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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
Marriage 2.0..A nice guys guide to sexless marriage recovery

This will be an ongoing series of threads print them out (keep them clean and organized please... positive comments welcome)... It will be done in chapters spaced in time (purposly because this stuff takes TIME) This will allow other "nice" guys caught all of the sudden in a sexless marriage to develop their own plan for sexless recovery.
It can be done. You will simply transform yourself into HER best option and along the way transform your wife into YOUR best option..WIN/WIN

Those who doubted me.... thanks you just encouraged me to continue on...this was uncharted territory I simply would not accept a sexless marriage forever and prefer MY WIFE for that. Its not rocket science. I am a GOOD GUY and I wanted to stay true to myself that way I can maintain it for life! I don't want anything but a commitment to marriage from both my wife and myself... a complete makeover.


WARNING: this PLAN and my series is for those who want a NEW BETTER marriage with their wives with their own NEEDS completely taken into account for life. IF you are not willing to put at least 18-36 months into solving your issue permanently...simply move on.

Wives snooping... This is all in your best interest and comes from the position have we are equal partners... some of my methodology is shocking. Most isn't. BEst of all YOU benefit too....just get ready to have lots of sex with your hubby as you like to call him on here. You will both fall back in love.

Good luck.

Those willing to sacrifice short term pain for long term gain read on.... I firmly believe with my findings and ACTUAL EXPERIENCES THAT WERE TESTED most any sexless marriage can be turned around within three years... MINE WAS EXTREME and I did it. So can you....IF you want to and are 100% committed to succeed... I will be your mentor.

I want to thank all of you that have offered me advice through the years. My wife and I are not 100% back yet but we will get there.

Here is my story...a typical one from a typical middle upper class family with two boys.




Pre-sexlessness.... Year 17



My life was perfect (except for sex), I love my wife, I love my family and we had the American Dream. Everyone thought our marriage was perfect including us.

My defense all along as you who know me...."My wife is PERFECT I would never leave her if only we had sex" I am a typical husband... we do not initially see the faults in our wife's... trust me they are just as flawed as us and you WILL discover that on your journey.

Then something changed.. Sex started to wane we couldn't seem to find the time. I settled on an acceptable more than monthly (trying to be nice and let my wife rest) yet somehow we started to go beyond that (her doing) wife not into it much ... this was years ago.

I was stressed over that and other stuff like my job etc. I started to exhibit some stress coping behaviors like drinking a bit too much. Also i was pretty short tempered with my kids... they didn't deserve it as It was not heir fault... they were there though and pissing me off. So yes I yelled at hem to stop. Two boys 3 years apart you all know how hard that can be.

My wife secretly was upset... She told me later she would be up in the bathroom crying. I had no idea. When I look back on hat period I knew it was "wrong' to yell at my kids so much but its almost like I couldn't stop.. It was me trying to send a message to my wife I'm stressed lets have sex.

Then it happenned.... ILYNILWY 2 years 10 months ago. She developed closes contact with another male to help her through it... a long-term EA in my opinion and friendship in hers.

She even had the nerve to say EVERYONE sees you as self-centered. She obviously WAS talking about us...HER "friends' giving her 'advice" I was not worth it for her. She even lied to me as I asked people if they said that. She made up lots of stuff. She had a laundry list of complaints going back to our wedding day.... she was simply re-evaluating her life at mid stage. Women ARE different...way different!

She even started shaving her privates, wearing sexy panties. going to the gym everyday.

We are recovering. Marriage 2.0

Here's the deal we do love each other and our previous marriage was out of whack . Our roles were out of whack. Our sex life was always low against national averages (never mention that to her..mistake 1) I think our best year after marrige was about 20 times per year....I was TOO nice...MY wife TOO tired.. This series of posts is how we recovered.... others can benefit.

So I hope you enjoy his long tern series... I want to share my knowledge wit all who need it. I was very upset to find hat sexlessness had such a low possibility of turning around and that most marriages simply were accepting or ending. There had to be a better way... I will share the way as we go. You will not ever threaten divorce. YOU will do nothing but continue to love your wife ven though right know she may be question how she feels about you...thats OK your marriage needs fixed. THERE IS NO QUICK FIX!

