[scotthall]

Me and my wife have been married for 6 years. We have 3 kids (2 together). I work fulltime and she stays home and takes care of the house and kids. Overall the marriage has been ok the normal ups and downs. But the past 3-4 weeks my wife has had this attitude it starts with the one word answers during our conversation and the occasional head node for a response. The feeling that I get from her is a very distant and cold as if I did something wrong (In which I didn't). Whenever I walk into a room that shes in she won't even acknowledge
my presence. Several times during this 3-4 week period tried to find out what the problem was and either one or two things would happen 1) She would deny that there was a problem and that everything is normal or 2) She would get mad and switch it around and say that I was the problem! What can I do to find out what the problem is and how to fix it?

 

[Chris H.]

Several times during this 3-4 week period tried to find out what the problem was and either one or two things would happen 1) She would deny that there was a problem and that everything is normal or 2) She would get mad and switch it around and say that I was the problem! What can I do to find out what the problem is and how to fix it?

I would try to find out exactly what you're doing that's upsetting her so much. If she says, "You are the problem," ask her to be more specific about what it is that bothers her so much about you. It's probably more than one thing though. She may be upset about a lot of things. Try to be understanding and don't get defensive.

 

[tater03]

I would definently be asking her to elaborate when she states that you are the problem. Another thing could it be that she needs to get some alone time away from the kids. I can tell you being a stay at home mom with two sons sometimes in no picnic. There are times when my husband walks through the door where I just want him to say to me, "Honey why don't I take the kids for a couple of hours and take them to the park so you can get some time to yourself". Not sure if that is the problem but it is worth a shot.

 

[JustMe]

I agree that you need to find out exactly what the problem is. How can you fix it if you don't know what it is? Sometimes we women expect you to read our minds...I know, it's completely unfair. I also know first hand that being a stay at home mom is not an easy job. I (obviously) don't know you, or your reactions to things, so if I'm off, just ignore me But sometimes when I've had a hard or just plain long day with the kids, I'm in a cruddy mood, but don't want to vent to my husband because I know he's had a long day too. Sometimes I feel guilty that he's the one with a job (that he's not really fond of) and that even though we agreed that I'd stay home, I feel guilty if I complain because I'm not bringing in any money and he has to work long, frustrating hours every day. Maybe for some reason, she's afraid of your reaction if she tells you she's just had a crappy day and needs to stew about it. Sometimes husbands forget that we wives get our "knickers in a knot" too and can't be happy-go-lucky all the time. Just some thoughts. I hope things work out for you!

 

[chccamaro]

1. Do you think that the reality of being a stay at home mom may be taking a toll on her? After years of doing it she may feel that her life is not going anywhere.

2. Do you two ever do anything special together? do you ever suprise her with flowers or doing the dishes or things like that?

3. When you come home from work does she have time to do things that she wants to do(ex. go for a walk, wash her hair, read).

Speaking from the view of a stay-at-home mom...I know how frustrating it can be to watch your partner leave the house and know that you are there ALL day...it is lonely, boring and repetitive...I hope that my comments above were somewhat helpful...also, when she has a fit like that...approach her calmly and timidly and NON-CONFRONTATIONAL...let her know that you have noticed a change in her moods and that you care about what she is going through...whatever that may be...for all you know...it may have NOTHING to do with you....

 

[draconis]

Being a stay at home isn't hard by any means. It is very boring because you are cut off from social interaction with adults. Plus you feel like you have no control as you have no money. Cleaning, cooking etc takes 3 honest hours of work. I know I do it for a family of six, including two young ones. Yes I did time were I was actually a stay at home for almost a year. One of the children has high funtion autism.

But the boredom killed me inside. When I started my store it was the greatest thing because I could get away and do things, interact with adults other then my spouse.

I think that the idea that you need to communicate better is important. Stop and talk to her about what is going on and listen.

draconis

 

[kajira]

Two things come to mind - my ex2be last night said the following - "Either your with someone else or you don't want me anymore" - Well the later I haev to admit seems to be true.....Women I think disconnet as a form of survival, however, I still do believe there is hope..........being a stay at home mom is not easy....mom's need interaction, communication...

 

[draconis]

The hardest part I found about being a stay home was sheer loneliness and boredom. Plus I started quoting every Disney movie everytime I talked with any adult.

draconis

 

[Doubt&Wonder]

Is sound to ME as though your WIFE is upset with some thing you did or did not do (but should have done) - and when she sees you in person or hears your voice she is reminded of these negative feelings she holds toward you now....... I wish you luck in finding out what is going on.

 

[Thewife]

Oh, I dont want to start my crap on the stay at home mom topic, Its sooo tiring..........and frustrating when people dont understand what we go thru.

well, about your wife, usually women would want to talk out their problem and blurt out everything they should and shouldnt ( I m like that and most of the women i know are like that too) so its surprising to me that your wife doesnt seem to open up.......perhaps she had already mentioned it and u have not noticed it or taken it seriously???

Yes i agree with the others that u should find out whats the actual problem!

Take care and all the best!

 

[fire_vogel]

when i start reacting like that... it's usually coz i'm not getting something that i NEED (occasionally that i WANT).
the idea offered by tater03 seems nice, it might be that she's not getting any time to herself and is feeling frustrated. do BOTH of you spend time TOGETHER?
my husband's been working a lot this week and i hardly get to see him. THAT is very frustrating. and just imagine, i deal with that only from time to time, this week being the longest coz it's going to last till the weekend. i NEED and WANT to spend time with him, i'm missing him and that's pretty frustrating.
so do you think it might be coz you guys aren't spending enough time together?

