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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I thought we were soul mates and in some ways I still do. We are been married only two years. Our second anniversary passed this Sunday. On the same day, I realized that he has been secretly calling other women. Well, I could only see records of the past couple days (the rest if they exist were deleted).

Today, I learned that one of the numbers belongs to an "escort" in the city we recently moved to. Another number belongs to a nice lady who he was trying to get to go out with him for coffee.

He's my best friend. He's a lovely husband. But now I realize that I have been fooled. I don't understand. I feel like any minute I should be waking up from this awful dream. But it is real.

We do not have kids, thank god. But I love him to death, and I will always love him. I'm confused as to what to make of his love for me. I don't know what to feel or do. I either cry or feel numb.

I think he is living two lives. In one life he loves me and he is my best friend and we spend a lot of time together. In his other life, while I "study" (I'm in grad school) he apparently is learning about the big city.

It's very complicated because I am his greencard sponsor, and before anyone makes any charges about that, we madly fell in love before I applied for the greencard for him. We lived abroad for two years.

I felt we were Romeo and Juliet because we were madly in love and yet faced the threat of separation thanks to our mother/father homelands. I'm American and he is Iranian. We met in Dubai and both dropped our lives to live together in Turkey and then Syria so that we could be together.

I've been to Iran, and I adore his family. I have the most wonderful mother-in-law imaginable. I can't imagine losing them as part of my life.

I also have an academic stake in Iran - a country which I became fascinated by before I met my husband. I now have a passport and intend on having a career built on American-Iranian cultural connections. I loved my time in the country and can't wait to go back, most of all to see my husband's family. (I've been studying Persian for about 4 years now.)

My whole world is now but a dream. I thought it was really destiny - us. But now, I don't know what to think. He is clearly keeping secrets. When I blew up at him for calling numbers belonging to random girls without telling me, he apologized but also trying to make it seem less bad than it was. In order for us to "move on" he wanted us to stop talking about it and to forget what happened.

Of course, I can't move on without knowing everything and I investigated the numbers further today. I found out one is a number belonging to a 24 year old escort in the city we live in. I spoke with another woman who he was hitting on who herself had just learned that her boyfriend was cheating on her, and boy does the world now appear to be a very ugly and corrupt place.

Worst of all, I can't just leave him because he has no one else here. He can't legally stay here if we divorce. I know he doesn't want to go back home and will never go through the shame of returning after having divorced me. His family adore me and he worries so much about what his family thinks.

We don't have enough money to live separately and we recently signed a 15-month apartment lease. I'm in my first of two years of graduate school here. How do I keep on living with him knowing that he has betrayed me and probably has more secrets and will continue to do this.

I'm also scared that if I were to divorce him or end it that he would commit suicide. He has nothing if he loses me. I could never live with myself knowing that he ended his life after I ended our relationship because of his cheating. It's all so confusing.

I feel that he may have an addiction or some kind of problem. He is a good person but he keeps too many secrets. I originally got upset with him viewing porn and keeping it secret - him deleting the history and whatnot. I have never not given him sex, although ever since I found him using porn while I was taking a bath (and trying to quickly hide it when I came out of the shower), I've been insecure about sex and now it just feels like a transaction. This has been the case for two months now. We have sex at least every week or two, but it used to be much more.

I don't know what to think. I don't want to lose him. But I don't want to stay married to a cheater if he is going to do it again and I don't see how I can trust him. I am so lost.
 

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What do you mean he has nothing if he loses you? Does he work or do you support him financially?

I'm sorry you married a cheater & a liar. It is devastating to find out the man you thought he was is entirely someone else.

You cannot change, fix or repair him. Maybe hold off on having children until you get this all sorted out.
 

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Sorry this is happening to you.. I would ask for this to be moved to the CWI (Coping with infidelity) section.
There are lots of people there that have dealt with wayward spouses and can give you really good advice.

Whatever happens... you needs to be strong and not do any rug sweeping.. because the pattern will just repeat if you do.

