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Dude she had sex with the swinger friends and hard telling how many guys she had in them 3 days . and she is having sex with guys at the events she is going to . if i was you i would kick her out and get a divorce asap .
 

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We have not had sex in years. No intimacy because she is always sewing and crafting. No I have no hobbies (used to play hockey and Armored combat [SCA] had to quit, to many concussions). Neglecting the relationship was started by her. Back story - Laurie years ago went to New Mexico to visit elderly grandparents. She stopped dressing up before that. But for that trip she died her hair bright colors, took dresses and makeup ( odd I thought ). Then shortly before she left she told me she was visiting an old friend. In my investigation, the old friend is on a open relationship with his bisexual wife and they love brightly colored hair. She spent 3 nights with them. I was not pleased.

As far as a magic wand. I wish she would put in the effort.

You let your wife go some couple’s house knowing she’s going there to get ****ed! Then you let your wife come to You without serving her divorce papers and her belongings in bags on the front porch or on the lawn. Sorry to be so harsh but buddy.! Did you just read what you wrote.
Being harsh and changing his story are not the same. He let his wife go thinking friend and Grandparents. His investigation showed him the truth.
 

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Losing control of your emotions is a sign of weakness, not a sign of strength. Yes, it's okay to let someone know you are angry, but you don't wait until it all builds up and you have no control and no plan for how to express your boundaries.
Agreed it would be much more effective to have divorce papers and show them to her and say are you in or out, to paraphrase. Although it seem like she is already out at this point.
 

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Discussion Starter #45
Fortunately for me I don't lose control of my emotions. She as me how I was doing. I responded by stating I was angry. Laurie, as with what. I said her. Then the talk began. I told Laurie her I was through being a second hand citizen with no consideration. Laid out a small amount of facts about her actions. She tried to rebuke some of them. So I asked her to give me examples. She could not. So at this point I laid out numerous examples of what I (stupidity) have allowed. For the first time in many years I think I saw a light flicker in her (me now realizing) less than intelligent head. For you people who stated, I allowed this you would be correct. It takes two to create a problem in a relationship.

I told her as far as her cosplay ventures. I told her she should just give me back her wedding ring and do what ever she wants. Because at this point. All her actions have consequences. I told her the truth. What she has done is burned the bridge between us. I am tired of standing on one side yelling. She broke this relationship. She can choose to fit ot or I will end it.

I have laid out to my stupid wife Laurie what the problem is and what I am going do. I didn't flinch, studder or weaken. She now knows our failing marriage is under a microscope.

I explained calmly to my children that things may change, depending on they mothers actions. I told them I will always be there for them.
 

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Hey Joe, ( that just roles off the tongue ... Hey Joe)

Well done. Sometimes in life it takes a good smack in the head to realize what we have done to ourselves, why we allowed it, and how we got there. It's often difficult
to come to the understandings of our own responsibility in the matter. So many times we get so consumed with "what should be" and hang on to the threads of "what is".
 

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Well I finished working today. Managed to be mad enough to grow a set. Went home and blasted Laurie (wife).

I gave her options. She discovered during our heated discussion that she ****ing sucks. I will give her credit. Tried some rebuttals. That did not work out for her very well.

I wouldn't say I won. Nobody really ever wins in these cases. But she knows exactly where I stand.

The sad part is I expected to feel worst. I don't feel great, just different. We will see what happens. It should be interesting.
She's obviously worn the pants for years in your marriage.

You had a little hissy fit and let off some steam and stamped your feet which probably surprised her because you've been such a welcome mat for so long. But you didn't change anything.

Things should be right back to the same hell they've always been in a day or two.

Now, a man who lays down the law, stands behind his word and is a man of ACTIONS, well that's a whole different story.

Be that man instead, OP.
 

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Hey OP you’re not getting it.! You didn’t accomplish anything with your little tantrum all your meaningless nagging her... guaranteed that’s all she heard what is a bunch of threats from you carry no weight. And she knows this, your words are meaningless and don’t hold any power. She needs to be accountable for her horrible decisions and actions.! Because of your lack of actions in the past the only thing that will affect her is by you handing her divorce papers. OP I don’t think you have it in you to do the right thing for your children and yourself. No more talking to her act like she’s dead. Start doing things just for your kids and yourself. 1. thing on your list. Go see an attorney file for divorce. 2. have her served and removed from your life. 3. Start enjoying and living a good life. And I’m sure there is a wonderful woman out there that is waiting to be part of your life someday.
 

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As to the question, do I love her, my heart says yes and my brain wants to explode.

Is there any advise as to how a "talk" should go. Because a small part of me doesn't want to hurt her and the larger part wants to go nuclear.

