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Ive been married for almost 15 yrs. We are both 37 yrs old. We've agreed that I would be a stay at home mom and I currently don't have to work (really have never worked outside of the home)
We met and married really quickly because we fell in love so fast and I also had a 3 yr old. (we now have 3 kids) I loved him and was hot for him for a long time. Then over the past couple of years I just don't find him attractive anymore. Sex with him makes me sick and I have to force myself to do it! I barely ever say No and will normally always give him sex because it's my wifely duty. But, I never want to. He is my best friend and I do love him, I'm just not in love with him anymore. I'm very fit and active now and he isn't. Things that didn't bother me too much like during sex; the snorting sounds he makes or the look of his teeth (which are getting worse and he won't fix) He has also gained weight and has man boobs... I feel so petty and shallow!!
I have thought of leaving him, but since I have supported him and his carrer all these years (he is now an executive) I have NO skills outside of the home and wouldn't be able to support myself. (and of course, I stay for the kids) I feel stuck! And truthfully, I'm not sure that is what I want!
I guess I have resentment for him moving us all over the country for his job over the past several years and now we are finally setteled in a place I love, he has to move us again. I am now refusing to leave and we currently live apart because his job moved him across the country. (l like it, he does not) And he wants us to move asap! It is causing a lot of strife.
Ive been to counceling, but am still confused!! Can you get back that "lovin'" feeling? I'm not so sure!
 

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Would he be able to afford getting his teeth fixed?

Have you suggested that he work out, and if so, what has he said?

If he took care of those two issues (bad teeth and being out of shape), do you think you'd be attracted to him?
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
I did ask him to workout and he does for a bit, then quits because he doesn't like it. He won't go to a gym or get a trainer. He doesn't see anything wrong with his teeth and said if I truly loved him, it shouldn't matter. (We can afford to get them fixed)
As petty as it sounds, it would probably help though.
I see a lot of fit hunky guys in the gym where I go and I can say that I am a visual person! I do get attention from other guys, which I like the attention (but would never act upon; I'm not a cheater).
My hubby is a great guy and treats me very well. (I have him wrapped around my finger) which makes this even harder...
 

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Ive been married for almost 15 yrs. We are both 37 yrs old. We've agreed that I would be a stay at home mom and I currently don't have to work (really have never worked outside of the home)
We met and married really quickly because we fell in love so fast and I also had a 3 yr old. (we now have 3 kids) I loved him and was hot for him for a long time. Then over the past couple of years I just don't find him attractive anymore. Sex with him makes me sick and I have to force myself to do it! I barely ever say No and will normally always give him sex because it's my wifely duty. But, I never want to. He is my best friend and I do love him, I'm just not in love with him anymore.
You're right about one thing, "in love" means you want to have sex with him.


I'm very fit and active now and he isn't.
So, you weren't always fit and active. Now that you are, you're getting attention from other males who are hotter than your H. You've gone down the road of devaluing your husband, first subconsciously and now consciously, so you're well primed for an affair or a divorce. It's a natural thing to happen, but usually around 4-7 years. Ever heard of the 7 year itch. Most likely the reason it's just now happening to you is that you were not as hot as you are now, thus you weren't getting the attention. See, women by nature want to copulate with the fittest available males; it's a biological imperative. I'm a physique/strength trainer, so I know exactly how this works. Your sex rank is going up and his is dropping. Your getting offers, the limbic system takes over from the cortex.

Things that didn't bother me too much like during sex; the snorting sounds he makes or the look of his teeth (which are getting worse and he won't fix) He has also gained weight and has man boobs... I feel so petty and shallow!!
No, you dwelling on all his shortcomings is all part of the process of disengagement from the STBXH. Standard stuff.

I have thought of leaving him, but since I have supported him and his carrer all these years (he is now an executive) I have NO skills outside of the home and wouldn't be able to support myself. (and of course, I stay for the kids) I feel stuck! And truthfully, I'm not sure that is what I want!
Are you talking to one guy in particular or several?

I guess I have resentment for him moving us all over the country for his job over the past several years and now we are finally setteled in a place I love, he has to move us again.
I'm guessing you have a pretty good lifestyle right? I left the big corporate style world at age 43 for the reason that in my organization, you had to move to move up. Took a big hit on the $$.

