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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi Everyone, I've been married for 5 years now, going on 6 yrs in November - no children. My husband has developed a deep interest in video games and has been working the night shift for 3 years. On weekends when he has off, he will spend his time playing video games and then he will sleep. I've made numerous efforts to try and have him do things with me like going to the park and taking walks, hiking, movies, etc., but he makes his gaming more of a priority in addition to hanging out with his gaming friends (he works with these same friends too, who are much younger than him and are not married - my husband is 37 and these friends are in their mid to late 20's.) But this gaming thing is really aggravating and i've expressed this to him on numerous occassions, but it's like he turns a deaf ear. I'm not sure what to do at this point, though I have considered walking out. And not only is the gaming an issue, but there is a lack of intimacy and we don't even sleep in the same bed. The last time we were intimate (it was in January of this year) it just didnt feel right - the passion was/is gone. I just need some advice before I make the next step.
 

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This is not a rare a it should be.

At this point your husband is not really in your relationship. You have some choices here. You can just keep on going as it is. You can try to work on your marriage. Or you can divorce him.

I do not suggest that you continue with the status quo. It's not mentally healthy for you to do this. You know that.

If you want to work on your marriage, there are things you can do. You can give it a time limit, like 6 months. If you two are not back to a loving relationship by then, it's time to file for divorce. If you are back a good relationship, give it another 6 months and re-evaluate, and continue this evaluation every 6-12 months to make sure you are not slipping back to this destructive pattern.

Just remember that you cannot change your husband. The only person you can change is yourself. But as you change, he will have to change in response. How he changes is his choice. Hopefully he will chose a path that brings him back to the relationship.

There are some good books that can help you turn this around. My suggestion is that you read them in the order listed here:

Divorce Busting: A Step-by-Step Approach to Making Your Marriage Loving Again by Michele Weiner-Davis

This book is a good first start. Pay special attention to the chapter about introducing changes in your environment. You have to change things about the way you behave in your relationship. At this point, your husband is not paying attention to you because he does not have to... after all, what are you going to do about it? Leave? Of course not (he thinks).

Love Busters: Protecting Your Marriage From Habits That Destroy Romantic Love by Harley, Willard F, Jr.

The idea of this book is that the first step in fixing a relationship is for both people to stop doing the things that kill the love in the relationship. To this you have to first identify them and then you both need to stop the behaviors.

His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage by Harley, Willard F, Jr.

Then, after the love busters have stopped, this books talks about how to restructure your relationship into one that is passionate and meets both of your needs. It talks about what is reasonable to expect from your spouse. For example you and your husband should be spending at least 5 hours a week together doing date-like (quality) time with just the to of you. Only after that should either of you have time for other activities with other people. Any married couple who does not spend this time will find themselves in a failed marriage.

My suggestion is that you read these 3 books and do the work that they suggest. Then, after you have done that, you talk to your husband using the new info they have given you. And you ask him to read the last two books with you and do the work with you.

If that does not work after 6 months, you have tried all you can to fix your marriage.
 

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Do you have a job outside the home? If so, how many hours a week do you work?

What is your support system like? Do you have family and or friends who you can talk to and do things with?
 

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Have you looked into joining him in gaming?
You might like it.
You can only change what you do, there's no way you can make anyone else change.
He might see your change and decide to make some changes of his own....
Gaming is in 85% of households these days....
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
@EleGirl...thanks for the feedback and book list..I appreciate it.
Yes, I work a 9-5 job and I honestly have no support system...a couple of my friends moved to Florida and have children. And I don't have a close knit family unfortunately.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
@Marduk...I would prefer that things be the way before he got into gaming. When we were dating and inthe first 2 years of marriage, he didn't play video games.
And I honestly think he doesn't care about how i feel and our lack of quality time and building memories as a married couple.
 

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Did you know that women file for divorce at a much greater rate than men?

And do you know the #1 reason women file for divorce?

