Its natural to have feelings and a compulsion to stray, but what you do with those feelings is what will define the future of your marriage. I know its easy to say, but you need to communicate with your husband and find a way to accommodate your concerns. Counseling has done wonders for my wife and I.
Making the right choice
Hi
It's the first time I have been to any forum but I'm feeling the need for some advice about what I am going through and feel that I cant talk to any family of friends about this.
Been married for 8 years, together for 15 years, we have two kids in primary school.
I work 4 days a week and study externally at university, and hubby has been on work cover for around 6-7 years.
Over the years I have gone on at him about doing more around house etc, I understand he has an injury but I work, study and do most of the kid stuff, and I'm exhausted, which I have told him how I feel several times and asked for more help. He does for the first week but after one week he's back to the same again.
We have relationship, communication, passion, romance, we dont go out, no life at all reallyand I feel like I have growen away from him. I dont want sex with him ( although he trys ).
A few months ago I met a man at a party and you know how the saying goes 'we connected' . I gave him my number (probably a bad move) and he rang me a few weeks later.
We have met up twice but only talked, he is in an open marraige as well.
I know there will be no future with this man, but it has made me think about my marraige and I dont think I love my husband anymore.
I'm feeling confused, guilty, lonely and empty ( and probably many other emotions )
Pleases offer some advice
Thanks Lucy
It's the first time I have been to any forum but I'm feeling the need for some advice about what I am going through and feel that I cant talk to any family of friends about this.
Been married for 8 years, together for 15 years, we have two kids in primary school.
I work 4 days a week and study externally at university, and hubby has been on work cover for around 6-7 years.
Over the years I have gone on at him about doing more around house etc, I understand he has an injury but I work, study and do most of the kid stuff, and I'm exhausted, which I have told him how I feel several times and asked for more help. He does for the first week but after one week he's back to the same again.
We have relationship, communication, passion, romance, we dont go out, no life at all reallyand I feel like I have growen away from him. I dont want sex with him ( although he trys ).
A few months ago I met a man at a party and you know how the saying goes 'we connected' . I gave him my number (probably a bad move) and he rang me a few weeks later.
We have met up twice but only talked, he is in an open marraige as well.
I know there will be no future with this man, but it has made me think about my marraige and I dont think I love my husband anymore.
I'm feeling confused, guilty, lonely and empty ( and probably many other emotions )
Pleases offer some advice
Thanks Lucy
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Drop all contact with the man from the party; he will just muddy the water. This isn't about HIM, you've acknowledged that; you had problems PRIOR to him. SORT those problems out FIRST THING.
Tell your H in a polite way (no attacking) that you are EXTREMELY UNHAPPY in your marriage. Tell him you want him to attend MC with you if he expects the two of you to improve your marrige/communication at all. If he goes, GREAT! If he refuses, then GO TO INDIVIDUAL COUNSELING alone.
Learn to set goals, learn to improve your communication, learn what expectations are reasonable and what are NOT. THEN you will be able to KNOW IN YOUR HEART whether your marriage is salvageable or not. If it is, get busy on it and INSIST THAT HE COMES to MC or you will NOT continue in the marriage the way it is. If your marriage is NOT salvageable, then pull the plug.
No hasty decisions now, get counseling of some type.
No muddying issues with other people (especially potential sex partners with NO FUTURE).
Tell your H in a polite way (no attacking) that you are EXTREMELY UNHAPPY in your marriage. Tell him you want him to attend MC with you if he expects the two of you to improve your marrige/communication at all. If he goes, GREAT! If he refuses, then GO TO INDIVIDUAL COUNSELING alone.
Learn to set goals, learn to improve your communication, learn what expectations are reasonable and what are NOT. THEN you will be able to KNOW IN YOUR HEART whether your marriage is salvageable or not. If it is, get busy on it and INSIST THAT HE COMES to MC or you will NOT continue in the marriage the way it is. If your marriage is NOT salvageable, then pull the plug.
No hasty decisions now, get counseling of some type.
No muddying issues with other people (especially potential sex partners with NO FUTURE).
Been married for 8 years, together for 15 years, we have two kids in primary school.
First of all you need to keep this in mind whenever you contact the OM. It will help you put things in perspective.
We have relationship, communication, passion, romance, we dont go out, no life at all reallyand I feel like I have growen away from him. I dont want sex with him ( although he trys ).
This could be because of lack of time to take interest in your marriage. You may have stretched your time to thin. Working almost full time and going to college leaves little time for the husband and kids.
As to the cleaning did you discuss this before continuing your studies? Do your kids have chores? Is work cover the same as disability?
A few months ago I met a man at a party and you know how the saying goes 'we connected' .
No you did not connect.....you had a physical reation to his close proximity. In other words he showed you a little attention and you got the butterflys. There is not a connection involved in this. Please do not fool yourself.
I gave him my number (probably a bad move) and he rang me a few weeks later.
NEVER do this. You are MARRIED and not single.
We have met up twice but only talked, he is in an open marraige as well.
