Prior to getting married, I broke up with my then girlfriend after 2 years of dating. A week later, she went bar hopping with a guy she had just met through a friend. Supposedly nothing happened. Two weeks later, she has a one night stand with someone she met at a bar. They went back to her apartment, partied with her roommate and her boyfriend and then retired to the bedroom. They had sex 4 times that night, including oral, and concluded with a romp in the morning. She said she asked him to wear a condom but only found one in the morning and thinks the guy took it off shortly after having intercourse for the first time.
My problem is this. Before we got back together, I said I would only take her back if she had not been with any other guys during our 4 week breakup. She denied ever being with someone else and she sounded convincing to say the least. Did she have the right to have a ONS? Sure - we were not a couple. Do I think she disrespected me, our relationship and herself by not only having a ONS but having one so quickly AND so intimately as she did? Absolutely - no arguing that. Because she did this within weeks of our break up and then lied about it, it has always felt to me as if she cheated on me. Not to mention she put my health at risk for having unprotected sex with a stranger and I not knowing anything about it. She cared more about giving this guy herpes then her or myself catching anything he had.
I found out about all this after she slipped up in a lie about her past. Then a whole can of worms came out including this night. Originally she said she never wanted any of it, that the entire evening was horrible (the worst night of her life), that she didn't want to be around the guy, that unknowingly he followed her home after the bar, somehow knew which apartment she lived in, somehow got through the security door, for some odd reason she said nothing when he came into the apartment (What are YOU doing here? How did you know where I lived? Nothing), that she told him NO in bed and that she felt like she was raped even though she "gave in". I never believed this story for a second because it had more holes in it than swiss cheese. Nothing she did that entire night fit with what she was "thinking and feeling". She had plenty of opportunities to ditch this guy yet she did nothing. Actions speak louder than words.
After denying that she was never looking to date anyone (you don't meet guys out unless you are looking to date) I finally got her to admit that she was "considering" (not "looking" lol see who I am dealing with?) to date other men. I also got her to admit that she DID, on her own will, decide to give this guy a chance and that by sleeping with him was her way of feeling accepted by him. It's all starting to make sense now and it's all what I suspected. For the past year she made up this story that was suppose to make me feel sorry for her when in fact it's starting to look like it was just the opposite. I believe she was a full participant of everything that happened that night and all this baloney about it being the worst night of her life is just a decoy. FYI she has yet to explain what was so horrible that night even though I have asked her many times.
This isn't the first thing she has lied to me about and I just think I made a mistake marrying this woman. Trust is the foundation of any marriage. She, in a sense, decided for me who I marry since she lied to me about everything I was looking for a woman. I know women often lie about their past but it doesn't make it right. I have given her plenty of chances to come clean but she is still fighting it.
Is this woman marriage material and take the chance she can change? Or do I find someone who I can trust?
Some people lie about their past. Not women. Not men. Some people. You married one of them.
She owed you no loyalty when you were broken up. It’s her choice to screw the entire town 23 times if you’re not in a relationship. I would have told you it was none of your business what I did in my time as a single person and let you make your own choices from there.
But, lying IS a problem. And instead of coming clean later she doubled down on the lies... even throwing in a rape story. This is not a person you can trust and you know that. It’s a bit late to ask if she’s marriage material though. I find that strange.
Prior to getting married, I broke up with my then girlfriend after 2 years of dating. A week later, she went bar hopping with a guy she had just met through a friend. Supposedly nothing happened. Two weeks later, she has a one night stand with someone she met at a bar. They went back to her apartment, partied with her roommate and her boyfriend and then retired to the bedroom. They had sex 4 times that night, including oral, and concluded with a romp in the morning. She said she asked him to wear a condom but only found one in the morning and thinks the guy took it off shortly after having intercourse for the first time.
My problem is this. Before we got back together, I said I would only take her back if she had not been with any other guys during our 4 week breakup. She denied ever being with someone else and she sounded convincing to say the least. Did she have the right to have a ONS? Sure - we were not a couple. Do I think she disrespected me, our relationship and herself by not only having a ONS but having one so quickly AND so intimately as she did? Absolutely - no arguing that. Because she did this within weeks of our break up and then lied about it, it has always felt to me as if she cheated on me. Not to mention she put my health at risk for having unprotected sex with a stranger and I not knowing anything about it. She cared more about giving this guy herpes then her or myself catching anything he had.
