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I posted this in GRD, but got directed here by a couple of members.

My wife and I have been married for 10 years. About 5 years ago she started acting out of character, and after a few weeks I was begging her to tell me what was wrong, but I could not get anything out of her. Because it was tearing me apart, I checked her computer and found a message to a friend of hers telling her that she had found this other guy and was gonna leave me, but didn't know how to tell me. I was stunned. She hadn't even given me a chance to fix things? After some major heartache, stress, and a bit of marriage counseling, we worked things out. My trust was shattered, but I was willing to rebuild it, and things seemed to be moving in a positive direction.

She says she was never intimate with the guy, and I tend to believe her. She met this guy at our job. We work at the same place but its a pretty big area and we do not work in the same department. We rode together to and from work, and on our days off, she did not really go out much on her own.

A few months ago my wife started working on a project that she signed up for outside her regular job. For over a month, it occupied all her free time. During that time she broke a lot of promises to me and did not treat me well. Also, she was going out with her "project friends" a lot and when she was at home, she was on the computer or phone with them.

I was getting some very bad vibes again, and I think this was compounded by the previous "affair". I (and I am ashamed by this) looked through her email. I found a message to one of her project friends (this was in the "trash" folder, like she had deleted it right after she sent it) and she was kinda pouring our her hopes and dreams to him (none of which included me). She told him how much she missed him and she ended it with "Love ya". She had only known this guy for about a month.

I confronted her about it and she claimed she tells all her friends "love ya" and that there was nothing there. I still felt weird about it because she doesn't tell her friends she loves them like that, but I really didn't want to start a bunch of stuff so I basically told her that from this point forward, lets be open and honest, she agreed and said she had nothing to hide, and that I could check her email anytime, so I could build up trust again.

Two weeks later, I found a message that she forgot to delete from this same guy. It was a reply from a email that she did send, which she had deleted so there was no evidence of. This was all after our talk. There was nothing in the email that was alarming in its content, however, I wondered why she was hiding it? I asked her if she remember what the most important thing was for me and our marriage. She immediately said, "To be open, honest, and not hide things." I next asked her she had been talking to this guy and trying to hide it. I could see her thinking.. finally she looked me in the eyes and said, "No, I haven't been contacting him".

I was upset because she lied to me, and she had been hiding stuff. I feel as if her relationship with this guy (whatever it may be) was worth more to her than her marriage was. I still don't understand. She says she knew it would hurt me to see it, so thats why she deleted it. I wouldn't be upset at all if she had kept the messages there and not tried to be sneaky. Now I'm constantly wondering what the hell shes been lying to me about. Did she feed me lies about all that happened 5 years ago? What has happened since then? She wants to work things out she says, but I am really struggling. I kinda feel that this is gonna happen again, and that, though I love her and want to be married to her, that its just a matter of time until she meets some guy and takes off. I hate feeling like this. I just want to be normal again.

It feels better to type this, because my wife has always been my best friend, and I don't have anyone else to talk to about this. Any advice or encouragement would be great. Thank you for taking the time to read.

A little more background on the two of us. We have no kids together, but I have one son from a previous relationship. She cannot have children, and found this out a couple years ago and it really hit her hard. My wife is not a malicious person, but she can be VERY self absorbed and tends to get in trouble with things because she does things on impulse without thinking about how it hurts other people close to her.
 

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Oh poop! From reading other users posts and my own experience on both sides of this fence I can tell you with some certainty that she is in the dreaded fog! She knows she is lying, its illogical that the EA or PA is more important than the marriage but still it goes on. She will fight tooth and nail to defend it and to protect it and you have to expose it for the Worthless Garbage that it really is!

Before that you need to determine how much you are willing to fight because it will be a big one... It always is. There is no point starting it if you can't finish it!
 

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1. Get a VAR and hide it in her car.
2. Go after her text messages on her phone
3. Check her phone records for calls to his phone.
4. If you can get a PI to follow up on her.

That is a start
 

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Start here
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html

Take your time, read this ^. it will help you when other posters start responding, the abbreviations, cheaters script, real remorse, the trickle truth (thats what she's giving you) etc etc.

Also read "Not Just Friends"

She has lied to you after she agreed to be honest with you, she was not trying to protect you from hurt , she was and is protecting her self, she lied and no consequences, Boundaries it's all about boundaries, what are yours?

You can get thru this, but you have to be strong, even when you think you cant, YOU CAN!, it's not the end of the world, really it's not.. even though it feels that way.

I know this will be hard to believe but you have to be prepared to let your marriage go, in order to save it.....

If you do nothing else, do not cry, plead or beg her , it will make you look weak and drive her further away, (think about it)
you can not nice her out of this!!!! no way no how.
 

