Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 13 of 13 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
2 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
Ok, so I'll try to make a long story short:

I met my wife 5 years ago and she was (and still is) a good, sweet, fun person. We went away for the weekend, fell in love, and got married a year later.

From the VERY first date I realized that we don't talk much, even though I'm a talker and I love to talk to anyone about anything... from philosophy to religion to politics to plane crash investigations. I married her because I thought she was a)fun and b)chilled out (as in did not let things fester or bother her too much). I assumed/hoped that the lack of talking would be replaced by how much fun we had. So we focused on having fun and keeping ourselves occupied; travelling abroad every 2 months, moving houses every year, furnishing the new house, partying every week with friends, friends/loved ones coming over to visit, etc. We've been married 5 years and last year we couldn't travel so it got so silly that we started socializing with friends 5-6 times a week because if the two of us sat alone at home we would have NOTHING to say to each other and ended up watching TV and surfing the Net.

About a year ago we were abroad for my work assignment for 3 months (again, more partying, more travelling, new house) and we met a girl through common friends. She was my age (mid thirties), single, intelligent, well read, and just amazing. She and I hit it off big time, to the extent that the whole gang would be partying and the two of us would be on the balcony just talking. We talked for hours. I just LOVED how it felt to be able to talk to someone for hours, to have met an intellectual/emotional match. We talked about Descartes and architecture and art and science and politics and love and relationships and what not! I was in love!!!

My wife tolerated this at first but after 5-6 such meetings put her foot down and asked that I maintain my distance. We started fighting, with the core issue usually being my wife complaining why a)I ignore her in the presence of this girl and b)why I don't talk to her the way I talk to this girl for hours.

The fights got worse and I secretly stayed in touch with this girl. The fights got even worse and I had a 6-month telephonic emotional affair with this girl. As the fights got worse I also had a 3 day "real" affair with this girl and told her I'm willing to leave my wife for her. This girl eventually dumped me under the premise that she's already very guilty that it's the "right" thing to do since I'm married - she does not want to break up a family. It's a bit too late for her to say this, but that's what she says.

So the issue is I'm

a)in love with this new girl who has since dumped me,
b)am attracted to every girl I can have a conversation with and resent my wife every time I do run into any such woman
c)my wife an I don't talk
d)my wife fights and hates me because she obviously saw how happy I was talking with this new girl and she can't handle it,
e)my wife DEMANDS that I talk to her as well and refuses to understand that some people are just not good to talk to and she's one of those; all our common friends agree that my wife is not a talker; she's great, shes sweet, she's nice, but she's not one with whom one can have a 1-on-1 with for hours
f)because she feels that I've fallen out of love with her, my wife has become *****y and cranky and her whole "chilled out" appeal is lost
g)I don't want to spend the next 30 years of my life not talking - I have an urge to roll the dice and leave my wife and give this other girl a shot.

Friends say we should have children and that will solve the talking problem because kids will bring a lot of new stuff to talk about. I'm not sure; what if we split? Why ruin 3 lives when we can ruin just 2?

We have discussed divorce/separation but are afraid. I'm not sure if leaving my wife because we don't talk is right. I'm also not sure if I end up marrying this other girl (or any other talker), will the conversation remain or will it dry up once we're married and live together?

Just for the record, sex life always was and still is (despite our issues) fantastic.

Sorry, really couldn't keep it short, could I?

Feedback, suggestions, anyone?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
344 Posts
Here is how you can start talking to your wife.
Take her to art exhibits, join a book club with her,show her these architectural wonders in person that you like to talk about.
Make each trip fun AND educational for her.
It's unfair to expect her to be able to converse with you when she is not your "intellectual match."
You need to work on giving her tools to do so.
It seems unfair to complain that she is unable to do so and thn do nothing to help her. She asks why you don't talk with her that way right? So obviously she is wanting and willing.

Did you already resign yourself to not wanting to be with her?
I am no one to judge, I'm just saying that if you have resigned yourself to your marriage not working out, well then it won't.
I mean, you were unwilling to end the affair when she asked you to.
Would you have ended it if she found out about it and the other woman was willing to still play?
At this point, just figure out if you want to work in your marriage or you don't.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2 Posts
Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Zanne,

No, she doesn't know about the affair, but she openly tells me that she thinks I was in love with this girl - she maintains that I had an emotional affair.

