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Hi,

This seems to be a beaten topic but I need your specific advice on this matter.

Married for 4 years now and we are living with our parents. We have a 1 year old kid and during my wife's last delivery, there were many issues.

The issues have been there between my wife and mom just from a couple of months after marriage. I put out my parents in a separate house for 6 months and brought them back into our house when they agreed to be good. But, it's been a year now and nothing has changed in my parents behavior. My father always takes my mom's stand and fires my wife abuses saying she is not even worth a penny and how spoilt she is etc. etc.

My wife is a homely girl and does things(cooking etc.) a little different than my mom does and that doesn't fit well with them but with time she has learnt according to what my parents want. However, they still don't like her for some reason. Now, they when I am not there at home and gone to office, my wife tell me when I am back from office that my parents still abuse her. She says she has been very patient.
I have shouted at my parents multiple times threatening i would go away and would never be in touch with them. They say I cna go but later after a few hours become soft thinking who will sponsor them money every month because I am the lone earner in the family and my Dad has retired.

Now, my wife is pregnant again and 5th month. Now, my wife is fedup of my parents because now they have started taunting her that she is increasing my expenditure etc. etc. by eating more and good things and that is making my wife cry and not eat the whole day.

She tell me this when I am back from office. Earleir she used to eat when I consoled her and fed her food myself at night. But now, she says I am not supportive to ehr and have not been there at her bad times(while I have actually had to change 2 jobs for reasons of spending more time with family. My parents blame my wife itself for my leaving the jobs inspite of me telling them not to accuse).

Now, the situation is such that my wife has gone to her mom's place since a month and doesn't take my phone calls. I call her only max. twice a week but somehow whe returns the clals once a week and talks for just 5 mins about our kid and keeps the phone saying ttyl. I go to work forgetting it but again when I try to communicate and ask her when she will come back and where to do the delivery this time, she says let's see and that she has not decided yet.

From the beginning of marriage my wife has been a little wierd in that she does not take my phone calls or return the calls even after days have passed. I ahve always complained to her about this and said I feel left out when she does like that and even shouted at her many times citing I will divorce her if she acted like that again. Somehow, I have always felt she has not loved me...It was an arranged marriage.


Plz suggest how to cope with my wife as well as my parents. How do I make my father realize not to take stand of mom or even abuse my wife because whatever I say, he stops me saying he knows it all and he's the elder one. How do I make my mom realize that she also is a lady and that she must care for a pregnant lady.
 

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Oh my God, where to start. How old are you? Why on earth do you live with your parents. This will NEVER EVER work!!!!! You can't be married with 4 people. Time to cut the cord.

By the way, there can only be one alpha in a household. Do you think that's you? haha, no I suspect it's either your dad, or your mom. Either way, you need to leave (or kick them out if it's your house). But you better hope it's not your dad. Just saying....there have been threads on here about this in the past.
 

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You need to stand by your pregnant wife. You married her and not your parents. You can't make anyone do anything. All you can do is create boundaries. If those boundaries are crossed, then there must be consequences. You need to be consistent and follow through on the consequences.

At this point, you need to save some money and find your own place to live with your wife. My mother used to tell me that three was a crowd in a relationship. You have four in yours. This will almost always lead to people taking sides.
 

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I am in 30s now and hoping things will get better always because I somehow haven't liked the idea of alienating my parents thinking how mush it would emotionally scar them, they have brought me up from a family where they have worked hard for themselves and given my good education to make me a professional earner. They have this bad attitude of making my name bad in relatives' places so when we visit them they tell me that I had driven my parents out of the house while it wasn't true because I had been funding them always.
But I must admit, this situation has made me less productive at work as well and I sometimes skip office to deal with the bad situation at home.

Now my wife is like she doesn't talk to me - I suggest her that we shall move out but she is diplomatic in her answer. She says I have been well taken care of by my parents and that she hasn't been able to take care of me (to an extent it's true that she doesn't cook always for me and I have had to manage her high spends on clothing and accessories and her thought of having an international holiday every year - Sadly, I have told all this to her earlier as well but I have also quickly followed up with apologies for being rude.).

So my wife says it is not good to move out but then she asks me to search for a job out of this city which I am doing but nothing's working out.


How do I get my wife to give me a thought that we shall move out or that she will somehow adjust with my parents OR still better how can I make my parents be good to her.
 

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Ok back up... you don't want to emotionally scar your parents? You do realize that you have been emotionally scarring your wife all these years by allowing your parents to continue their toxic behavior toward her instead of setting your foot down and keeping firm boundaries in place right?
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But I have stood by my wife in open and always sometime yelling at my parents for being rude on her and that their thoughts of her not cooking well, not looking after kid well etc. etc. are not true. I have many times done that to my parents right in front of my wife. During her first pregnancy, I always stood by saying we would deliver the baby in our city and in a hospital of our choice but when my parent said they didn't want the bad waters in their house, I didn't get what to say bcoz I thought they would trouble my wife more if she stayed here and thinking about her good where she would need more peace during the last month of pregnancy, I said to my wife that she shall deliver at her parents' place. She delivered at her parents' place our first kid and now when she is pregnant the 2nd time and I tell her that we shall do it in a hospital of our choice and that we shall move out of this house and have a rented out space, small but our own house and a midwife to take care, she turns away from it and she says it's not good to be staying away in the same city.....and then she decides to go back to her parents' house and not answer my calls well....she speaks for just 5 mins about our kid, no love stuff, I remember when I had visited her parents' place(where she is currently), she didn't touch me when we slept together and somehow, God forbid I felt relegated too and didn't make nay advances at her. That's it and it's been about 3 weeks now and almost just 3 phone calls of 5 mins each.
 