Please honest advise.
The reason I asked this question is because you seem like a man who is dripping with disdain for his wife over make up and clothing. So either there is more to this story, or you mainly to look within yourself for some issues as well. If you are going to go nuclear on her over this, just go ahead and file for divorce. Reading some of your other responses in this thread leads me to believe that she is distancing herself from you because of the way you act.
 

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Fortunately for me I don't lose control of my emotions. She as me how I was doing. I responded by stating I was angry. Laurie, as with what. I said her. Then the talk began. I told Laurie her I was through being a second hand citizen with no consideration. Laid out a small amount of facts about her actions. She tried to rebuke some of them. So I asked her to give me examples. She could not. So at this point I laid out numerous examples of what I (stupidity) have allowed. For the first time in many years I think I saw a light flicker in her (me now realizing) less than intelligent head. For you people who stated, I allowed this you would be correct. It takes two to create a problem in a relationship.

I told her as far as her cosplay ventures. I told her she should just give me back her wedding ring and do what ever she wants. Because at this point. All her actions have consequences. I told her the truth. What she has done is burned the bridge between us. I am tired of standing on one side yelling. She broke this relationship. She can choose to fit ot or I will end it.

I have laid out to my stupid wife Laurie what the problem is and what I am going do. I didn't flinch, studder or weaken. She now knows our failing marriage is under a microscope.

I explained calmly to my children that things may change, depending on they mothers actions. I told them I will always be there for them.
You have control, but you are sitting here calling her "stupid" and then immediately talked to your children? You are either ending or trying to fix your marriage, not impress us with your new found strength. Dress it up anyway you want, I see someone who lost control. When I talked to my wife, the kids were sent to the movies. Our discussion was private and remained that way because we worked things out.

You involved your kids and used them as pawns. IMO, you had a tantrum and lost control
 

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Fortunately for me I don't lose control of my emotions. She as me how I was doing. I responded by stating I was angry. Laurie, as with what. I said her. Then the talk began. I told Laurie her I was through being a second hand citizen with no consideration. Laid out a small amount of facts about her actions. She tried to rebuke some of them. So I asked her to give me examples. She could not. So at this point I laid out numerous examples of what I (stupidity) have allowed. For the first time in many years I think I saw a light flicker in her (me now realizing) less than intelligent head. For you people who stated, I allowed this you would be correct. It takes two to create a problem in a relationship.

I told her as far as her cosplay ventures. I told her she should just give me back her wedding ring and do what ever she wants. Because at this point. All her actions have consequences. I told her the truth. What she has done is burned the bridge between us. I am tired of standing on one side yelling. She broke this relationship. She can choose to fit ot or I will end it.

I have laid out to my stupid wife Laurie what the problem is and what I am going do. I didn't flinch, studder or weaken. She now knows our failing marriage is under a microscope.

I explained calmly to my children that things may change, depending on they mothers actions. I told them I will always be there for them.
I am sorry, but this entire post just makes you look pathetic. She has some serious issues, but you need to drop the arrogance and look in the mirror.

Oh, and for God's sake please go back and remove your wife's actual name from all your posts. Are you really so up to say that you don't know what a badd idea it is to use your wife's real name on a public forum???
 

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Please forgive me for coming in late to the party but can you better explain what a 48 year old woman doing with cosplay...what exactly does she dress up as and what do they do at these events?
 

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Please forgive me for coming in late to the party but can you better explain what a 48 year old woman doing with cosplay...what exactly does she dress up as and what do they do at these events?
This is very easy to Google. Just look up any Comicon or Deagoncon and the United States. And yes, middle aged and beyond people do this all the time period it's not just teenagers.
 

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I'm sorry you're in this mess. Don't be too hard on yourself for working hard for your family (and loving and trusting someone to have your back and do the right thing).

You are not alone. Check in as often as you need to for advice, support or to vent.

You can't control another person. So focus on the person you can control - yourself.

Treat/spoil yourself: gym, massage, new grooming, clothes & car, a new hobby. Whatever makes you happy and improves the quality of your life.

Confronting her was a good first step. Now you need to continue to exert control over your life and marriage. You also need to feel a sense of being in control.

Set a time limit. For example, in 6 months you (you! not her!) will decide whether to remain in the marriage. You can extent it etc.

See an attorney about how divorce would impact you.
Set up IC for yourself asap.
See a doctor and tell them your story. Get help with sleeplessness, anger, and loss of weight.

Consider giving her some specific goals. For example, some minimal level of grooming at home or out for supper.
Suggest to her some romantic things you can do together (dancing, couples massage, dinner, weekend away).
(Stop calling her unintelligent or stupid. And leave the kids out of this.)

As a middle ground consider she reduce her activities and only play when you're present. Don't respond to me but rather discuss this with your IC.

Finally, studies show that people hear or retain 10-20% of what we say verbally. Probably less in an argument or when you're angry.
Consider periodically civilly summarizing your discussions, needs etc in writing so there's no misunderstanding.

