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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
I removed this post some time back, can't recall why?

I have not had as much time to spend here on TAM, but in trying to catch up, I think it's worth re-posting? I guess I should say that "It's my opinion".

The average woman is much more connected to a sense of energy and flow. She feels things more deeply than men do; she is much more sensitive to subtle changes in energy.

This is why a woman can own 12 different pairs of red shoes. They all feel different to her. Women spend much of their time trying to create the feelings that they want to have, and avoid the feelings that they do not want to have.

The key to being happy and fulfilled as a woman is to create happy flows of energy and then allow herself to fully enjoy them; this is why many women get so excited about holidays.

They are anticipating that there will be lots of positive energy flowing that they will be able to enjoy.

The downside to this is that women sometimes get themselves trapped in flows that they do not enjoy. The car is making a funny noise and they are worried about it. Every time the car makes that noise it puts them back into a worried state, and they do not want to worry. Thus, they hound their husband to get the car fixed so that they will not have to experience that worry any more. This desire to avoid any and all negative feelings is also why many women withdraw from their husbands in marriage. Let’s say that she has shut down to sex with her husband due to past hurts and resentment. When her husband mentions sex, she is reminded of these things. She does not want to feel this way so she avoids him, avoids intimacy, and avoids the subject of sex.

Men are much more connected to ideas and goals. We spend a lot of time analyzing and thinking about things. We are much less affected by feelings and thus we can ignore things like a noise the car is making or how uncomfortable discussions about sex are. We are focused on the goal and we continually work toward it, regardless of what feelings may come up. Of course, there are limits to this. However, I think it is safe to say that men are not ruled by feelings as much as women are.

This is why men can, and should, take on a role of comforter and protector for their wives. When something negative is happening a woman will tend to get caught in that negative flow. She feels it deeply and will have trouble extracting herself from it. She needs her man to stay calm and confident and create a sense of safety and comfort that she can align herself with.

She feels his strength and uses it to bring herself back to a more enjoyable state. She is feeding off of the calm and reassuring energy that he is projecting. He is being the anchor that prevents her from being carried away on the waves of negative energy.

Thus, the gift that a strong masculine, understanding, supportive, loving man brings to the marriage is emotional stability. This allows his wife to be feminine, and fully enjoy riding the waves of energy that come through her husband because she knows that if things start going in a negative direction, she can count on him to be strong. Her man will be there to provide the strong and stable anchor that allows her to feel safe and protected.

To lead does NOT mean that a man needs to always be telling his wife what to do. That would be the equivalent of taking a beautiful bird and putting it in a cage. The more that you try to constrain the feminine, the less brightly it shines. Women need freedom to explore the flows of energy that they enjoy.

Rather, leading means that you provide strength and purpose when and where it is needed. You are always tuned in to what your wife's energy is, and you step in to help her when you sense it going in a negative direction. If the car is worrying her then you get it fixed. If she is depressed then you offer her a hug and remind her that she is loved. If she has shut down to your behaviors, you change (within reason) your undesirable behaviors. You, as her husband, help her move back toward the positive energy that she wants to experience. When she is happy and glowing, you just leave her be. In that moment, she does not need your leadership. She only needs you to appreciate and acknowledge the beauty that she brings to your life.

As a man, and a proper leader, you also ensure that your joint world is structured in a way that ensures things stay stable and positive. A leader has a vision of what is best for himself, his wife, and his family. This vision is his number one drive in life. He strives to create what is good and benefits the happiness of his family. He evaluates this vision daily, he navigates his way through obstacles and focuses on his path. He is unwavering in his goal. He shares his vision with his wife, he asks for feedback, and he listens to his wife's concerns, thoughts, and ideas. He evaluates his vision based on both of their thoughts and makes the best decision in moving forward.

A leader takes responsibility for his failures, and shares with his wife their successes.

A leader is confident in his abilities, he does not bow down to influences from others, he does not quit when he suffers a setback. He learns from his mistakes and he always moves forward.

