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You can take everything you wrote and throw it out the window. The real problem is y’all are caught in a power struggle. You will never win because your wife has no interest in your choices and decisions. In her case blood is thicker than vows.
Give up.... your trying to sail into the wind.
Not just caught up in a power struggle, but also convinced that change is not possible. That OP writes off marriage counseling without trying might indicate he sees compromise as a weakness.

@Noosh , how long have you been married? How long did you know your wife prior to that? These aren't the sort of things that come on only due to kids. I have to think this has been brewing for a long time, and that it's likely you knew of your closeness (and your apparent distaste) to her family long before this.

What attracted you to each other? What still attracts you to each other?

Regarding kids in general, kids aren't "property" in the way you seem to feel they are. They are shared, with the immediate family, and beyond. It almost sounds like you don't want "your" kid to be out of your sphere of influence. This sort of thing sounds more like what we read after a bad divorce. Guess it's a really good thing you haven't had kids yet; I don't think you're ready. And might not ever be. You can't control kids. You can try, but the results won't be pretty.
 

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My wife has always been super close to her family and I feel she puts them before me and everything else. We've had many issues regarding her closeness to her family. The topic of kids came up and I told my wife I think we need to go to marriage counseling before we have kids. She does not think it will help because she is 100% sure I am wrong. I gave her 3 hypothetical scenarios that could happen in the future that I see being issues in our marriage.
Not just caught up in a power struggle, but also convinced that change is not possible. That OP writes off marriage counseling without trying might indicate he sees compromise as a weakness.
The OP does not write off marriage counseling. His wife does per his post.
 

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I'm a woman, am I close to my Mum? Yep. Do I see her every day? Nope. Do/Would I completely write off my husbands opinions/concerns as irrelevant? HELL NO.

This woman is a total cow, and he should not have children with her. OP your life would be a living hell if you have children with her - whether you're married or not.
 

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The way I see it, kids are made up of two sets of DNA and since one of them would be yours you absolutely have a say in what they do and where they go.

I find your wife’s attitude that’s it’s her way and only her way very concerning. Is she this way about other things as well?

I’d be very wary of having children with her in this mindset if they are hers alone and you have no say in their upbringing. That’s just not okay.
 

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Forget the kid issue.
This woman is condescending and controlling.
In her world, there is only two ways to do things: her way and the wrong way.
You need to rethink why you ever hooked up with her.
You need to determine if you even want to be married to her.
You need to determine what you want in a relationship. Put that on paper.
Print out a copy of some online divorce paperwork.
Sit her down and tell her she has a choice: your requirements or divorce paperwork.
If she balks, go file. If, after that, she wants to be with you, make her earn her way back.
Your relationship should be a two way street, not a her way street.
She needs some counseling and an attitude adjustment.
Set a tone. Expect and demand better.
 

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No, every female is not close to her parents. I know plenty who wouldn’t want to live in their parents‘ pockets as his wife does.

That’s not the life he wants so it’s better to find that out before children.
If you have a good relationship with your parents, you are going to be close to them. That doesn’t mean “annoy” them all the time with your presence. I wished my parents lived close because my father plays a lot with kids, takes them for walks, takes them to the beach because he loves going to beach, while my hubby doesn’t. He has no patience. I was the only one in charge of these things. My hubby never went to park with the kids without me.
My parents enjoyed the company of my sister and her kids, but didn’t want them all day at their house, unless my sister had to go somewhere without the kids. My sister lived only 5 min away.
The problem I see here is not just being close with her parents. She is doing nothing with her life other than spending time with family. Why her parents find nothing wrong with it, I have no clue.
I wonder how old is she and how old is he.
If she is doing nothing now, she is not going to change when she has kids.
 

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Every girl is close to her parents. And making these discussions before sometimes are pointless. The only issue I see here is why is she close to her parents?! Who isn’t? I don’t have my parents here, and it hurts me that my kids grew up without the love of my parents and my siblings.I would have loved to visit them everyday. My sister lives in the same town with them and she visits them often. Lucky! Seriously, there are other things he should be worried about. Like raising kids as vegan/ vegetterian or no( I have seen couples getting divorced over this) and other problems that can be discussed before they have kids.
Every girl is not close to their parents. A lot of people seek independence from them as adults, which is a part of growing up. Leaving the nest is a cornerstone of becoming an adult and getting out from under their influence.

This one is extreme. And where I grew up (mid-America), usually we only saw our grandparents one to two times a year. And we were all fine with that, especially the grandparents. One of them had already raised 13 kids out on a farm without water and electricity and she made no bones but that she was done taking care of kids.
 