For now I just want to explain what a sexless marriage like mine is and isn't.

It is...

Beneficial, as it allows you a chance to re-calibrate your marriage look at it as an opportunity and very necessary if you want more sex. You will both change for the better... It took both of your to get HERE and both of you to get THERE.

Hard... very hard.... i cannot tell you haow much time and energy i have spent on this. It is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with in my entire life!

Loving... we do love each other. If my wife though here was no chance for recovery she 'Would be gone!" Her words. (My wife is likely like yours...if she is there then there is always a chance)

So guys (possibly girls can benefit to) here is how I'm going to help you recovery from sexless marriage... you have to have a PLAN! Guys have to have plans... we are plan oriented and we want to get results. I have found a PLAN that works for me.... I cannot guarantee it will work for you. It is based on all sorts of research and takes the best parts of MMSL, Calle Zorro, My steps, TAM mentors, everything. Its what worked for me.

THE PLAN is what keeps you sane (along with some porn/masturbation)..there is light at the end of the tunnel for many nice guys.

Steps will be provided in stages, I will post step one at some point i the near future. For now let me give you all some advice of what works and doesn't.

Works:

Consistency
Time
Masturbation some porn.
Letters, Talks, e-mails
Targeted (laser-like) communication with lots of time in between.
Communicating your thoughts.
Changing your behaviors.
Connecting with the kids.
Some spying.
commitment and NEVER taking your eye off the goal.
Always look your wife directly in her eyes when she talks and LISTEN to her.
Chit-chat your wife hates conflict. That is why we target it..get it?

What doesn't..

Silence
Grumpiness
Changing yourself too much.
Trying to read your wife's thoughts.
Talking without practice... wives never forget a word.
Threatening
Leaving
Lots of spying.



Mental exercise... Think about how our behaviors look to your wife. Would you have sex with YOU.

Guys STOP THE BLEEDING and the patient may survive! Time is your BIGGEST ally.
KEEP your eye on the GOAL. Work THE ISSUE.

NEVER EVER APOLOGIZE FOR YOUR SEX DRIVE..its yours NOT hers.

Its a process...there is an issue NO SEX or LITTLE SEX we together will re-calibrate our wives thoughts.

Keep in mind... YOUR WIFE is processing always this stuff. Women do NOT change on a dime. You will help guide her through the process while you work on becoming a better man for yourself. Eventually she will fall deeply in love with you again, sex will not ever be an issue again. Why? You BOTH will not allow it to be...she will be concerned you are getting enough sex!

We will do steps in STAGES like at 3 month or 6 month intervals.... you will have fun watching your wife change back to the girl you met but better!

Here is your homework until the next installment:

List everything your wife has mentioned as her issue with you.
Research Women's Needs. Not yours theirs. BECOME A EXPERT...start googling.
Start to get fit, iron your clothes, do at least 51% of the household chores NO MORE!
Pick one new thing (something you should do but don't for yourself)... for me it was flossing my teeth twice a day <-- This is a good habit you need one to help ground you to be task oriented a reminder that YOU are improving day by day.
Stop whining. Stop complaining NOW
Prepare yourself as if you had to impress a new girl in the near future.
Prepare yourself to have ZERO sex for long periods Months!
In reality less sex is better for you (shes not into you anyhow right now)... its a long term fix. Keep trying but DO NOT SHOW ANY DISAPPOINTMENT at all. Try often and pile up the rejections they are necessary.
Settle in for the long haul and prepare yourself to NOT BE AFRAID TO LOSE YOUR WIFE.
Settle into a sexless baseline... not too high not too low. Do less than when you had a sex life. Its ok to be moody... just control it. YOU ARE NOT HAPPY so settle into that reality.
REALIZE and this is key...IT MUST GET WORSE BEFORE IT GETS BETTER!


You may see only MINOR change at first MAJOR changes occur near the end.
I'll be back later you have enough to get started i will create a step by step guide... Starting with step 1.0 going to 2.0.

