I'm in the you were broke up it's none of your business camp. Does that mean it didn't hurt that she could run right out and sleep with someone? No and I've been there myself because I kind of assumed we'd be getting back together. But you can't assume anything once you cut somebody loose because people have different ways of working through being dumped.
I do not have any experience along these lines but reading this thread I have been thinking if she banged the other dude 4 times with questionable protection and then once the morning after maybe try to do 5x and 2x the morning after with zero protection.
I have some friends overseas, in places like Iran and India. When they visit me here in the states, and hear about, or see, the promiscuity, hookup culture, etc. they look at me and say
"what is wrong with your culture"?
What may seem natural to you regarding casual sex is most definitely not the norm in most places in the world. Now I am not trying to be preachy and get up on a high horse --I slept with women before I got married.
But the idea of casual sex/ONS was not something that interested me.
I mean, when you say you've had many ONS, how does that even happen? I can see 1-2, but lots? Frequently? Where were these people when I was in my teens and 20s?
So someone from a country that castrates men and douses women with gas and sets them on fire and has public executions and stonings wants to point fingers and ask what’s wrong with America????
Ok Akmed, maybe you should stay over there then if you can’t take the heat here.
Ummm, no. He has every right to feel however he wants to feel. Unless he's been hiding such feelings, which I doubt, then she knows this guy is a jealous wreck, will always be suspicious, and yet she lies in order to continue the relationship??? This is on her, not him. You can't hide stuff like that in an LTR and think it's going to be OK, when you KNOW it runs counter to your partner's feelings/beliefs/whatever. Does not matter if they're rational or irrational. People who get into relationships in which they KNOW their partner is going to have big problems if he/she knew the truth, and lie about such things... nothing good will come from that. Things have a way of being found out.
This is about people who shouldn't be together, first. And she knows they shouldn't.
I never said he wasn't. What I said was that after he dumped her, what she did, who she did it with or where is none of his business. And it isn't. He gave up the right to knowing when HE DUMPED HER.
I ALSO said that the only thing it is reasonable to ask is whether she had unprotected sex while they were apart, and shame on her for lying about it.
The ONLY issue here is her lying. She could bang a different bloke every night of the week for the whole 4 weeks apart and it'd still be none of his business. She DID NOT CHEAT.
Does that make his feelings that they aren't compatible invalid? Nope, because they clearly aren't. And he has every right to divorce her based on her lying.
I never said he wasn't. What I said was that after he dumped her, what she did, who she did it with or where is none of his business. And it isn't. He gave up the right to knowing when HE DUMPED HER.
I ALSO said that the only thing it is reasonable to ask is whether she had unprotected sex while they were apart, and shame on her for lying about it.
The ONLY issue here is her lying. She could bang a different bloke every night of the week for the whole 4 weeks apart and it'd still be none of his business. She DID NOT CHEAT.
Does that make his feelings that they aren't compatible invalid? Nope, because they clearly aren't. And he has every right to divorce her based on her lying.
My problem is that she understands this guy, her husband, at one time her fiance, has some real issues with things she sees as being OK. People don't suddenly become like that overnight. I doubt he hid his weirdness from her. And if he tried, he wouldn't have succeeded. But she went ahead and married someone completely-inappropriate anyway. Perhaps we should ask OP why he thinks she married him? Perhaps he'd learn something if he asked his wife the same question!
She had every right to see and do whatever she wanted when he took time off. OP even said something like she was waiting for HIM to come back to HER. What arrogant presumption on his part!!! Maybe some of what she did was acting out. But they should both know what each of them are made of, capable of, find appropriate. Their personal and marital boundaries. If she deliberately mislead him, that's not "marriage material" in the making. Likewise if he deliberately mislead her.
Having said all that, we're only hearing one side of the story.
You give up the right to ask those kind of questions when you dump somebody. we don't know anymore details except the affair but it sounds like they already weren't getting along so I don't know why he married her or why she married him.
missing the boat a bit though. The 4 weeks we were away ended up being a blip in the radar and she sold it to me as she was waiting for me to come back while we were broken up. Really? This is how you wait? In bed with other men?
Listen man...I'm actually not trying to be a **** here but help. You need to take a step back and consider that this is far more about you and your ego than it is about her and what she did way back when. It's the same reason that you added details about how many times they shagged and whether she enjoyed it or forced, whether it was an accident the condom came off, etc. Because it bothers you that she could be that way with someone other than you. And it's all mental gymnastics on your part to protect your ego by making this into some grand love test and delicious chastity morality stew fantasy. Because then and only then it's about her shortcomings and not the things you are really insecure about.
So you sign up on an internet site and ask a bunch of strangers if you should stay with a girl that could do such things and lie about it to protect your ego. Here's the thing you need to know to clear your mind of this fantasy world you live in...if you divorce her she's not going to wail and moan and repent and wait forever for you to come back. She's going to be sad, and then she's going to move on and eventually (2 weeks or more) find someone else. Because she can. And she should. She get's to try to be happy too and it's her life (not yours). But she chose you so you have a chance to keep this right if you want and can accept that she loves you for you and you are good enough. Your call of course and no internet strangers can make that for you.
