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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
I had to call him to ask for formula...then I had to call him back to remind him the baby and I will be gone all week.

He said okay...then all of the sudden we started talking. I don't remember who began. But we talked. Really talked. With honesty and laughing and I don't even know.

Major points:

-He told me he was a bad person and I was too nice to him.

-He didn't know what he wanted to do with his life.

-He was interested in a girl...wanted to hang out with her to get to know her, but she wasn't interested.
-Then he told me to forget that he told me that he regrets that he told me that. (I was glad he was being honest even though it did hurt)

-He feels like everything he does is a waste. (What that means, only he knows)

-He tried to tell me he couldn't make the time to file, but then asked him if he did have time, would he have filed...he couldn't answer me.

-I asked him if he loved me, and he couldn't give me an answer.

-He did tell me he was lonely, and he wants to go out and have friends...and he also told me he didn't want to give me an outright answer because he didn't want to be in the situation that he would go back on it.

-He loves his daughter. He doesn't want her to grow up and not want to be with him or not know him.

-He repeatedly says he doesn't know anything.




wtf. :banghead:

I was so mad earlier and now my heart aches and I feel like an idiot.


Please someone decipher this and then shoot me.
 

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Discussion Starter #2
I even slept on it and I still feel like a fool.
 

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Dont feel like a fool. Keep doing what you are doing. Do not pursue him. He is opening communication with you. If you want a reconciliation that is a good first step. He needs to repent the bad things he has done. He is getting there. I would allow open lines of communication between you, but I would not initiate them for now.

remember, talk is cheap right now. Do not hang on to his words. Observe his actions. 50,000 feet.
 

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I even slept on it and I still feel like a fool.
I feel the same hon because I'm in the same situation as you.

Completely understand what you feel and think and this is --- WHY they do this ? I don't want you but I don't want you to leave !
I don't love you but wanna go out with you ! .... that is the part I most hate !

Stay strong !
 

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You're not alone. NOTHING that happens to you in your situation, is unique, in almost 99.99999% of all situations out there.

This one, is too common. Let met go and read it again while I'm typing this.

-He told me he was a bad person and I was too nice to him."

Well, my wife said this to me many times. BUT, it was it was while we were ok. Whenever I asked her if I was doing better, or how we were doing together, she'd always reassure me with the "Ohh we're great, you're so much better now, I love you *kiss*" She'd sometimes tell me "Why do you love me? I've been so bad to you, why are you even with me?" I don't know why she said / asked these things. But I felt it was her admitting to things that bothered her and getting assurance that it's not bothering me? Maybe?

"-He was interested in a girl...wanted to hang out with her to get to know her, but she wasn't interested.
-Then he told me to forget that he told me that he regrets that he told me that. (I was glad he was being honest even though it did hurt)"

Um, this one I'd say he wanted to let you know about the girl, maybe cause he wanted to see your reaction. Hence, the "nevermind, forget I said that" Or he just truly regretted saying it, if so, the honestly SLIPPED! Be careful IMO. BUT, he DID tell you...

And honestly, I just put the rest of them together and think maybe he's confused, he wants certain things out of his life but not sure which one outweighs the other. If someone wanted to file, they'll make time. He's unsure.

I don't know what to tell you to do, I'm in a severely fouled up situation myself. Of course it's pretty cut and dry. She paid a lawyer over 2 weeks ago and still says "I don't want you" So yeah, mine's ez to see through now. But, I just don't know what to tell you for advice.

*edited out some stuff :p *

I hope it gets better for you soon, I know it hurts.
 

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I don't know your full situation, but it sounds like he misses the security of you. It sounds like to me he had this illusion that he would leave you and life would be this great party with girls and friends knocking down his door and it didn't turn out how he planned. Saying he didn't want to give you a outright answer because he might fall back on it is a BS copout IMO. He doesn't want to commit to a answer and wants to leave it open incase he changes his mind.

He sounds clinically depressed with all that stuff about everything he does is a waste and he's a bad person etc makes me think he is just feeling sorry for himself.

You're better off without him. If he wants you back he needs to work on himself and become a better and stronger man. He also needs to decide what he wants and let you know and not be so wishywashy.

"-He was interested in a girl...wanted to hang out with her to get to know her, but she wasn't interested.
-Then he told me to forget that he told me that he regrets that he told me that. (I was glad he was being honest even though it did hurt)"

Um, this one I'd say he wanted to let you know about the girl, maybe cause he wanted to see your reaction. Hence, the "nevermind, forget I said that" Or he just truly regretted saying it, if so, the honestly SLIPPED! Be careful IMO. BUT, he DID tell you...
.
I think he truly feels depressed and sorry for himself that this girl he liked didn't like him back. He mentioned it to make her feel sorry for him then realized he shouldn't have. I'm no doctor, but he sounds like a classic narcissist to me. Everything is about him.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
Thanks all.


It really is all about him. It's really unfair how he is keeping me in limbo like this. I think his low self esteem is part of the problem, him having no friends(the friends he does have aren't good influences...and even if they were they dont come visit because they dont want to take an hour and drive down to visit) is part of the problem.