2.0= All the sex you and your wife need for life. WIN/WIN
YOU will set the acceptable middle ground and share all your sexual desires of her.
A better version of your marriage. Marriage 2.0.

Excited? I would have loved a plan that worked.
I am more than happy to share my experience with you.
I thank everyone who helped me! My wife thanks you too.

My time < 3 years I made PLENTY of mistakes, you will too. YOu will learn from my mistakes as we go on. I will create a new thread with each step as we go... so settle in and together we will re-calibrate your marrige with me as your guide one who went through hell already for you all. Prepare yourself this will be the absolute hardest thing you ever do.. your wives ARE worth your best effort... You will become a better man and remain a nice guy. For now good luck. Talk to you all down the road as I disclose each step.

The plan is SOLID and each step builds on the last. WE WILL start with a FOUNDATION and build step by step until we reach Marriage 2.0. You will find out if your WIFE is game if she isn't you will be READY to find a new one AND NOT MAKE THE SAME MISTAKES AGAIN.. Either way YOU WILL GET ALL THE SEX YOU NEED in TIME.

Keep in mind its not YOUR OR HER PROBLEM alone... its simply a marital issue that you will bring to a HEAD and a method of correcting BAD BEHAVIORS on each side. YOU will get to tell your wife EXACTLY what you need to AND correct all issues AND open up lines of communication on ANYTHING.

I said I would solve my sexless marriage in reailty I simply corrected our ENTIRE MARRIAGE , doing a complete re-boot and helped guide my wife through it... I did for OUR lives. Its possible. T2.

I could be making this all up...you have to have faith.
 

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Discussion Starter #3 (Edited)
looking forward to your posts. Hope you can sequence them them with the same title just a number change.

Welcome to YOUR journey....I will and I expect all you guys who decide to implement THE PLAN to give me reports after each one. We need to work together to create a whole series of BEST PRACTICES (AS my case is just that... mine alone) so hopefully ALL of us guys have a chance at honoring our marital vows with the woman we chose to spent our lives with who now simply has found faults and can't stand to make love to YOU.... not men...YOU. IN the process correcting ALL BAD BEHAVIORS. A win/win.

Just look for Marriage 2.0
in each title

Now go take on the DAY.... Remember always LOVE your wife no matter what... she needs you she trusted you earn her trust back. Most all of this HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU!
It's her childhood and the years before you that are most of it. Its her father and ex-boyfriends. Remember that IT IS NOT all JUST YOU. You have to be her ROCK.

Good luck.
 

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Discussion Starter #4 (Edited)
Look for the first installment STEP 1 within about a WEEK.... just get started with my do's and don'ts.... I'll further explain details later. Smile you will get a sexual marriage back most likely with YOUR WIFE!

STOP the bleeding today and relax. You have the rest of your life to get it right.

You are not alone... almost 15-20% of marriages sex sucks or is so infrequent you can't function another 30% or more are lacking and causing stress...we will change that together. Just say NO to sexless marriages...its a TEMPORARY state..... a deep valley....lets start the hard climb up. You can do it. I did. GET ready for the toughest time of your life.
 

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this of course only works if she is willing to try as well.because if she wants nothing to do with you there is not much you can do. there are a lot of marriages that can not be saved. and giving people hope that all marriages can be saved is just not true.
 

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Discussion Starter #6 (Edited)
this of course only works if she is willing to try as well.because if she wants nothing to do with you there is not much you can do. there are a lot of marriages that can not be saved. and giving people hope that all marriages can be saved is just not true.
That is true... but you have the inside track. We don't NEED her to try the plan she IS the plan (her mind) of course if shes 100% done yes here is no hope... but why is she still there?. This is a method for YOU to 'try' to recover your marriage. People are here for help and SO FAR there have been NO good guides on what to do in a sexless marriage. So instead of throwing up your hands in the air and not knowing what to do...here I am.

At the very least you learn about women AND yourself. So it doesn't happen again.