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Every girl is not close to their parents. A lot of people seek independence from them as adults, which is a part of growing up. Leaving the nest is a cornerstone of becoming an adult and getting out from under their influence.

This one is extreme. And where I grew up (mid-America), usually we only saw our grandparents one to two times a year. And we were all fine with that, especially the grandparents. One of them had already raised 13 kids out on a farm without water and electricity and she made no bones but that she was done taking care of kids.
My grandparents(dad’s parents) lived with us. It was very normal for one of the children( usually the youngest son, to live with parents. My mom’s parents lived only one block away from us, so I was close to both; mom’s and dad’s parents. While my kids see their grandparents or my brother and sister, only once in 4-5 years. Sad.
 

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Every girl is close to her parents. And making these discussions before sometimes are pointless. The only issue I see here is why is she close to her parents?! Who isn’t? I don’t have my parents here, and it hurts me that my kids grew up without the love of my parents and my siblings.I would have loved to visit them everyday. My sister lives in the same town with them and she visits them often. Lucky! Seriously, there are other things he should be worried about. Like raising kids as vegan/ vegetterian or no( I have seen couples getting divorced over this) and other problems that can be discussed before they have kids.
The issue is she has make her decisions and does not care at all how her husband feels about it. Not a good start for the marriage. And they don't even have kids yet, and already have trouble finding common ground. It seems she doesn't not look for common ground, she just wants things her way.
and why can not she work????
 

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The issue is she has make her decisions and does not care at all how her husband feels about it. Not a good start for the marriage. And they don't even have kids yet, and already have trouble finding common ground. It seems she doesn't not look for common ground, she just wants things her way.
and why can not she work????
That’s why I don’t understand why divorce over kids, where he already has reasons to divorce her. She does what she wants even though she doesn’t work. He already is allowing her to do what she wants, and she gets whar she wants.
 

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That’s why I don’t understand why divorce over kids, where he already has reasons to divorce her. She does what she wants even though she doesn’t work. He already is allowing her to do what she wants, and she gets whar she wants.
that's a secondary issue. I think this is what had opened his eyes that things are not as they supposed to be. Better now than 20 years later...
 

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She sounds like a really bad choice for a spouse and mother. She should be working or at least going to school so she works at a later time, but I bet she never works a lick. She sounds like her parents just spoiled her pretty bad.
 
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This is something you should have talked about BEFORE you got married to this woman. So no you aren't "smart" discussing it now as a few have mentioned.

Also, there's a strong probability that this woman is and has been a controlling person in many other areas as well, and unless you had your head in the clouds and weren't paying attention, NONE of this should be surprising to you (that it's her way or the highway).

My advice RUN!!!!
 

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She sounds like a really bad choice for a spouse and mother. She should be working or at least going to school so she works at a later time, but I bet she never works a lick. She sounds like her parents just spoiled her pretty bad.
That's a bit harsh. I don't work, by choice not need. I am certainly not spoiled. Well, ok my husband spoils me, but certainly not rotten.
 

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I'm so happy you won't have kids with her until this is resolved. I admire this so much and wish more males were real MEN like this. I agree with you, I would NOT be ok with my kids flying to another state to spend time with people I have a strained relationship with, or for that matter to be gone so much since I love my kids and would miss them like crazy.

She shouldn't tell you to suck it up if her mother wrongs you. She is sometimes to be on YOUR side, not hers, if there is an issue. Definitely work this out before any kids are brought into this drama. She already shows a lack of respect... imagine how she will be if she has your kids to control you with.
 

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This guy made one post six days ago and he didn't say one word about his wife not working. Where did that come from?
 

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So, it sounds like there is a compatibility issue. I'm not recommending you run out and divorce your wife. However, you should inform her, in no uncertain terms, that the above list is not going to work for you. Don't have children unless/until you figure out something that works for both of you.

In the meantime, double check your wife's birth control pills and/or make sure there are no holes poked in the condoms... ;)
 

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This guy made one post six days ago and he didn't say one word about his wife not working. Where did that come from?
I kept wondering the same while reading through the responses. Assumptions abound, my goodness.

I told my wife she needs to ask me how I feel about that when the time comes and respect my decision.
Um, really? She "needs to ask" you? And "respect" your decision?

In other words, she has to ask your permission. Not a discussion on whether the kid(s) will go visit her parents with her or any suggestion of a compromise, but she is to ask your permission. On top of that, she is to do what you say.

