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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Ok so a little background I have been with my husband for 10 years and he is the love of my life. He is the most loving and caring man I have ever met! A little over a year ago we almost separated when I found out he was lying about talking to a female "friend". We went to therapy and he really did understand all of the hurt and pain he caused me with the emotional affair and the lies. It can be a hard road trying to rebuild trust but I have really felt like we came so far! Just the other day we had been having a small argument about not going out and doing much as a couple much these days with our busy schedules. Then I noticed when I looked at his cellphone that he had called a girl he works with that is much younger when he was on his way home... I happened to try calling and he ignored my call. Then I found out the following day he was texting with her but deleted the messages which was a huge huge huge red flag! I confronted him and he was so apologetic and really understood how it looked but he swears that he had just needed to vent and that the girl he works with was going thru relationship issues herself. I explained how boundaries are crossed and that he has the potential to be misleading her without even knowing it (especially if she is not in a good relationship) I asked details of what was said and he explained venting about me and a few of his frustrations but he said he really didnt bad mouth me and then I asked what her advice was... he said she told him he should leave me and that he should be able to do what he wants when he wants (again she is young with no children) I was boiling!!!!!!! I explained that if you surround yourself with people who are trying to destroy us there is no reason to try... he really understood what I meant and was very sincere.
My question is OBVIOUSLY boundaries need to be explained to this girl but how would you suggest doing this? He needs to do it asap because I cant have another day of him at work and my mind going crazy! Please help :)
 

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Get her number from your husband and give her a call. Tell her your husband is incapable of maintaining proper marital boundaries, so it's up to her. Let her know that you don't want him talking to her about your marital problems, so if he starts, she should just change the subject or excuse herself. Tell her you tried to get your husband to stop having inappropriate conversations with younger women, but he just won't listen to you. Ask her if she can talk some sense into him.
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Ok so a little background I have been with my husband for 10 years and he is the love of my life. He is the most loving and caring man I have ever met! A little over a year ago we almost separated when I found out he was lying about talking to a female "friend". We went to therapy and he really did understand all of the hurt and pain he caused me with the emotional affair and the lies. It can be a hard road trying to rebuild trust but I have really felt like we came so far! Just the other day we had been having a small argument about not going out and doing much as a couple much these days with our busy schedules. Then I noticed when I looked at his cellphone that he had called a girl he works with that is much younger when he was on his way home... I happened to try calling and he ignored my call. Then I found out the following day he was texting with her but deleted the messages which was a huge huge huge red flag! I confronted him and he was so apologetic and really understood how it looked but he swears that he had just needed to vent and that the girl he works with was going thru relationship issues herself. I explained how boundaries are crossed and that he has the potential to be misleading her without even knowing it (especially if she is not in a good relationship) I asked details of what was said and he explained venting about me and a few of his frustrations but he said he really didnt bad mouth me and then I asked what her advice was... he said she told him he should leave me and that he should be able to do what he wants when he wants (again she is young with no children) I was boiling!!!!!!! I explained that if you surround yourself with people who are trying to destroy us there is no reason to try... he really understood what I meant and was very sincere.
My question is OBVIOUSLY boundaries need to be explained to this girl but how would you suggest doing this? He needs to do it asap because I cant have another day of him at work and my mind going crazy! Please help :)
If it's a co-worker he probably needs to find a new situation as far as employment goes. She works with him, appears to want him and, if he's resisted so far, she might be making it a point of personal pride to get him now. Not that she'd keep in the long, or probably even immediate, term. And while that's happening he needs to totally eschew any contact. If they're not in the same building or office, and she isn't directly involved in any of his work, he has to avoid her like the plague.
 

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How will contacting the OW stop her husband from crossing boundaries?

OP - Obviously he doesn't understand the hurt and pain he caused when only a year later, he is back at crossing the inappropriate line with opposite sex co workers again!

Can you get him to read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass?
 