Best of luck.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Thank you for the support. I'll try moving this to the appropriate forum. I'm new here. We talked. I feel better in a vague way just for getting everything out. I talked to my sister and told her everything. He is incredibly embarrassed that she knows, but I think it was fair for me to share the information with one person close to me. Plus this way his behavior has consequences. He's pretty upset about others knowing. That seems harder for him that me finding out.

He still claims he never had sex outside of marriage.

I agree that now is not the time for kids. We do not intend on having children for at least five years - and I hope by then I'm not still struggling with his deceit.

Thank you to you all once more.
 

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I thought we were soul mates and in some ways I still do. We are been married only two years. Our second anniversary passed this Sunday. On the same day, I realized that he has been secretly calling other women. Well, I could only see records of the past couple days (the rest if they exist were deleted).

Today, I learned that one of the numbers belongs to an "escort" in the city we recently moved to. Another number belongs to a nice lady who he was trying to get to go out with him for coffee.

He's my best friend. He's a lovely husband. But now I realize that I have been fooled. I don't understand. I feel like any minute I should be waking up from this awful dream. But it is real.

We do not have kids, thank god. But I love him to death, and I will always love him. I'm confused as to what to make of his love for me. I don't know what to feel or do. I either cry or feel numb.

I think he is living two lives. In one life he loves me and he is my best friend and we spend a lot of time together. In his other life, while I "study" (I'm in grad school) he apparently is learning about the big city.

It's very complicated because I am his greencard sponsor, and before anyone makes any charges about that, we madly fell in love before I applied for the greencard for him. We lived abroad for two years.

I felt we were Romeo and Juliet because we were madly in love and yet faced the threat of separation thanks to our mother/father homelands. I'm American and he is Iranian. We met in Dubai and both dropped our lives to live together in Turkey and then Syria so that we could be together.

I've been to Iran, and I adore his family. I have the most wonderful mother-in-law imaginable. I can't imagine losing them as part of my life.

I also have an academic stake in Iran - a country which I became fascinated by before I met my husband. I now have a passport and intend on having a career built on American-Iranian cultural connections. I loved my time in the country and can't wait to go back, most of all to see my husband's family. (I've been studying Persian for about 4 years now.)

My whole world is now but a dream. I thought it was really destiny - us. But now, I don't know what to think. He is clearly keeping secrets. When I blew up at him for calling numbers belonging to random girls without telling me, he apologized but also trying to make it seem less bad than it was. In order for us to "move on" he wanted us to stop talking about it and to forget what happened.

Of course, I can't move on without knowing everything and I investigated the numbers further today. I found out one is a number belonging to a 24 year old escort in the city we live in. I spoke with another woman who he was hitting on who herself had just learned that her boyfriend was cheating on her, and boy does the world now appear to be a very ugly and corrupt place.

Worst of all, I can't just leave him because he has no one else here. He can't legally stay here if we divorce. I know he doesn't want to go back home and will never go through the shame of returning after having divorced me. His family adore me and he worries so much about what his family thinks.

We don't have enough money to live separately and we recently signed a 15-month apartment lease. I'm in my first of two years of graduate school here. How do I keep on living with him knowing that he has betrayed me and probably has more secrets and will continue to do this.

I'm also scared that if I were to divorce him or end it that he would commit suicide. He has nothing if he loses me. I could never live with myself knowing that he ended his life after I ended our relationship because of his cheating. It's all so confusing.

I feel that he may have an addiction or some kind of problem. He is a good person but he keeps too many secrets. I originally got upset with him viewing porn and keeping it secret - him deleting the history and whatnot. I have never not given him sex, although ever since I found him using porn while I was taking a bath (and trying to quickly hide it when I came out of the shower), I've been insecure about sex and now it just feels like a transaction. This has been the case for two months now. We have sex at least every week or two, but it used to be much more.

I don't know what to think. I don't want to lose him. But I don't want to stay married to a cheater if he is going to do it again and I don't see how I can trust him. I am so lost.
 

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This is of course very complicated, and there are no easy answers. Start with self definition: be clear about your boundaries, and limits to the relationship. Take a very clear position about what you will tolerate and what will happen if this behavior continues.
SUggest intensive couple therapy.
David Olsen, Ph.D, LMFT
 
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