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Marriage is feeling doomed

1054 Views 3 Replies 3 Participants Last post by  GutPunch
Hello All,

This is long, so please bare with me.

So, here goes. My wife and I recently married. We've been married about three months. We dated for about six months before. She has a seven year old daughter from another relationship. It was long distance, I'm from Canada, she's from the US. About twoo thousand miles seperted us. We made all the effort inthe world to see each other. We would fly to eah others city for a visit. Or pick a spot to meet that was halfway between us. Things were great! Amazing. It was hard as all long disance relationships are. Not seeing each other frequently, only being able to talk online or on the phone. Sending texts to each other all day. Having phone movie dates. That was one of my favorite things. Then in August of this year she cheated on me with her ex. (this was before we married.) I hadn't heard from her for three days, no response to my emails, or texts. I knew something was up. And hoped that she wasn't in the worst case possible. Hospitalized or worse. Finally I was able to get a hold of her, and I asked her point blank if he had anything to tell me? She confessed. Came mostly clean about it. I say mostly only because I have found out more information recently.

After some heart break and not speaking for a few days. I decided to forgive and forget. Move on into a better place with her. (I know that some of you will say things like I should have been a man and told her it was done. Or things like that.) Honestly, I feel and felt like I was being a man when I took her back. A man doesn't run away from problems. He tries to work through them, to fight for what he wants and believes in. We discussed and talked until our faces were blue. And decided that I should come down to live with Her and her daughter. Stay for a month or two and see how things feel and work out.

I left my job. Gave up my appartment and came down to her. Almost immediatley she decided she wanted to marry me. I had misgivings. As we hadn't dated long and were in a long distance relationship. As well as the recent indiscretion. Add to that I had no idea how to help parent a child! But I let go of my misgivings in the face of love. Ten days after arriviing we were married. We went to a walk-in chappel. We talked it through and decided we'd have another larger wedding on our one year anneversary. In hindsight we both know it was moving to fast. I don't regret it. Not for an instant! But it WAS very fast, Maybe too fast. We had a small reception at a friends house. And had a hotel for the night. Consequently, that night she became pregnant. I know, I know!

After a lot of soul searching on my part and hers. We decided that because of cicumstances, we couldn't continue with the pregnancy. I'm not working, didn't save a whole lot of money. I didn't plan on getting married. We had talked about it. But in a future tense sort of way. If we had known that we were going to be married, I can assure you I would have done things a lot differently. Saved more money. Applied in canada for a fiancee form, and green card or immigrarion papers. Done all the right steps. Made right by her and her daughter.

So for the first three months things were great! Amazing! It was everything that I could ever hope for. I really never had the desire to be married before. But with my wife, everything was different. I was very happy with her, even after the cheating. She really is and was the woman I had always wanted. She still is.

But that brings us to the now. I saw her struggling. Things were waying on her mind. I didn't know what they were, just that she was having trouble coping with things. She had a lot going on, we had a lot going on. We were infested by both lice and mice. Haha, I know sounds ridiculous! But we do have a grade school child so lice isn't unheard of. She was getting flack from her parents about not living up to their ideals. By that I mean, tattoo's and not owning a car. Not living up to their potential. She has a great job, works for Childrens hospital. But they were going through changes at her work. They lost funding, or a large percentage of funding for her department. And her entire unit had to reaply for their jobs. Maybe even labour cutbacks. I wasn't working, and not able to find work. The ammount of money to file for a green card, and trying to figure out just how to go about it. It was all pretty heavy. I never let her do any of this alone. I was up late at night catching mice and re-setting taps. I would talk through her issues about her work and parents with her. Try and help her find solutions and answers. Never telling her what to do, just giving insight and advice. And most importantly listening to what she was saying and feeling.

Then one day she said she was freaking out about the marriage. And she needed space. She couldn't write anymore. That is very important to her. And that she didn't want me to feel put-out. She wasn't asking me to leave. We talked about it, tossed ideaas arouns. Me going up to the Pacific Northwest and seeing about working for some friends. Or going back to Canada for a few months to work and save. But we decided for me to stay. We didn't want to be apart. We'd continue to work through the legal matters. And take it one day at a time.