We are fighting and discussing separation because my wife says that for 5 years she thought I did not have it in me to have so much fun talking to a woman, and now that she has seen me do it, she wants that. I.e., she wants me to be as interested in long conversations with her that I was with this talkative girl.

As advised, I'm gonna try to do stuff with my wife, which will turn into a nice time maybe with a bit of conversation, but what I need to get out of my head is that thought of how much I enjoyed spending time talking with this girl - I need to stop comparing and I'm sorry and I feel bad about it but I always end up comparing!!!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,388 Posts
don't have kids. Whoever gave that advice should be killed. Does anyone care about the innocent these days?

You have an emotional need for conversation. Your wife cannot meet that.

A happy marriage takes work on all sides... But it has to be built on a foundation of compatibility.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
213 Posts
I agree with Keepin my head up.

If you leave your present wife because she's not talkative enough, I can just about guarantee that you will leave the next one for some other silly reason in 2-5 years.

Man up. Marriage takes commitment and effort to work. Figure out your part in the failure of your marriage and fix it. If you lead your wife will follow.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
66 Posts
A. I would probably be ******y and Irritable if my husband was having an emotional affair with someone else. She has every right to be.
B. Instead of wasting energy on other women, you should be taking that energy and talking to your wife about how much you need to be able to have those conversations.
C. You should have sat her down first and told her how important it was to you. Maybe she didn't realize that it was or maybe she didn't have as much to say about the topics that you picked.
D. Remember, everything new eventually becomes old.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
66 Posts
I agree with Zanne,

Your wife has a right to know how far this affair went and you should give her the opportunity to decide whether she can forgive you and wants to work on it or not.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
761 Posts
I just love how you say NOW that you’re not sure if you should get a divorce or separate, yet you didn’t ask if it was right to start having these "conversations" with this wonderful OW and then the 3 day affair. You should do your wife a favor and divorce her now as I’m sure that you will find other excuses in the future to be physically and emotionally unfaithful. Also as I agree with almostyoung, you will most likely do this with whatever other relationship you end up in. It doesn’t just take your wife to work on the marriage it takes you and you "chose" to seek this OW out. Does your wife know you made love with the OW and that you were willing to leave her? ...... I have a general question for all the cheater’s....... Why does it always take someone else being in the picture before your willing to make a change? If you don’t love the person, why don’t you say I don’t love you and divorce two years before you meet someone else? If you don’t like how they cook say I can’t live with your cooking, if you don’t like their conversation, why can’t you say I can’t live with someone that doesn’t share my interest because I’m to selfish to care about yours.... ha why? why does it take another woman or man to make you see the light?
 
  • Like
Reactions: confused777

·
Registered
Joined
·
40 Posts
As the fights got worse I also had a 3 day "real" affair with this girl and told her I'm willing to leave my wife for her. This girl eventually dumped me under the premise that she's already very guilty that it's the "right" thing to do since I'm married - she does not want to break up a family. It's a bit too late for her to say this, but that's what she says.
I got news for you. What she REALLY means is she didn't enjoy the sex or whatever physical thing it was you guys did together.

Just for the record, sex life always was and still is (despite our issues) fantastic.
Stay together.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8 Posts
...... I have a general question for all the cheater’s....... Why does it always take someone else being in the picture before your willing to make a change? If you don’t love the person, why don’t you say I don’t love you and divorce two years before you meet someone else? If you don’t like how they cook say I can’t live with your cooking, if you don’t like their conversation, why can’t you say I can’t live with someone that doesn’t share my interest because I’m to selfish to care about yours.... ha why? why does it take another woman or man to make you see the light?
Good God, this so reflects on the thoughts that have been going through my head for the last 5 months. I wish my STBXW could read and answer these questions!!!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
496 Posts
I have a general question for all the cheater’s....... Why does it always take someone else being in the picture before your willing to make a change? If you don’t love the person, why don’t you say I don’t love you and divorce two years before you meet someone else? If you don’t like how they cook say I can’t live with your cooking, if you don’t like their conversation, why can’t you say I can’t live with someone that doesn’t share my interest because I’m to selfish to care about yours.... ha why? why does it take another woman or man to make you see the light?
Because people meet someone new and get those butterfly feelings and assume its love. Then those eventually fade with the new person just like they did with their spouse. They continue this and eventually get married divorced multiple times and its always the same excuse. I don't love you. I don't feel it etc. People like this will never be happy and contempt.
 
1 - 13 of 13 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top