Would you guess abuse is the #1 reason?
Physical abuse?
Verbal/Emotional abuse?
Mental abuse?
Sexual abuse?
Financial abuse?

No. Abuse is so far down the totem pole of women's reasons that it's ridiculous when it should be the #1 reason, but abuse they tolerate.

The #1 reason women file for divorce is neglect. Exactly what you are describing is the main reason women end their marriage. And just like you're saying you have considered walking out on numerous occasions, that's what most women do until they get sick of being neglected and they become the Walk Away Wife.

But here's the rub:
We women have a tendency to think that we are the only ones that matter in the relationship. Our wants, our needs, what we want to do, what we don't want to do, and so on are all that we consider. We sometimes expect our man's whole existence to be centered around us. You're saying he plays games and hangs out with his friends. You're also saying you try to get him to do things with you.

Do you see the difference there?

1. You try to get him to do things with you.
2. You've tried asking him to go to the park and taking walks, hiking, movies, etc.

And then you called the things he likes to do aggravating and don't like that he hangs out with his friends.

So, the question you should ask yourself is "Why are the things I like to do so much more valid and more important than the things that he likes to do?"

Do you see how his existence does and shouldn't have to center around you and your preferences? He's a grown man who has determined his own likes and dislikes.

Sports are often times not a woman's thing, so we didn't hesitate to call ourselves "sports widows" due to what we considered hubby's neglect for the sake of Super Bowl Sunday.....and all the other Sundays, and Thursdays, and whenever a game is on, which is every night of the week. But the smart cookies began learning about the games so they could enjoy them with their husbands and take part in hanging out with his friends, throwing tailgating parties, Super Bowl parties, etc.

These days, we're calling ourselves "video game widows" because all he wants to do is play video games, sleep, and hang out with his gaming friends. So now, you be the smart cookie of current day, and take an interest in the games that he likes and hanging out with him and his friends. Just like you can expect him to want to go to the park and taking walks, hiking, movies, etc. with you, he has every right to expect you to want to do things that he likes.

You're not the only one in this marriage. You're not the only one who has interests. And you're not the only one who has needs. How would you feel if he told you that he also feels neglected and you won't join him in the things he wants to do? It would be a fair complaint just like yours is. Maybe you making an effort in his direction will prompt him to make an effort in your direction. You don't have a legitimate complaint until you stop thinking that you matter more and try to meet him halfway.

So, I wanted to offer food for thought regarding the Walk Away Wife Syndrome, as well as our tendency to think we, the wife, are all that matters in the marriage.

But I want to point out that along with a whole lot of these gaming addictions is a guy who isn't gaming at all but is actually on porn sites taking care of his own sexual needs, while wifey goes neglected and thinks he's playing games just because he's on the computer and that's what he told her he's doing. I think you need to find out for sure that gaming is actually what he's doing.

And by that same token, those guys whose wives are not aware their husbands are on porn sites, they also don't know their husbands are on meet up sites. So while you might think he's hanging out with gaming friends, be sure you know for certain who he is hanging out with - friends or some female he met online. You might very well find out how many dating sites he is registered on.

Unfortunately, that is also the trend these days. You might find you've been neglected for reasons other than you thought. I hope you don't, but it's more likely you will, believe it or not.
 

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Men have always had hobbies or outside interests that take them away from their most important human relationship. Growing up, I heard about golf widows and fishing widows. While I have always tried to put my marriage first, there have been times where I've gotten a little too involved with downhill skiing in the winter and mountain biking in the summer. Any man with less core dedication to the marriage is easily sucked in to outside interests.

What makes it even harder with gaming is that it is so easily accessible. At least with skiing, I have to plan the day, take the time to actually drive to the resort, gear up, deal with lift lines, endure the cold, etc. But with gaming, all one need do is turn on the computer. It's so easy to start, so easy to get sucked in, and so easy to keep going and going and going....

Add to that that gaming is now a diagnosable addiction, just like any other.