A leader does not control, he "guides" through his character, his beliefs, his integrity, his high standards, and his sense of honor to himself, his wife, and his family. He is committed.

A woman is equal to a man; a leader will never allow a woman to fear that he does not know the difference between leading and controlling. A leader does not expect a woman to submit to a man’s control, or be led through fear and manipulation.

A leader walks side by side, hand in hand with his wife. If he steps in front of her, it is to protect and defend her. If he steps behind her, it is to support her and keep her from falling.

That is a MAN, a man that most women will be happy to follow.
 

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Some interesting "analysis". Of course there are a lot of generalities there that do not apply to all people or all situations. Still, very well written.

Men are much more connected to ideas and goals. We spend a lot of time analyzing and thinking about things. We are much less affected by feelings and thus we can ignore things like a noise the car is making or how uncomfortable discussions about sex are. We are focused on the goal and we continually work toward it, regardless of what feelings may come up.
I think the trap that men tend to fall into is becoming too focused on a single idea or goal to the detriment of other things or people.

I think the other trap is ignoring your feelings or not really understanding them.

If she has shut down to your behaviors, you change (within reason) your undesirable behaviors
This of course assumes that you know which behaviors have caused her to shutdown. Sounds easy, but it assumes you understand what she is thinking and why.
 

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Poor ladies, how would they ever survive without a man to lead them? I guess all the single ladies will remain stuck without a man to guide them.

How fortunate are all the married ladies who have a man who will generously "consider" their input on his vision for their lives!

Poor ladies, too carried away by emotion to think and do rationally. How would they ever manage to extricate themselves from the negative emotion trap to make an appointment with the car mechanic if they didn't have a man to lead them out of it?

Really? You're selling both men and women short.
 

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YES to ALL this

I want to add something. When my W feels supported and is in a good place - she lights up the entire house. That energy and flow, when it is channeled well - she radiates it back out.

She does this by: Slowly, artfully and magically making the house and yard more beautiful. Filling the house with the sound of her laughter and the light of her smile. Warming the children and me with her love.

So this - support that I provide - does require time, treasure and talent. And yet what is returned is absolutely priceless.....


I removed this post some time back, can't recall why?

I have not had as much time to spend here on TAM, but in trying to catch up, I think it's worth re-posting? I guess I should say that "It's my opinion".

The average woman is much more connected to a sense of energy and flow. She feels things more deeply than men do; she is much more sensitive to subtle changes in energy.

This is why a woman can own 12 different pairs of red shoes. They all feel different to her. Women spend much of their time trying to create the feelings that they want to have, and avoid the feelings that they do not want to have.

The key to being happy and fulfilled as a woman is to create happy flows of energy and then allow herself to fully enjoy them; this is why many women get so excited about holidays.

They are anticipating that there will be lots of positive energy flowing that they will be able to enjoy.

The downside to this is that women sometimes get themselves trapped in flows that they do not enjoy. The car is making a funny noise and they are worried about it. Every time the car makes that noise it puts them back into a worried state, and they do not want to worry. Thus, they hound their husband to get the car fixed so that they will not have to experience that worry any more. This desire to avoid any and all negative feelings is also why many women withdraw from their husbands in marriage. Let’s say that she has shut down to sex with her husband due to past hurts and resentment. When her husband mentions sex, she is reminded of these things. She does not want to feel this way so she avoids him, avoids intimacy, and avoids the subject of sex.

Men are much more connected to ideas and goals. We spend a lot of time analyzing and thinking about things. We are much less affected by feelings and thus we can ignore things like a noise the car is making or how uncomfortable discussions about sex are. We are focused on the goal and we continually work toward it, regardless of what feelings may come up. Of course, there are limits to this. However, I think it is safe to say that men are not ruled by feelings as much as women are.

