[32888]

Hi all,new guy here.This may sound trivial to some but for me its a big deal.Been married 13 yrs,2 great kids,shes starting to work I work 50 hrs a week,5 days and try to farm.Long time on my job. I don't drink,don't run around with friends home every night like clockwork.
When we married about all I asked for her to do was don't cheat and don't drink.Past history for me,abusive babysitter when I was little (alcohol) .Was engaged once before and broke it off due to drinking ,cheating and bi-polar on her part.
Found out through her facebook that she was at her sisters for a couple of days and out getting drunk,found out this is a reoccurring thing every couple of months.Sisters a couple of hours away.She left kids with in laws.I confronted her about this when she got home and got no response.I know she called her sister after I went to bed probably to figure out how to handle this. Over the course of the marriage it seems like the sister has become the best friend that I used to be.We don't fight or argue but I just feel ignored and dis respected.
Bottom line is I'm so hurt ,mad I couldn't stay in the same bed last night.I just don't know any more.

 

[bluepocket]

I think the issue here is that you feel that your beliefs should be respected and she feels that you have imposed boundaries for her.
This could be the source of some resentment and she feels she cannot enter into a discussion with you about what she wants.
My guess is that she isn't as anti-drinking as you are. She may have empathized with your experiences and agreed that going out and getting drunk all the time isn't a noble pursuit, but maybe she isn't as against with alcohol as you, she did not experience the same things as you have as a kid. So in effect, she has been obeying your demands and is rebelling just as a teen would.
Alcohol can be enjoyed responsibly. It effects people in different ways. Some people are mean and aggressive, some people are giggly and fun.
When you say she was 'drunk', what exactly is your definition?
As someone with Russian family, drunk to me means that one is unable to walk unaided, cannot speak and is liable to soil themselves!
Many Americans I have met consider drunk to be when one's words are slurred and their eyes somewhat bleary. That aint drunk drunk, that's having a few drinks.
I'm taking a wild guess and say I think you're Chinese based on your username (just a guess!). Chinese folk don't get drunk drunk anywhere near as much as Americans or Russians, but when they do it's usually hitting hard liquor instead of beer. Brandy, whiskey, cognac...
While I have by no means a full understanding of your situation, I'll go out on another limb and guess your wife had a few drinks, had some fun and didn't fall over or walk into a lamppost or anything like that. She was blowing off steam. She wasn't what I'd call drunk drunk.
Is it possible there are other boundaries you have imposed on your wife? It could be that she's feeling controlled and needs to reaffirm her individuality. Going for drinks behind your back might be fun for a while but if she feels you will not allow it under any circumstances, I'm afraid there'll be a long road ahead for you guys.
I think you should talk to her or get counselling.

 

[32888]

Nope ,all American farm boy.On her post she acted like she couldn't remember what she did.Just so hurt.I've lost so much trust in her.I'm so afraid shes cheating.This is the same route my fiance took,she denied everything till I found the stains on the sheets.
I don't believe I've imposed any boundaries.If she wants something or wants to do anything I do what ever I can to make it happen.

 

[bluepocket]

Hmm, ok if she's blacking out then that is an issue. Sorry if I made light of your situation. Counselling is what you guys need, that really is a clear breach of trust and she has gone too far. Sorry for jumping to the other assumptions! Thinking out loud.

 

[32888]

Ok, here to get advice.don;t know if she was actually blacking out or not.Just something I never expected from her.

 

[MrsOldNews]

She has a few at her sisters every couple months??? I agree with the poster who said your wife feels she can't talk to you because she knows there's no happy medium, it's she quits drinking and you're happy or she doesn't and you're not.

Honestly I think her having a few, or even getting drunk every few months is perfectly reasonable. I also think that you having an aversion to drinking is also perfectly reasonable. I think you need to pick your battles in a marriage And the subject of her drinking should not be a battle. Just accept it and move on. Don't impose the wrongs of a few people on your wife.

I understand you talked with her about this in the beginning, however people change their minds about things. Is this an issue you would consider leaving her over?

Your views on alcohol are prudish in nature. Have you ever considered counseling for your cheating ex wife and old babysitter? Sounds like a nice therapist would do you some good instead of projection your own issues on your wife.

 

[costa200]

Don't set boundaries you're not willing to enforce.

Personally i don't like to see people drinking to the point of getting wasted. Personal history with it too. I fully understand your position about it. Just that you really need to decide if this is a deal breaker situation for you or not.

 

[COguy]

I doubt this is all that's going on...

Why is she keeping stuff a secret from you?

I bet if you told more about your story we'd uncover more red flags. What's this about you guys not arguing? That's not a good sign, it's a bad one. You're working all day, farming, then coming home. Sounds boring. She's out drinking with her sister, that sounds exciting.

I wonder what other exciting things she is getting into to replace the "daily grind" of married life.

 

[32888]

Back again.Listened to your post,some of them.We had a long emotional talk the other night,pretty much realized the biggest problems are between my ears.I've caused a lot of hurt .All baggage that I've brought with me to this relationship.
Found a counselor and filling out the papers today for next week.It can/will be fixed.Shes behind me 100%,has volunteered to talk to therapist if needed.
I feel like it's already improving after just clearing the air. We're talking alot .I do love her so much! I just wished she would have called me on my behavior/attitude much sooner.I'm so sorry she suffered in silence.We'll get this straightened out
Thanks to all who posted !Your help probably saved my marriage

 

[wiigirl]

I doubt this is all that's going on...

Why is she keeping stuff a secret from you?

I bet if you told more about your story we'd uncover more red flags. What's this about you guys not arguing? That's not a good sign, it's a bad one. You're working all day, farming, then coming home. Sounds boring. She's out drinking with her sister, that sounds exciting.

I wonder what other exciting things she is getting into to replace the "daily grind" of married life.

:iagree:

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