The latter part should be your main concern. Addictions are impossible for someone other than the addict himself to battle, and only he can choose to do so. Now the science on this isn't fully settled, and even if it was, it may not apply to your husband, but that he is so quick to turn a deaf ear to your concerns, is concerning.

This is why you need to heed Ele's advice above. A time frame is key, and a willingness to adhere to the boundaries you set is essential. You do not want to spend the rest of your life playing second fiddle to microchips, a modem, and a flat screen.
 

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There is a huge difference between a guy spending time with his wife in quality time (about 15 hours a week) and then him having time for hobbies/interests and his friends -vs- a guy who spends no quality time with his wife and spending all his time on everything except his wife. The latter is not good.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Men have always had hobbies or outside interests that take them away from their most important human relationship. Growing up, I heard about golf widows and fishing widows. While I have always tried to put my marriage first, there have been times where I've gotten a little too involved with downhill skiing in the winter and mountain biking in the summer. Any man with less core dedication to the marriage is easily sucked in to outside interests.

What makes it even harder with gaming is that it is so easily accessible. At least with skiing, I have to plan the day, take the time to actually drive to the resort, gear up, deal with lift lines, endure the cold, etc. But with gaming, all one need do is turn on the computer. It's so easy to start, so easy to get sucked in, and so easy to keep going and going and going....

Add to that that gaming is now a diagnosable addiction, just like any other.

The latter part should be your main concern. Addictions are impossible for someone other than the addict himself to battle, and only he can choose to do so. Now the science on this isn't fully settled, and even if it was, it may not apply to your husband, but that he is so quick to turn a deaf ear to your concerns, is concerning.

This is why you need to heed Ele's advice above. A time frame is key, and a willingness to adhere to the boundaries you set is essential. You do not want to spend the rest of your life playing second fiddle to microchips, a modem, and a flat screen.
thanks for feedback, yea i don't mind him having his interest, but it's an issue when he puts that first before anything and cancels plans with me so he can do gaming. I will definitely put a time frame to this and see how it works out.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
There is a huge difference between a guy spending time with his wife in quality time (about 15 hours a week) and then him having time for hobbies/interests and his friends -vs- a guy who spends no quality time with his wife and spending all his time on everything except his wife. The latter is not good.
yea i dont mind him having hobbies, but I'm just being pushed to side and I only see him a few hours a week because of his work schedule...it sucks
 

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@EleGirl...thanks for the feedback and book list..I appreciate it.

Yes, I work a 9-5 job and I honestly have no support system...a couple of my friends moved to Florida and have children. And I don't have a close knit family unfortunately.
One of the things that you need to do is to build a strong support system for yourself. You might want to check out the website http://www.meetup.com Check out the meetups for your area (zip code). Find things that you enjoy doing and/or are interested in. Get out there and meet people, get active on your own.

Do you work out? What are you doing for yourself these days?

Right now you are the wife who is boring. He does not have to pay attention to you because like the furniture, you are not going anywhere (yea I know I already said that.)

Get active. Make friends. Work out. Work on yourself.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Did you know that women file for divorce at a much greater rate than men?

And do you know the #1 reason women file for divorce?

Would you guess abuse is the #1 reason?
Physical abuse?
Verbal/Emotional abuse?
Mental abuse?
Sexual abuse?
Financial abuse?

No. Abuse is so far down the totem pole of women's reasons that it's ridiculous when it should be the #1 reason, but abuse they tolerate.

The #1 reason women file for divorce is neglect. Exactly what you are describing is the main reason women end their marriage. And just like you're saying you have considered walking out on numerous occasions, that's what most women do until they get sick of being neglected and they become the []Walk Away Wife[/URL].

But here's the rub:
We women have a tendency to think that we are the only ones that matter in the relationship. Our wants, our needs, what we want to do, what we don't want to do, and so on are all that we consider. We sometimes expect our man's whole existence to be centered around us. You're saying he plays games and hangs out with his friends. You're also saying you try to get him to do things with you.

Do you see the difference there?

1. You try to get him to do things with you.
2. You've tried asking him to go to the park and taking walks, hiking, movies, etc.

