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My wife has always been super close to her family and I feel she puts them before me and everything else. We've had many issues regarding her closeness to her family. The topic of kids came up and I told my wife I think we need to go to marriage counseling before we have kids. She does not think it will help because she is 100% sure I am wrong. I gave her 3 hypothetical scenarios that could happen in the future that I see being issues in our marriage.

1. Her family lives in another state. My wife is constantly flying to see them. When we have kids I do not know how I feel about my wife and kid going away every month. I don't care if my wife goes I do not control her but when it comes to my kid I might have different feelings. I told my wife she needs to ask me how I feel about that when the time comes and respect my decision. I do not think I will be OK with my first kid leaving me every month, but maybe I will be. Her response was basically I can go to hell that I have no say where my kid goes with her. If the roles were reversed and she could not make it I am positive she would have separation anxiety.

2. Her family intends to come get an apartment for a couple months out of the year when they retire close to us. My wife thinks that every day we are going to see her parents. I straight up said that is extreme and that is not going to happen. I will have my own life with my family (wife and kids) and I will be too busy with them to see my in-laws or my own parents every single day. You need to respect my personal space. To me it makes sense to put aside 2-3 days a week for in-law family time. She basically said I have no say in who can come to our house. The grandparents can see us every day because they have to be close to our kids.

3. There have been scenarios where her mother did things that upset me and I wanted my wife to talk to my mother-in-law about it. My wife said she will not and I should be a man and suck it up. So I told her there will be times where my parents and even her own parents will do something that one of us might not agree with when it comes to the kids. I feel this is NORMAL in every relationship. I asked her if she will talk to her parents if it bothered me. She said not unless she felt it was an issue. If I had an issue with something and she didn't then my feelings don't matter. In her view she is the mother and mother > father.

So now it looks like we are definitely not having kids. No kids means divorce.

Do you guys think I am controlling? Are my fear justified?
 

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You are divorcing her because of the “kids” and you don’t even have kids?! Why is she not working or planning to work? Why you think she is going to fly every month with your children to see her parents? Just because she is close to her parents now, that doesn’t mean she is going to have a lot of time to spend with her parents later when you have kids. . Being a parent changes you and your lifestyle. Don’t overthink. If you keep annoying her with these scenarios
now, I will not be suprised if she leaves you. She can’t agree with you when she doesn’t even know yet what it is to be a parent. You think you are going to be a better parent than her ? Why does it bother you that she is close with her parents? What about you? Are you close with your parents?
 

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You are very wise to get these issues on the table ahead of time. Every family's culture is different, of course, but her priority seems to be with her family of birth, not the family she would be creating with you.

While difficult to say without more information on the marriage dynamics, one might be tempted to say that being married to you is an "inconvenience" that interferes with her top priority of playing her role as daughter to her parents. Ultimately, these are the ingredients for her to take you for granted, relying on you simply to be a sperm donor and a paycheck that makes it possible to add her own children into her prioritized family dynamic with her family of birth.

Obviously, we all want to involve our extended families in our lives. That is enriching for all. The levels of interaction you have indicated in your first post - along her reaction to you asserting your parental rights on these yet-to-be-born children, are red flags that should be addressed before you proceed to actually building this family with her.
 

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It's not a good match. It's fine she's all into her family, but she will have some issues from it because even if she finds someone else who is also close to theirs, then it will be a battle every holiday who spends time with their family. Also, it's super expensive to do all that traveling unless they're nearby. I wouldn't care if they left (you may be craving time alone once a month) but that business about having her parents here for months out of the year and seeing them every day would be a dealbreaker for me.

Also, when is she planning on working?

It's also risky for her to have a habit of taking the kids home to her parents because what if you divorce and she convinces a court that is actually where her residence is and forces you to move there? They won't let people just leave with them and they have to stay within so many miles in a divorce, but there's tricky ways of making it look like you consented to her being there if it gets nasty. I just don't think this is the right mother of your kids.

And I'm sure you already realize it's only a matter of time before she moves a parent in with you. And probably her first baby will be her first effort at that, but then when one is ill or something, that will be exactly what she does.
 

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Yikes you are so smart to discuss this before you have children!! You and your wife are on totally different planets when it comes to this issue. And that's not even discussing how you will raise your children.

You're not the controlling one--she is. Your fears are 1,000% justified. Do NOT have children with this woman unless and until you two are on the same page.
 

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You can take everything you wrote and throw it out the window. The real problem is y’all are caught in a power struggle. You will never win because your wife has no interest in your choices and decisions. In her case blood is thicker than vows.
Give up.... your trying to sail into the wind.
 

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Both of you have very different but valid points of view as to family involvement. However, your wife has zero respect for your point of view and seems unwilling to compromise.

You were wise to talk about this now. By doing so you have found out that she does not really respect you. She does not see your marriage as a partnership. She's apparently the boss, in her own eyes.

How long have the two of you been married?
 

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You can’t imagine the number of people who don’t have this discussion before they have children. They just assume everything will work out. But it doesn’t, necessarily. Better to know that now.
Every girl is close to her parents. And making these discussions before sometimes are pointless. The only issue I see here is why is she close to her parents?! Who isn’t? I don’t have my parents here, and it hurts me that my kids grew up without the love of my parents and my siblings.I would have loved to visit them everyday. My sister lives in the same town with them and she visits them often. Lucky! Seriously, there are other things he should be worried about. Like raising kids as vegan/ vegetterian or no( I have seen couples getting divorced over this) and other problems that can be discussed before they have kids.
 