This is why men can, and should, take on a role of comforter and protector for their wives. When something negative is happening a woman will tend to get caught in that negative flow. She feels it deeply and will have trouble extracting herself from it. She needs her man to stay calm and confident and create a sense of safety and comfort that she can align herself with.

She feels his strength and uses it to bring herself back to a more enjoyable state. She is feeding off of the calm and reassuring energy that he is projecting. He is being the anchor that prevents her from being carried away on the waves of negative energy.

Thus, the gift that a strong masculine, understanding, supportive, loving man brings to the marriage is emotional stability. This allows his wife to be feminine, and fully enjoy riding the waves of energy that come through her husband because she knows that if things start going in a negative direction, she can count on him to be strong. Her man will be there to provide the strong and stable anchor that allows her to feel safe and protected.

To lead does NOT mean that a man needs to always be telling his wife what to do. That would be the equivalent of taking a beautiful bird and putting it in a cage. The more that you try to constrain the feminine, the less brightly it shines. Women need freedom to explore the flows of energy that they enjoy.

Rather, leading means that you provide strength and purpose when and where it is needed. You are always tuned in to what your wife's energy is, and you step in to help her when you sense it going in a negative direction. If the car is worrying her then you get it fixed. If she is depressed then you offer her a hug and remind her that she is loved. If she has shut down to your behaviors, you change (within reason) your undesirable behaviors. You, as her husband, help her move back toward the positive energy that she wants to experience. When she is happy and glowing, you just leave her be. In that moment, she does not need your leadership. She only needs you to appreciate and acknowledge the beauty that she brings to your life.

As a man, and a proper leader, you also ensure that your joint world is structured in a way that ensures things stay stable and positive. A leader has a vision of what is best for himself, his wife, and his family. This vision is his number one drive in life. He strives to create what is good and benefits the happiness of his family. He evaluates this vision daily, he navigates his way through obstacles and focuses on his path. He is unwavering in his goal. He shares his vision with his wife, he asks for feedback, and he listens to his wife's concerns, thoughts, and ideas. He evaluates his vision based on both of their thoughts and makes the best decision in moving forward.

A leader takes responsibility for his failures, and shares with his wife their successes.

A leader is confident in his abilities, he does not bow down to influences from others, he does not quit when he suffers a setback. He learns from his mistakes and he always moves forward.

A leader does not control, he "guides" through his character, his beliefs, his integrity, his high standards, and his sense of honor to himself, his wife, and his family. He is committed.

A woman is equal to a man; a leader will never allow a woman to fear that he does not know the difference between leading and controlling. A leader does not expect a woman to submit to a man’s control, or be led through fear and manipulation.

A leader walks side by side, hand in hand with his wife. If he steps in front of her, it is to protect and defend her. If he steps behind her, it is to support her and keep her from falling.

That is a MAN, a man that most women will be happy to follow.
 

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I remember a similar post from you that I contributed to in the past. I think I was disturbed by this idea that a man must lead because a woman's femininity and emotions leave her vulnerable, hence the need for a leader.

I think a man's need to lead and feel as if he is the provider is ego driven and rooted in insecurity, rather than born out of a necessity for a woman to be happy in a relationship and feel secure.

If you allow a woman to truly shine, you will have confidence that she is capable of leading on her own but enjoy her company and "energy" enough to want to walk side by side with her.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 · (Edited)
Ladies, I understand what your saying. My wife feels and would say the same thing. And I do have a 50/50 relationship.

It does not change the fact (for my wife anyway) that she is far more prone to react to her emotions than I.

Without even knowing it, she turns to my leadership to guide her out of her emotional funks and ups and downs, that her girlfriends, sisters, and even herself cannot!

Not trying to force my opinion, just expressing it.

I value your replies, I'm always willing to learn, but this one I believe to be true. At least at my house.
 

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Ladies, I understand what your saying. My wife feels and would say the same thing. And I do have a 50/50 relationship.

It does not change the fact (for my wife anyway) that she is far more prone to react to her emotions than I.

