[Anonymous93]

My h has asked me many times why i love him. I've never answered that question. And that's what i need help with. My answers would have always been along the lines of "because you make me happy" or "you make me laugh", always in relation to what he does for me or how he makes me feel. I know if i'd ever answered his question with something like that he would have told me that i don't love him, i love the idea of him. Is he right? And if so, then why am i so hurt, sad and upset at the thought of him leaving me?

I want to be able to answer his question and not have any doubts about those being valid reasons for loving someone, if in fact they are valid. If not i'm beginning to realize that i need to face it in order to have the best life i can after divorce.
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[mrsball]

I am on the other side of this conversation, I ask my husband why he loves me and he can never answer. He might say, 'I'm no good at that stuff' or 'I'm too tired to think of something' or if I catch him at a good time he'll say it's because he likes my company. That's it.
If I ask him does he love me, he says 'Of course I do' so I ask him how would I know if he never tells me and never shows me, he says I should just know that he does and that's the end of the conversation.
It's difficult, because I tell him why I love him, things I love about him, things he does that I love... I have always tired to keep up the idea that you should do or say one thing each day to show your partner that you love and appreciate them. But when you don't get that back, or don't get a satisfactory answer it can leave you feeling a bit hollow, or a bit abandoned.
But that's just my experience.

 

[Caribbean Man]

I may be wrong, but I believe if one could logically explain why they love someone, then they don't really understand love.
There is nothing logical or reasonable about love.

Love is an emotion,something you feel, not something you think.
Love does not need a reason to exist.

 

[Anonymous93]

THANK YOU both for your responses. I was beginning to think no one would respond.

Mrsball, if your husband told you he loved you because you love him, would that be a satisfactory answer for you?

CM, I wish i could say that to my h, but i know that he would disagree. He's been asking me that question since the beginning and i've never had an answer for him. He's a very logical person and everything has to have a reason.

 

[Mavash.]

There is no way to answer this question. Love should not be defined based on some defined trait or behavior.

I'm with CM if you can explain this feeling logically then you truly don't get it.

 

[mrsball]

I don't think it is about asking for a 'logical' explanation. I think it is about being able to express whatever it is that you feel, in any way you can. Being willing to try.

If my H said he loved me because I love him... I don't know how that would make me feel. I think when I ask this question, I want to know if there is something about me that is loved or lovable, this feels more like I am only worthy of love because of him?

In my experience, when you are asked that question, just think a little deeper about it. You said you might tell your H that you love him because he makes you happy - what are some of the things that he does or things he says that make you happy? And if you want to, think about the traits that these display. Could be something little, like the way he laughs at your jokes even when he's heard them a hundred times (HUMOR), or the way he refills your drink at dinner without you asking (THOUGHTFULNESS). Could be big things like the way you can talk with him about what is going on in your heart or your head and he listens (UNDERSTANDING, COMPASSION, RELIABILITY, COMPANIONSHIP, ETC), the way you work towards some big goal together (DEPENDABLE).

I can't speak for your husband of course, but when I ask, that's all I want to hear ^_^

 

[Anonymous93]

" If my H said he loved me because I love him... I don't know how that would make me feel. I think when I ask this question, I want to know if there is something about me that is loved or lovable, this feels more like I am only worthy of love because of him?"

What if he told you that he loves you because of the way you love him? In essence it boils down to what you expressed in the next paragragh. But what if he can't express those specific things in words?

I love you because you love me.
I love you because you make me feel loved.
I love you because you do such & such for me. (Listen, refill my glass at dinner, etc.)

The bottom line is they're all the same thing, just expressed differently.
What if he can't pinpoint any one thing? What if he just loves everything about you? If he said that would you want specifics?

One more thing, would it make a difference to you if said "i love you because your thoughtful", as opposed to "i love you because you think of me"? VERY subtle difference there, but one that might make a huge difference.

(I reaaly hope i'm not coming across as argumentative. It's actually really helping me to have this discussion and to see things more from his point of view.)
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[Anonymous93]

THANK YOU mrsball! Thank you so much. I knew i loved my h and i knew why, i just didn't know how to express it to him in terms i knew he would understand. Now i do.

I was righ, i do love him because he loves me. But after typing out my post above i realized that (as an example) one of the ways i feel loved is when he helps me with dinner so i can say i love you because your helpful.

You have no idea how helpful this was and how grateful i am. Again, thank you so much.

I am more than willing to keep the conversation going if there's any other perspective you'd like to look at.
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[Henri]

My wife and I ask one another this question a lot. Funny enough it takes practice because you have to think about it and find reasons. I found it really hard at the start.