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The boundary problem is with your husband. HE needs to keep up HIS boundaries. His colleague isn't responsible for maintaining your husband's boundaries for him. He needs to be a big boy and do that himself. Should she have said what she said? No. But telling this woman off and giving her a piece of your mind is not going to fix the real problem which is that your husband shouldn't be asking female friends and female colleagues for marital advice. He shouldn't be
venting to them about you. If he had that boundary, this woman wouldn't even have known anything about your marital problems. Start improving your husband's personal boundaries by having him read the book the previous poster mentioned- Not Just Friends written by Dr. Shirley Glass. He needs to never talk about his issues with you with another woman. Doing that opens up the door for all kinds of bad things to happen. Don't give some opposite sex colleague a window into the marriage.
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Oh the book "Not Just Friends" is also available as a Kindle edition so can be purchased and downloaded right away to start reading ;)
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
I agree that he needs to be the one to handle things with his coworker... Unfortunately he can't just quit his job because of financial responsibilities but he has already said he will start looking.... I just do not want issues while he is still working there and seeking other employment. I don't feel like me talking to her would do any good at all... She obviously doesn't respect our relationship or she would not have said the things she did. All it will do is fuel her fire and he would probably hear how controlling and jealous his wife is and how he has even more reason to leave. So definitely don't wanna go down that road! How do you suggest he explains things to her in a professional but clear manner so that it doesn't blow up and the time he is still at work is miserable? I honestly fear her not being mature enough to respect his wishes and just be vindictive towards him at the job.
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Get her number from your husband and give her a call. Tell her your husband is incapable of maintaining proper marital boundaries, so it's up to her. Let her know that you don't want him talking to her about your marital problems, so if he starts, she should just change the subject or excuse herself. Tell her you tried to get your husband to stop having inappropriate conversations with younger women, but he just won't listen to you. Ask her if she can talk some sense into him.
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Ask her to talk to him..I don't think so...she will probably just laugh when she hangs up..as well you do not know what ulterior motives that she has toward her H.

No, the issue is between the OP and her H.
 

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This smells like TT. If you can you should install spyware on his phone. Admitting to venting about you makes me wonder what he's not admitting.
 

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I agree that he needs to be the one to handle things with his coworker... Unfortunately he can't just quit his job because of financial responsibilities but he has already said he will start looking.... I just do not want issues while he is still working there and seeking other employment. I don't feel like me talking to her would do any good at all... She obviously doesn't respect our relationship or she would not have said the things she did. All it will do is fuel her fire and he would probably hear how controlling and jealous his wife is and how he has even more reason to leave. So definitely don't wanna go down that road! How do you suggest he explains things to her in a professional but clear manner so that it doesn't blow up and the time he is still at work is miserable? I honestly fear her not being mature enough to respect his wishes and just be vindictive towards him at the job.
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He should talk to her ONLY about work matters. If she brings up his personal life or asks questions about how things are at home with the marriage because she hasn't heard him talking about those things in a while, HE needs to shut her down politely. "That's my personal business and I'm not going to talk about those things at work anymore. I shouldn't have vented to you before..Now if you'll excuse me..I have to (insert some excuse to get away from the conversation)." He needs to be a broken record and repeat that until she gets it. He should be polite, professional and do his job because jeopardizing his own job in this economy isn't smart, but otherwise he should avoid all personal communication (jokes, banter, nonwork related texts and emails) with her. She'll get the message soon enough IF HE is consistent every time it happens.
 

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how do you suggest he explains things to her in a professional but clear manner so that it doesn't blow up and the time he is still at work is miserable? I honestly fear her not being mature enough to respect his wishes and just be vindictive towards him at the job.
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get the book.
 

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I agree that he needs to be the one to handle things with his coworker... Unfortunately he can't just quit his job because of financial responsibilities but he has already said he will start looking.... I just do not want issues while he is still working there and seeking other employment. I don't feel like me talking to her would do any good at all... She obviously doesn't respect our relationship or she would not have said the things she did. All it will do is fuel her fire and he would probably hear how controlling and jealous his wife is and how he has even more reason to leave. So definitely don't wanna go down that road! How do you suggest he explains things to her in a professional but clear manner so that it doesn't blow up and the time he is still at work is miserable? I honestly fear her not being mature enough to respect his wishes and just be vindictive towards him at the job.
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You hit that one right on the head. And don't worry, you don't even have to talk to her for her to think you are a jealous, overprotective, over reactive wife.

My ex told the OW he was starting an EA with I was being crazy and jealous and "had my eye on her" the day after I calmly talked to him about how I felt their relationship was inappropriate. Instead of ending things with her, he went to her and 'warned' about me!!!

This occurred 5 years after initial infidelity with a completely different co worker.

So like I say, he has done it once and now not even a year later is doing it again? Are you sure it even stopped a year ago? He could have just taken it more underground.