I am now refusing to leave and we currently live apart because his job moved him across the country. (l like it, he does not) And he wants us to move asap! It is causing a lot of strife.
You don't want to move because you've got a guy(s) on the line locally, or you soon will. Your husband wants you to move because, unless he's a total dumba$$, he figures that's going to happen. He also probably wants sex, but he's not willing to go pick up some strange. Yet.

Ive been to counceling, but am still confused!!
Did you tell the counselor guys were hitting on you and you were eating it up? When you get attention from strange men, you get a dopamine buzz. When you have sex with strange men, you get an incredible crack-like high from PEA, dopamine, norepihephrine, adrenaline, serotonin, and other brain sex chemicals. I don't know where you are on this progression, just talking to guys and soaking up their schtick or if you're actively in an affair. Either way it's highly addictive. This is why it's confusing. BTW, this is a feedback loop where the bigger the dopamine jolt from new guys, the greater the detachment from your H.

Can you get back that "lovin'" feeling? I'm not so sure!
First, quit basking in the attentions of strange men. If you're in an affair already, quit it. Move out to where your husband is ASAP. Tell your H to shape up or ship out. You'll be amazed at how your attitude to your husband changes when he has a 32" waist and a 46" chest, 17" neck, six pack, and 16" arms. Also, have him read a book called "Married Man Sex Life Primer."
 

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I did ask him to workout and he does for a bit, then quits because he doesn't like it. He won't go to a gym or get a trainer. He doesn't see anything wrong with his teeth and said if I truly loved him, it shouldn't matter. (We can afford to get them fixed)
As petty as it sounds, it would probably help though.
I see a lot of fit hunky guys in the gym where I go and I can say that I am a visual person! I do get attention from other guys, which I like the attention
See what I mean? I figured it was at the gym with you flaunting your hot new body. It's only natural.

(but would never act upon; I'm not a cheater).
Okay, you're not cheater, no woman is until she becomes one. Even after they do it, they still hate cheaters, because they aren't really cheating. After all, they're not really married anymore because .... (insert any excuse here). Guys call this her "rationalization hamster."

My hubby is a great guy and treats me very well. (I have him wrapped around my finger) which makes this even harder...
And that's part of the problem. See how the cortex, your rational thought, knows you should stay with him, but your limbic (formerly called the "reptilian") brain is getting cranked by the idea of a hotter guy?

The fact he's wrapped around your finger is actually a turnoff. If he was riding off at night by himself on his chopper to meet who knows who, or having women rape him with their eyes every time the two of you are out together, I guarantee you would not be in this "confusion."
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Yes, us moving has moved him up the corporate ladder substantially. I would say that i am aging more gracefully and do not look my age, but he does...i do like the attention, you are right. But, no, I'm not having affair. I did tell my councilor and she said I shouldn't talk to those guys. I did cut one out and am still friend with the other (he is 10 yrs younger and doesn't see me like that; more like a sister) . Mostly it's just comments and looks from the guys at the gym.
I do know that I'm not all that and I'm lucky to have such a caring man but sometime I feel like our roles are reversed and I'm the man and he's the wife (he likes to share feelings & talk. me... Not so much) which doesn't help the "wanting to have sex with him" problem.
You are probably right, him having that build would help.. I'm so shallow!
 

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Yes, us moving has moved him up the corporate ladder substantially. I would say that i am aging more gracefully and do not look my age, but he does...i do like the attention, you are right. But, no, I'm not having affair.
I'm glad to hear it, but it's probably going to happen unless you realize you're ripe and take steps. Which is why you're here.

I did tell my councilor and she said I shouldn't talk to those guys. I did cut one out and am still friend with the other (he is 10 yrs younger and doesn't see me like that; more like a sister) .
That's what you think. He'd do you. Gladly.

Mostly it's just comments and looks from the guys at the gym.
That's how it starts. Then you're going to get some guy who knows what he's doing (they're out there) and before you even know what happened you'll be having the hottest sex ever. The forbidden kind.

