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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
1st of all. If you don't have advice about this, please don't leave horrible remarks. I'm living through this as we speak and it wouldn't be helpful. I'm really looking for someone or people to help me get through this...

Hello all!

I have a serious issue I need help to understand and get through. Overall I want my marriage and I want my wife but things cannot go back to being the same.



To start off, I cheated. I didn't have sex with anyone and it was all talk. Never went past that. This is something that has been happening off and on about 4 times in the past 3 years.


Here's the background:

I've known this beautiful women since I was 12. we were off and on and we had a child at the age of 14. I picked up a job doing dishes while still attending school. At 15, we broke up. It was bad. During this downfall she was "talking" to a mutual friend and they started dating less than two weeks later. Took me a year to get over all this but I did. During this time it was hard for me to see my daughter knowing that they were together. Having sex, making a family, having a boy, living day-to-day with one another. I got my life back together and started dating again. She then got married to this person and invited me to the wedding where they handed me the boom-box to play the music for her to walk down the isle with only for it to die seconds later as she started. (Knew it was a bad idea to go.. anyway) They had a child and were married for about 3 years.

During this time I was very protective of her and our daughter. I wanted to make sure they were being taking care of like they should have been. I was getting older, maturity was kicking in hardcore and I stood by my decision and did what I had to do. It was a great dynamic and all was well. Her and I would laugh and make jokes and became friends. I was still dating at the time but I had this feeling for her always there in the back of my mind that I never thought about acting on.

There were problems in her marriage, the end result was him cheating on her. From what I gathered he went out and had sex with another and have been talking to this person for a while. She admitted that a portion of this was her fault. She emasculated him basically. Which, at the time I could see that because I didn't know the word for it but those were the exact things that she has done when we were in a relationship together. Anyway, 3 years have past. She was seeking a profession out west and wanted to move out there. Me being understanding about it, I was completely ok with it and did w/e I could to help while she was there.

We reconnected when I went out there to visit. Something I wasn't expecting at all, which was bad because I was dating a woman at the time. I manned up and when I went back I told her what happened and left. Even though her and I had our issues, she didn't deserve that. I also postpone things with my daughters mother because I was broken and needed some time to get myself right before getting in a relationship with her. Less than a year went by when I was ready, but she was playing hard to get but understood why I needed the time. We got back together and I moved out west to be with her our daughter and her son whom is now my son.

About a year later, we got married and shortly after had a son. During that time it was not sunshine and rainbows, it was hell. We were down each other throats a lot more than we should have. We did marriage counseling for 5 sessions in which she walked out on because of her feeling like she was teamed up on. I left/had to leave the house a few times during the beginning and we finally got through it and things were good. Our son was a **** like any other baby and the style my wife decided to mother him I wasn't really on board with but it was like I didn't have a say anyway. She wanted to be his care giver for the majority of the time. Which was hard because he didn't even want nothing to do with me most of the time. She turned into a stay home mom and I was the "bread-winner".

Later, she decided that she wanted to get back into schooling to become a nurse. I was 100% behind her and wanted to help in any way I could, which I did. The option was hard on me and the family but it was for a good cause. A few years have gone by and she's made it out of school and now has a job as a nurse.... working third shift... So even after getting to her goal I was the one who will be mainly taking care of the kids from day to day. 3rd shift is hard on the person especially the family. She would come in tired from work, tell me how it went and then sleep right after. On the days she has off she would be trying to catch up on sleep so she will be knocked out on the couch sometimes. The part that was frustrating the most is that when I get home from work, she would be asleep and dinner hasn't been thought about or after dinner she would be fallen asleep. She'll be out for practically the whole night. I would put our son to bed and look downstairs only to see her asleep. She would either wake up from sleep around 11:30 / 12 and go up stairs to remove her make up and fall right back asleep or be up all night.