Without even knowing it, she turns to my leadership to guide her out of her emotional funks and ups and downs, that her girlfriends, sisters, and even herself cannot!

Not trying to force my opinion, just expressing it.

I value your replies, I'm always willing to learn, but this one I believe to be true. At least at my house.
I wonder, RDJ, do you value logic and reasoning over intuition and feelings? Do you think they are equally valuable but lend to different strengths/weaknesses?

I think the later is true as both have their place but we as a society dislike this idea that emotions give way to strength, when in reality, emotions range from everything from hysterics to heroics.
 

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Ladies, I understand what your saying. My wife feels and would say the same thing. And I do have a 50/50 relationship.

It does not change the fact (for my wife anyway) that she is far more prone to react to her emotions than I.

Without even knowing it, she turns to my leadership to guide her out of her emotional funks and ups and downs, that her girlfriends, sisters, and even herself cannot!

Not trying to force my opinion, just expressing it.

I value your replies, I'm always willing to learn, but this one I believe to be true. At least at my house.
I am sure that your support means the most to her and is the most comforting to her, of course it is. Because your lives are entwined and you share a bond unlike any other in your lives. So of course she turns to you when she's troubled most deeply. Just as you would turn to her, right?

That's not the same as the interpretation you have put on her behavior, which sounds paternalistic and patronizing.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
I can only speak from my own experience.

33 years with my wife. Started out being a leader, from a place of love. Had many good years.

I stopped leading from a place of love. After doing this for a few years, she had an EA with a close friend. He gave her leadership and stability. (partially my fault. I did not provide what she needed from me. Not an excuse for her, just the way life can be)

I again learned to lead from a place of love.

I did not say control, my wife is free to do as she wish's, even cheat if thats what she wants. she just looses me in the process.

I provide emotional strength because she lives through emotion. I do not.

In my world, as long as I lead through love and do not abuse it. It works, if I do not, it does not.

I share my thoughts. Agree or not, no worries!

For some, it may help. Those are the ones I take the time to post for.

I do however enjoy reading how things work for the rest of you. :)
 

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Nice thread RDJ, even if it is a little wordy. One of our earlier marriage counselors made fun of "couple's navigation" while he was talking to someone else on the phone. I really didn't get the joke at the time. But after running aground, falling off a cliff and even making a trip through a fiery furnace, I wish I had just done what you say in the first place
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
Allow me to give an example from tonight.

I am writing out a stack of bills while my wife is going through the visa receipts.

She does not want to do it, it's a big job. So she is allowing herself to get all pissy and makes a comment with every little purchase that she does not like.

The purchase is not the issue, the issue is that she does not want to do it. Now I can say nothing, or I can get pissy back with her.

We all know where that is going to lead.

I say to her "Now you can sit there and get all pissy and ruin the night for both of us. Or you can just get the job done as I am. When we are finished, we can enjoy the rest of the night. Your choice?"

Had I not done this she would have just esculated. If I said nothing, I allow her to think it's ok for her to act this way. It is not. I do not treat her in this manner. It is not conducive to a mutually happy marriage.

She chose to quit being pissy and finish the jobs we were doing. We will now enjoy the rest of our night togather.

In my opinion, that is necessary "male leadership".

She may not like it, but it is whats best for OUR marriage.

Thoughts????
 

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In my opinion, that is necessary "male leadership".

She may not like it, but it is whats best for OUR marriage.

Thoughts????
My thoughts are that this is less male leadership and more your wife sh** testing you. Those of us females who have been alone a while (even when I was married my husband was gone 5 days out of 7) just don't have the luxury of allowing our emotions to rule in the way you describe. I'd never get a blessed thing done. I think that maybe living on emotion may be something women do when they have the luxury of a man to bounce it off of. Not having had that luxury, I can't fathom it. I do what needs to be done and move onto the next thing.

If you hadn't been there at all, the receipts would have been sorted with a lot less drama. Her little show was for your benefit, and she got the Alpha display she wanted out of you.
 
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