I think him being young and in college and feeling like he wants to go out and have fun is a problem. He told me he wanted to go out and have fun.


Simple immaturity to blame? Perhaps.


I do think he is depressed but he has to realize it cant be all about him all of the time if he wants the family he helped create. HE has to put his child and sometimes his wife first. I do, and when we weren't separated...I put him first 99% of the time, even when I was heavily pregnant and felt like he should're took care of me more...or at least been more attentive to my needs.

About that girl, he told me he only wanted to hang out with her (she is 30 weeks pregnant( I know, wtf right?), but he swears it wasn't by him because I kind of made a sound or something when he told me this and I guess he knew what I was thinking) and she wasn't interested. He told me he didn't want to hurt me anymore than he already have and that's why he regrets telling me.

He also let me know that he didn't feel like talking about us because he felt really lonely.


I guess my question for myself is when is enough enough? When is my breaking point? Should I let myself be a loose end, an "I don't know"? No matter how much I love this guy?
 

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I have no friends right now as well. The ones I did have were my wife's and she was my whole life for 13 years. However I don't go around talking like that. I may have some self esteem issues because of the way my wife cheated and left me, but have sense enough to keep it to myself. I'd never say everything I do is a waste and I'm a bad person regardless. Like I said it sounds like he feels sorry for himself and is fishing for sympathy. Maybe I'm being to harsh.

You can't solve his problems and there is no need to make excuses for him. You need to value yourself more then that. If he wants you he needs to work at it and make a effort. Love can cause you to make bad and sometimes rash decisions, but you have yourself and a child to look after and they should come first.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
I would love nothing more than to give it one real hard college try. I want my family back, and I don't like hearing him talking about himself that way. I always told him how good he was. It breaks my heart.


But no, I can't fix him. In the mean time I guess I just wait and take care of my daughter the best that I can.

But how long can I wait? It just seems like he isn't going to make the commitment of staying with me, but he isn't going to file either.
 

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Discussion Starter #10
He also told me he thinks he is "too far gone". Then why not tell me outright, "Yes, I am going to file for divorce and it's what I want?" I told him to just be honest, because its going to hurt so he might as well just get it over with. Then he just says he doesn't know.


This is why I am confused his actions, reactions, words, nothing is consistent.


It's not like he is trying to pick out a damn video game at the store. I am his wife or whatever I am to him, and the mother of his child...shouldn't he be a little more sure than he is??
 

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Discussion Starter #11
He also said that he doesn't know what he wants or is looking for and he might not ever find it.


I don't know what he means by that either.
 

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All empty words. No consistent action to back it up. Walk away.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

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If he's clinically depressed it's still up to him to get to a doctor and/or therapist and work on it. He will drag you down. Marriages where one partner is depressed are 9x more likely than average to end in divorce. He is wallowing in self-pity, and wants you to a.) feel sorry for him, b.) take away his responsibility and let him do whatever he wants, and c.) make it all better for him.

You've got your hands full with a real child. You don't need to have him dragging you down emotionally and mentally. I'm in the process of divorcing someone with lifelong mental health issues, and I've been treated for depression for many years. I'm not making it up. You cannot get yourself healthy in a situation like this. He has got to take responsibility for his own care. As long as he's able to go to school, work, have friends, etc., he's not too depressed to work on things.

Walk away for your own good.
 

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AI,

I'm sorry you've been introduced to the game of mindf*cking.

My STBXH does this crap on a weekly basis.

He's very narcissistic and, sometimes, pretty manic. When he gets scared that I may be doing too good by myself, or hears something positive about me, I can expect a phone call where he spews the same BS.

Since it's all about him, he will grasp at any straw to keep me on the back burner, even if it means hindering me from a more enjoyable life.

Your H is capable of giving you a straight answer, but he doesn't want to. He doesn't have to.

The "I don't know" response was designed to keep you hanging.
 

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He wants you there waiting for him in case his new life falls through... Do yourself a favor, move forward and file yourself.... you only need to be responsible for yourself and your child...its hard at first but you will be happier in the long run without him
 

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Discussion Starter #17
This sucks.

I really love him and he wasn't this way a year ago.


I don't want to walk, if I do I feel like I will regret it.
 

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This sucks.

I really love him and he wasn't this way a year ago.

I don't want to walk, if I do I feel like I will regret it.
I feel the same way. Really.

However, it's NEVER too late.

You can get remarried, after divorce, if it's meant to be.

As betrayed spouses, though, we absolutely have to slam down the hammer, at some point.

Standing idly by, waiting on the WS to come out of "the fog" just says to them, "I am a glutton for punishment. Yes, please...give me some more heartache. Ahhh."
 

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:iagree::iagree::iagree:

sweety is on the money... but only you can decide when the time is right for you, no one can make that decision for you

oh and he doesn't love you, if he did he would not treat you this way....
 

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Discussion Starter #20
I don't believe in remarrying. If we divorce, I am done, even if I am madly in love with him for the rest of my life. If it didn't work out the first time, why would it work out the second time.

So that is why I am trying to go all in now.
 
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