How many success stories have you seen? That's right virtually ZERO.... they are rare...this drastically improves you odds of success.

People have FREE CHOICE I am not forcing anyone to do anything...it really is up to ALL OF YOU.... I just have the perspective of what worked in my marriage. I'm trying to remove the FOG of what the hell to do... so that sexless guys can function again.

Lets talk about HOPE... throw it out the window. There is no HOPE only actions that YOU control. You cannot FORCE someone to fall back in love with you...but you can certainly try.
All of you owe your spouse your best efforts... you have to find your own path.

Eventually we will have more results from those who benefited from these steps... then we will see how my 'most any' turns out. You are right I have no evidence yet so perhaps I over estimated.... its a solid plan that's all i know...and it worked once on a very VERY tough customer....my own wife. It is based on some of the best books on women and also based on conversations with others who have successfully navigated or helped others navigate sexless marriages.... I didn't just pull this out of a hat. I took it all in to account, picked the best pieces and forged my own path with items YOU WILL NOT READ IN BOOKS. Why? Because something DIFFERENT needed to be done. I was NOT going to remain sexless with my own wife and I wanted it fixed in the shortest possible time frame with permanent results. DARE TO BE BOLD. This has been my second job for 2 yrs 10 mo. NO hope..just results. My wife is a brand new person, so am I.

T2
 

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I read your other posts about being determined to change your marriage and sex life. I never saw the outcome of your plan of completely ignoring the issue. Now you're coming out with this guide...yet still no talk of how things worked out? What changed in your wife? Are you having sex more regularly now? Did she take ILYBNILWY of the table?

I wont follow this guide if you havent had success.
 

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Discussion Starter #10 (Edited)
I read your other posts about being determined to change your marriage and sex life. I never saw the outcome of your plan of completely ignoring the issue. Now you're coming out with this guide...yet still no talk of how things worked out? What changed in your wife? Are you having sex more regularly now? Did she take ILYBNILWY of the table?

I wont follow this guide if you havent had success.
You choose your own path if you don't want to follow my plan so be it I really don't care.

Look this stuff is GOLD and getting a sex life back THAT YOU APPROVE OF in a sexless marriage is HARD work and takes a while. I am far enough in the process to know with 100% certainty it will work. My wife and I are nearly there. We are at 1.9 on the way to 2.0. I would not release this info until I was certain we are on the path to a sexual marriage we both can live with FOR LIFE.

I guarantee nothing other than guarantees that you will learn about women's minds... and you will simply become a better man....
As to whether YOUR marriage turns around that's 100% up to you.

Sincerely T2
 

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Discussion Starter #12 (Edited)
So, your still sexless?
I will be honest YES..I'm at the end of a ten month stretch. Best thing I'm good... why THE PLAN...How many current sexless guys can say they are OK without sex? I can. You will notice I used to be on TAM all the time searching for answers, I've been gone implementing the answers and now I'm back.

That is part of the plan. Everyone's marriage will have a different period at the end...but that why I told you to prepare for months of sexlessness, there will be many periods of months without sex that is part of the FIX... when my wife and I restart we will be on marriage 2.0 from the get go..got it?

The best part is my wife is already so much better than ever by going though my plan for her...so you get all those benefits too.

Have to have faith that I know what the hell I'm talking about.

I wanted to get the steps out so people can get started. By the time I complete this series my wife and I will be already on 2.0. In fact its immenent possibly a few more weeks at worst. Again faith.

Dare to be bold. Isn't that the way they win football games. Its a process a mind re-engineering and NEVER being ashamed of YOUR drive. In essence you will NOT accept less than your wife WANTING to have sex with you at a frequency YOU select....and with the stuff you want AND she wants. WIN/WIN.
The goal is to NEVER cross this bridge again for LIFE.

I will show you how to do that.

A total 100% complete fix. That is what my marriage WILL BE..others can acheive the very same success..I am 100% confident in that statement.

MY plan is equivalent to very slowly turning up the heat to boil a FROG....so THEY don't suffer.

Fixing a sexless marriage is the HARDEST THING YOU WILL EVER DO.

