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Alright first time poster but not new to this as I have spent countless nights and days researching, reading, seeking advice and still not there yet so I now turn here in hope of something. I know that sounds selfish and why would a bunch of strangers be able to help? Well for starters you and me are on here for different reasons but if you read my story and offer advice, I will gladly consider it and hopefully might be able to get that critical peace I am missing.

Long story hopefully cut short. Married 14 years, 2 months shy of 15 year anniversary. Been together almost 16, married when she was 19 and I was 25. We have 3 kids together, 14,11, 10. We have a home, cars, ect.....
Started realizing things weren't good 7 months ago, distant, secretive, late for bad reasons, just the not so normal stuff. Asked a few times whats going on and was told needed to spend more time. I didn't listen.... about 2 months ago my worse fears came to light.


After suspicion turned to me to needing answers, I eventually confirmed my worse fear, she was cheating and had a lover that she was in love with and stated the ever so cold "I don't love you anymore". She lied multiple times and didn't fully admit to everything for weeks until I obsessed with finding the truth. During this time she asked for forgiveness and asked for reconcilation. I agreed and after more lies and more lies. I realized she was lying about the R. She was trying to have op and me at the same time. I confirmed this.

After exposing the truth, I filed for a divorce. We are in the procress now. I will keep the children, house and she will pay me some for the expenses. I know thay sounds bizzare but she is messed up and has some real issues. Plus she is protecting op since she doesn't want him involved in our legal issue.

Op is younger, makes good money but cannot provide a better life as she stated to me. She wants to try it though...She broke my heart and crushed our kids hurts too because she lied to them too and they tell her this all the time. They picked me not only because she cheated but because of the lies and what she did to them.

Now I am faced with the scary thought of being alone for the first time in 16 years. I'm an attractive guy and decent shape, I began exercising occasionally but the drive isn't there like I want it to be. She still lives with me but will be leaving once the divorce is final. I had to agree to that for peace sake.

We already split most assets and so far we have been okay with each other. I love her and she doesnt love me. That's why this is so easy for her. Now for my end, I was a horrible husband. I didn't pay attention, didn't tell her or show her how much I loved her until it was too late. I didn't drink, do drugs, or abuse her physically. I treated semi good. I know I could have done better and when presented with the option to get better I did. I spent all my time with her, treated er like gold and how she deserved. She was still cheating though and lied to me.

I asked her why ask me to do all these things if she had no intention on staying and she said she didnt know. I remain this way for the sake of my own sanity. I have been trying endlessly to let go but everytime I see her, I think what could have been. We had plans for a great future and now its gone.

I can't see myself with anyone else and it makes me cry to think about her with someone else. At this point, I know its over and despite my pathetic hope that one day she will return. I know it will never happen.

Not only did she cheat, but I discovered all sorts of secrets about her. She is more sexually driven than I would have ever known and more than likely will cheat on op as well. She drinks alot now and wants to party. Talks completely different and is into things I am not. She was quite and innocent but not anymore. Its not like I didn't try to spice things up either. She would always say, I'm not into that. That's gross. Now thats all she talks about. Wtfff.... Im blown away.

My saving grace is finding out the truth as she had no intention of telling me. I would have been the ignorant hubby to a cheating wife. I'm dealing with the stress as best as I can but each progress turns empty. I need a path to get right, only now I'm not sure what or where it is.

Sorry for the long excessive post! Comments and advice welcomed and will be greatly appreciated.
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Cheater script totally my friend, there are countless stories like yours mine included.... It's incredible how they all act nearly identical, it amazes me still. You still have feelings for her which is normal, actually everything you are feeling is completely normal, there is nothng wrong with you per say and how you feel, just keep telling yourself that, keep any contact with her to the absolute bare minimum and remember this will all pass and you will come out a stronger person!!

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The number 1 thing that stood out to me was married at 25 and 19. It's a shame because she never got to experience the "fun life" of a twenty-something. I am sure a lot of this had been brewing for years.

I'm 40, have 2 kids and on the verge of divorce also. Not that help, but misery love company!
 

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DNA the kids and push that divorce through to completion just as fast as possible. You want it over and done while she's still infatuated w/ OM, because when that relationship comes crashing down around her (and it likely will), she'll try to come running back to you. And when you say no, the divorce will take a very nasty turn.