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Dude, if you can't value yourself how can you want others to value you ?
I'm sorry but your wife now is like this chick you can bang sometimes that wait for a better alternative. I hope I am wrong, but that's the impression I got.
She has some kind of advantages being with you, but being your woman isn't one of them. She's speaking to another guy behind your back and you still are wondering what's going on ?
Be firmer. Believe in your worth and yourself.
Talking to another man while being married to you must be out of the question. What's the matter with you ?
There's no possible acceptable reason for her to have confidential contact with another man while being your wife. No way.

Either she respects you as her husband or she can f*** off and search for other guys and happiness and her true self and her independance and whatever f***** up behavioral portamento.

Only if you see yourself as worthy of respect, she'll give it to you.
 

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Discussion Starter #6 (Edited)
Dude, if you can't value yourself how can you want others to value you ?
I get what you are saying here. When this first happened, I was pathetic. I was begging and crying for her not to leave me. After she looked me in the eyes and flat out lied to me, something changed. I knew that I could leave, and that she made the decision with her actions, I did all I could, and that I deserve someone who treats me with love and respect. She saw the change too. All of a sudden, it's her doing the begging. My torture is how many chances does she get? I truly think she is working hard on making amends. She invites me everywhere when she leaves the house, and when she is out by herself, she is checking in often, asking how I'm doing, and really seems conscious of my hurt. I KNOW I can overcome my trust issues if she quits all the dishonesty and acts like a married person should. My big issue is I think the odds of that actually happening are not that great. I'm torn between wanting to start the healing process without her, and wanting to give it one last real shot, with the good chance that maybe 5 years later, it will all happen again :/
 

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I would stop processing the visa and start a file that has the proof of everything she has done. I am on the fence about whether you should immediately tell her family or not. The only reason is that if you damage her relationship with them then it could be seen as cruel and vengeful. That said you don't have to tolerate continued contact with this person or any other and if she does do it again knowing the consequences then it is her problem! Also the guy should be told what consequences he will face if you find out that he has spoken to her again. Does he still work in your business?? If so fire him immediately!
 

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He no longer works there and she no longer contacts him. That was 5 years ago, and I thought we were mending well until the latest breakdown. When all that went down with the guy at work, her parents found out and really tore into her. Mine also found out and it really made it hard on her to build up all that trust with everyone. This time I'm scared to talk to any family because I don't want to make the healing process harder I decide to give it another shot.
 

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I think the core issue is the single guys are not appropriate buddies for a married woman. Why? because the single guy is looking to hook up - it's what they do.

And please do not dismiss this comment as rambling and paranoid.

What I'm getting at is that single guys, even married ones looking for a hook up DO NOT put time and energy outside work sending emails and chatting with women except if they are interested and are checking out the waters. It's one thing to ask a question or two about something, but if they are chit chatting or talking relationship stuff - then it's cross a boundary.

And the way she signed her email is out of line for a note to a coworker. You don't Love coworkers. It's unprofessional, and saying it only serves to undermine her place on the team, and to signal she is open for offers.

So you do need to be aggressively watching her. Do you have a keylogger that can catch her using an alternate secret email account?
 

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I do not have a keylogger on her laptop, but I suppose it couldn't hurt. There is no way of me monitoring her behavior at work, however, but I guess it doesn't matter... she has slipped up before, I'm sure, if there is anything going on, she'll slip up again.
 

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I do not have a keylogger on her laptop, but I suppose it couldn't hurt. There is no way of me monitoring her behavior at work, however, but I guess it doesn't matter... she has slipped up before, I'm sure, if there is anything going on, she'll slip up again.



since she knows your onto her again? she will just get better at hiding things, taking it underground, making it to harder find and expose/confront.

Do not bury your head in the sand,(like a idiot I did this for months) this will not go away on its own.
 

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Dude, if you can't value yourself how can you want others to value you ?
I'm sorry but your wife now is like this chick you can bang sometimes that wait for a better alternative. I hope I am wrong, but that's the impression I got.
She has some kind of advantages being with you, but being your woman isn't one of them. She's speaking to another guy behind your back and you still are wondering what's going on ?
Be firmer. Believe in your worth and yourself.
Talking to another man while being married to you must be out of the question. What's the matter with you ?
There's no possible acceptable reason for her to have confidential contact with another man while being your wife. No way.

Either she respects you as her husband or she can f*** off and search for other guys and happiness and her true self and her independance and whatever f***** up behavioral portamento.

Only if you see yourself as worthy of respect, she'll give it to you.
Agreed.

Also, if she's saying "love ya'", she shouldn't be, unless it is a mutual friend and she says it in front of you, not in a secret email.
 

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Does she use an internet based e-mail account or through a local ISP (Internet Service Provider - typically a cable or phone company)? If it is the latter, there are two ways you could retrieve her deleted received e-mails, going back for years.

1- If you don't have her e-mail password, demand it. Then set up that e-mail account on your own computer. The server will then download her received e-mails - even previously deleted ones.