Short term PAIN for rest of lifetime gain... ARE you all-in because that is what is REQUIRED.
MAX time-frame will be NO MORE THAN THREE YEARS start to finish... look at it like earning a DEGREE. Some marriages will turn earlier about step 1.6. Remember I could be just making all this up...you to have some faith I know what I'm doing.

T2
 

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I remember your posts from last year. January 2012 was your deadline for your wife to have sex with you. The goalpost keeps moving; now it is December 2012? That will make it 3 years? I am very sorry that you find yourself in this position, but I do not understand how you want to help others with a plan that has not yet worked for you.
 

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I guarantee nothing other than guarantees that you will learn about women's minds... and you will simply become a better man....
As to whether YOUR marriage turns around that's 100% up to you.
Wait, YOU are giving other men insight into the mind of a woman? Look, not every sexless marriage is a result of a bad childhood with the woman's father, nor the fact that she had ex-boyfriends who messed with her mind. SOMETIMES (and no, I don't believe this is the majority), women do it out of spite because the husband did something that she didn't like. And, rather than discuss the issue with her husband, she just withholds sex from him. No, I am not saying she is right in doing so. What I am saying is that not all sexless marriages are created equal. Not all sexless marriages are due to a woman with daddy issues.

Look, I don't think anyone should be withholding sex... neither man nor woman (and yes, some men do withhold it). I don't think it's right for ANYONE to have to deal with a sexless marriage. But to say "Hey guys, this is why your marriage is sexless...and this his how you're gonna fix it." is misleading. You can say "Hey, this is what it took for mine to get back on track, so if yours is like mine, give it a shot."

Oh, and you still didn't answer those who asked if your marriage is still sexless or not. Saying it's "getting back on track" is not saying a definitive "yes, we are now having sex again". People will be more receptive if you state, outright, whether you are no longer sexless.

But what do I know? I'm a woman who had checked out of her marriage and withheld for over a month at a time a few times in two years, and withheld for two weeks on a regular basis during that time. It wasn't my husband's actions that did it, but my own. I realized I was being stupid and chose to change my line of thinking...without his influence on the matter. It only works if the wife is willing to do it. Plain and simple. Even if she is still in the house. If she doesn't want to go along with it, she won't.

But that's JMO.
 

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I will be honest YES..I'm at the end of a ten month stretch. Best thing I'm good... why THE PLAN...How many current sexless guys can say they are OK without sex? I can. You will notice I used to be on TAM all the time searching for answers, I've been gone implementing the answers and now I'm back.
Usually, men in sexless marriages are interested in having sex. Not many are simply looking for ways to enjoy the lack of sex.

Remember I could be just making all this up...you to have some faith I know what I'm doing.
Why? Look, I think it's great that you're passionate about your marriage. But that's only half of the equation for helping people. You have to be passionate about an effective strategy. And an effective strategy is one that results in sex.

That's one of the things that resonates about Athol Kay's book. He has sex with his wife almost daily. A man in a sexless marriage will take note of that fact. That's a success story. If you do what he does, you might just get what he's got.

No offense, but your story seems similar to a 500lb man selling diet books. He hasn't lost any weight yet, but wants you to trust that he knows what he's doing. It's much more effective to be able to use the "after" picture along with the "before" picture.

I recommend that you finish your strategy and come back to post these threads when you and your wife are actually having sex. That will resonate with people much more than your confidence, which has proven misplaced in the past.

Good luck.
 

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Discussion Starter #16 (Edited)
Those of you cluttering up this thread are doing it a dis-service.

I asked guys to print stuff out and extra 'noise' eats up paper.... save a freaking tree.

There are many sexless marriages where guys are at a complete and total loss.... I am here to help. I ask respectfully that you don't throw stones just to do that.

I know its a solid plan... most of the time the WIFE did not learn to relate to a man... otherwise the marriage would never ever had gone sexless.