I found out about all this after she slipped up in a lie about her past. Then a whole can of worms came out including this night. Originally she said she never wanted any of it, that the entire evening was horrible (the worst night of her life), that she didn't want to be around the guy, that unknowingly he followed her home after the bar, somehow knew which apartment she lived in, somehow got through the security door, for some odd reason she said nothing when he came into the apartment (What are YOU doing here? How did you know where I lived? Nothing), that she told him NO in bed and that she felt like she was raped even though she "gave in". I never believed this story for a second because it had more holes in it than swiss cheese. Nothing she did that entire night fit with what she was "thinking and feeling". She had plenty of opportunities to ditch this guy yet she did nothing. Actions speak louder than words.
After denying that she was never looking to date anyone (you don't meet guys out unless you are looking to date) I finally got her to admit that she was "considering" (not "looking" lol see who I am dealing with?) to date other men. I also got her to admit that she DID, on her own will, decide to give this guy a chance and that by sleeping with him was her way of feeling accepted by him. It's all starting to make sense now and it's all what I suspected. For the past year she made up this story that was suppose to make me feel sorry for her when in fact it's starting to look like it was just the opposite. I believe she was a full participant of everything that happened that night and all this baloney about it being the worst night of her life is just a decoy. FYI she has yet to explain what was so horrible that night even though I have asked her many times.
This isn't the first thing she has lied to me about and I just think I made a mistake marrying this woman. Trust is the foundation of any marriage. She, in a sense, decided for me who I marry since she lied to me about everything I was looking for a woman. I know women often lie about their past but it doesn't make it right. I have given her plenty of chances to come clean but she is still fighting it.
Is this woman marriage material and take the chance she can change? Or do I find someone who I can trust?
She didn’t tell you because she knew you were going to cry a river over it. In your case she isn’t the one for you. As someone above said .... some men could care less, your just not one of them. My opinion about these cases is never popular here at TAM.
Prior to getting married, I broke up with my then girlfriend after 2 years of dating. A week later, she went bar hopping with a guy she had just met through a friend. Supposedly nothing happened. Two weeks later, she has a one night stand with someone she met at a bar. They went back to her apartment, partied with her roommate and her boyfriend and then retired to the bedroom. They had sex 4 times that night, including oral, and concluded with a romp in the morning. She said she asked him to wear a condom but only found one in the morning and thinks the guy took it off shortly after having intercourse for the first time.
My problem is this. Before we got back together, I said I would only take her back if she had not been with any other guys during our 4 week breakup. She denied ever being with someone else and she sounded convincing to say the least. Did she have the right to have a ONS? Sure - we were not a couple. Do I think she disrespected me, our relationship and herself by not only having a ONS but having one so quickly AND so intimately as she did? Absolutely - no arguing that. Because she did this within weeks of our break up and then lied about it, it has always felt to me as if she cheated on me. Not to mention she put my health at risk for having unprotected sex with a stranger and I not knowing anything about it. She cared more about giving this guy herpes then her or myself catching anything he had.
I found out about all this after she slipped up in a lie about her past. Then a whole can of worms came out including this night. Originally she said she never wanted any of it, that the entire evening was horrible (the worst night of her life), that she didn't want to be around the guy, that unknowingly he followed her home after the bar, somehow knew which apartment she lived in, somehow got through the security door, for some odd reason she said nothing when he came into the apartment (What are YOU doing here? How did you know where I lived? Nothing), that she told him NO in bed and that she felt like she was raped even though she "gave in". I never believed this story for a second because it had more holes in it than swiss cheese. Nothing she did that entire night fit with what she was "thinking and feeling". She had plenty of opportunities to ditch this guy yet she did nothing. Actions speak louder than words.
