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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
In early January my wife learned about a yearlong A I had with a much younger woman who does not live in my city. The OW lives in a city where I did work a few times a year. I have resigned from that job and trying to find work in my hometown. I have been married 18+ years and have two great kids (teenagers). I am still living in the house (basement). I ended the A immediately and have been seeing a counselor and have going back to church regularly.She is seeing prof. help also but has not agreed to see a MC. The remorse I for what I have done is painful.I see my wife devastated by my actions.I see the pain that I have caused every time I look at her.My wife is a beautiful, intelligent and giving woman and I lost track of that.Why did I cheat? I thought she didn't love me anymore,we hardly communicated and there seemed to be little/no affection for the past few years.The impact of my choice has affected not only my family, but her parents and close friends. All our friends were both of our friends-thus, I don't have any friends. My wife says she needs time and space.She told me last night that she doesn't know if she can ever love me again.I am hoping some of that statement is anger and she can learn to love me again.I feel like the worst person in the world and want to do whatever it takes to be forgiven by my wife, kids and anyone I have affected. I am terrified how to live on my own without her and the kids.I don't know how to go on without the thought of them in my everyday life...I am not a bad person, I made a bad choice.
 

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Well, you SOUND truly remorseful, and if you've done all you say, you're doing the right things.

All you can do is give your wife time. It's only been a month - it takes YEARS to recover from this.

Is there anything else your wife needs to know? Have you told her you will answer any questions she has? Apologized a zillion times?

You must NOT ask for ANYTHING from her right now. Work on yourself. Read books about how to recover from cheating. Continue your IC. Do your part around the house and more.

And if she decides she's done, accept it and move on and don't EVER cheat on anyone again.
 

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Well, you SOUND truly remorseful, and if you've done all you say, you're doing the right things.

All you can do is give your wife time. It's only been a month - it takes YEARS to recover from this.

Is there anything else your wife needs to know? Have you told her you will answer any questions she has? Apologized a zillion times?

You must NOT ask for ANYTHING from her right now. Work on yourself. Read books about how to recover from cheating. Continue your IC. Do your part around the house and more.

And if she decides she's done, accept it and move on and don't EVER cheat on anyone again.
Not much to say here.

Just make sure your as transparent as glass and above board on everything.
 

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You ended the affair. Have you ended contact with the OW completely?

I think the biggest problem you will have going forward is that people will indeed be able to forgive, but they won't forget. Your W will constantly be stung by certain elements: A full year, a much younger woman, busted by her, i.e., you didn't see the light and stop yourself. These are all serious betrayals of trust and love that people don't erase from memory.

So, the way people see you is irrevocably changed. What you can do is create different memories for the present and future. Make yourself a person you and they can respect & do it for yourself. The best you can do now is be the guy who cheated and devastated his W, but then did everything he could to be a better person.

You can't turn the clock back and you can't repair the damage. What you can do is show that you learned a valuable lesson.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
I apologize every chance I get. I have told her everything about the A. I have answered every question and shown her bank statements for gifts and cell phone records. I do whatever I can around the house already. I was a stay at home dad for 13 years and I can manage the house better then any husband I know. I am not looking for a crystal ball answer how long it will take her, but some sign that she can find it in her heart to forgive me. I want her to know that I am a good person and I won't stray again.My actions have hurt so many people and that is a heavy burden to have everyday.
I want to show my wife the person I used to be-very giving and thoughtful to her and the kids. I am afraid if I begin doing this again it will be viewed negatively-not giving her the space she is asking for so I try to stay out of the way.
I had been wanting to stop the affair the last visit I made. I saw the opportunity to end it when the OW accepted a job in a new city. She and I agreed to end it then, but it wasn't soon enough.I know that doesn't sound right, but its what was going to happen.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
I was caught. The OW doesn't live near us...2000 miles away. She had suspicions for a few weeks and was watching my every move. She was beginning to compile information to confront me. When she confronted me...I told her everything. I didn't hold back. I answered every question. She learned i contacted an attorney (but never met with) to learn my rights. She pulled half the bank account and required our investments have both signatures. I told her I had not been back in contact with the attorney, just wanted to know my rights if she wanted a divorce. I told her I would rather fix what I have broken, if she would allow.
 

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Well that's unfortunate. But it is what it is now.

You just have to wait and see what she decides.
 

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In early January my wife learned about a yearlong A I had with a much younger woman who does not live in my city.
A year-long affair goes WAY beyond "made a bad choice." It required malice aforethought and premeditation in the destruction of your wife's emotional security.

I thought she didn't love me anymore,we hardly communicated and there seemed to be little/no affection for the past few years. The remorse I for what I have done is painful. I am not a bad person, I made a bad choice.
I hope you don't verbalize this cowardly drivel to your wife. Instead of whining about how badly you feel for being caught doing the ONE THING MOST LIKELY TO DESTROY YOUR FAMILY, you need to man-up and stoicly accept the easily foreseen and natural consequences of your betrayal.