Now, I love gaming, mmo, fps, puzzle, w/e. So I would just resort to playing my game. When she comes up I will either be engrossed in it or getting ready for bed myself, but mostly engrossed in it. She didn't like my gaming at all. It got in the way of parenting, time with her and the family so we got into many arguments with it until finally I just started playing it after our son goes to bed. Even then that was too much. Now this isn't an issue that has arose within the last year, it was something that has been an issue from the very beginning of our marriage. I would be confused about it because she'll talk to me about it, I would alter my playtime and when I play and she's smiles and blows kisses. While she's doing these things, inside she's upset still. I cut out mmo's (mass multiplayer online) because they were a life sink and causing issues in my life in general. I stopped rpgs (role playing games) with lengthy stories and play times because of the same thing. So I stuck to just one player games recently because it was easy for me to put something like that down. But it was still an issue. So, when she sleeps, I play before I played when I wanted and even still she was not happy with my playing video games period I believe.

While she was schooling and then working, I was holding down the house. Cooking, cleaning, maintaining, parenting the children, etc. Hell, I even made time to build a hammock from scratch. But my issue was I hardly to never had time for me and when I did, I felt guilty about taking it and doing what I want. I was playing basketball for a few years, making teams going to games and out of the 3 years I have done it I've gotten very little support from my wife with going and cheering me on. I would always ask and there was an excuse a lot of the time. I didn't think it would too much to ask but she was forever tired or just didn't feel like going. I would participate in her functions with school and or her job without batting an eye because It was spending time with her. I hear her say things like "OMG if it wasn't for my husband I would be..." Praising me in front of her co-workers but sings a different tune when we are alone. Overall I was not getting the attention I needed from her nor was I able to get much time on a consistent basis to myself. If I wasn't at work, I was home. If not home, I'm at work. This was life for a while.

While she was home, she would undermine me in front of the children whether it was about them or something I should or should have been doing. I would tell the kids no and she would quickly turn around and say "No, it's ok. They can do X". Completely removing my authority and allowing the kids to do what I just said no to. We were never on the same page when it came to parenting. If I was disciplining the kids as she's coming around, she would automatically defend them without hearing the story or backing me up. I now have to not only discipline my child, but I also have to defend myself from my equal. She would also state that it feel like she has a 4th child. That is not an effective team. I grew up in a rough area and had some horrible things happen to me growing up so my style of parenting may be a little different. I honed it in over the years and became a better listener and more understanding with our children.

She doesn't think of me on a daily like I do her. This overall makes me feel like I am being placed on the back burner. Unless it's something I'm serious about, like my braces or the car of my dreams. It's mainly day to day items. I would ask her for an item from the store only for her to forget it the majority of the time when I am the opposite. I get her what she asked for and forget what I actually went there for in the 1st place. When she would forget something like her badge or food for work, without question I pick it up and head there. With her, he huffs and puffs and asks me a million questions only to reluctantly do it or get to the point where I say never mind.

Here's an example. We promised one another that we would start going on dates once a month at least. She blew off 3 months in a row with excuses like "I don't feel like it", "I'm too upset about X", "I'm extremely tired" with me trying to put in effort to reschedule only to be shot down. The time we actually did have time for one another was great. By far one the of best nights I had in a while only for it to end with my wife setting our daughter up to fail by telling her we were going to be a few hours before we will head home. Knowing that she would take that time to get a boy over the house. In which, that's what happened. I begged her not to do this and hoped my daughter wasn't going to be dumb enough to fall for it. She did. My wife single-handedly ruined our night. I spent 2 1/2 hours being the mediator between these two (my daughter being 17). Stopping my wife from hitting her and kicking her out the house knowing that she doesn't have anywhere to go. It ended at 2:30 in the morning.. She told me she doesn't regret it.

Sex.... is one sided believe it or not. I do A LOT to her and for her and I get the act of sex in return. She doesn't really touch my body or anywhere else that she really doesn't have to. She states that I am lazy in bed.... ::facepalm:: She also has the habit of sending me these text messages about sex and wanting to do it and things she wants to do to me while I'm work only for me to come home and have her completely out of it or asleep. I would also text things like that to her and sometimes, more than needed, she would just "lol" at me. If that doesn't lower self esteem I don't know what will. It's gotten to the point where I would ignore some of her signs just because I don't want to feel used.

