[travellover]

I’ve been making myself crazy trying to monitor what my WS is doing. This has been going on since I originally confronted him in July and progressed to him finally admitting in October that he was flirting with the OW (after I showed him the text messages I found). When I asked him why, he said he didn’t know why he was doing it. I don’t believe for one second that this was just a harmless flirtation. Since the original confrontation, he has only gotten more secretive. I sent her a FB message telling her to stop calling and texting my husband. I told him that it was not acceptable to continue to talk and text with her. I knew that he was still talking and texting with her and probably in person contact since he has the opportunity to see her at work. Whenever I tried to talk to him about our problems he would leave the room, leave the apartment, anything to avoid discussing our marriage. This was his usual way of reacting whenever I wanted to discuss something. Last Monday morning, I was done. I walked in when he was creating a new email address. When I asked what it was for, he said he didn’t know he just wanted one. This is someone who previously needed my assistance with email. He also joined FB after years of saying how stupid it was and I realized that he had been on craigslist looking at women seeking men ads (although he doesn’t know that I’m aware of this). I read about the 180 and started working on doing it. I told him that I wasn’t going to be asking where he was. I said I was done looking at the cell phone bill to monitor the calls and texts. It’s very freeing when you make the decision to stop the spying. I’m starting to feel much less emotional and angry. I can see the importance of focusing on being happy and healthy whether he’s in my life or not. Throughout this time, he has continued to constantly ask me for sex. When I said no, he actually said oh I thought we were moving past that stuff. Now he’s acting somewhat indifferent. On to my questions.

Question #1
How can he possibly think that I would want to have sex with him, especially when he’s unremorseful and still in contact? :scratchhead: I would love some feedback from anyone who’s experienced anything like this.

Question #2
He has two daughters who are 18+ that I have been very close to for almost 15 years. I have a wonderful relationship with both of them, but it’s getting more and more difficult to try to act “normal” when they are around. They both have no idea of what their Dad has been doing with this OW. They have seen some things in our relationship which have caused them to ask why Dad is always calling me, why he seems in such a bad mood all the time, how jealous he would act when I was not at home, even if I was with them. Last week my older stepdaughter asked me how things were with her Dad. I said they were ok and changed the subject. I don’t want to do anything to hurt their relationship with their Dad, but we’ve always had an honest relationship and I don’t want to continue letting them think that everything is ok when it’s not. Would anyone like to offer some opinions on how best to proceed with my stepdaughters?

Question #3
Why continue the charade that he loves me. He has said that he does, but obviously I don’t believe him. Is he just in the Fog I keep reading about, is he staying with me as a backup?

Any thoughts would be appreciated.

 

[Chris989]

Hi,

Did the VAR turn anything up?

 

[travellover]

Unfortunately, I put it in his car last Monday which was the day I decided to do the 180. The VAR didn't record anything at all so I'm guessing that I would have needed to put it on manual record. I haven't tried it since.

 

[PHTlump]

Question #1
How can he possibly think that I would want to have sex with him, especially when he’s unremorseful and still in contact? :scratchhead: I would love some feedback from anyone who’s experienced anything like this.

It's classic cake eating. The only thing better than having sex with one woman is having sex with two women. He's just being selfish. It's not uncommon.

Question #2
He has two daughters who are 18+ that I have been very close to for almost 15 years. I have a wonderful relationship with both of them, but it’s getting more and more difficult to try to act “normal” when they are around. They both have no idea of what their Dad has been doing with this OW. They have seen some things in our relationship which have caused them to ask why Dad is always calling me, why he seems in such a bad mood all the time, how jealous he would act when I was not at home, even if I was with them. Last week my older stepdaughter asked me how things were with her Dad. I said they were ok and changed the subject. I don’t want to do anything to hurt their relationship with their Dad, but we’ve always had an honest relationship and I don’t want to continue letting them think that everything is ok when it’s not. Would anyone like to offer some opinions on how best to proceed with my stepdaughters?

You really can't protect them. And it's not their business. A marriage is between two people, not four. If you divorce your husband, you can tell them why. But they don't need to know the specifics of what is happening between you and your husband.

Question #3
Why continue the charade that he loves me. He has said that he does, but obviously I don’t believe him. Is he just in the Fog I keep reading about, is he staying with me as a backup?

There are a few possibilities. It is possible that he loves you. Some WS just refuse to think about the pain their actions cause. They can rationalize that an affair won't be a big deal.

It's also possible that he doesn't love you. In that case, he's telling you he does so that he can stay married to you. He may want to do that to have sex with you, in addition to the OW. He may want you to help raise his daughters. They probably won't respond well to the OW. He may want you as a backup plan until he's secured a commitment from the OW.

 

[travellover]

You really can't protect them. And it's not their business. A marriage is between two people, not four. If you divorce your husband, you can tell them why. But they don't need to know the specifics of what is happening between you and your husband.

