[indiecat]

We are apart almost 3 months. And going for MC and group MC. They Christian counselors say that love is a choice. I"m not convinced. He wants me back desperately. But though I sort of can feel some 'like' there, I can't say I feel love.

We have two kids yet at home. I feel a strong guilty pressure to return for them. I do see dd half time, and son, not so much, he lives at the family home and is busy with school, we mostly text and talk on t




Any advice is greatly appreciated!

 

[KNIFE IN THE HEART]

Indie,

Have you seen a lawyer yet? It might be helpful to know what your rights are with regards to children's custody and ownership of the house.

With regards to going back, I would say if you don't love him, don't go back. You are entitled to having a life full of joy and love. If you go back to him, will you have that? "Love is a choice", I think that works for dealing with people around you, mostly about being respectful and treating others fairly. But between a H and W, you can't force yourself to love someone, especially with the infidelity and lying. Those are big issues that need to be resolved before you can improve your relationship to the point that the love comes naturally.

You will need to really work on your relationship with your kids so they don't feel abandoned by you. It's important to talk with them every day. Try to see them as often as possible. Make sure you know what is going on in their life. Are they old enough to understand why you had to leave? Some counselling might be helpful for you and the children so they can understand your point of view. The most important thing is for the kids to know that you didn't leave because of them and your leaving has not changed how you feel about them.

I hope you are able to find some peace!

 

[indiecat]

Thanks, you are right, I need to focus on my relationship with my kids. Especially my son, since dd is here over half the time.

 

[Mavash.]

In cases like that I believe it's a choice. I can choose to love you from afar where you can't hurt me anymore.

 

[NoWhere]

All things considered love is a choice. In a perfect world if two people can work out their problems and put enough into the relationship love can grow and become very strong between them. However both people have to be committed to the process of forgiveness and devotion. The more you do to show love for another the more 'in love' you will feel. Just my opinion.

Sometimes though the damage done in a bad relationship is just too much to overcome. In moments of anger things can be said that are impossible to forget.

I don't know you and your H's history, but in my opinion, because of the kids and being together so long, I would try and seek counseling and see if your marriage is salvageable. Just be up front with him. Tell him if he lies, cheats or is abusive it will be over for good. Don't think too much about being 'in love' right now. If you two can work out your differences and he loves you enough to work for the marriage the love will come. Again I don't know your whole history so maybe you have tried enough to save the marriage.

 

[daisygirl 41]

Love is a choice.
Doesn't sound like there's much about him to love at the moment though!
As said above, concentrate on your relationship with your children. See if H makes any significant changes first before making any decisions!
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[indiecat]

He's been attending MC with me. And doing all he can to be polite and respectful. Just wish I could feel something, anything, when he comes over to where I am living. I feel that we are co-parents, but not in any way lovers.

 

[NoWhere]

Do you generally get along with your husband? I mean do you guys do things together? When you do things together do you have a good time? Laugh?

It’s nice to have a passionate sexual attraction to someone, but that can be superficial and if you can get back mutual respect and fix all the relationship issues the attraction will come back. After all marriage is companionship. You have to be able to get along and even enjoy each others company and to do that you have to eliminate anything that prevents that. There is no 'being in love' if you ask me you either love someone or you don't. What many describe as 'In love' is really passion, lust, desire. Of course a marriage needs all of that as well.

It sounds like you've lost respect for him and therefore don't desire him, but still love him. Resentment and animosity towards someone can destroy any passion in any relationship. Is the way you two interact now mostly confrontational like a verbal boxing match or tug-o-war? Or possibly both of you feel like the victim of the other. That the other didn’t do what you thought they should do for you or didn’t care enough?

Obviously at one time there was enough love between the two of you to get married in the first place. If the attraction was there then it’s only been obscured by years of fighting or feeling ignored. Etc. People can annoy each other and do things that make interaction difficult. Even most roommates end up at each other’s throats eventually. It’s difficult to live with anyone for extended periods. Marriages will never be perfect and will always have issues, but in my opinion if the communication, respect and commitment is there they can survive. It’s easy to run away or have a affair and just give up on any long term relationship rather then work on issues, but like all things in life the biggest rewards take the hardest work.

Sometimes people get so involved in their own perceived problems and day to day stresses they can lose sight of each other and can grow apart. It’s hard to see the interesting wonderful person they married through the fog of all hatred, resentment and anger caused by years of disputes and perceived grievances .

Most of this I guess is my own philosophy or how I see things. If anything I'd say give it another go. Then again I’m a eternal optimist. At least you will move on knowing you tried everything.

 

[indiecat]

Thanks, that makes sense.