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You can't make your parents do anything just like you can't make her do anything. No doubt she is resentful toward you for not wanting to move out sooner. She probably feels like you put her on the back burner and no woman wants to feel that they aren't the center of their mans attention. She may have very well given up on the marriage because your parents always came first over her and your kid. Not saying that is how it is... but that might be how she is seeing it. You may have failed to be her protector, provider, and hero in her eyes due to the issue with your parents.
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I think that the person who controls the purse strings controls what happens. It's time to let your parents be adults who support themselves. If dad can't support himself, he shouldn't be retired.

Give your parents ONE warning. Make it clear you will not tell them again that blaming, belittling your wife, name-calling, or violence is unacceptable, and that if they do it even a little bit, just once, that you will no longer support them. They arranged this marriage for you, and now have a responsibility to be supportive of it.
 

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You need to stand by your pregnant wife. You married her and not your parents. You can't make anyone do anything. All you can do is create boundaries. If those boundaries are crossed, then there must be consequences. You need to be consistent and follow through on the consequences.

At this point, you need to save some money and find your own place to live with your wife. My mother used to tell me that three was a crowd in a relationship. You have four in yours. This will almost always lead to people taking sides.
:iagree:

You need to move out with your wife and live on your own. It's never a good idea to stay with your parents. You are an adult and need to support your wife, not feel bad about leaving your parents. You are 30 years old, cut the cord and live in a home with only your own immediate family, as in you, your wife, and child(soon to be children). Your wife may answer poorly to moving out because she has been emotionally scarred by your parents and even you over the years by the way she's been treated. Protect your wife and get out.
 

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Your WIFE is your priority now... she, your child, and tgd child she is carrying. She comes first. PERIOD. She feels like you don't care about her feelings because that is what she sees when you pat your parents' hands and say "please play nice"... You need to TELL your parents that your WIFE is your priority, NOT THEM!

Now, stand up to your parents. Stand up for your wife!
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What do I do,..I feel lost more now than ever after reading your comment Gaia...Good gracious I am nervous bcoz i love that beautiful damsel...and her playful outings with me are ever so memorable on a cosy snowy hill or in a flowery garden. I am not being fantasy-stricken but that's how I see my wife as beautiful, sexy is she were in a bikini and very playful, youthful. Many times I tell her she's what I dreamt of before marriage and we dated for a good 7 months before marriage and were intimate enough to marry soon and get physical. It's love that has had us together even though marriage happened it was just 7 months after we met on the internet through her brother and my mother.

I want this to work and need really a step by step approach to make it work and have her back for me. Do you mean to say I must move out without waiting for my wife's answer and also choose the hospital I like for the delivery not waiting for her answer on this(because she seems diplomatic to me in her answers)

Somehow, I don't know how to better treat my parents even if they are away from me in the same city, plz suggest on that as well.
 

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She may be giving you those answers because she may feel like its what you want to hear but I doubt its what she really wants. I would say... yes move out... as the man you must show her your capable of being one... and this also includes making some decisions on your own instead of always waiting for her. Use your common sense here. Not trying to sound harsh but as others have said... you really do need to cut the cord with your parents.

By the way I have been in and still am in a similar situation as your wife and my spouse is like you... always feeling that he just HAS to do this or that for his mother, brother, ect.
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Don't get me wrong... its noble of you .. and my own spouse to want to help your blood relatives... but when you do it to this extent.... you tend to neglect your life partner which is never a good thing. Oh and yelling at your parents in front of your wife probably makes her think... "oh great now his parents have even more of a reason to hate me"
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I will call her up tomorrow itself...It's a Sunday and I will tell her I am scouting for a house for us to move in and that I want her back here and with me when she delivers our 2nd child and that I miss her and will visit her next weekend to have a good time physically and just in case, do women not make advances in bed or it should always be men advancing first and are men always more active in foreplay than women?...I feel when women are untouched for a long time maybe a month, they still don't advance first but when touched once, they literally pounce on you like an animal.

BTW Gaia, Howz ur hubby treating you, are you guys moving out as well?
 

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We have moved out thank goodness... we have had our own place for four months now but he still caters to his family... he is trying to make changes though. And as far as initiating goes... its different for each woman but some women tend to initiate more or all the time whereas others don't.
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Good for you and time for action for me...Let me do as I said tomorrow and I will post back what happens tomorrow. I think I need an online friend who can advice me all the time as I am not that great at negotiating relationships and thanks for your advice.

Initiating hmm...it seems there are also women initiators and love to be intimate. I think I am more comfortable discussing 'how to judge if my girl is interested and loving it' this offline but just a tweak here that I hope not initiating themselves doesn't mean they are not interested or not loving their man:-( and I hope usually not many women are initiators.
 

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Anytime you need advice or help or anything.. everyone here at TAM is more then willing to be the friend you need. :) They have certainly helped me.
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