I do know that I'm not all that and I'm lucky to have such a caring man but sometime I feel like our roles are reversed and I'm the man and he's the wife (he likes to share feelings & talk. me... Not so much)
You're 37, your testosterone is as high as it's ever going to be (unless you supplement someday) and you're in the best shape of your life, I'd bet. Your libido should be at it's peak for a couple more years. You're not interested, for hard-wired biological reasons, in a wimpy dude, but you're H has been programmed by society to believe women, that would be you, want a sensitive, caring man, but women don't get wet for those guys in real life.

which doesn't help the "wanting to have sex with him" problem.
Exactly, it makes it even worse. Tell him you're worried about him and have been reading up on the symptoms of low testosterone and he had every one of them. He almost certainly is below 800, which is where you want him to be.

[/QUOTE]You are probably right, him having that build would help.. I'm so shallow![/QUOTE]

Nothing shallow about it. There's a thing called the Golden Ratio that triggers the limbic sexual response in women from all cultures. Your husband doesn't have the golden ratio, but the gym guys do and that automatically, without you even thinking about it, makes them more appealing. However, I promise you if there were a good reason for his crappy body, like an injury or something, you wouldn't feel that way. Your cortex would, hopefully, override your limbic. However, since your H is a lazy a$$ it makes a difference. Plus, he's away.
 

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you most certainly will not get that feeling back being across the country from him. The path you are on is a slippery slope and though you say you won't cheat, it can happen without you meaning for it to. Believe me, been there done that. The longer you stay away from him, the more likely it is to happen. You need to move and have an honest heart to heart with your hubby. Those feelings can return but that means trying when you don't feel like it. Moving around, as you know, is one of the negatives to his job but you get to enjoy all the positives. It's something you will likely have to accept as it is part of the package unless he is willing to take a different job where he doesn't have to move any more for work. good luck with your decision. The grass is only greener where you water it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Not attracted to husband, but husband makes a lot of money and wife doesn't work so she's torn...

lol
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Why is that LOL??? I have supported him his whole career! From him making 10k a year to now... We have move all over the country and left behind numerous friends to go with him.
I don't work because we decided that it is best for our children and when he was making 10k I still stayed at home with the children.

So why again, that I'm concerned that there is no way I can support myself if I left him, Lol??
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
you most certainly will not get that feeling back being across the country from him. The path you are on is a slippery slope and though you say you won't cheat, it can happen without you meaning for it to. Believe me, been there done that. The longer you stay away from him, the more likely it is to happen. You need to move and have an honest heart to heart with your hubby. Those feelings can return but that means trying when you don't feel like it. Moving around, as you know, is one of the negatives to his job but you get to enjoy all the positives. It's something you will likely have to accept as it is part of the package unless he is willing to take a different job where he doesn't have to move any more for work. good luck with your decision. The grass is only greener where you water it.
You are right about that. But we are going to be apart at least until summer (when the kids get out of school).
We do talk and he does come home every month. But when I try to share my feelings he always gets his feelings hurt or it ends in a fight.
I do still have sex with him. He would like it daily when we are together, but understands that is to much for me. I do pretend to like it. But on the inside, I'm NOT enjoying it.
 

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Unless you are getting a divorce, you should move and be with your husband. How overweight is he? It's tough being a nag, but I think you should have the conversation about how important it is for you, for his health, for him to lose weight and get in shape. do it with him. Go with him after work or on the weekends. Play tennis together, jog.

My husband has been needing to lose weight for years, although it has not affected my attraction to him. After a family member our age died (mid 40's) I told my husband that he'd better get into shape and I try to make healthy dinners, and have been making him lunch so he doesn't have fast food, and brought him to my gym to sign up. A big difference is that my husband is on board, but maybe you need to push harder with your husband. He sounds like a good man and a good provider.
 

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Dont cheat, put your self in his shoes and ask yourself how to make him more atractive. Try asking him to go to the gym or work out toguether. Talk to him dont say something that you would regret.
 

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Why is that LOL??? I have supported him his whole career! From him making 10k a year to now... We have move all over the country and left behind numerous friends to go with him.
I don't work because we decided that it is best for our children and when he was making 10k I still stayed at home with the children.