This statement really irks me!!! One simple question...does your husband know that you have an open marriage or is this a way of saying you are cheating. Also, have you spoke with his wife to know if his marriage is truly open? Does she participate? Is she aware of you?
I know there will be no future with this man, but it has made me think about my marraige and I dont think I love my husband anymore.
Then you divorce, you DO NOT start talking/interacting with other men.
I'm feeling confused, guilty, lonely and empty ( and probably many other emotions )
These emotions tell you that you are doing something wrong. They are telling you that you have very poor boundaries. Stop you behavior and turn towards your husband. If you can state your issues with the marriage and he is unable to work on them, then get a divorce. But stop trying to be a single woman when you clearly are not.
Pleases offer some advice
Thanks Lucy
First of all you need to keep this in mind whenever you contact the OM. It will help you put things in perspective.
We have relationship, communication, passion, romance, we dont go out, no life at all reallyand I feel like I have growen away from him. I dont want sex with him ( although he trys ).
This could be because of lack of time to take interest in your marriage. You may have stretched your time to thin. Working almost full time and going to college leaves little time for the husband and kids.
As to the cleaning did you discuss this before continuing your studies? Do your kids have chores? Is work cover the same as disability?
A few months ago I met a man at a party and you know how the saying goes 'we connected' .
No you did not connect.....you had a physical reation to his close proximity. In other words he showed you a little attention and you got the butterflys. There is not a connection involved in this. Please do not fool yourself.
I gave him my number (probably a bad move) and he rang me a few weeks later.
NEVER do this. You are MARRIED and not single.
We have met up twice but only talked, he is in an open marraige as well.
This statement really irks me!!! One simple question...does your husband know that you have an open marriage or is this a way of saying you are cheating. Also, have you spoke with his wife to know if his marriage is truly open? Does she participate? Is she aware of you?
I know there will be no future with this man, but it has made me think about my marraige and I dont think I love my husband anymore.
Then you divorce, you DO NOT start talking/interacting with other men.
I'm feeling confused, guilty, lonely and empty ( and probably many other emotions )
These emotions tell you that you are doing something wrong. They are telling you that you have very poor boundaries. Stop you behavior and turn towards your husband. If you can state your issues with the marriage and he is unable to work on them, then get a divorce. But stop trying to be a single woman when you clearly are not.
Pleases offer some advice
Thanks Lucy
What is work cover & what kind of physical injury does your husband have?Hi
It's the first time I have been to any forum but I'm feeling the need for some advice about what I am going through and feel that I cant talk to any family of friends about this.
Been married for 8 years, together for 15 years, we have two kids in primary school.
I work 4 days a week and study externally at university, and hubby has been on work cover for around 6-7 years.
Over the years I have gone on at him about doing more around house etc, I understand he has an injury but I work, study and do most of the kid stuff, and I'm exhausted, which I have told him how I feel several times and asked for more help. He does for the first week but after one week he's back to the same again.
We have relationship, communication, passion, romance, we dont go out, no life at all reallyand I feel like I have growen away from him. I dont want sex with him ( although he trys ).
A few months ago I met a man at a party and you know how the saying goes 'we connected' . I gave him my number (probably a bad move) and he rang me a few weeks later.
We have met up twice but only talked, he is in an open marraige as well.
I know there will be no future with this man, but it has made me think about my marraige and I dont think I love my husband anymore.
I'm feeling confused, guilty, lonely and empty ( and probably many other emotions )
Pleases offer some advice
Thanks Lucy
You also have not mentioned what your husband does do in regards to taking care of the children, chores, etc.
You also have taken on a very full load - work, school, raising 2 children, household yet you expect your husband do step up to accomodate your full schedule...& I'm not saying he should or shouldn't........you can also postpone school if your schedule is too full right now.
The married man is just grooming you for sex not romance. He's probably lying about being in an open marriage. Hopefully you will not have an affair with him.
Wow honey, Realize that it is the emotional distance from you hubby that has caused you to seek connection with another man.
You need to break the ties. Tell him you are NOT in an open marriage, even if he is. & Tell him you are going to talk to you husband about it.
(that will stop him from reaching out to you, because he "probably" is NOT in an open marriage.)
Then you need to talk with hubby. Sit down & tell him the things you told us. That each time you ask for help, he's kkicks in, but only for about a week.. Then it's all responsibility on you again. Then tell him about the emotional distance and what it means to feel needed & wanted. Show him this thread & admit that it was YOU that initiated the continuing contact with this other man.
Tell him you did not go "seeking" to cheat. But you fear it is going to that level. You realize that it is wrong and you want to stop. Tell him you want to connect closer to him (hubby) again. Even if its date nights "in" (if you don't have resources to go out on a weekly date night). Still, set aside time TOGETHER... a snuggle movie time & tell kids no interruptions. Bubble bath (toghter) night the next week.. .. Baking cookies together the next week... Puzzle night another week... etc. Each week, make sure you are communicating your feelings to HIM (not to another man) about the need to feel appreciated. He might say, "But I DO appreciate you!". Tell him its the need to "FEEL" appreciated.
You need to break the ties. Tell him you are NOT in an open marriage, even if he is. & Tell him you are going to talk to you husband about it.