If you still love your wife, then tell her so - but emphasize that you can't stay in a marriage where (among other things) you feel marginalized, taken for granted, and unsafe.
 

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Discussion Starter #56
You all bring up points of views that I am looking at. Some are helpful. As far as using my kids as pawns. You are wrong. My kids are wise beyond they years and already figured out there is a problem. Using my wife's name maybe in poor taste, but her actions have consequences. I have read all your comments and have determined that yes, I have guity of somethings, but her selfishness in doing things for everyone but her husband is distainable. It's not one thing, dressing up is the most obvious. With all of her postings.

Me being pathetic, to some point, I will have to agree.
 

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You all bring up points of views that I am looking at. Some are helpful. As far as using my kids as pawns. You are wrong. My kids are wise beyond they years and already figured out there is a problem. Using my wife's name maybe in poor taste, but her actions have consequences. I have read all your comments and have determined that yes, I have guity of somethings, but her selfishness in doing things for everyone but her husband is distainable. It's not one thing, dressing up is the most obvious. With all of her postings.

Me being pathetic, to some point, I will have to agree.
So....since your kids are older, you are fine with putting them in your marriage conflict. And you will continue to out your wife by name because "actions have consequences."

I am understanding more and more why she would rather play the part of Danerys or a Pokemon than herself...

Your disdain and pride WILL effectively kill your marriage whether your wife makes changes or not. And she DOES need to make changes. But so do you, sir.
 

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You all bring up points of views that I am looking at. Some are helpful. As far as using my kids as pawns. You are wrong. My kids are wise beyond they years and already figured out there is a problem. Using my wife's name maybe in poor taste, but her actions have consequences. I have read all your comments and have determined that yes, I have guity of somethings, but her selfishness in doing things for everyone but her husband is distainable. It's not one thing, dressing up is the most obvious. With all of her postings.

Me being pathetic, to some point, I will have to agree.
It's never easy for a sheep to learn how to be the wolf. It doesn't happen in a day, week, or month. The most important part is that you have raised your level of
self awareness. That is the most important part.

If nothing else remember this: The person who needs the other the least in the relationship will always hold ALL the power.

The wolf cares not what the sheep wants. Every time you self compromise you become the sheep. Every time you establish boundaries you become the wolf.

Accept the fact that you will get hammered here no matter what you do .... take what you read and learn from it.

All post are options in your arsenal .....
 

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Discussion Starter #59
Your disdain and pride WILL effectively kill your marriage whether your wife makes changes or not. And she DOES need to make changes. But so do you, sir.

You are probably right, but if someone has wronged you and you are at the point of destroying a family. I think anyone would call out the person whether by name or not. Proof of point I am here asking strangers for advice.

I may not be the take charge "man" I should be, but at least I am seeking different opinions.

Calling her out is nothing compared to the damage she has done.

As for my children, I have not told them anything they already didn't figure out. If I truly wanted to play my almost adult children. I could tell them a fraction of their mom's past and that would do it.

Do I have problems, yes, I here. Do I want to have a better future, yes, I am here. Will it happen ....... that is initially up to my wife.
 

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Your disdain and pride WILL effectively kill your marriage whether your wife makes changes or not. And she DOES need to make changes. But so do you, sir.

You are probably right, but if someone has wronged you and you are at the point of destroying a family. I think anyone would call out the person whether by name or not. Proof of point I am here asking strangers for advice.

I may not be the take charge "man" I should be, but at least I am seeking different opinions.

Calling her out is nothing compared to the damage she has done.

As for my children, I have not told them anything they already didn't figure out. If I truly wanted to play my almost adult children. I could tell them a fraction of their mom's past and that would do it.

Do I have problems, yes, I here. Do I want to have a better future, yes, I am here. Will it happen ....... that is initially up to my wife.
As I have aged what I have learned is one of the key things you need to be to be a good man is strength. YOU NEED TO BE STRONG. It takes strength to say enough, and then stick to it even though your natural tendency is to go back to old patterns, but **** that. You are a man be strong. It's gonna suck at first but still be strong. Honestly there is no wife who would rather go play dress up then have a husband who desires them. I don't believe that. Their nature is to be wanted, but when you can't call her out on her ****, when you choose the easy path of least resistance because it's easy for you, you are showing her that you don't care enough.

All people want to be with people of conviction and strength, but I think it is especially attractive to wives with their husbands. That is assuming you are not an ass or a fool. In this case wanting your wife to treat you with respect is not that, it's perfectly reasonable.

In this case hold the course but also figure out why you have been so passive. At the very least it's not attractive.

Then figure out if she cheated. If she did move on, if she didn't find out a way to go passionately make love to her. Give her a reason to care.
 
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