So why again, that I'm concerned that there is no way I can support myself if I left him, Lol??
It's lol because you are only seeing things from your point of view. You've posted nothing yet to show any consideration for how you husband might view the situation.

Who cares if you've 'supported' his career since he made just 10k a year? He's also supported you while you stayed at home with the kids. He's supported you and your child before any of his own biological children came into the picture. He's never asked you to lift so much as a finger outside the house and likely, once the kids are grown an gone, then he won't ask you work outside the house then either. He's been financially supporting you 100%, but you don't give that any credit yet in this thread. Instead, its about how you supported his career.

How did you support his career? Are you saying his career would not have happened if you didn't stay at home with YOUR child while he worked on building his career? How does that support his career? And last I checked, raising kids is a mutal obligation. He went out and earned the paycheck, you stayed home and raised them. He supported you just as much as you supported him. Arguably, considering he took on the financial obligations of your child, he supported you more.

I also find it interesting the timing of this thread. You say you have been together for 15 years and you came into the relationship with a 3 year old. I guess that would make your son 18 now, and ready to leave the house? So you don't need your husbands help to support him anymore huh? Interesting.

So what's the plan? Leave, take him for spousal and child support for his three children he has with you and go find a hard body with perfect teeth to shack up with?

I get that there can be stress from moving, but I also suspect you knew the moves were coming as part of his job, similar to that of a military spouse. It's part of life. Deal with it.

I also agree that your husband should improve his image. That's a big issue, both for sexual appeal and for health.

I think though that what is likely to come of your situation is you will leave, likely straight into another relationship with one of these other men in your life, and continue to enjoy the financial gains from your marriage to your STBXH.
 

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It's lol because you are only seeing things from your point of view. You've posted nothing yet to show any consideration for how you husband might view the situation.

Who cares if you've 'supported' his career since he made just 10k a year? He's also supported you while you stayed at home with the kids. He's supported you and your child before any of his own biological children came into the picture. He's never asked you to lift so much as a finger outside the house and likely, once the kids are grown an gone, then he won't ask you work outside the house then either. He's been financially supporting you 100%, but you don't give that any credit yet in this thread. Instead, its about how you supported his career.

How did you support his career? Are you saying his career would not have happened if you didn't stay at home with YOUR child while he worked on building his career? How does that support his career? And last I checked, raising kids is a mutal obligation. He went out and earned the paycheck, you stayed home and raised them. He supported you just as much as you supported him. Arguably, considering he took on the financial obligations of your child, he supported you more.

I also find it interesting the timing of this thread. You say you have been together for 15 years and you came into the relationship with a 3 year old. I guess that would make your son 18 now, and ready to leave the house? So you don't need your husbands help to support him anymore huh? Interesting.

So what's the plan? Leave, take him for spousal and child support for his three children he has with you and go find a hard body with perfect teeth to shack up with?

I get that there can be stress from moving, but I also suspect you knew the moves were coming as part of his job, similar to that of a military spouse. It's part of life. Deal with it.

I also agree that your husband should improve his image. That's a big issue, both for sexual appeal and for health.

I think though that what is likely to come of your situation is you will leave, likely straight into another relationship with one of these other men in your life, and continue to enjoy the financial gains from your marriage to your STBXH.
Bingo!
 

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If there's anyone who should read Athol Kay's MMSL, it's your husband. He sounds about as clueless as I used to be about this stuff. Also, direct him to the Chateau Heartiste blog. It's eye-opening.

I'm not going to bash you, fourmoreplease; at least you're honest about revealing your thoughts honestly and coming here for advice. Soak up what Machiavelli is saying. Now you know the reason for all that attraction to the guys at the gym. Hopefully you'll put in solid boundaries and never cross that line.

I'd suggest you and husband go to the gym and work out together. That's what my wife and I do. Keeps the predators away.
 

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I think that the negative comments are unnecessary. She came here looking for advice, and it is not like she is denying him sex. She can't help not feeling attracted to her hubby, he should want to get up off of his a$$ and exercise and fix his teeth. When she discusses things he gets his feelings hurt. He should be able to accept constructive criticism from his wife as it may help his marriage.
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