And then you called the things he likes to do aggravating and don't like that he hangs out with his friends.

So, the question you should ask yourself is "Why are the things I like to do so much more valid and more important than the things that he likes to do?"

Do you see how his existence does and shouldn't have to center around you and your preferences? He's a grown man who has determined his own likes and dislikes.

Sports are often times not a woman's thing, so we didn't hesitate to call ourselves "sports widows" due to what we considered hubby's neglect for the sake of Super Bowl Sunday.....and all the other Sundays, and Thursdays, and whenever a game is on, which is every night of the week. But the smart cookies began learning about the games so they could enjoy them with their husbands and take part in hanging out with his friends, throwing tailgating parties, Super Bowl parties, etc.

These days, we're calling ourselves "video game widows" because all he wants to do is play video games, sleep, and hang out with his gaming friends. So now, you be the smart cookie of current day, and take an interest in the games that he likes and hanging out with him and his friends. Just like you can expect him to want to go to the park and taking walks, hiking, movies, etc. with you, he has every right to expect you to want to do things that he likes.

You're not the only one in this marriage. You're not the only one who has interests. And you're not the only one who has needs. How would you feel if he told you that he also feels neglected and you won't join him in the things he wants to do? It would be a fair complaint just like yours is. Maybe you making an effort in his direction will prompt him to make an effort in your direction. You don't have a legitimate complaint until you stop thinking that you matter more and try to meet him halfway.

So, I wanted to offer food for thought regarding the Walk Away Wife Syndrome, as well as our tendency to think we, the wife, are all that matters in the marriage.

But I want to point out that along with a whole lot of these gaming addictions is a guy who isn't gaming at all but is actually on porn sites taking care of his own sexual needs, while wifey goes neglected and thinks he's playing games just because he's on the computer and that's what he told her he's doing. I think you need to find out for sure that gaming is actually what he's doing.

And by that same token, those guys whose wives are not aware their husbands are on porn sites, they also don't know their husbands are on meet up sites. So while you might think he's hanging out with gaming friends, be sure you know for certain who he is hanging out with - friends or some female he met online. You might very well find out how many dating sites he is registered on.

Unfortunately, that is also the trend these days. You might find you've been neglected for reasons other than you thought. I hope you don't, but it's more likely you will, believe it or not.
No you're way off...my husband and I only see each other a few hours a week because he works the night shift and on weekends he does his gaming and sleeps. We make plans to do things on weekends, but he then decides to postpone things so he can do his gaming. SO if anything, he's putting his needs first.,,his putting his needs before quality time with his wife who he barely sees within the week. I don't stop him from hanging out with his friends, but it does concern me that he leaves me hanging knowing that we haven't done nothing together as a couple in God knows how long. So that Walk Away Wife Syndrome you mentioned is BS.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
One of the things that you need to do is to build a strong support system for yourself. You might want to check out the website. Check out the meetups for your area (zip code). Find things that you enjoy doing and/or are interested in. Get out there and meet people, get active on your own.

Do you work out? What are you doing for yourself these days?

Right now you are the wife who is boring. He does not have to pay attention to you because like the furniture, you are not going anywhere (yea I know I already said that.)

Get active. Make friends. Work out. Work on yourself.
Yea I wish i had friends i can do things with and socialize, but I haven't made the effort.
My life is simply boring now. I used to do yoga, but stopped.
 

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Hi Everyone, I've been married for 5 years now, going on 6 yrs in November - no children. My husband has developed a deep interest in video games and has been working the night shift for 3 years. On weekends when he has off, he will spend his time playing video games and then he will sleep. I've made numerous efforts to try and have him do things with me like going to the park and taking walks, hiking, movies, etc., but he makes his gaming more of a priority in addition to hanging out with his gaming friends (he works with these same friends too, who are much younger than him and are not married - my husband is 37 and these friends are in their mid to late 20's.) But this gaming thing is really aggravating and i've expressed this to him on numerous occassions, but it's like he turns a deaf ear. I'm not sure what to do at this point, though I have considered walking out. And not only is the gaming an issue, but there is a lack of intimacy and we don't even sleep in the same bed. The last time we were intimate (it was in January of this year) it just didnt feel right - the passion was/is gone. I just need some advice before I make the next step.
That's easy. Do what my W did. Get rid of the damn game console or I'm out. Then hand your idiot H the D papers. You can always stop the D later if he gets his crap straight.