When that happens, you'll lose the house, at least half your time w/ your kids, and will probably wind up paying alimony and child support as well.
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I'm so sorry for what you're going through. There's nothing anybody can say to take away that kind of pain. The only advice I can think of is, try to focus on yourself & your kids. help each other get through this. Just know there are people here you can talk to that know what you're feeling. Sometimes it helps just to get it out & have support .
 

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Gus is right - close that divorce loop ASAP. And when she comes running back, stick to your guns.

If you need advice on letting go, there is no magic bullet. It may help however, for you to realize the truth. You don't love her.

Say it out loud. You don't love her.

You love the person you thought she was. She is not that person.

Get that info your mind, every time you see her, she isn't who you thought she was.

Stay safe.

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Gus is right - close that divorce loop ASAP. And when she comes running back, stick to your guns.

If you need advice on letting go, there is no magic bullet. It may help however, for you to realize the truth. You don't love her.

Say it out loud. You don't love her.

You love the person you thought she was. She is not that person.

Get that info your mind, every time you see her, she isn't who you thought she was.

Stay safe.

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Wow, that was great. I really needed to see that. I will definatley try that. I don't love her, I loved the person she was and thought she was. Thanks!
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Yeah I thought about that. But in my state, she cannot return to court to over turn the ruling without serious changes in lifestyle. I have enough on her that she wouldn't want to do that, hence why she agreed to no alimony, I keep the house and kids and she supports what she can. I know their mine.. they look identical to me especially my son. :) He's actually better than me so an improved version. Personility wise he's a great kid, so are my others. I take that as my biggest blessing from this broken marriage.
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"Now for my end, I was a horrible husband. I didn't pay attention, didn't tell her or show her how much I loved her until it was too late. I didn't drink, do drugs, or abuse her physically. I treated semi good. I know I could have done better and when presented with the option to get better I did. I spent all my time with her, treated er like gold and how she deserved. She was still cheating though and lied to me."

Cheaters have a remarkable ability to blame shift. I think with a little time, you may realize you weren't nearly as bad as you make yourself out to be. She is likely rewriting history to make herself feel better.
 

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"Now for my end, I was a horrible husband. I didn't pay attention, didn't tell her or show her how much I loved her until it was too late. I didn't drink, do drugs, or abuse her physically. I treated semi good. I know I could have done better and when presented with the option to get better I did. I spent all my time with her, treated er like gold and how she deserved. She was still cheating though and lied to me."

Cheaters have a remarkable ability to blame shift. I think with a little time, you may realize you weren't nearly as bad as you make yourself out to be. She is likely rewriting history to make herself feel better.
This!!!

I doubt you were all that bad, but when the love of your life tells you something like that, you tend to accept it as gospel.
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Now I am faced with the scary thought of being alone for the first time in 16 years. I'm an attractive guy and decent shape, I began exercising occasionally but the drive isn't there like I want it to be. She still lives with me but will be leaving once the divorce is final. I had to agree to that for peace sake.
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Don't worry about being alone. After you give yourself time to heal you won't be alone if you don't want to be. Any decent looking and successful guy should have no problem finding someone else (either for temporary fun or for a long term relationship) if he desires. Plus at your age women tend to be quite confident and often like to show off their skills in bed. Trust me on this one. :wink2:

You really need to exercise even if you don't feel like it. The endorphin release is a natural antidepressant and will make this process go a little easier for you. When I was in your shoes and didn't feel motivated when I was working out I'd just grunt out F'n B1tch whenever I needed that extra little push. It was quite therapeutic.
 

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Don't worry about being alone. After you give yourself time to heal you won't be alone if you don't want to be. Any decent looking and successful guy should have no problem finding someone else (either for temporary fun or for a long term relationship) if he desires. Plus at your age women tend to be quite confident and often like to show off their skills in bed. Trust me on this one. :wink2:

You really need to exercise even if you don't feel like it. The endorphin release is a natural antidepressant and will make this process go a little easier for you. When I was in your shoes and didn't feel motivated when I was working out I'd just grunt out F'n B1tch whenever I needed that extra little push. It was quite therapeutic.
I suppose your right. I turned down many advances throughoutout the marriage. I guess its sad that she couldn't do it just one more time especially when I improved and did what she wanted. I really do hope I can move on. I guess alot more time is needed. Right now even women I am attracted to don't appeal to me. I wouldn't want to be with someone when I'm not over her. I smiled at your motivation grunt. Not so nice but I get it. Ugh.. thanks everyone. I really appreciate the words being thrown at me. One day she might realize the mistake she made or maybe she never will and be quite satisfied with her decision. I have to accept both as is. Life goes on just not with her as my wife or love of my life. Just the mother of our children.
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The 180

This 180 list may help.
--------------------------


For those that are interested in Michelle Weiner Davis's divorce busting 180 degree list, here it is:

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore.