It's up to her whether to continue to share her life with an infidel, and a person with even a passing relationship with reason would be able to see that whining like a b***ch, blameshifting, and blubbering self-justifying euphemisms ain't helpin' their cause AT ALL.

Your selected screen name says a lot: I want to be forgiven.

I want some attention. I want to have a relationship where I don't have to work. I want to blame others for my moral failures. I want to fvck a much younger woman. I want to keep my wife and have the younger woman. I want to avoid consequences for my actions. I want my wife to take me back. I want to be forgiven. I want. I want. I want. I. I. I.

Somewhere in there is the root source of your problem. Figure that out and you might have a chance.
 

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I am terrified how to live on my own without her and the kids.I don't know how to go on without the thought of them in my everyday life.
This is it right here. It's not them so much. It's not the hurt and pain you caused them during the 1 yr affair so much as it's that you're scared to live on your own and not have them in your every day life.

Stop thinking about yourself for once. It's not much but it's a start.

I am not a bad person, I made a bad choice.
You had a yearlong affair and only stopped it "immediately" when you got CAUGHT.

Your actions define you.
 

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You have to accept that she may never forgive you. As I said, she certainly will never forget.

So many men come here suddenly desperate to have their wives back after terrible betrayals. I always wonder what motivates this. Do you suddenly love your W again? If you tell yourself that you never stopped loving her through your A, then you are lying to yourself, because true love doesn't admit affairs.

And I know you don't want to think of yourself as a bad person & you probably aren't when one adds up all the facets of your person. But this isn't just a bad choice. This comes from a part of you, the 'you' that you want to think of as a good person. Lightning didn't strike and force you to make a bad choice. You are the person who did it. So, there is part of you that is not such a good person. Certainly, that's how your W sees you.

In my opinion, you have to be completely honest with yourself about what you did and why you did it. You have to search your soul to understand what you feel for your W. You should focus on being the best person you can be from this point on.
 

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In early January my wife learned about a yearlong A I had with a much younger woman who does not live in my city. The OW lives in a city where I did work a few times a year. I have resigned from that job and trying to find work in my hometown. I have been married 18+ years and have two great kids (teenagers). I am still living in the house (basement). I ended the A immediately and have been seeing a counselor and have going back to church regularly.She is seeing prof. help also but has not agreed to see a MC. The remorse I for what I have done is painful.I see my wife devastated by my actions.I see the pain that I have caused every time I look at her.My wife is a beautiful, intelligent and giving woman and I lost track of that.Why did I cheat? I thought she didn't love me anymore,we hardly communicated and there seemed to be little/no affection for the past few years.The impact of my choice has affected not only my family, but her parents and close friends. All our friends were both of our friends-thus, I don't have any friends. My wife says she needs time and space.She told me last night that she doesn't know if she can ever love me again.I am hoping some of that statement is anger and she can learn to love me again.I feel like the worst person in the world and want to do whatever it takes to be forgiven by my wife, kids and anyone I have affected. I am terrified how to live on my own without her and the kids.I don't know how to go on without the thought of them in my everyday life...I am not a bad person, I made a bad choice.
What a dumb reason - if it was no big deal then why all the secrecy FOR A YEAR? If you thought she didn't love you, then wouldn't it follow she wouldn't care what or whom you did? This is merely a lie to yourself that some part of your subconsciousness (or maybe you are highly aware already) told yourself that you knew it would be hurtful and a dealbreaker if you cheated which is why you cheated rather than fix your marriage or divorce. You knew exactly how much your W loved you, and you played an equal part in the lack of communication and affection, so to even say this means you are still not capable of accepting your responsibility and full accountability to take it outside of your marriage.

Keep working at it, and be fully transparent so that after a year or two when you've both been able to really process this all, if you both are still in you can begin to rebuild trust again. Years. The work to repair not only the state of your marriage but also now all the damage you've caused, will be tremendous which is why so few reconciliations work (my opinion).
 

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Was the younger woman betraying someone herself?

I agree with the posters that find it convenient that you "came to Jesus" at the precise moment you were discovered. You had seen a lawyer, you kept seeing the OW for a year. You spent money, time, and emotions on the OW.

Your wife must have been beside herself with fear, grief, anger, and a sense of betrayal. I'll wager she tried to get you to talk, to re-connect with her during the period of time you "felt she didn't care or love you".

You have been dishonest with yourself and probably still are. I believe you ARE afraid of being alone and ashamed that you've been exposed. Those alone are not reasons for reconciliation.

Okay - enough harshness. Now advice.

Get yourself 'fixed'. Arrange for counseling to help you see the truth about your feelings. It may turn out that you really want out of the marriage. If so, accept it. Keep out of your wife's way. But support her in anything she needs. Help with household chores without being asked. Let her know of ANY contact you have via text or email. Even if it's work related. Don't make her wonder who called or texted.

If she decides it's over. Then it's over. You told her as much with the affair. It's totally in her court now. It's something you have to accept.
 

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This does seem to be more about you than your family, which I would say is normal. A year long affair is not.

