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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
I suspect my husband has narcissistic traits. He makes me absolutely crazy. This is my first post so here is our history. First I cheated on him 5 years ago with 2 different men within a couple weeks of each other, each one night stand kind of things and haven't seen either one of them since. We have been working on getting over that. It has not been easy and I am sure I have made a lot of mistakes. I tried to lie my way out of it for 3 years, telling him bit by bit by bit.

Fast forward to a few months ago. In my quest of investigating myself and trying to come to conclusions about why I did what I did, I questioned religion. I have now become an atheist. This is a huge blow to him. He is having a hard time dealing with it as he is pretty religious, as I was. Although he was questioning things too but since I out and out told him I don't believe anymore, he has gone back to being extra religious and I am not allowed to speak of his God at all.

Now onto the things that make me wonder. It seems that almost every fight we have starts with whatever is bothering him but ends up being about my affairs and how messed up I am, how selfish I am, and how many people that I have hurt and I don't even care. If I try to have a conversation about anything about his personality that bother me I am accused of twisting things and trying to make him feel guilty when it is me who messed up our marriage. I try to tell him that I don't feel like my opinions are valued and he always has to have things his way.

Our daughter unfriended him on facebook because she posted a picture he didn't like of her - too sexy (she is a 25) He wouldn't stop posting about how much it hurts him and embarrasses him to see that.

So, I know this isn't much information but how do I deal with this? I really do love him and want to stay with him. He just makes me crazy. I know some of you will suggest counseling but I really have absolutely no money for that. Can barely pay the bills every month. Speaking of counseling, I have been suggesting counseling and trying to figure out how to afford it and he is adamantly against it. Says they are quacks and just tell you what you want to hear. Well in a recent fight he said "you realy need to get help, I am really worried about you and your defensiveness and your problems." He meant counseling. I said something like "are you suggesting a psychiatrist - you who hates them and made me feel guilty for wanting one." He says "oh sure, I try to help you and you put me down, typical."

I am at my whits end. Of course the next day after the fight he writes me a little note and tells me how much he loves me and how sorry he is and how lets never fight again.

Oh, and one more thing, most of the time when he has a criticism, he kind of laughs when he says it, then if you call him on it and respond, he says "geez, it's just a joke, lighten up."

But, when I ask questions like this I feel guilty for making it seem like I think all the problems are his. Like I'm trying to deflect blame for my affairs onto him. I hope that is not what I am doing. I really do try to do self reflection and work on being a better person.

HELP
 

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I'm going to have to say... I'm in agreement with him that you're not really addressing the mistakes you've made in your marriage. I'm going out on a limb here, but I think your husband is very hurt and damaged by your actions, and every time he wants to talk about it, you deflect and bring up what you have a problem with when it comes to him. IMO that's not right. IMO you're not listening to him or respect the fact that you have hurt him on a deeper level.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Thank you for the honest reply. When you are in the thick of it it is hard to see. I have always had a very very hard time expressing emotion, I will work harder on that.
 

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It seems that almost every fight we have starts with whatever is bothering him but ends up being about my affairs and how messed up I am, how selfish I am, and how many people that I have hurt and I don't even care. If I try to have a conversation about anything about his personality that bother me I am accused of twisting things and trying to make him feel guilty when it is me who messed up our marriage. I try to tell him that I don't feel like my opinions are valued and he always has to have things his way.
The virtue of forgiveness could do your husband some good and your taking action in some material fashion to square up for the pain you caused would do even more.
 
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