Gaming has killed many a marriage. It is doing it again here.
 

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No you're way off...my husband and I only see each other a few hours a week because he works the night shift and on weekends he does his gaming and sleeps. We make plans to do things on weekends, but he then decides to postpone things so he can do his gaming. SO if anything, he's putting his needs first.,,his putting his needs before quality time with his wife who he barely sees within the week. I don't stop him from hanging out with his friends, but it does concern me that he leaves me hanging knowing that we haven't done nothing together as a couple in God knows how long. So that Walk Away Wife Syndrome you mentioned is BS.
I'm afraid you didn't understand my post, and that is unfortunate because 1) there is nothing BS about Walk Away Wife Syndrome (you didn't understand that you are well on the road to being that), and 2) it isn't possible for your husband to be solely responsible for the success of your marriage nor solely to blame for the failure of your marriage. It takes two people and as long as you keep thinking it's all on him, there is no book you can read or anything else you can do to fix it. There is nothing "way off" about what I said. And regarding that, will you be too big a person to come back and tell us if you find out he's watching porn videos and taking care of himself as much or more than playing games? Or that he's cheating with women he met online. He hasn't touched you in 8 months. How could I possibly be "way off"? Do you honestly think a man is THAT interested in video games? Even game widows complain that he only pays attention to them when he wants sex. But you can't even say that much.
 

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there is a huge difference between a guy spending time with his wife in quality time (about 15 hours a week) and then him having time for hobbies/interests and his friends -vs- a guy who spends no quality time with his wife and spending all his time on everything except his wife. The latter is not good.
exactly
 

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No you're way off...my husband and I only see each other a few hours a week because he works the night shift and on weekends he does his gaming and sleeps. We make plans to do things on weekends, but he then decides to postpone things so he can do his gaming. SO if anything, he's putting his needs first.,,his putting his needs before quality time with his wife who he barely sees within the week. I don't stop him from hanging out with his friends, but it does concern me that he leaves me hanging knowing that we haven't done nothing together as a couple in God knows how long. So that Walk Away Wife Syndrome you mentioned is BS.
Did you read the Walk Away Wife Syndrome (WAWS) link? What this website states is that the WAWS occurs when a the woman has serious issues in her marriage and ties and tries and tries to tell her husband about it to get him to address them. The husband just ignores what she is telling him. After all, he's just find with the marriage the way things are. So he thinks she just nick picking on him. Eventually the wife gives up trying to communicate with her husband about it. And after some time she just files for divorce. And her husband feels like it comes out of the blue because he thought everything is ok. The WAWS has nothing to do with the woman being self centered. It has to do with exactly the kind of things going on in your relation.

For a marriage to work, both parents have to work to meet each other's needs or the marriage falls apart.

Here's what two different studies found are the reasons that women divorce. Others that look at it differently say that about 25% of the time, women divorce due to domestic violence.

  1. Infidelity
  2. Incompatible
  3. Drinking/drug use
  4. Grew apart
  5. Personality problems
  6. Lack of communication
  7. Physical or mental abuse
  8. Loss of love
  9. Not meeting family obligations
  10. Employment problems

https://daltondivorcemediation.com/10-reasons-women-divorce/

1) Different life goals
2) Infidelity
3) Constant quarreling
4) Lack of intimacy
5) Mental illness
6) Misconduct
7) Boredom
8) Physical abuse
9) Household problems
10) Money problems​

https://www.thesun.co.uk/fabulous/6692002/top-10-reasons-women-divorce/
 
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