Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 13 of 13 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
79 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I am not a poet, my strength lies in prose. But heartache seems to lend itself more to poetry. This is my second attempt to capture some of my pain, but I feel like I started to channel Dr. Seuss instead. A very sad, heartbroken Dr. Seuss. I welcome feedback. Thanks.

Push a little deeper if you would
Twist a little harder if you could
I need you to keep stabbing if you have strength left
Don't stop slicing til my heart in two is cleft
Stomp on it with your spiked heel
Stomp on it with your spite
I no longer want to feel
So stomp with all your might
Why won't it die, why must I love?
My heart stays alive, praying to up above.

She is still lying, she is still a cheat
She keeps pretending that life is tidy and neat.
She promises forever to me, to get me to smile,
But she doesn't come close, not even a mile.
She says, "I love you, I am going to change,
Keep being good to me and in exchange
I will pretend to love you, but don't you forget
There is another, and my heart is set.
I will love him, but with you I will stay,
Until I am sure that my life with him is ok,
Then when my new life is completely set,
I will stub you out like a used cigarette.
I guess I should thank you for getting me here,
But thats not my style, I am not that sincere.
It is your fault that you loved me, it is not mine
I've only cared for myself the very whole time.
You should have learned that long ago,
I don't love you, and you should know
People only change when there is a need
But why should I change when you keep feeding my greed?
You have given me everything for free, I didn't need to steal
You asked for nothing back, man what a deal.
I found something better now, so please go away,
Doesn't matter how I found him, he's here to stay.
I do what I want, not what I should or ought,
You aren't good enough anymore, definitely not.
You've taught me alot of your relationship know how,
I'll put them into place, but not with you, not now
Rebuilding a marriage with you is much too hard,
I'll start over fresh, with someone who's not scarred.
You've run out of usefulness, you've nothing of value left
If I had a heart, I'd feel sorry, but it seems I'm bereft."

Are you finished yet, how much longer?
If you don't kill it quickly, hope will get stronger.
My heart aches to reach out to yours
To ask for peace and and end to these wars.
Come back home, give a little back,
Soon our loves ledger will be in the black.
All the doubt you had will be erased,
You can cleanse your soul that you have debased.
Happiness and wholeness are within reach
Life can really be like a day at the beach.
If you cannot, will not, accept my hand,
Please end my misery, my happiness now damned.
Twist harder the dagger you have placed in my heart
Stab deeper again, try another part.
Somewhere must be the spot you must break
To end all my suffering, my endless heartbreak.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
6,621 Posts
Wow BF

That’s hard to read. So much pain but I hope it help you to get it out there. Your wife by this description does not deserve your support or love. Do you still have hope? Is she that shallow and insecure that she must pursue this other man to make sure he’s the right one before she moves on? If he is not will she seek another? I feel for you man, she is not treating you as you should be treated, let alone respected. Keep your confidence up and pray for guidance in this process. Bless
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
108 Posts
WOW. sitting through the poem was just pulling at my heart. your pain comes across very clear. i hope things work out for you. damn. not for nothing but dr seus your not. that was a great poem. keep up the good work.
by the way have you shown her the poem. maybe reading it she will understand the pain your going through that was very easy for me to see.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
79 Posts
Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Amp,

I, as always, appreciate your words of compassion. I am afraid that an episode last night may taken the last bit of strength that I have left.

At this point, yes she still loves this other guy enough that she won't let go. She hasn't found it in her to leave me for him, but she has made no attempts to stop talking to him. What it amounts to now is that there is so much guilt welling up inside her that she just wants to run away. Rather, she wants me to go away. Last night I came home with dinner and flowers to find her passed out in bed from alcohol and sleeping pills. She was ok and didn't have to go to the hospital, but as our entire marriage has been, she relied on me to take care of her but she reached out to the other guy, her boss, and her father for love and support.

She read Mort Fertel's book on marriage (a fantastic read) and instead of seeing a way to salvage our relationship, she saw it as a condemnation of her failures. She wrote a letter to me detailing how she has taken advantage of me for our whole marriage. I gave her my soul, but she could not give me hers. She gave pieces of hers to friends, familiy, coworkers, etc. until there was nothing left for me. She apologized over and over for how rotten she has been to me. But in the end, she doesn't have it in her to make amends, stop her affair and try to rebuild our marriage. She says she wants to want to do the right thing, whatever that means. It is too hard, she says. It is too hard to take responsibility for what she has done and to make it right. She doesn't feel enough for me anymore to sacrifice any of the things she has or wants. If she leaves me or I leave her, she knows I will leave the area and go home to FL. She gets to keep everything I sacrificed for: a townhouse in a nice neighborhood, a great career, a reconnection with her family, plenty of friends, a dog, etc. All she needs to do is replace me with him and boom, no more guilt, no more need to work on the relationship, she can continue on in her life, riding the high of being "in love" with this guy. Worth it or not, she is the one I love. She is in a bad place in life right now. Sure it is her own fault, but it doesn't stop my heart from breaking to see her in pain. I feel pain for two people now.