(that will stop him from reaching out to you, because he "probably" is NOT in an open marriage.)
Then you need to talk with hubby. Sit down & tell him the things you told us. That each time you ask for help, he's kkicks in, but only for about a week.. Then it's all responsibility on you again. Then tell him about the emotional distance and what it means to feel needed & wanted. Show him this thread & admit that it was YOU that initiated the continuing contact with this other man.
Tell him you did not go "seeking" to cheat. But you fear it is going to that level. You realize that it is wrong and you want to stop. Tell him you want to connect closer to him (hubby) again. Even if its date nights "in" (if you don't have resources to go out on a weekly date night). Still, set aside time TOGETHER... a snuggle movie time & tell kids no interruptions. Bubble bath (toghter) night the next week.. .. Baking cookies together the next week... Puzzle night another week... etc. Each week, make sure you are communicating your feelings to HIM (not to another man) about the need to feel appreciated. He might say, "But I DO appreciate you!". Tell him its the need to "FEEL" appreciated.
Hi
Thank you for your comments, they all have me thinking............
When I married my husband I knew he was an 'introvert' and wasnt much of the social kind. I have spent the majority of our marriage initiating conversations and I just dont seem to care lately about talking.
We have never really had time together, kids get looked after once a year and thats about it. So I know lack of time together has taken it's toll.
I went back to work after 2nd child was 6 months old because of financial problems. Then decided to study at uni for a higher qualification and wage. As he had loss of wage due to being on work place injury i had to make the choice to study, because he had and continues to have no admiration to get back to work.
As for the husband on work cover - that is he had a workplace injury (back injury) and has basically sat at home for the past 7 years doing ****** all.
Ok he does do washing every other day and maybe packs the dishwasher once a week if that and deals with all the finances.
I guess with me working and studying I feel he is the 'house husband' and should mantain the house while I am at work and kids are at achool for the day. I understand he has a back injury but it's not like he is disabled a cant walk.
We share kids homework and equally spend time with kids on weekends.
I know i neglect my husband in the sex department, but fell he neglects me in other ways - passion, communication, romance, togetherness, being friends. We used to say I love you to each other everynight, but for the past year or so he sometimes says it after sex, so I dont bother saying it anymore. We dont even really kiss anymore, maybe a peck before bed but half the time our lips hardly connect so it doesnt mean anything it seems pointless.
I feel bad but I dont feel attracted to him anymore and these days we are beginning to sit in other rooms so we dont have to look at each other.
I know I need to say something but I'm a little frustrated and defient at the moment and think why should I initiate our marraige problems, clearly he knows something is wrong.
Cheers for listening
Thank you for your comments, they all have me thinking............
When I married my husband I knew he was an 'introvert' and wasnt much of the social kind. I have spent the majority of our marriage initiating conversations and I just dont seem to care lately about talking.
We have never really had time together, kids get looked after once a year and thats about it. So I know lack of time together has taken it's toll.
I went back to work after 2nd child was 6 months old because of financial problems. Then decided to study at uni for a higher qualification and wage. As he had loss of wage due to being on work place injury i had to make the choice to study, because he had and continues to have no admiration to get back to work.
As for the husband on work cover - that is he had a workplace injury (back injury) and has basically sat at home for the past 7 years doing ****** all.
Ok he does do washing every other day and maybe packs the dishwasher once a week if that and deals with all the finances.
I guess with me working and studying I feel he is the 'house husband' and should mantain the house while I am at work and kids are at achool for the day. I understand he has a back injury but it's not like he is disabled a cant walk.
We share kids homework and equally spend time with kids on weekends.
I know i neglect my husband in the sex department, but fell he neglects me in other ways - passion, communication, romance, togetherness, being friends. We used to say I love you to each other everynight, but for the past year or so he sometimes says it after sex, so I dont bother saying it anymore. We dont even really kiss anymore, maybe a peck before bed but half the time our lips hardly connect so it doesnt mean anything it seems pointless.
I feel bad but I dont feel attracted to him anymore and these days we are beginning to sit in other rooms so we dont have to look at each other.
I know I need to say something but I'm a little frustrated and defient at the moment and think why should I initiate our marraige problems, clearly he knows something is wrong.
Cheers for listening
Not true.I know I need to say something but I'm a little frustrated and defient at the moment and think why should I initiate our marraige problems, clearly he knows something is wrong.
It is not "clear" that he knows something is wrong. He may think that you are just ticked/angry/"on your period"/had a bad day.... etc etc.. and don't want to be in the same room as him right now.
He may think that everything is fine, that you are just going thru a "'spell".
Some men are clueless.
If you don't initiate to talk about the marriage problems.. well, then you probably don't want to. But if you want to save the marriage (which, sorry, but doesn't seem like you are interested in saving it right now.).. If you want to save the marriage, You've "GOT" to initiate talking about the problems.
Otherwise, I feel you need to be honest and fair to him, and split with him before you pursue this other man that is clearly open to cheating on HIS wife.
He's in 'an open marriage as well'???
You didn't give the impression that you were...?
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You didn't give the impression that you were...?
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