After denying that she was never looking to date anyone (you don't meet guys out unless you are looking to date) I finally got her to admit that she was "considering" (not "looking" lol see who I am dealing with?) to date other men. I also got her to admit that she DID, on her own will, decide to give this guy a chance and that by sleeping with him was her way of feeling accepted by him. It's all starting to make sense now and it's all what I suspected. For the past year she made up this story that was suppose to make me feel sorry for her when in fact it's starting to look like it was just the opposite. I believe she was a full participant of everything that happened that night and all this baloney about it being the worst night of her life is just a decoy. FYI she has yet to explain what was so horrible that night even though I have asked her many times.
This isn't the first thing she has lied to me about and I just think I made a mistake marrying this woman. Trust is the foundation of any marriage. She, in a sense, decided for me who I marry since she lied to me about everything I was looking for a woman. I know women often lie about their past but it doesn't make it right. I have given her plenty of chances to come clean but she is still fighting it.
Is this woman marriage material and take the chance she can change? Or do I find someone who I can trust?
I think you came here looking to confirm your gut. Consider it confirmed. Regardless of any arguments about you were broken up why do you care what she did anyway, you have no right to know anything as you were not together, your trust has been lost that is a very hard thing to get back. In any event you will not be able to have the same quality of marriage as you could with someone who you do trust and will not have resentment towards.
Who knows if she’ll be a good wife or not. Check back in 30 years and let us know.
Frankly I think you are off-base here.
Breaking up is breaking up. You don’t get to put stipulations on what people do when you are broke up. It was her right to screw half the town if she wanted and then screw the other half when she was rested up.
Stipulating that you’d get back with her as long as she hadn’t been with someone else is just being a jerk.
What she did while single is her business and none of yours. If you were so worried about her being diseased you shouldve asked for an STI test before having sex with her.
And thinking that a young, healthy woman hadn’t been out with others is just being willfully naive on your part. Yeah she may have lied but that wasn’t an appropriate question in the first place and you should have known better than to think she hadn’t been out. What was she supposed to do, sit by the phone waiting for you to call after splitting up??
You simply heard what you wanted to hear and believed what you wanted to believe and now you are judging her for what you should have safely assumed would happen anyway.
Now, am I saying that you have to stay married if you don’t want?? No. File divorce papers on her tomorrow if you want. That’s your perogative just as hooking up with dudes while she was a free and single woman was her Perogative.
Yes chicks lie about their sexual pasts. That’s because judgemental, insecure men judge and persecute them for it because they’re worried their winkie isn’t as big as the other guy’s.
This is on you and this is your own issue.
If you can’t live with it, divorce her. There’s no law that says you have to be married. If you can’t respect her and treat her with the dignity a wife deserves, then let her go so she can find someone that will love and honor her.
You have the right to seek whatever criteria you want in a mate and you have the right to divorce her if she doesn’t meet your criteria.
But what you don’t have is the right to disrespect her and treat her badly or treat her as less-than because she was a normal young woman when she was single.
Prior to getting married, I broke up with my then girlfriend after 2 years of dating. A week later, she went bar hopping with a guy she had just met through a friend. Supposedly nothing happened. Two weeks later, she has a one night stand with someone she met at a bar.
My problem is this. Do I think she disrespected me, our relationship and herself by not only having a ONS but having one so quickly AND so intimately as she did? Absolutely - no arguing that. Because she did this within weeks of our break up and then lied about it, it has always felt to me as if she cheated on me.
Some things here seem to be at the core of your issues here.
Lemme tell you some facts of life here.
Young, single women have men circling around them at all times like horse flys buzzing around a horse’s butt.
A woman in her early 20s has a range of opportunities in men from age 18-80.
Everywhere she goes and every man she encounters basically says, “.....would you like some **** with that?”
The whole world is their oyster and their options and opportunities are ever present.
Additionally, women simply rebound and recover faster and more efficiently than men after a break up. They just do. It’s a design feature in how they are made.
A woman can disconnect from one man and engage with another before her previous BF can change the oil in his car.
A guy can take months to get over a break up and back to his normal, happy self and it can take months and months if not a year or more until he connects with someone special again.
An attractive woman can be in full stride with other suitor(s) in days or week or two.
That is just the nature of the beast just like birds fly, fish swim and rabbits run.
A lot of guys are resentful of this. They feel it is a dig against them and an indictment against them and a testament against their relationship.... but it really isn’t. It’s just how women are wired.