So basically, Amp I have given up. She wins. I have nothing left in me. I have given so much to her during our 10 year relationship and during her affair that I have nothing left. Each day she is not gone, I have hope, which is why my pain will not stop. I keep praying to a god that I abandoned a long time ago that she will turn it around and come back to me. I guess I am the delusional one now.

You are so blessed that your wife is at least trying. I never asked for her to commit to forever again, I just wanted another chance. I would anticipate that in the next week or two we will begin discussions of a legal separation.

iheartmywife, thanks for your comments. she has not seen this poem, yet. she is in such a weird state right now that i don't know how she will react. last night, during a pretty emotional dialogue, I finally broke down crying. She started screaming at me to stop because I was making her feel guilty. She was actually getting angry at me because I felt so bad.

So basically, my wife is no longer mentally in a state where she can make a rational decision. She has always battled depression and anxiety and now it seems that she has been incapacitated by guilt. She needs psychological help now. I no longer care for myself anymore, I know that she left me emotionally a long time ago, but I am terrified for her. She can no longer face the monster insider her. She is too tired, too weak. I fear what will happen to her.

But she no longer belongs to me. She gave her heart to another man. I will stay around as long as she will let me, but I no longer have the strength or energy to fight for us anymore. I have failed in my bid to save my marriage.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
3,278 Posts
I have failed in my bid to save my marriage.
BrokenFrag,

I am sorry you are at this point. You have shown love and compassion and tried to look at this from many angles to try and save your marriage, but if she is so unwilling to even meet you part way you will just continue to beat a dead horse and lose yourself in the process.

Know that you are a good husband and man. You have a lot to give and it's unfortunate you've not received much in return. If she can continue to seek love and support from everyone but you, it's time for her to seek everything from them so you can pick up the pieces and move forward.

I wish you well going forward, BrokenFrag. Stay strong & keep venting whenever you need to. Many of us here really do care.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
6,621 Posts
So sorry BrokenFrag

I can only imagine how you might feel right now. It must truly be awful to lose all hope. YOU have NOT failed to save your marriage. SHE has refused to give you the chance. You have nothing to feel guilty about at this time. She feels the guilt and she should, it lies solely with her at this point. Looking from the outside I wonder if she is the kind of person that will ever be truly happy with anyone. Anyone that has read my posts will know I will pull for marriage and reconciliation until there is no hope. I will leave you with that final decision but can see you have given this all you have and she has not. I agree with all above that you are being used as a safety net and door mat and you deserve much better. As much as this must hurt now I’m sure you will find happiness in the future with someone both deserving of and wanting your love, support and compassion. I wish you my best and hope you find the strength to get through this one way or the other with you head high. I salute your efforts and commitment.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
79 Posts
Discussion Starter · #7 ·
I appreciate, so, so much all of your thoughts and words of encouragement. I thought I could feel no lower than yesterday, but last night she took me lower.

She sat me down and told me that all the times she told me she had tried to break it off that she lied. She never had the conversations. In fact, she has been physical with him for the past couple months. She has been to his house for make out sessions and last weekend, when I went to see family in Chicago, she invited him into my home. She never had any intention of working on the marriage. She told me that everything would be ok just to get me to stay. My god, she even made me a part of her affair. I have been going shopping with her recently, picking out dresses that enhance her curves, picking out shoes that make her legs look great, and even finding jewelry that ties the whole outfit together. I even helped her pick out intimate apparel that I liked. Now I realize that none of that was for me. It was all for him. I feel like vomiting when I think that she used me to help her look good for him.

She also admitted that when she told me she was upset by how bad she has been to me after reading Mort Fertel's book, she was actually upset because the whole time she was reading it she was thinking about how she could apply those principles to her relationship with her lover.

She left to spend a couple days at her Dad's so she could clear her head. I asked her what for? She says she still hasn't decided and that she needed time away from me. I asked her if she would also suspend contact with her lover, and she said no. I then asked her what she needed to decide. She wants to figure out what she really wants. I asked her if she meant that she was still considering staying with me and she said yes. It was telling me that there is hope for at least another day that is killing me today. I don't know if it is just habit now to get my hopes up by telling me what I want to hear just to rip out what remains of my heart or if she really can't decide.

I just don't see how she would pick me at this point. Slaking her lust with this other man has been so important to her that she has sold her soul and become a monster to do it. She has hurt me more than I thought it was possible to hurt a person, yet she somehow keeps finding a way to do it again. Damn her for giving me hope. I am now primed to be destroyed all over again tomorrow when she comes home and says she is leaving.

Everyone is right. I need to leave. I am just so hopelessly in love with her still. I feel so ashamed that I cannot let go. I feel so pathetic that I keep coming back for more. I have plans, I know things will get better in time, but I am so terrified for it to really be over. No matter what she has done, each day that it isn't over still feels better to me than the prospect of not having my wife in my life anymore.