Finding reasons for love doesn't mean the reasons aren't true, it means that one has to think differently, considering the other person's reaction to your words then actually express them (tone and timing). It is good practice I think because it makes one another more considerate and compassionate when speaking or choosing words to communicate feelings (using words to express feelings are hard for some people, especially men). This helps later when it is time to communicate other feelings e.g. about sex or lack of it, or jealousy.

My point is that I think you should keep at it, and not be distracted by either one of you finding it difficult. I am not expert, but I am glad we do it every so often

 

[mrsball]

Thank YOU for helping me, in some way, to see why it may be difficult for my H to put in to words what he is thinking or feeling. It helps me to think that, rather than thinking that he just doesn't love me if he can't tell me why.
Your question also made me think about the subtle differences in the way things are said and interpreted. I should probably start accepting more of what he says on face value, rather than analyzing it and thinking of how I would have said it, or what I wished he would say instead!
I think that has been a good conversation for both of us, opening our eyes into our partners' world. So again, thank YOU ^_^

 

[SimplyAmorous]

Couldn't help myself... had to add some quotes, LOVE is the most awesome Power man has tried to tame.... it doesn't make sense many times, we can't stop it -even when it seeks to destroy us - if it goes astray.

It involves our minds, our

's, our hormones, our senses....some of us

to be "in love", it steadily keeps us on an emotional "high". It is something you feel Deeply... but struggle to put into words many times , it can be expressed in so many ways, how does one do LOVE "justice" in mere words.

Love is like a friendship caught on fire. In the beginning a flame, very pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. As love grows older, our hearts mature and our love become as coals, deep-burning and unquenchable. ~Bruce Lee

Love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image... otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them. ~Author Unknown

Love is the doorway through which the human soul passes from selfishness to service and from solitude to kinship with all mankind. ~Anonymous

Love is not simply a feeling of romantic excitement; it is more than a desire to marry a potential partner; it goes beyond intense sexual attraction; it exceeds the thrill at having “captured” a highly desirable social prize. Real love is an expression of the deepest appreciation for another human being; it is awareness of his or her needs and longings- past, present and future. It is unselfish, giving and caring. ~Dr. James C. Dobson

Love is a tender plant; when properly nourished, it becomes sturdy and enduring, but neglected it will soon wither and die. ~Hugh B. Brown

Love is missing someone whenever you're apart, but somehow feeling warm inside because you're close in heart. ~Kay Knudsen

Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. ~The New King James Version Bible

Love means exposing yourself to the pains of being hurt, deeply hurt by someone you trust. ~Renita Weems

 

[moxy]

Instead of trying to quantify or qualify or define your love, why don't you try to look at it from a different angle....just try to sense it.

• What about your husband delights you?

• What are some of his traits or qualities that you find endearing or adorable?

• Let's say someone were to describe your husband in an anecdote and, in the story, that person were describing his mannerisms or typical responses to things that were part of the story; what descriptions or attitudes would make you smile and think "yeah, that's him alright"?

• What does he do that makes you feel proud of him as a person?

• What about him really turns you on and excites you?

• You say that he makes you happy; what about him makes you happy? Just his presence, the way he walks into a room, the way he considers you and therefore demonstrates compassion and kindness in the process?

• What pleases you about him?

• What drew you to him in the first place?

• If you close your eyes and think back to when you first got married or when he proposed, what kinds of things did you imagine for your life together and in those moments, what qualities or traits of his really stood out to you?

Love can be inexplicable, it can be resilient and stubborn and illogical, it can be wild and impossible, or it can be quiet and certain and calm. Love can be the sturdy feel of his arm around your waist or his shoulder as you lean your head against it, it can be the certainty that he will be beside you when you sleep, it can be the uncertainty that he will be there when you wake up, or just the sound of his breathing filling your bedroom in the middle of the night when you wake from a nightmare. Love can even be the predictability of anger or demand or disapproval, or the simple way in which he knows just what you mean when you use a certain turn of phrase, the way he intuits what response to give a question or a complaint, the way he knows what kind of sugar you take in your tea, or your dedication to keeping his moods at bay. Love can be the touch of his hands on your face or the silence when he is pleased. You can't look for a logical explanation. You have to look for an emotional explanation.

You feel love, you don't understand love or rationalize it...and if your experience of love is rationalization, why rationalize this above all other things in the world on which you could justify spending your energy? There's where you'll find your answer.

 

[Anonymous93]

Mrsball i wanted to post one more thing that might help you. You might change your question to get the answer you want. Instead of asking "why do you love me" maybe you could try asking "what do i do for you that you like(or love)". (Or is there something specific i do that you love). If he says he likes it when you (as an example) give him hugs, you can respond with "so you love me because im affectionate". At least thats the way the conversation goes in my head.