She also claims that "I'm the root of all our problems"

I'm obviously leaving out a lot more issues. I just wanted to give the "gist" of what my issues are with her. I'm not perfect either I know that I have my flaws as well I can be like any average man when it comes to be mean or a prick

Anyway, I started to become resentful after about 4 years. She wasn't the same but I love her. She wouldn't do things for me or laugh at some of the things that I like in and out of bed. So while going through these things with her knowing that it will just turn into an argument because we don't know how to talk to one another I would seek out someone random to talk to to. I don't care who it was I just needed someone to tell me things that my wife didn't and I would be done. It was like a reset for me you know? I didn't get attached to a certain person nor did I sought out sex. It was just the fantasy of it all. I got what I needed and I looked away from it. Going back to my life and having a rejuvenating feeling about being with my wife. Only, they was by far the wrong thing to do and to deal with it. After about 4 times over the course of 3 years she found out and it was bad.

I stayed with her brother for over two months while she tried to figure out what she wanted to do about all this. I was left in the dark, feeling like I was in prison with no one to blame but myself. I was kicking my own ass left and right. I needed to make changes, they might be late but they are needed changes. Since I've been back home, I got rid of my console and swore to stay away from gaming like that for a full one year. I picked up Archery and I started running again. These are things that I needed to do regardless on the outcome of this. I started to really pay attention to how I spoke with the kids. It's currently been 3 1/2 months since the incident and I'm not expecting her to be over it by now. No person in their right mind would be. I'm thankful she even considering it because I really do love her. She's been stagnant and setting me up to fail byb starting arguments she knows that I cannot win in this current state. I'm also seeing a therapist for the 1st time and I'm not sure how I feel about that..

I told her we need marriage counseling. She has been dragging her feet about up until recent. We are finally going next week and I am excited to work on this or let it go and let it be what it is and deal with the lost.

My question overall is: I need her to understand where I'm coming from as far as my feelings behind what I did. Not the act. That's my fault and mine alone I will never try to justify that act. I need her to change how she treats me and I feel like this is something she needs to know through our counselling. Is this far-fetched? Are these legitimate items that I can bring up even after the act? I know that if she takes care of me like I should be taken care of, she would never have to worry about me going outside of our marriage for anything. Make me your equal...

I need help on how to deal with her blow ups/outs, accusations, questioning. I've been an open book about all I have from my phone to emails. But it seems like it's a catch-22.. I know we could be a great team together. I can see that feeling there from time to time. I'm just not sure that it would ever come to the surface and actually produce change.
 

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Well, you both have your issues to work on and if she does not work on her own, then a fulfilling marriage will and cannot occur. She has to own her own shiet, just like you. Also, you both have to deal with the shiet you place on each other. She has to understand that she also causes you pain and she is toxic to you.

Whether you believe it or not, actions, cause and effect, they do not occur in a vacuum. Like her anger issues, she has it before, but it just got even worse through your action, and her actions lower your self-worth, making or adding to your own state of mind. When we are in relationship, we are responsible for our action and reaction because the consequences are not limited to only us. We never stop changing and people do it gradually.

My advice is just work on your own shiet, because whether your marriage survives or not, the probability of a fulfilling life will increase. Also, you need boundaries. That does not excuse your wife's behavior. Seriously, her anger and neglect affects your emotional, mental, and physical well-being and the same occurs in reverse. You both were keeping one another unhealthy.

Seriously, even if you cause your wife pain, if she does not improve on her own end, you will either get worse yourself, live a separate lives as roommates, or end up leaving her anyways so why not just leave. You see, your mistakes does not condemn you to miserable life and what you learn, you can carry into the next relationship. Life is not about fair, but what you do and once issues arises. In the end, you will be a better person and your wife may go on being miserable, or work on herself, who knows, but the responsibilities end once the relationship is over.
 

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You must like drama. You keep going back to it over and over.

I think you should end this, get quite a bit of therapy to determine why you would subject yourself to this kind of abuse, and after you feel happy with things seek out a new, sane woman to be with.
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