The herd mentality blows me away sometimes. Everybody took off running with your wife's responses that no one seemed to notice you at all or your question about being controlling. Some of them called her the controlling one, which I wonder if it was right up your alley. It isn't uncommon for a person to tailor the details of a scenario in such a way as to contrive desired responses. Is that what you did here?

I usually try to read past what is written and read between the lines. While I obviously can't know the tenor of this conversation, I do wonder if telling you to "go to hell that I have no say where my kid goes with her" was more in reaction to the way you were talking to her and the words you were using. For you to ask if you are controlling makes me think she must have said it. I'm thinking she didn't appreciate any of this and then retaliated because "needs to ask me" and "respect MY decision" are fighting words as far I'm concerned. I would tell you to go to hell too if you spoke to me like I better live by your edicts and check for your permission regarding my children. It doesn't sound like you attempted to discuss your concerns but rather to tell her what to do.

2. Her family intends to come get an apartment for a couple months out of the year when they retire close to us. My wife thinks that every day we are going to see her parents. I straight up said that is extreme and that is not going to happen. I will have my own life with my family (wife and kids) and I will be too busy with them to see my in-laws or my own parents every single day. You need to respect my personal space. To me it makes sense to put aside 2-3 days a week for in-law family time. She basically said I have no say in who can come to our house. The grandparents can see us every day because they have to be close to our kids.
I'm not really sure how it changed from you guys going to their house every day to them coming to your house, but I know how the course of a conversation can change. Still, it seems like a missed opportunity for a compromise. You said 2 or 3 days a week, so why can't her parents come there 2 or 3 days a week, and she the kid(s) go to their house the other days? You don't have to go since you don't want to, but it won't be going to visit her parents every day, which is what you originally objected to. So, did the conversation turn into you saying they cannot come to your house at all? Were you dictating again? What happened in between because you both seemed to have gotten lost in there somewhere. It certainly got lost in translation anyway.

3. There have been scenarios where her mother did things that upset me and I wanted my wife to talk to my mother-in-law about it. My wife said she will not and I should be a man and suck it up. So I told her there will be times where my parents and even her own parents will do something that one of us might not agree with when it comes to the kids. I feel this is NORMAL in every relationship. I asked her if she will talk to her parents if it bothered me. She said not unless she felt it was an issue. If I had an issue with something and she didn't then my feelings don't matter. In her view she is the mother and mother > father.
You brought up something that you know normally and naturally occurs, but she can anticipate those types of things too. What is normal is once someone feels slighted by another person, they, in turn, start to dislike that person. For whatever reason a person begins to dislike someone, they become intolerant of them, loathe everything they do and say, and are determined to find fault with them. And if they are in any position of authority, then they abuse their authority at that person's expense to levy punishment for trumped up and manufactured charges. Any invented or exaggerated excuse will do. It's ridiculous and juvenile, but that is human nature too since you want to talk about what is normal.

So now her mother is on your dookie list, and you want to put your wife in the middle of it. Your wife, whom you know is extremely close to her parents, you want to force discord between them for your sake. But she's not having it. She knows how that kind of thing can get started since you don't like her mother. Something her mother does that you don't like but is entirely negligible, you will cause a scene is what she fears. So no, she doesn't want to avow her undying devotion to jump to your side every time you perceive a fault with her parents. She knows her parents certainly won't harm her children and will likely ignore things that even she doesn't agree with necessarily. I know I did with my mom, and I know my daughter does too with me because not everything is worth addressing or accusing or making a big deal about or even saying "No don't do that" about. If grandma gives the kids a candy before dinner, what's the harm that one or two times? Would you say something about it? And expect your wife to join you in chastising her mother? This is the kind of stuff people will do. It's these type of things people fall out over and exactly the types of things your wife does not want to get dragged into. So yes, she reserved the right to use her own judgment and scrutiny of any situations that might arise.

I really do know where you're coming from and understand you feeling that you are her husband and the family you and she build together should come first. And you're right. You're absolutely right. But you're anticipating problems, and human nature dictates that problems will surely occur but most unnecessarily in at least some of the cases. While I do agree with you, I don't believe a wife should stick by her husband when he is wrong, when he flies off the handle, or makes mountains of molehills. She is very close with her family. She has no problems with them. There is no cause for any animosity between them, and she doesn't want you creating any. Think about that. Think about how she has lived her whole life in a loving and close-knit family.....and then came you.

So now it looks like we are definitely not having kids. No kids means divorce.
I don't know whose decision that is, yours or hers or mutual, but I think you both need counseling, not just her.

Do you guys think I am controlling? Are my fear justified?
Yes you are controlling and yes your fears are justified and so are hers.
 
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