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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My husband and I have been together for 8 years, married for a little under 2. We have a wonderful marriage and a great foundation in every aspect but sex.
It started about 5 years ago when we bought our first house together, he started to become less interested in sex with me. He rarely iniated it and started rejecting me more often when I would initiate. It then became worse the longer we were together and I tried to keep telling myself that it was b/c he was getting bored. I tried SOO many ways to spice up our relationship with toys, making a jar full of sexy ideas, lingerie, role playing.. BUT he wouldn't reciprocate. Only MY ideas would go in the jar and he would "forget" and then he wouldn't want to pull any of the ideas out. It was boring and he wasn't WANTING to make it better.. I was frustrated. I also discovered that he used porn a couple of times a week but he would not come to me. Obviously that type of rejection is hurtful.
Then we got engaged and married close right after that. Things got worse, we didn't even have sex until 3-4 weeks after our wedding day (b/c he would come up with a million excuses like being tired, wanting to relax, lazy, etc) We had a baby almost 7 months ago and since then, we've had sex twice.. both times after I nagged him for so long that I believe he just caved in. He doesn't want to have sex while looking at me and he'll keep his eyes shut or says he gets embarrassed. I finally had enough and decided we needed to see a marriage counselor.. it is not suppose to be like this in a marriage. I am far from ugly and I have gotten to my pre-pregnancy weight and I am no prude in the bedroom so what is wrong with me???
When we went to counseling, he told the counselor that he sees women in only one of two ways, the ****s and the goog girls. He said that I am everything he wants in a wife and a best friend, he loves me and cares for me and does not want to be with anyone else and that he has too much respect for me to do some of the dirty things he sees in porn. He admitted to looking at porn on an average of twice a week. He hides it from me and does not want me to be a part of it. I have asked him if we can watch together but he says he wouldn't be turned on by it if I was with him, he explains it like if he was with a bunch of guy friends and a 'Girls Gone Wild' video was in, he wouldn't allow himself to be aroused. This is so hurtful.
The counselor said he has a porn addiction and she asked him to stop viewing porn so that his sexual drive can be redirected at me. He has done so well at quitting (but it's only been 2 weeks) he says he is struggling with it really badly and that each day he wants to look at that the women on TV and adverstisements just make it harder on him. YET we spent the entire weekend and some nights alone together (after our sweet baby goes to bed) and he has ZERO interest in me. I try to hint around or talk dirty, but no.. he ignores my attempts or changes the subject. I am so hurt. He says he wants to change but cannot explain why he is like this. Everything I have researched says it's the madonna/***** complex and the counselor also mentioned it. The part that I am having a hard time with is how can I be supportive for him in quitting his porn addiction when I am emotionally hurt over the rejection. He was choosing porn over me and now he'd choose nothing over me. He has zero interest in me but yet I have to support him when I hear him say that he WANTS to look at porn and he lusts after other women. I feel like I've been punched in the belly. I love this man with all my heart and I just want to feel wanted by him. Help, any advice would be wonderful!
 

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This is a huge problem, a lot of couples have this issue now. Sometimes the men think women do not measure up to those they see in porn or they cannot get the porn images out of their heads.

I honestly would not stay with a man who did this to me. he either needs to quit the porn, go in for intensive therapy and counseling and start learning to connect with you and ignite his passion for you, or I would move on.
 

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I have to think you are a very sexual person who wants to love/be loved, this is good and you should never quit being who you are! :)
You are going thru rejection, you hurt and want it to stop, it's not going to happen over night so hang in there.
@ one point in my life I hated any EBH (Emotional Black Hole) who wanted to be w/ me, in fact I'm not sure I was even w/ but one real EBH but my point is he may feel smothered. Look up the 180 plan, read it over and decide what you want to do. As a man I don't like "easy" I like to stalk, hunt, and eat :) like an animal.
When I met my wife she was a EBH in a few ways, I broke her heart and she turned into SB, she's fun to chase and never the same on any 2 days. :)
Good luck!
Mouse
PS I'm not calling you a EBH, I was just telling you my own experiences.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
How do u know he stopped watching porn?

Can it be someone else in his life?
I installed a spector pro for mac on the computer to make sure he's not viewing porn.. he has not in 2 weeks now :)

There isn't anyone else, we do truly love each other and we get along in every aspect but this. He wanted the help and suggested the counselor, I don't think he would do it if he was with someone else.

We have our next session tmrw and I am going to ask the counselor how to better deal with my emotions so that I do not take my frustrations out by being resentful or grumpy towards him b/c that doesn't help a thing!

I am also going to take up the advice to just not approach him and hope that I go from the 'hunter' to the 'prey'.. but I'm not very hopeful because I have tried that tactic before and it just left me sexless for 4 months :(
 

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He has done so well at quitting (but it's only been 2 weeks) he says he is struggling with it really badly and that each day he wants to look at that the women on TV and adverstisements just make it harder on him. YET we spent the entire weekend and some nights alone together (after our sweet baby goes to bed) and he has ZERO interest in me. I try to hint around or talk dirty, but no.. he ignores my attempts or changes the subject. I am so hurt.
I have delt with the porn battle so I know where you are coming from. My H has stopped looking at porn for a little over a year. It is a horrible battle on many levels. Dealing with my resentment, anger, and feelings of deception was the hardest part. It still gets me sometimes. I'll still snap at my H or if we get in a little fight i'll extrapolate it out and bring up the past. From time to time i still hate him for what he did. It happens. But it does get better.

You're H really opened up at counseling. I bet that was really hard for him. He's not going to be interested in sex with you right now. He's struggling with so many things. Its not as simple as 'if he loved you he would stop and start coming on to you.' he's had this pattern of behaving his entire life. essentially you are asking him to become a different person. It will take time. He's going to have to invest a lot of energy into fighting this and that means there will be little energy that goes into intimacy with you. Give him time to work on himself and deal with what he's working on. He knows what you need from him. Let it be for awhile.

In the mean time, work on your resentment. Give your full energy and attention to fixing YOUR problem. Think about how hard it is for you to overcome your challenges and it might be easier for you to allow him the time to overcome his challenges. Right now the best way to work on your resentment is do absolutely NOTHING that will bring up more resentment in you. That's probably going to mean that you do not come on to him sexually. it might even mean you cant be supportive of him right now. That's OK. Pay attention to how you feel when you act and if you are doing something thats creating negative energy in you, dont do it. Do something that creates postivie energy for you.

In my case, thinking my H was a bad person, thinking that my marriage shouldnt be this way created a lot of negative energy for me. it fed my resentment. i had to drop those thoughts and replace them with things that were more positive. i read a book that helped me see how my relationship was helping me grow and cope with some things from my past. These problems were actually helping me. I feel more positive when I think that way. That doesnt mean i want it to stay this way, nor that i will stay in the situation, but i try to focus on what is good about it instead of feeding my resentment.

And one more thing- my H and I do not own a TV anymore. We dont watch anything over PG-13, and nothing with sexually explicit material. He has K9 web protection on his phone and computer that blocks out any images. This is essential to do if he really wants to beat this thing(no pun intended...lol). I know it feels like a child, but he's gotta do what it takes if he wants real intimacy.
 
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