You can’t hate the bird for flying because that is what birds do and the bird is not showing judgment or disrespect to you when you are stuck on the ground. It is just doing what birds do.
Chicks move on quickly to other hook ups and other relationships compared to men. It’s their nature and not a sign of their esteem or significance to their previous relationship.
Don’t hate the bird for flying or the rabbit for running.
Some things here seem to be at the core of your issues here.
Lemme tell you some facts of life here.
Young, single women have men circling around them at all times like horse flys buzzing around a horse’s butt.
A woman in her early 20s has a range of opportunities in men from age 18-80.
Everywhere she goes and every man she encounters basically says, “.....would you like some **** with that?”
The whole world is their oyster and their options and opportunities are ever present.
Additionally, women simply rebound and recover faster and more efficiently than men after a break up. They just do. It’s a design feature in how they are made.
A woman can disconnect from one man and engage with another before her previous BF can change the oil in his car.
A guy can take months to get over a break up and back to his normal, happy self and it can take months and months if not a year or more until he connects with someone special again.
An attractive woman can be in full stride with other suitor(s) in days or week or two.
That is just the nature of the beast just like birds fly, fish swim and rabbits run.
A lot of guys are resentful of this. They feel it is a dig against them and an indictment against them and a testament against their relationship.... but it really isn’t. It’s just how women are wired.
You can’t hate the bird for flying because that is what birds do and the bird is not showing judgment or disrespect to you when you are stuck on the ground. It is just doing what birds do.
Chicks move on quickly to other hook ups and other relationships compared to men. It’s their nature and not a sign of their esteem or significance to their previous relationship.
Don’t hate the bird for flying or the rabbit for running.
Are you kidding? I see the exact opposite! I see it as men “get over” someone to get over someone else. How interesting. I have never known a man to sit around pining for his lost whomever for months... I usually see them at the bar the next night.
Also, yes a woman may be able to get laid anytime she wants to, but that doesn’t mean from the type of guys she wants it from. I have never considered the world my oyster, honestly... but I don’t value getting laid casually or think one night stands are any fun whatsoever.
I suppose this is off topic and I guess the OPs wife is exactly the type of person you are referring to so my point probably is not well made. 😂
It doesn't matter if she can change, in this case. YOU can't. You will always resent the situation.
She lied to you. Frankly, she can do whatever she wants when she is single, but she doesn't have the right to lie to you, especially when there is a potential for STDs.
She can tell you it's none of your business, but the lying erodes the trust in the marriage.
Because I think you will always resent her, if your marriage is very short, then you should end it now, if there are no kids involved.
If it's a long term marriage with kids, it becomes more complex. But I think you will never let this go, and that it will eventually destroy your affection for each other. So better to end it now if it can be done cleanly with minimal complications.
Um, you dumped her. Absolutely NONE of your business what she did or who she did it with, between the time you dumped her and then got back together. The only thing you can reasonably ask, is did she have unprotected sex with anyone (if she lies about that, shame on her). But how many, who, what they did or where is none of your business. Were I her I would have told you as much.
Would I do that? No, but I'm not her.
I see posts like this both here and on FB all the time from people, men and women, who left their partners/spouses yet whine that the partner/spouse has moved on "and it's only been 3 months". YOU DUMPED THEM. Wtf???
Um, you dumped her. Absolutely NONE of your business what she did or who she did it with, between the time you dumped her and then got back together. The only thing you can reasonably ask, is did she have unprotected sex with anyone (if she lies about that, shame on her). But how many, who, what they did or where is none of your business. Were I her I would have told you as much.
Would I do that? No, but I'm not her.
I see posts like this both here and on FB all the time from people, men and women, who left their partners/spouses yet whine that the partner/spouse has moved on "and it's only been 3 months". YOU DUMPED THEM. Wtf???
Prior to getting married, I broke up with my then girlfriend after 2 years of dating. A week later, she went bar hopping with a guy she had just met through a friend. Supposedly nothing happened. Two weeks later, she has a one night stand with someone she met at a bar. They went back to her apartment, partied with her roommate and her boyfriend and then retired to the bedroom. They had sex 4 times that night, including oral, and concluded with a romp in the morning. She said she asked him to wear a condom but only found one in the morning and thinks the guy took it off shortly after having intercourse for the first time.