I know that I can't protect them, but I want to minimize their pain as much as possible. Even though I'm a stepmom, I love them as if they were mine.

There are a few possibilities. It is possible that he loves you. Some WS just refuse to think about the pain their actions cause. They can rationalize that an affair won't be a big deal.

I'm starting to wonder if my husband is capable of actual love. I obviously thought so at one time, but when I look back what I see is possessiveness and a need to control.

He may want you as a backup plan until he's secured a commitment from the OW.

This is a possibility. I'm positive my husband can not handle being alone.


Thanks for your comments

 

[PHTlump]

I know that I can't protect them, but I want to minimize their pain as much as possible. Even though I'm a stepmom, I love them as if they were mine.

I understand, but I don't think telling them any specifics would help anything. You and your husband will either reconcile, or divorce. If you reconcile, I don't think spelling out exactly what trouble you're facing will help your stepkids long term. You can just tell them that you went through a rough patch, but you're back on track now.

If you divorce, I still don't think being brutally honest accomplishes anything. I think they will probably be less traumatized if you tell them that you just grew apart than they would be if you told them that their father was cheating on you.

I'm starting to wonder if my husband is capable of actual love. I obviously thought so at one time, but when I look back what I see is possessiveness and a need to control.

Many waywards project their own motivations on their spouses. He figures that, if he was out of contact for a few hours, he would be working on getting laid, so you must have been as well.

I'm positive my husband can not handle being alone.

That may give you an advantage in this situation.Fear of being alone can be a good motivator for changing behavior.

Good luck.

 

[travellover]

I understand, but I don't think telling them any specifics would help anything. You and your husband will either reconcile, or divorce. If you reconcile, I don't think spelling out exactly what trouble you're facing will help your stepkids long term. You can just tell them that you went through a rough patch, but you're back on track now.

If you divorce, I still don't think being brutally honest accomplishes anything. I think they will probably be less traumatized if you tell them that you just grew apart than they would be if you told them that their father was cheating on you.


Many waywards project their own motivations on their spouses. He figures that, if he was out of contact for a few hours, he would be working on getting laid, so you must have been as well.


That may give you an advantage in this situation.Fear of being alone can be a good motivator for changing behavior.

Good luck.

PHTlump,

I truly value the feedback. I would NEVER tell my stepdaughters anything about what happened. I just know that he usually chooses the easiest path and that would be the OW. The girls are pretty smart. They would probably figure it out. One if my biggest fears is that my husband would try to make them feel guilty if they if they stay in my life. I know I have some things to go through before this gets resolved. I'm just grateful to have a place like this to vent and ask questions. Sounds like you may have personal experience with some of this stuff. If you do or did, I hope you are in a good place now
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[PHTlump]

I would NEVER tell my stepdaughters anything about what happened.

I agree. But many on these boards recommend telling the truth, even to young children that would be traumatized by it. I don't see any value in being that truthful to kids, of any age.

I just know that he usually chooses the easiest path and that would be the OW. The girls are pretty smart. They would probably figure it out. One if my biggest fears is that my husband would try to make them feel guilty if they if they stay in my life.

I understand being worried. But, if you divorce, and even if you don't, you can't control your husband. He's going to do whatever he wants. All you can control is what you do and how you react to him. If he tries to cut the kids out of your life, you will have to deal with that when it happens. Fortunately, they're old enough that they can choose for themselves.

I know I have some things to go through before this gets resolved. I'm just grateful to have a place like this to vent and ask questions. Sounds like you may have personal experience with some of this stuff. If you do or did, I hope you are in a good place now

I'm glad we can help. My marriage was in a crisis a few years ago. Luckily, my kids were young enough that they were clueless. We're much better today. But I, too, found these boards invaluable. So that's why I stick around and try to help others.

Good luck.

 

[CandieGirl]

What steps have you taken to end this affair?

 

[travellover]

What steps have you taken to end this affair?

When I first suspected, I showed up unexpectedly after work to visit my husband. The OW was sitting next to him at an ourdoor gathering at the workplace. I walked up to her, introduced myself as the wife and then basically walked away. Huge fight with my husband that night. Him denying that there was anything going on and me not believing him. I told him that it was unacceptable to continue to text/call her. The calls/texts disappeared from our cell bill for a little bit, but then reappeared. I told him again that he must not have contact. He started having contact with her on his work phone, which I found with inappropriate texts on it. He still claims it was innocent flirting. I think the term is trickle truthing or something like that. I sent her a FB message to stop texting and calling my husband. I caught him setting up a new email address last Sunday-this is someone who hates email. I happened to have a chance to look at this phone (almost never happens) and he had been looking at Craigslist ads for women seeking men. I started trying to do the 180 at the beginning of this week. It really has helped me feel more calm, almost relived. I have contemplated sending FB messages to her friends.