You were in love with another woman for a full year! That is enough to drive a spouse insane. The level of disrespect shown is off the charts. How many other affairs have you maintained because I doubt if its only one. I am not trying to come down hard on you but I have been in your wife's shoes somewhat (my husband only told me because he thought he was going to be outted. He and his OW were breaking up and had a big argument but she never contacted me.) So I know how learning your husband has been loving someone else feels.

Your wife is fresh off of discovery so you wondering when she will be over it is crazy. It will take years and years for her to feel safe and loved again. She will doubt everything and never fully trust you again.....you stole that from her. Does she go to church because Godly forgiveness is the only way she will be able to do it.
 

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Delete any music the OW gave you. Delete her emails. Any gift she gave you, dispose of. Any pictures, delete. Avoid mentioning her at all, unless directly asked and avoid saying her name.

You screwed up again by talking to a lawyer. That seems to show a lack of willing.

You want to show remorse? Give her ALL the money in the accounts. PERIOD. Have your direct deposit go directly to your wife's account.

You need to make yourself just as vulnerable to your wife as she feels right now.

Quitting that job was good. Your response to when you were busted was also good.

MEAN IT! She will probably see right through the bull****, so if you can't dedicate yourself to home and family, quit.

YOU look up books on how to fix this. YOU visit websites on how to fix this. Whining to us isn't any use. YOU need to find the answers and implement them.

Your wife will see this.

It still might not be enough. But for some reason, you are slightly more likely to get forgiven if you are a man. DO NOT COUNT ON THAT!

Let me be very clear. A smirk, a bit of smugness, the slightest hint that you are taking her grace for granted and you will be back, not to square one, but square -10.

Man up...but it's possible. Do whatever you have to do.

Good luck
 

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Delete any music the OW gave you. Delete her emails. Any gift she gave you, dispose of. Any pictures, delete.
JCD, as a BS, how do you know if the WS really does get rid of everything? What does it mean if they kept things from the affair and the BS doesn't know? Could it simply be they forgot or just really like what was given and want to keep it (not as a reminder of the AP but just like the item)? I don't know how many pictures there may be so if he kept some, what does that mean, that he still loves her???????? Sorry for the thread highjack.....JCD's response struck a cord with me.
 

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Why did I cheat? I thought she didn't love me anymore,we hardly communicated and there seemed to be little/no affection for the past few years.
:scratchhead:

Have you told your wife this is the reason? I think you need to come up with something better than that.

Since my wife's affair, I have frequently had the thought that she doesn't love me - and yet I haven't cheated, why is that, then? I also have a hard time to make her communicate on a deeper level with me, and yet I haven't cheated?

Should your wife worry that you will cheat each time communication and affection is not quite as good as it should be?

To me, these are rethorical questions, but I think you should give it some serious thoughts, counselling and therapy seems to be a good idea.
 

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JCD, as a BS, how do you know if the WS really does get rid of everything? What does it mean if they kept things from the affair and the BS doesn't know? Could it simply be they forgot or just really like what was given and want to keep it (not as a reminder of the AP but just like the item)? I don't know how many pictures there may be so if he kept some, what does that mean, that he still loves her???????? Sorry for the thread highjack.....JCD's response struck a cord with me.
I am speaking to the WS. HE can or cannot do it. I made an effort to clean things out and discuss them with my wife (She used to mock me with the songs my friend sent me...or maybe tease. One of the two)

For his own piece of mind, he should get rid of them. As a symbol to his wife, he should get rid of them.

But how, as a BS, can you know ANYTHING about your WS? How does HE know that YOU won't go trolling for revenge dates? At a certain point, you have to have a bit of faith.
 

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I am speaking to the WS. HE can or cannot do it. I made an effort to clean things out and discuss them with my wife (She used to mock me with the songs my friend sent me...or maybe tease. One of the two)

For his own piece of mind, he should get rid of them. As a symbol to his wife, he should get rid of them.

But how, as a BS, can you know ANYTHING about your WS? How does HE know that YOU won't go trolling for revenge dates? At a certain point, you have to have a bit of faith.
I agree that he should get rid of everything and send this message as a proof of intend.

I am not sure why you chose to turn the tables and state that OP can't trust his BS not to cheat??? OP proved to his wife that he is capable of cheating, I haven't seen any proof or suggestions of the opposite?

I think most of us has realized that nothing in life, or in a relationship in particular, is certain - infidelity tought me this.
 

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JCD, as a BS, how do you know if the WS really does get rid of everything? What does it mean if they kept things from the affair and the BS doesn't know? Could it simply be they forgot or just really like what was given and want to keep it (not as a reminder of the AP but just like the item)? I don't know how many pictures there may be so if he kept some, what does that mean, that he still loves her????????
Think of it this way. If you were having an affair and your AP gave you an article of lingerie, would you keep it or throw it away? Let's say you really like that bra. It fits and is functional. You don't like it because he gave it to you. You like it because it is a good fit and looks good on you. Should you keep it, knowing your husband will remember "him" every time he sees you wearing it? I think keeping something that will remind you of the AP is bad. It is like holding on to something so that you can think back on the "good times". I think keeping something that will trigger your spouse is also bad.
 
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