My problem is this. Before we got back together, I said I would only take her back if she had not been with any other guys during our 4 week breakup. She denied ever being with someone else and she sounded convincing to say the least. Did she have the right to have a ONS? Sure - we were not a couple. Do I think she disrespected me, our relationship and herself by not only having a ONS but having one so quickly AND so intimately as she did? Absolutely - no arguing that. Because she did this within weeks of our break up and then lied about it, it has always felt to me as if she cheated on me. Not to mention she put my health at risk for having unprotected sex with a stranger and I not knowing anything about it. She cared more about giving this guy herpes then her or myself catching anything he had.
I found out about all this after she slipped up in a lie about her past. Then a whole can of worms came out including this night. Originally she said she never wanted any of it, that the entire evening was horrible (the worst night of her life), that she didn't want to be around the guy, that unknowingly he followed her home after the bar, somehow knew which apartment she lived in, somehow got through the security door, for some odd reason she said nothing when he came into the apartment (What are YOU doing here? How did you know where I lived? Nothing), that she told him NO in bed and that she felt like she was raped even though she "gave in". I never believed this story for a second because it had more holes in it than swiss cheese. Nothing she did that entire night fit with what she was "thinking and feeling". She had plenty of opportunities to ditch this guy yet she did nothing. Actions speak louder than words.
After denying that she was never looking to date anyone (you don't meet guys out unless you are looking to date) I finally got her to admit that she was "considering" (not "looking" lol see who I am dealing with?) to date other men. I also got her to admit that she DID, on her own will, decide to give this guy a chance and that by sleeping with him was her way of feeling accepted by him. It's all starting to make sense now and it's all what I suspected. For the past year she made up this story that was suppose to make me feel sorry for her when in fact it's starting to look like it was just the opposite. I believe she was a full participant of everything that happened that night and all this baloney about it being the worst night of her life is just a decoy. FYI she has yet to explain what was so horrible that night even though I have asked her many times.
This isn't the first thing she has lied to me about and I just think I made a mistake marrying this woman. Trust is the foundation of any marriage. She, in a sense, decided for me who I marry since she lied to me about everything I was looking for a woman. I know women often lie about their past but it doesn't make it right. I have given her plenty of chances to come clean but she is still fighting it.
Is this woman marriage material and take the chance she can change? Or do I find someone who I can trust?
I think her and your age both at the time of supposed 'transgressions' and the cover up matter...missing that context.
I think the screwing part is no big deal and you had no right to expect or demand fidelity during that period. And young people will occasionally go out, drink a little...and screw One of the better parts of life when I was younger and fond memories. Now do you want to be with that kind of person is up to you but I don't think she had an obligation to disclose it and I don't think you had a right to demand it.
The lying IS a problem and a major red flag, but again context matters. You backed her in a corner with your unreasonable demands and created an environment where she had few choices. She chose the less honorable way so now you know what she's capable of. Good data point. But I guess I'd ask you to look into mirror - is someone who's controlling and unrealistic marriage material either?
This isn't the first thing she has lied to me about and I just think I made a mistake marrying this woman. Trust is the foundation of any marriage. She, in a sense, decided for me who I marry since she lied to me about everything I was looking for a woman. I know women often lie about their past but it doesn't make it right. I have given her plenty of chances to come clean but she is still fighting it.
Trust your instincts.
She knew how you felt about this issue of fidelity regardless of how "unreasonable" it might have been before marriage. You would have left her behind and moved on. Her solution to the problem was to lie to you and do what she wanted to do anyway. I would agree that your wife is not marriage material.
You will not change her or convince her to tell the truth. She will be even less likely to tell it to you now that you are married and she lied to you to get to this point. So you can accept the situation as it is or make the decision to leave.
Choosing to part ways now over later is for the best especially if you do not have children together. It will be unpleasant but I think you will find this the lesser evil considering the alternative(s) - her cheating on you while married on top of valid trust concerns that are eating you up from the inside.