Also, You are right the husband DID THINGS WRONG.... could be a simple as not carrying groceries once, or not dancing with your wife at an event. Could be anything... ALL women have a ROLEDEX with every single slight going back to the day you met her...you Know this to be true.if you are Woman.
Men forgive move on.. Women have to trust again
BIG DIFFERENCE

We will correct this flaw in your wife. Your wife is equally flawed and willing to RISK your marriage by not having enough good satisfying fun sex with you her husband. That's the issue.

So again I ask keep the threads clean and let guys decide if what I have to say will work in their marriages. I am not here to pick any fights and frankly its a waste of my time to respond to those casting stones..I'm here to help those who want a plan that worked using NEW methods.

If you don't like it GO if you do like it stay. I want to help sexless men in sexless marriages.
Quit confusing the thread... I'm sure YOU ALL HAVE A BRAIN to make your own conclusions so use it and make your own path.

AS for he 'frequency' that will be entirely up to you guys... I suggest for best results its not completely one sided and somewhere near the middle of your drives. You want it to seem fair so it lasts for life...possibly getting more towards your end later in life but likely never worse... definitely not sexless.... but balanced with your say in the matter. I'm not going to tell you guys what to do I will give you the framework and the method...rest is up to you.

I do know womens minds as I've interviewed them and read books. DO you as a woman really know a mans mind? Have you interviewed other men? Doubt it!
If you did we wouldn't be having THIS discussion in the first place... you blame the husband but you wives most assuredly had an equal hand in everything. No one is a saint and most any marriage at anytime may go sexless or sucky sex for life. Thus this forum.

This is about men becoming men their wives want and re-engineering your wifes brain.
This isn't a ***** session.
You won't find THE PLAN in books or online only here for TAM.
Its too bold for prime time..but guess what it WORKS in my marriage and possibly many others!

Best of all it lets a sexless guy cope... and get grounded while working THE ISSUE on a DEADLINE. This is not the way a female thinks this is for guys who feel lost.

Best of all your wife will RESPECT you enough to have SEX with you on your terms for life in some cases... It will occur in my life... so this is a case study too.

I make ZERO guarantees this will work for YOU. I do think it will get you to look at sexlessness as a short-term marital Issue and an opportunity that will need to be resolved in time for a better balanced marriage. Instead of a life sentence.
If you are not a guy... zip it this is for guys who are seeking help for a sexless marriage.
Your choice if you follow or care what I say..I'm doing this because TAM helped me immensely. Women we love you but unfortunately you have TOO MUCH POWER over sex AND you over think things. YOU are just as flawed as we are and way more complex. I am simply evening the playing field. To many naysayers and I'm out...not worth my time.

You simply cannot cast stones when I'm living it. I'm simply here to help some guys trapped in sexless marriages with no plan how to change that. I'm sure those guys would like me to stay on topic and not defending out of place ridicule.
Guys interested in this thread start thinking like a man... don't accept unjust criticism. You will teach your wife this simple concept. We lead her. Contrary to typical nice guy thinking..only have to do it once at the right moment. You will take charge of your marriage and correct the dynamic that got you here.. Best of all she has no clue. You will change and remain a better version of you..that is what she needs TO MAKE CERTAIN YOU GET ALL THE SEX YOU NEED THE WAY YOU NEED WITH HER INVOLVED FULLY..its a requirement you change for that to happen in your lives. Nice but better.


T2
 

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Thank you for your effort. I like that you have a plan. I have no plan, save self improvement. I like the confidence you display. I trust that it is working for you. After five years in a completely sexless marriage, I am certainly open to a more comprehensive approach. I believe that Athol Kay's way is probably worth a try, but I don't plan on buying the book. Not that it is not worth it, but just because he scored, it doesn't mean I will. And your plan may be just as valid, but with either, I would have hope that I will score. Hope springs eternal.
 

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Yes, I remember your threads. Sorry. No 3 year plan makes sense, and from what I remeber you weren't successful. Forget this plan of yours. Read Married Man's sex life, No More Mr. Nice Guy and set consequences. Set what your willing to accept and what you won't. If you don't get the respect and attention you need... MOVE ON! This is just sad.
 
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