 

[3plus3]

Just wondering, did you ever find out what it is that is really upsetting your wife? Just wondering since this was started awhile ago.

 

[cadence]

Being a stay at home isn't hard by any means. It is very boring because you are cut off from social interaction with adults. Plus you feel like you have no control as you have no money. Cleaning, cooking etc takes 3 honest hours of work. I know I do it for a family of six, including two young ones. Yes I did time were I was actually a stay at home for almost a year. One of the children has high funtion autism.
and talk to her about what is going on and listen.
Draconis

Draconis, Maybe being a stay at home isnt hard FOR A MAN...I mean after all you will get much more admiration and appreciation for doing exactly what millions of moms do all the time (even us full time working moms) bt I find this statement highly insulting as it is basicaly demeaning even further the unpaid work that is done PREDOMINATELY by women....sure youve done it for a year...many many of us have done it for 10 , 15 or 20years whilst simultaneously working 40 hrs pr week in paid employment...
I have posted a few links under "not feeling appreciated ' on the womens thread and believe me there is way more research showing that your experience is way from the norm f what many women experience.......sure your houswor may take three hours...do you have any disabilities, suffer depresion, have period pain , carry babies etc......????? you simply cant compare your experience to that of a woman.

 

[draconis]

Draconis, Maybe being a stay at home isnt hard FOR A MAN...I mean after all you will get much more admiration and appreciation for doing exactly what millions of moms do all the time (even us full time working moms) bt I find this statement highly insulting as it is basicaly demeaning even further the unpaid work that is done PREDOMINATELY by women....sure youve done it for a year...many many of us have done it for 10 , 15 or 20years whilst simultaneously working 40 hrs pr week in paid employment...
I have posted a few links under "not feeling appreciated ' on the womens thread and believe me there is way more research showing that your experience is way from the norm f what many women experience.......sure your houswor may take three hours...do you have any disabilities, suffer depresion, have period pain , carry babies etc......????? you simply cant compare your experience to that of a woman.

Yes I do suffer from three severe disabilities, yes because of the disabilities I have battled with depression off and on. I have four kids and a wife I do all the chores for even though some days I can't even open a zip lock bag and the bank has to know me in person because somedays I can't sign my own name.

Many stay at homes claim that it is a 40+ hour a week job, it isn't. There isn't one movie or book I know of that credits men for staying at home rather they are always though of as inept. Ask most men and WOMEN how they feel about stay at homes (the most common responce for a women is good for her, for a man he must be a slacker or good for nothing, "not a man.")

Stay at home isn't hard work. I'd trade it ANY day for the work I use to do. One out of three in the job was hospitalized every year. You really don't have those worries with a stay at home, it is more time management, and doing work effectively.

I admire those that can stay at home. Do they get enough credit? By some yes most often by their SO no. It doesn't change the point. One person on here complained her husband didn't help around the house. I was the first to jump all over him for not doing so then later she said he had to have surgery. No wonder he didn't if his back was that bad and he was working through with disc problems.

As far as the pain I will trade any day of the week with you. Not only do I do all the house work btw I also own and run my own store often managing that from home too.

draconis

 

[cadence]

Hi, Dracionis, I should have been more specific...when I said you cant compare your experience to a womans...I didnt mean because of any pain, pregnancy etc but rather because society treats men who are single parents diffenrenty than women who are...Im sorry to hear about your health problems.....I am amazed you manage only a few hours to run a house with all your pain...I am a migraine sufferer and With each of my pregnancies I suffered sever morning sickness (lasting to late afternoon for the entire pregnancy)...I know it took me absolutely forever to get what needs to be done finished...When Im home (ie weekends, hlidays)now I spend a minimum of six-eight hours in household/child related chores....when at work it is around 3 hours each for my husband and I a day... Anyway, it was mentioned in 'not feeling appreciated' that it wOuld be better to start a seprate thread on this topic with links to studies...so will do for anyone . interested

 

[juls]

The hardest part I found about being a stay home was sheer loneliness and boredom. Plus I started quoting every Disney movie everytime I talked with any adult.

draconis

Oh my isn't that the truth... I have been a SAHM for 8 yrs now, I left a pretty good career etc etc. But I chose to do this because I wanted to be with my kids. Now as my youngest(of the 4) is almost ready for pre-school I find myself thinking..OMG what am I gonna do, I have been a SAHM for what seems forever now what/how am I gonna ever revert back to adult worklife..

I do have days where he will come home and I will be distant, because well the house only gets so clean and having only one car(which he has) means I am here. To top it off I live in a itty butty mountain town(where I grew up) and the only thing we have is a coffee shop and gas station of which are 5 miles from me..

BUT...........When he sees me in this "mood", he will ALWAYS come to me and hug me and cuddle with me..He sees it when I start feeling this way..And is always there to cheer me up..

He knows that the once VERY independent career woman is now scared to think she has accomplished nothing..in all actuality I have, I have 4 wondeful children who are well behaved and great kids..But I still have that desire in myself to be and adult again..(I don't know to many adults that know the words to every spongebob abd dora an diego music)..

Ah I dunno if I am making sense..

 

[bfree]

Re: Re: Major attitude from wife

I would try to find out exactly what you're doing that's upsetting her so much. If she says, "You are the problem," ask her to be more specific about what it is that bothers her so much about you. It's probably more than one thing though. She may be upset about a lot of things. Try to be understanding and don't get defensive.

Another reason many follow the 180. It minimizes communication and help prevent foot in mouth mistakes.