The thing I would be upset about would be the lying. You made your boundaries clear, whether or not we agree with them. But the tricky thing is you backed her into a corner (admit the truth and don't marry you or lie and marry you). If do-overs were possible I would have a frank discussion with her. Maybe it's you both talking about whether or not you dated, whether you had unprotected sex or whether you both wanted to exchange STI tests. But since time travel isn't possible, I guess the question is whether you can live with someone who lied to you about something they were perfectly within their rights to do just to marry you.
For me the rape story is a BIG red flag. Bigger than the lying about not sleeping with someone or dating someone because to lie about being raped is absolutely abominable. To make up such a thing is a big reason why women who are genuinely raped don;t come forward - they think nobody will believe them. They think everyone will think they're making it up. Because of people like this. What kind of person does that?
What happens if things go south between the two of you? Will she cheat in future and make similar claims? It not only could have led to this guy facing charges for a consensual one night stand had she stuck to her story, but it is also god forbid, a reason why if this genuinely happened to her in the future, and she was actually raped in the future, any reasonable person would have a hard time believing her because she lied about that in the past. Is this really someone you trust with your future or any possible kids?
Prior to getting married, I broke up with my then girlfriend after 2 years of dating. A week later, she went bar hopping with a guy she had just met through a friend. Supposedly nothing happened. Two weeks later, she has a one night stand with someone she met at a bar. They went back to her apartment, partied with her roommate and her boyfriend and then retired to the bedroom. They had sex 4 times that night, including oral, and concluded with a romp in the morning. She said she asked him to wear a condom but only found one in the morning and thinks the guy took it off shortly after having intercourse for the first time.
My problem is this. Before we got back together, I said I would only take her back if she had not been with any other guys during our 4 week breakup. She denied ever being with someone else and she sounded convincing to say the least. Did she have the right to have a ONS? Sure - we were not a couple. Do I think she disrespected me, our relationship and herself by not only having a ONS but having one so quickly AND so intimately as she did? Absolutely - no arguing that. Because she did this within weeks of our break up and then lied about it, it has always felt to me as if she cheated on me. Not to mention she put my health at risk for having unprotected sex with a stranger and I not knowing anything about it. She cared more about giving this guy herpes then her or myself catching anything he had.
I found out about all this after she slipped up in a lie about her past. Then a whole can of worms came out including this night. Originally she said she never wanted any of it, that the entire evening was horrible (the worst night of her life), that she didn't want to be around the guy, that unknowingly he followed her home after the bar, somehow knew which apartment she lived in, somehow got through the security door, for some odd reason she said nothing when he came into the apartment (What are YOU doing here? How did you know where I lived? Nothing), that she told him NO in bed and that she felt like she was raped even though she "gave in". I never believed this story for a second because it had more holes in it than swiss cheese. Nothing she did that entire night fit with what she was "thinking and feeling". She had plenty of opportunities to ditch this guy yet she did nothing. Actions speak louder than words.
After denying that she was never looking to date anyone (you don't meet guys out unless you are looking to date) I finally got her to admit that she was "considering" (not "looking" lol see who I am dealing with?) to date other men. I also got her to admit that she DID, on her own will, decide to give this guy a chance and that by sleeping with him was her way of feeling accepted by him. It's all starting to make sense now and it's all what I suspected. For the past year she made up this story that was suppose to make me feel sorry for her when in fact it's starting to look like it was just the opposite. I believe she was a full participant of everything that happened that night and all this baloney about it being the worst night of her life is just a decoy. FYI she has yet to explain what was so horrible that night even though I have asked her many times.
This isn't the first thing she has lied to me about and I just think I made a mistake marrying this woman. Trust is the foundation of any marriage. She, in a sense, decided for me who I marry since she lied to me about everything I was looking for a woman. I know women often lie about their past but it doesn't make it right. I have given her plenty of chances to come clean but she is still fighting it.
Is this woman marriage material and take the chance she can change? Or do I find someone who I can trust?
This is an easy one....NOT MARRIAGE MATERIAL.
She is a liar and a bit loose.
Do yourself a favor and just put this one in the rear view mirror. Start meeting and dating other girls.
Cut this one out of your life.