This does several things. It gives him the opportunity to tell you what he loves about you, you give him the words your looking for (maybe over time he'll start saying those things to you). And as a bonus you can find out what specifically he loves you to do. Because honestly, if he said that he loved you because your affectionate that could be hugs or time in bed or cuddling on the couch.

One more thing, i was rereading your original post and caught that you dont seem to feel that he shows his love for you. This can work both ways. Instead of telling him you love him cause hes affectionate tell him specifically that you want a hug from him every day after work and that it makes you feel loved. If you give him one very specific task its more likely to get done than if you said something like i wished youd hug me more often. Dot know if itll work but its worth a shot.

To everyone else that responded, thank you. I really appreciate all the responses and seeing all the different points of view.
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[southbound]

I may be wrong, but I believe if one could logically explain why they love someone, then they don't really understand love.
There is nothing logical or reasonable about love.

Love is an emotion,something you feel, not something you think.
Love does not need a reason to exist.

I agree. Whenever i think of why I love someone. it's just a feeling that i can't really put into words. It's not because they do some physical act, but it's just a connection of the heart like no other.

I'm sure guys are reluctant to answer, too, because they know their answer to questions like this is never going to be what the wife was looking for. When my x wife was wanting a divorce, she was trying to convince me that i wasn't really happy with our marriage either and she asked, "why are you happy?" I honestly don't remember my response, but I do remember that it wasn't what she was looking for. Imagine that.

 

[mrsball]

Thank you once again, Anon.

Your advice is helpful, and really, I have tried everything. H is kind of clueless when it comes to women and when anything else is going on (we have quite a few problems atm) attention, affection, etc is the first thing to go.

But I think he's worth it, so - for now at least - I am sticking it out

 

[KathyBatesel]

Ask yourself "why" and "how" questions.

"How does he make me feel happy?"
"Why do I feel happier around him?"
"How does he make me laugh?"

Does this mean you love the idea of him? That's an absurd statement, in my opinion! I've known people to be "in love with the idea of love," where anyone can be a stand-in for their partner, but nobody can be in love with an idea of who a person is and not love the person!

Some general truths about why we love someone might work. Some good ones were mentioned already, but I'll add "I love you because I like myself better because of you."

 

[meson]

Quote:
Originally Posted by Caribbean Man
I may be wrong, but I believe if one could logically explain why they love someone, then they don't really understand love.
There is nothing logical or reasonable about love.

Love is an emotion,something you feel, not something you think.
Love does not need a reason to exist.
I agree. Whenever i think of why I love someone. it's just a feeling that i can't really put into words. It's not because they do some physical act, but it's just a connection of the heart like no other.

I'm sure guys are reluctant to answer, too, because they know their answer to questions like this is never going to be what the wife was looking for. When my x wife was wanting a divorce, she was trying to convince me that i wasn't really happy with our marriage either and she asked, "why are you happy?" I honestly don't remember my response, but I do remember that it wasn't what she was looking for. Imagine that.

CM and SB are correct it is a feeling that is a summation of all of that you know of a person. Spending time trying to quantify this will probably be counterproductive especially if you are looking for particular answers. I like to question everything and I have spent a lot of time considering why myself. Any why answers I came up with did not really account for it all and they seem to change. Then I realized you know love more by it's effects than it's causes.

Its a feeling, accept it and return it if you feel it also.

 

[Ten_year_hubby]

Am I just plain old fashioned for suggesting that we took a vow to love our partner when we got married and we are people of our word?

 

[EnjoliWoman]

Although I recognize the feeling, there are certainly attributes about him that contribute to that feeling or without I would not have the feeling of love.

I love that he is kind, funny, reliable and smart. I respect his devout beliefs and his level of commitment to everything he undertakes.

He makes my heart ache whenever he is feeling hurt. He makes my heart swell with happiness because he is genuinely interested in my daughter.

I love the way he makes me feel special when he touches me as if he's trying to memorize every curve of my body.

I love how he gently cups my face when kissing me goodbye.

Some are feelings, some are traits and some are actions but they all roll into a smile every time he texts, a joy in my heart whenever I get to be with him and fear in the pit of my stomach whenever I don't hear from him for too long and he seems distant.

 

[EnjoliWoman]

Am I just plain old fashioned for suggesting that we took a vow to love our partner when we got married and we are people of our word?

I think we CAN choose to love... to an extent. More like we choose to be a loving partner and cultivate that feeling for a lifetime. But I don't think just promising it makes it so.