Well, at this point it feels over. I do have that twinkling of hope, but I think that is just habit now. I appreciate everything from everybody here. It is time to move on. This is just a lesson from life that sometimes bad things happen to good people and that sometimes there just isn't a reason for anything. Pretty terrifying stuff, but true. Hopefully, with time I will find a comfort zone again, because right now I am just wide open.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
3,278 Posts
I just don't see how she would pick me at this point.
Honestly, I don't think that should even be an option for her. She doesn't deserve that choice.

Reading your last post just makes me think back to your original posts where you seemed very strong in your convictions that her having an EA was completely wrong and it needed to stop.

To now see you even considering hanging on while she destroys your heart is so disturbing. Don't lose yourself, BrokenFrag. If she 'chooses' you tomorrow, then what? Continue living in this state where she calls the shots and you wonder if she's still lying and sneaking around?

I think you need to step up and make the choice here whether you truly want to be in this marriage knowing what she's doing and if you really do define what life going forward will be. Status quo is ridiculous and intolerable (IMO) and if there's any hope for rebuilding you will need to have some peace of mind that she's really putting in the effort...she's already shown you what will not work.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
3,278 Posts
She sat me down and told me that all the times she told me she had tried to break it off that she lied. She never had the conversations. In fact, she has been physical with him for the past couple months. She has been to his house for make out sessions and last weekend, when I went to see family in Chicago, she invited him into my home. She never had any intention of working on the marriage. She told me that everything would be ok just to get me to stay. My god, she even made me a part of her affair. I have been going shopping with her recently, picking out dresses that enhance her curves, picking out shoes that make her legs look great, and even finding jewelry that ties the whole outfit together. I even helped her pick out intimate apparel that I liked. Now I realize that none of that was for me. It was all for him. I feel like vomiting when I think that she used me to help her look good for him.

She also admitted that when she told me she was upset by how bad she has been to me after reading Mort Fertel's book, she was actually upset because the whole time she was reading it she was thinking about how she could apply those principles to her relationship with her lover.
:mad:
grrrr....that just makes me so angry.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
124 Posts
A couplet from your poem shines up like a diamond. If I may quote:
"You've run out of usefulness, you've nothing of value left/ If I had a heart, I'd feel sorry, but it seems I'm bereft".
There is your key. Your wife distilled from all your pain, and you have described her dead on. She sounds like such a user, but you have your key. Learn it by heart if you haven't already. When you hear from her again, repeat your couplet like a mantra. She can wheedle all she wants, but you have her real voice dead on.
Your next writing assignment? Start to write about coming back to yourself, regaining your life, your angers and small victories. You'll have lots of hurt to document, you know that already. Time will pass and it will hurt less, then you can start to write about little shiny moments that prove to you that you are coming back to life. Who knows, maybe one day you'll be writing love poems about a woman who really, really loves you. I hope that day comes soon.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
79 Posts
Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Thank you all. As a final update. I finally took a stand, although it destroyed me to do it. I asked her to lunch the day we were going to meet for dinner. I told her that I will believe to my dying day that if she had been willing to work, we could have built something magical, but at this point in our lives and relationships that reconciliation was not possible. I told her that I wanted to say goodbye my way, not hers. If I let her tell me it was over, it would have been about her and him. I wanted to say goodbye as two people who once loved each other very much but could no longer walk the same path anymore. I wanted to end as two old friends trying to find the best way to say goodbye. I think I touched her by doing this and I hope that we can salvage just a hint of what was once a very good friendship.

I am shattered and overwhelmed as I pack up my life and say goodbye to the last 10 years. It is hard to remember any of our good memories as such because of the hurt and the pain, but hopefully, I will look back on the time I spent with her with fondness and maybe even be thankful that I was set free when I was. Although what my wife did was wrong and the manner in which she did it was atrocious, I can recognize that she was trying to seek happiness in the only manner that she could. She just does not have the emotional tools that would have allowed her to make better decisions. I will always hate her for what she did to me, but love her for what little she did give to me.

I hope that I am lucky enough to find another shot at love and marriage because I do have so very much love to give. I am a simple man. I want to love and be loved. I can shoulder whatever else may come.

Thank you all for your wonderful support. I wish all of you well in your relationships.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
6,621 Posts
BrokenFrag

A true gentleman till the end. I can only imagine your pain now. I hope it wanes quickly for you. You have given this your best shot, more than most spouses would. Many of us admire your stock as well as your ability to forgive. You have poured a lot of yourself out here and I hope it has helped. Based on what I have seen you are a man that will find love again and I hope it is with someone as kind, forgiving and committed as your self. Keep in touch and let us know how you are doing. Bless.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
3,278 Posts
:iagree: My best to you BrokenFrag. You are a good man.
 
1 - 13 of 13 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top