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Basically she said she is going to do what she wants with the children and take them wherever she wants whenever she wants.

I do think a divorce is justified. I think your life will be a living hell if you have children with her.
But she can’t if she is not working. Who is going to pay for her monthly plane tickets?! You think parents will support her financially and will not get tired of her frequent visits? She is not just going there for a visit, she is going to live with them for days, weeks. I don’t think she will have that energy to travel that often anyway.
 

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Off topic: Lucy, that's an awful cute pup in your profile photo.:love:
 
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But she can’t if she is not working. Who is going to pay for her monthly plane tickets?! You think parents will support her financially and will not get tired of her frequent visits? She is not just going there for a visit, she is going to live with them for days, weeks. I don’t think she will have that energy to travel that often anyway.
He is, of course.

The wife already boldly told him HE HAS NO SAY in what she does with the children, should they have some.

I'm a parent. No way no how would I have had children with someone who told me I had no say in these matters.

OP she has done you a favor by being honest with you. Now your can make a fully informed decision as to what kinds of life you want to lead.

Before your have have kids is the time to make decisions.

Geez can you imagine trying to coparent with this woman in the event you got divorced after children?
 

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My wife has always been super close to her family and I feel she puts them before me and everything else. We've had many issues regarding her closeness to her family. The topic of kids came up and I told my wife I think we need to go to marriage counseling before we have kids. She does not think it will help because she is 100% sure I am wrong. I gave her 3 hypothetical scenarios that could happen in the future that I see being issues in our marriage.

1. Her family lives in another state. My wife is constantly flying to see them. When we have kids I do not know how I feel about my wife and kid going away every month. I don't care if my wife goes I do not control her but when it comes to my kid I might have different feelings. I told my wife she needs to ask me how I feel about that when the time comes and respect my decision. I do not think I will be OK with my first kid leaving me every month, but maybe I will be. Her response was basically I can go to hell that I have no say where my kid goes with her. If the roles were reversed and she could not make it I am positive she would have separation anxiety.

2. Her family intends to come get an apartment for a couple months out of the year when they retire close to us. My wife thinks that every day we are going to see her parents. I straight up said that is extreme and that is not going to happen. I will have my own life with my family (wife and kids) and I will be too busy with them to see my in-laws or my own parents every single day. You need to respect my personal space. To me it makes sense to put aside 2-3 days a week for in-law family time. She basically said I have no say in who can come to our house. The grandparents can see us every day because they have to be close to our kids.

3. There have been scenarios where her mother did things that upset me and I wanted my wife to talk to my mother-in-law about it. My wife said she will not and I should be a man and suck it up. So I told her there will be times where my parents and even her own parents will do something that one of us might not agree with when it comes to the kids. I feel this is NORMAL in every relationship. I asked her if she will talk to her parents if it bothered me. She said not unless she felt it was an issue. If I had an issue with something and she didn't then my feelings don't matter. In her view she is the mother and mother > father.

So now it looks like we are definitely not having kids. No kids means divorce.

Do you guys think I am controlling? Are my fear justified?
Your wife sounds like a fascist dictator and I would definitely not have kids with her.
Her life priorities are off and she doesn't see it.
"Leave your mother and father and be united with his wife" You do not describe her as honoring that you two are a family and you two come before the others.

Stand your ground. If she wants to divorce you may have to give it to her but don't be bossed around by a dictator.

You do have a say in all those issues and if she is going to say to hell with you then she is a disrespectful wife and you do not need to give in to any of these unilateral declarations.
 

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Every girl is close to her parents. And making these discussions before sometimes are pointless. The only issue I see here is why is she close to her parents?! Who isn’t? I don’t have my parents here, and it hurts me that my kids grew up without the love of my parents and my siblings.I would have loved to visit them everyday. My sister lives in the same town with them and she visits them often. Lucky! Seriously, there are other things he should be worried about. Like raising kids as vegan/ vegetterian or no( I have seen couples getting divorced over this) and other problems that can be discussed before they have kids.
All of that is irrelevant at this point..the key issue is her attitude and response. It is "I will do whatever I want, you have no say, I will take our kids from their home and travel with them without you as often as I like, I'll invite in-laws into our house as often as I want and I do not care what you think"

That is not the attitude of a spouse you respect, love and stay married to....that is a hellion you kick to the curb and say good riddance.
 

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All of that is irrelevant at this point..the key issue is her attitude and response. It is "I will do whatever I want, you have no say, I will take our kids from their home and travel with them without you as often as I like, I'll invite in-laws into our house as often as I want and I do not care what you think"

That is not the attitude of a spouse you respect, love and stay married to....that is a hellion you kick to the curb and say good riddance.
She is already doing whatever she wants and he is allowing her. Why is he expecting her to change?! She is not working. Why? Who is paying now for her trips ? Her family or him? It’s not just “kids” the problem , even without kids I don’t think he should be OK with her not working and only spending time and money on her family.
 

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Every girl is close to her parents. And making these discussions before sometimes are pointless. The only issue I see here is why is she close to her parents?! Who isn’t? I don’t have my parents here, and it hurts me that my kids grew up without the love of my parents and my siblings.I would have loved to visit them everyday. My sister lives in the same town with them and she visits them often. Lucky! Seriously, there are other things he should be worried about. Like raising kids as vegan/ vegetterian or no( I have seen couples getting divorced over this) and other problems that can be discussed before they have kids.
No, every female is not close to her parents. I know plenty who wouldn’t want to live in their parents‘ pockets as his wife does.

That’s not the life he wants so it’s better to find that out before children.
 
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