I agree with Ovid - get some spyare on his phone/computer and a VAR in his car. You have no idea if he is telling the truth or not to you since he is already a liar and works with her.
 

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Sorry, sounds serial. Tell him to get sex addiction counseling or get out! Then start the 180. He knows what he did the last time how much he hurt you and got counseling with you...Sounds like a charade. He goes and does the same thing again. What has he shown? The workplace is his pick-up joint, he's seeking advice about you from young, easy ding-bats to gain their sympathy for them to tell him what he wants to hear and be open to providing him with sexual healing. He has zero respect for you and he won't until you make him. Download divorce papers, put his name in the petitioner line and mark 'x's where his signature should go. I would go to the workplace soon and unexpectedly and directly confront her infront of all so she doesn't make a scene but do not whisper either, and in a composed manner say: "I understand you are inappropriately involved in my marriage. Ask: #1. Did you tell my husband to leave me and do what he wants when he wants? 2. Does doing what he wants when he wants include you?" After she answers walk over to him, drop the divorce papers on his desk and tell him that since he needs to do what he wants to do when he wants to do it rather than honor his marriage vows, you highly recommend that he signs on the dotted lines and btw, you want back every dime spent on counseling, you need new Gucci shades. Then leave there and continue the 180. I wouldn't say a darn thing more to him. All was said already in the last therapy session.
 

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Ok so a little background I have been with my husband for 10 years and he is the love of my life. He is the most loving and caring man I have ever met! A little over a year ago we almost separated when I found out he was lying about talking to a female "friend". We went to therapy and he really did understand all of the hurt and pain he caused me with the emotional affair and the lies. It can be a hard road trying to rebuild trust but I have really felt like we came so far! Just the other day we had been having a small argument about not going out and doing much as a couple much these days with our busy schedules. Then I noticed when I looked at his cellphone that he had called a girl he works with that is much younger when he was on his way home... I happened to try calling and he ignored my call. Then I found out the following day he was texting with her but deleted the messages which was a huge huge huge red flag! I confronted him and he was so apologetic and really understood how it looked but he swears that he had just needed to vent and that the girl he works with was going thru relationship issues herself. I explained how boundaries are crossed and that he has the potential to be misleading her without even knowing it (especially if she is not in a good relationship) I asked details of what was said and he explained venting about me and a few of his frustrations but he said he really didnt bad mouth me and then I asked what her advice was... he said she told him he should leave me and that he should be able to do what he wants when he wants (again she is young with no children) I was boiling!!!!!!! I explained that if you surround yourself with people who are trying to destroy us there is no reason to try... he really understood what I meant and was very sincere.
My question is OBVIOUSLY boundaries need to be explained to this girl but how would you suggest doing this? He needs to do it asap because I cant have another day of him at work and my mind going crazy! Please help :)
You know, any one of us can come up with a list, that, if relayed to a third person right, will get us the advice "leave her/him"

Remember it's what he said that made her tell him to leave. It's also how he said it.

You both need to go to MC but mostly for him and this passive aggressive acting out he's doing. Tell him he's whining and b!tching like a little woman to his coworker who's younger and can't possibly have valid advice. An older woman who's been through some life ..maybe but this woman...not.
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
I got the book on my nook yesterday and OMG I couldn't put it down! Thank you for telling me about it!
So here is my update from last night... He came home from work and without me asking a thing he said:
She asked how my night was and I took that as my oppurtunity to set boundaries. He said work is work and home is home so I really dont want to discuss my home life. When you vented about a guy in your life I slipped and vented about a frustration I had with my wife. I failed to tell you all of the amazing things about her and that she has done - and how amazing my children and family time is. She gave him the what the heck look and he said i am sure once you are married and have a little more life experience you will understand. Then she said so basically your wife is pissed and telling you who you can be friends with? He said no I am the one saying this and putting my wife and family first - Plus friends I confide in are friends that help my marriage not encourage throwing it away without even knowing my wife.
I think he made a step in the right direction
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That is a step in the right direction..however do not let your guard down. I would still watch/monitor, etc. I remember after DD#1 H told me that his OW when she found out that he was not separated but still married that that she sent him some nasty email telling him basically to **** off.....I believed it only to discover 6 months later that they had kept contact the whole time.

This chick sounds like a fricken idiot to begin with..someone that has no respect for boundaries....just like my H's OW.
 
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