The boat that was missed was you in thinking you had any say over what she did as a single woman.
Sorry, one is either in an exclusive relationship or they are free and single.
That you chose to not date is on you and that was your choice.
You did not get to dictate to her whether she dated or not when split up - that is what breaking up is. You waive any rights to someone else’s sexuality. What she did with her jay-jay was her business and absolutely none of yours.
If you didn’t want her dating and getting with other dudes, perhaps it wasn’t the best choice to break up Now was it hmmm??
I’m guessing with your level of disgust and resentment that what actually took place is you were hoping to score with other chicks and struck out.
And I get the feeling you thought she would just be waiting anxiously for you to call.
But none of that worked out the way you hoped.
It’s not really fair to hate on her that your break up plans didn’t go as you had hoped.
Actually it was my business. She asked ME to get back together. I gave her the conditions. She decided to lie. In fact when we first met she knew exactly who I was looking for and lied about 3/4 of her relationships and all the other one night stands she had. She would have known, even though she said she was hoping I came back, that she would have to lie to me again if she had a ONS. But I guess that ONS was more important or she is just a serial liar.
And no. I was not looking to score. She drove me mad to the point I just had to get away from her. I was just happy to be free for awhile away from the insanity.
Actually it was my business. She asked ME to get back together. I gave her the conditions. She decided to lie. In fact when we first met she knew exactly who I was looking for and lied about 3/4 of her relationships and all the other one night stands she had. She would have known, even though she said she was hoping I came back, that she would have to lie to me again if she had a ONS. But I guess that ONS was more important or she is just a serial liar.
And no. I was not looking to score. She drove me mad to the point I just had to get away from her. I was just happy to be free for awhile away from the insanity.
I haven’t seen where he has said a word about why they broke up.
One would think if it was due to some kind of bad behavior or violation of some sort in her part, he would have said why in his opening post.
But since he didn’t, one has to wonder whether she was actually the one that broke up with him, or he simply thought he’d try to get with some other chicks.... which didn’t work out obviously.
There was something mentally wrong with her - she would go from depressed to maniac - up and down constantly. Doctor diagnosed her with bi-polar and gave her meds. This made things worst. Even her best friend was keeping her distance during this time. I couldn't take the madness any longer. That is why I left. I reject this as part of the reason of her poor judgements after we broke up because she also had a history of ONS's and sleeping with men on the first date. Of course all this came out AFTER I married her.
There was something mentally wrong with her - she would go from depressed to maniac - up and down constantly. Doctor diagnosed her with bi-polar and gave her meds. This made things worst. Even her best friend was keeping her distance during this time. I couldn't take the madness any longer. That is why I left. I reject this as part of the reason of her poor judgements after we broke up because she also had a history of ONS's and sleeping with men on the first date. Of course all this came out AFTER I married her.
I have the feeling the reason for your post is you are more mad at yourself than at her.
You knowingly signed up for a crazy chick that you knew had mental issues, knew was promiscuous and knew had the ability to lie and be a chameleon to take whatever form you wanted to see at the time.
You’re not really mad at her for boffing some guy, you’re mad you got duped and fell for the sales pitch of a snake-oil saleswoman.
She’s a psycho chick. She’ll go home with some dude from the bar for a night of wild porn sex and then she’ll keep her actual partner at arm’s length saying she’s been traumatized by the hot porn sex and can’t have sex with you because it’s triggering and brings flashbacks.
But if you try to leave, she’ll turn on the tears and waterworks 😭 and lure you back with some porn sex of your own along with declarations of undying love and devotion.
THAT IS WHAT CRAZY CHICKS DO!!
And if you do break it off, she will be having all-night porn sex with some other dude within a matter of days or week or two because again- ITS WHAT CRAZY CHICKS DO.
You bought this train wreck and have the clear title for it.
I'm in the you were broke up it's none of your business camp. Does that mean it didn't hurt that she could run right out and sleep with someone? No and I've been there myself because I kind of assumed we'd be getting back together. But you can't assume anything once you cut somebody loose because people have different ways of working through being dumped.
I have to respectfully disagree with that camp . It was actually my business. She asked ME to get back together. I then have the right to know the truth and she has the right to tell me the truth or remain silent. If you want to go out and act like an hooker by all means go for it (but at least get paid for it which she didn't). But don't come back to me, crying asking for forgiveness and then lie about all the immoral things you did while you were away. Take responsibility for your actions. She knew who I was and who I was looking for and she also knew she would have to lie to me again if she had another ONS.
when someone shows you who they really are, believe them, time to pick up and move on brother. Let her loose to find what ever she wants and you can move on with your life.
You knowingly signed up for a crazy chick that you knew had mental issues, knew was promiscuous and knew had the ability to lie and be a chameleon to take whatever form you wanted to see at the time.
Like I said before, I knew nothing about her promiscuous and her lying. This all came out after we married when she slipped up. We dated for 2 years prior to the breakup - most that time was great. It was only the end of the 2 years that we started to see some mental challenges.
This is incredibly demeaning and unnecessary. Honestly, with that kind of talk, I almost don't blame her one bit for doing what she did. She taught your a** a lesson. Serves you right!
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