After you broke up with her, she was on the rebound and looking for validation. When a hot guy presented himself, she jumped into bed with him
I think there are some lessons to be learned here:
1. Women make rules for regular guys and break rules for hot guys. Which one are you? Studies have shown that even though women endorse condom use and safe sex, that goes right out-the-window when a hot guy climbs into bed with them. The hotter the guy, the less likely a condom will be used. Now you know
2. Any girl that will have a ONS is one argument away from having one while you are dating her, or even if you are married to her. I am a handsome guy, and not once in my life did I have a ONS, even when presented with the option. Sure, I fooled around a bit, but by the time I was in my early 20s, I had standards for myself and others. Engaging in such behavior is reckless and problematic for both men and women.
children are reckless and irresponsible. Don't go marry a child. Marry a mature woman
So no, the girl is clearly not marriage material. Now she might grow up and mature and become a different person, but she isn't ready yet.
My wife had a few ONS when she was in her early years of college --without protection. It is a real sore spot with me, and I didn't learn about all of it until 15 years into our marriage.
2. Any girl that will have a ONS is one argument away from having one while you are dating her, or even if you are married to her. - LOL....are you even remotely serious with this statement? How in the world did you conclude this? I know my wife had at least a few ONS and guess what? We got into plenty of arguments and guess what? she didn't go out and have one while we were married....hmmm
My wife had a few ONS when she was in her early years of college --without protection. It is a real sore spot with me, and I didn't learn about all of it until 15 years into our marriage. - who gives a crap about what your spouse did 15 years ago. I had plenty of ONS including what I thought would be one with my now wife. I really don't care, or actually I hope that my wife had plenty of sex before me cause now she's stuck with me for the rest of her life. Whether she used a condom or not, I don't care cause I know she's disease free.
I think most of these cases boil down to the same thing: The dude gets all butt hurt that his old lady can go out and have another man quickly with overt sexuality. At this point he tries to frame it as something else besides the fact that he is butt hurt.
Just a suggestion but it you don't have anything meaningful to add to this or ANY conversation I don't think anyone is interested in what you have to say.
1) Once you dump a person, it is no longer your business who they sleep with, how quickly they sleep with someone, or how many they sleep with. You dumped them. Dumped = not part of your life anymore. So it's also not a reflection on you or a respect or disrespect of you. It MIGHT be a reflection on her or lack of respect for herself...but it has nothing to do with you.
2) When you got back together with her afterward and she lied...THAT is the part that is a disrespect of you, because essentially the lie indicates that she is not mature enough to be transparently honest, AND her actions are saying to you that she doesn't believe you can handle the truth. So by lying, she showed you her lack of maturity and her disrespect of your ability to handle the truth in a healthy way.
Now, you are in the position of having made a commitment to someone, and after committing you found out about the lie. I'm not saying it was moral for her to have ONSs...I'm saying that having them reflected on her, not on you. I'm not saying that lying was moral...I'm saying that lying to you is the part that was disrespectful to you. And since you didn't know of the lie, you didn't know about this particular sign that she is an immature person who does not respect you. There may have been other red flags that you chose to ignore--I don't know--but relating to this one event alone, I would say she is not good marriage material at this time.
The thing I would ask you is this: are you? Are you mature? Are you healthy in your responses? See...you can not control her, fix her, make her behave any certain way, nothing. If she is actually immoral in her heart, she will behave that way no matter what you say or do. The only person you CAN control is YOU. So you made a commitment to a person whom you discovered is not commitment material. Only YOU can decide if she may grow as a person and become more mature and more wise...or if she is the kind of person who is unwilling/unable to look at themselves and do the work to grow in wisdom and mental health. If she doesn't seem like someone who can admit they are wrong and "look at the man in the mirror"--you may have made an unwise decision to commit. And if that is your determination, continuing a bad decision is not a wise thing to do. End it. On the other hand, if your determination is that she is overall a generally moral and good person who's just pretty immature, it would be equally viable to just accept that she may need some time to "grow up" and give her that time. After all, your commitment was "...until death parts us" and part of the crucible of marriage is giving a partner the safe place to grow.
I haven’t seen where he has said a word about why they broke up.
One would think if it was due to some kind of bad behavior or violation of some sort in her part, he would have said why in his opening post.
But since he didn’t, one has to wonder whether she was actually the one that broke up with him, or he simply thought he’d try to get with some other chicks.... which didn’t work out obviously.
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