2- There is e-mail recovery software that will recover deleted e-mails off her hard drive. The software works particularly well with Outlook or Microsoft based e-mail programs. Get it and use it on her computer.

I would advise using both of the methods. That's how I caught my wife.

Good luck.
 

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Go with your gut I would bet your are on the money with it. You need to install a keylogger, var and look at FB and her emails and do it soon

Once they have cheated once it is easy for them to do it again.
 

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We have an email through our ISP, but we do it online and not through a program such as outlook. I have access to her password, but not sure how to recover deleted emails.
 

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We have an email through our ISP, but we do it online and not through a program such as outlook. I have access to her password, but not sure how to recover deleted emails.
I would try using an e-mail program like Outlook on your computer. Enter her e-mail account settings and password just as if you were setting up a new e-mail account. The e-mail server should download her received e-mails, even if they were deleted. It's certainly worth a shot IMHO.
 

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I am forever surprised at the lengths people will go to to tell themselves that their spouses couldn't/wouldn't/shouldn't do what their lying eyes are telling them they're doing. Fear is a huge motivator & it's terrifying to think of life without your mate. So people go into stealth and strategy mode to find out information that will help them to the truth. This is usually a truth that they already know, but are too afraid to believe.

I think the truth is that your wife, in a different incarnation, would care whether you are hurting or not. I think she is completely selfish now, though, and is not directing any of her humanity your way. Where you are concerned, the shutters have come down.

I think you should gather your evidence, tell her directly what you know, accept that she's not the person you'd hoped she was, and take care of yourself. Be as selfish as she is because you need to be confident enough to know that you have a life ahead of you that is all yours. She doesn't get to grant you happiness by giving you her favors.

Ironically, if you act like you're moving on confidently, she will be interested again. Then what do you do?
 

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I am forever surprised at the lengths people will go to to tell themselves that their spouses couldn't/wouldn't/shouldn't do what their lying eyes are telling them they're doing. Fear is a huge motivator & it's terrifying to think of life without your mate. So people go into stealth and strategy mode to find out information that will help them to the truth. This is usually a truth that they already know, but are too afraid to believe.
Yes, I've went through this in my mind 1000 times. If this were happening to someone else, it would be obvious me, but the emotional and physical attachment to her clouds everything. I know that if I knew the whole truth, theres a great chance I'd be so disgusted that I'd run out and never look back. However, I have been pretty frank with her recently and she does seem sincere. I now know I have a limit, and thats a good thing. She knows that it is 100% over if I find ANY kind of behavior that I (not her) consider inappropriate. I am in control now, and that makes me feel better. I will give it one last shot, because I really do love her with all my heart, but I will not continue as a doormat. The posts here have helped much on my perspective and confidence.
 

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Sounds like your wife is about to "upgrade" and replace you, so why don't you upgrade yourself and decide whether you want to keep her for YOURSELF without sharing. She's living in a fantasy candy land, she will not realize this unless she wakes up from her dream world, she needs a reality check. This coworker does not want her, he'll throw her where the trash belongs if she leaves you for him. Remember once you become better at respecting yourself and knowing that you deserve better you will realize that after this fact you deserve even MORE.

Might I suggest an always good solid investment. Invest a little more time on yourself, advance your career, your health, manage your stress by having a super healthy diet loaded with vitamins & minerals, exercise (super sets). What most people do not realize is that they are burnt out, physically & mentally and it takes months to years to stabilize, but the healthier you are the better you can cope and manage stress and have a clear mind for better, reliable discernment and judgement for any situation.

Have a conversation and allow NO ROOM for gas lighting, mushroom treatment, minimizing. This is real, and it is real bad, and she needs to realize that you WILL not tolerate any INAPPROPRIATE AND UNNECESSARY contact with ANY coworker.
She should be dedicated to you as you are to her.
She should only be open to you because you are her husband. She cannot speak her mind to any man (besides her brothers and fathers) except for you.
She can only complain about you to...YOU.

After you set the boundaries, you expect her to set her boundaries at work. Focus on yourself, think before you speak, always reflect on your actions at the end of the day, "did I act in a proper way today, in any situation did I act a certain way that I should not have, how should I have acted?"

Keep verifying that she keeps a "no contact" after she hand writes a letter informing her co worker that all inappropriate and unnecessary contact be put to a halt. She will more than likely take it underground but that is where you get smarter and include VARs and key loggers. If she relapses there are some steps for that as well as all cheaters follow a script so do you have a set of options to follow through.

All the while focus on yourself and do not be sweet, do not be loving, do not try to nice these cheaters back, it only makes it worse. She cheats and you cheat her nicer, well if that happened to anyone I think they would cheat more and more explicitly so they're retarded BS (betrayed spouse) can be NICER and less demanding.

Read her actions because actions speak louder than words.
 
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