For a while it seemed to work. Things were ok. I could see she was still struggling. But we seemed to be good. Still sharing the same bed, having sex, taking her daughter out to do things. Visititng family and friends. Then, one day I went to log onto facebook, and her account was open. To her message box. I didn't snoop or spy. But I saw that her ex had contacted her. And she had sent a very love filled comment to him.

I let it slide for a day or two at first. Then it ate me up. Everything flooded back. I confronted her, asked her about what was going on with her. With us, I mean how was she feeling about the marriage? Was she still freaking out? Needing space? And finally I asked about her ex. She said he had contacted her, that they had chatted a little. But that was all. I asked her if that really was all? She said yes. So I told her about finding the message. She said it wasn't what I thought. That he will always hold a place in her heart, but that she wasn't in love with him. Nor did she want him back. I told her I beleived her, but that it was a huge blow. And that I was very upset and saddened by it. And that she should have told me. Not because I don't trust her, but that ther is a history. It wasn't a great conversation. I woke her up from sleeping to talk about it. I was terribly sad. I said a few stupid things. Never yelled at her, never got angry.

Well, for a few days I was pretty down and hurt. Sad. I was coping. But barely. At this point my senses were hightened to everything. I noticed she was getting a lot of alerts for messages from facebook on her phone. She has a certain ring to let her know when it's a text, or something online. I started to get a little crazy, I admit that. I asked her again what was going on. Was her ex still contacting her? She said yes. So that night I did a stupid thing. When she was asleep. I took er phone into the bathroom and snooped. I spied. I saw messages from her ex saying he loved her, wanted her back. Talking aobut their history and sex. I flipped out. I hated doing what I did. If i have one regret it is invading her privacy like that. It made me feel horrible. But I had to know. She knew I took her phone. And I admitted it to her. I value honesty.

She was angry, and that is to be expected. Like I said I know what I did was wrong. No excuses. She spent the next night out late. Came home very drunk. (don't worry, her daughter was with her father.) My wife, got very angry at me. Calling me very bad things, saying I was crazy. And finally saying we need a divorce! She then told me to go home, to grow my balls back and leave. She slept on her daughters bed that night. And the next she spent at a friends.

It went on like this for a couple weeks. Spending time at her daughters fathers house. Not the ex I am talking about. They really are just friends. For her daughters sake. He even was my witness at our wedding.

So it brings us to know. She wants to seperate. Wants me to go away for awhile. She needs to think to focus on herself. These are her words. And to focus on her daughter. I agree both these things are exactly what she needs. But I know she's had more contact with her ex. She was listening to a love song he sent her constanly. She sent him pictures of herself. Again I only know this because she once again left her facebook open. And this time I did snoop. On purpose. She has shown me some of the things he's sent. Innocent things. But because I spied on her, I know ther is worse stuff. Again I fel terrible for doing that.

She told me we need to be apart, space. She also said she may still be in love with her ex. I'm confused and hurt. We had sex on the day she told me that. Hour after we were together, she told me she might still be in love wih him. And that her feelings hadn't changed. We needed time apart. But that she didn't want to divorce me.

I guess, I'm just concerned. Am I loosing my marriage? Is it over? Do I loose the woman of my dreams? I've decided to leave, to go visit friends in another state. But can I or do I hold out hope that we can work through this? Is there any hope? I still love her with all my heart and I am willing to do anything to work this out. But I kow she needs space and time. Will my leaving just give her a signal to start up again with her ex? I don't want to lose her. But fear I alreadt have. I feel like she is diverting her anger and what's going on in life. Putting on us, and stepping towards her ex. Like an easy way out, or easy way of dealing with things. They were together for four years. So I know it would feel easy. They were engaged, but never got married. She broke it off and kicked him out. What do I do?

Thank you for any imput you may have.
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Yeah, I suppose I forgot to mention that. I'm 33 and my wife is 30
You know what to do. It just hurts to do it. Your story is similar to many on here. She has emotionally checked out and you need to focus on you not her. Someone please post the 180 for this man.
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