2. No frequent phone calls.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage.

4. Do not follow him/her around the house.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future.

6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.

8. Do not buy gifts.

9. Do not schedule dates together.

10. Do not spy on spouse.

11. Do not say "I Love You".

12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.

14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.

15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.

17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.

20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).

21. Never lose your cool.

22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.

23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).

24. Be patient

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.

26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).

28. Be strong and confident.

29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.

30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

34. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes.



2 things to think about if you do this:

1) You have to do the 180 list NOT to be manipulative but because it's the right thing to do for you. You have to heal from this experience. You have to back off for your own sanity now. You have to have a plan and know that you will be a better person with or without them after all is said and done -- that you will live and learn and move on no matter what. So you have to be geniune when you follow these ideas, rather than faking it and being insincere because your only goal is to get them back. That's not what you want to do. Having a certain person as our spouse is not a need, it's a want. When I wrote down a list of all the definite needs in my life, I realized that almost everything beyond food, clothing and shelter is a want. 10 seconds after I looked at the list, I stopped making decisions based on emotion. That's when I realized that my wanting to have her was causing me to beg and plead for her to come back. That was driving her away more so I stopped doing it immediately. In doing my own version of the 180 list I could tell nearly an immediate change in her behavior.

2) Realize that when your spouse sees your new attitude they are very likely to be a little jealous or at least have some curiosity about what's going on in your life to cause this change. However, they very well may react the same way towards you for some time (especially if they read books or go to message boards also). REALIZE that this tactic can also work simultaneously on you if the spouse begins to likewise. Be aware of it and plan to have your own feelings of jealousy and curiosity in advance. However, like with #1 above, if you're doing the 180 list to better yourself and everyone involved, then it will matter less what they are doing.
 

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Just Let Them Go

The end result?

The end result is to respect yourself in the end,
let go of the people that don't value you or respect you.

That is the end result.

The quickest way to get a cheating spouse back is to let them go with a smile on your face wishing them the best in life and hoping that everything works out in their relationship with their affair partner.

Seriously, the quickest way to get them back.

Nothing else works better or quicker.

Let them go.

Agree with them and their feelings,
"you should be with the OM, I hope he makes you happy, good bye"

Wouldn't that be true love?

If you really loved your spouse,
and wanted them to have what they really want in life which is the other person they're in love with,
wouldn't letting them go be the approach if you really love them?

Why focus on the affair or the drama associated with it?
Just let them go. Give them their freedom.

You can take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror everyday and improve yourself but do it for you, not for someone else, the changes will never stick when it's done for someone else, do it for your benefit and you will probably make those changes last much longer if not indefinitely - because it's for your benefit and you realize the importance and value in that benefit because YOU are involved.

I will never tell someone to change to entice a WAW back when she's been cheating on him. I don't care how bad a marriage, there is never an excuse for cheating. That is a personal decision that someone makes to cheat on their spouse. If a marriage is really bad, leave, get a divorce, speak up to your spouse and tell them flat out "this marriage sucks and if things don't change I'm going to leave you and find someone better" and if things don't improve, leave that person.

But cheating, no excuses.

Think about cheating.
A wayward spouse who cheats on their spouse goes behind their back, secretly, telling lies, feeling guilty, getting angry at their spouse for getting in the way of their fantasies but never owning up to their actions, never admitting what they're doing. If a person who cheats on their spouse felt justified in their actions, why hide and go behind their spouses backs when they start cheating, why lie, why make up excuses about late nights at work and going to a friends place and sleeping over because they drank too much and any other such nonsense?

Deep down, the cheating spouse knows there is something inherently wrong with their actions otherwise they wouldn't lie about their actions and hide what they're doing.

Fighting the affair? For what reason?
To compete with the OM or OW for your spouse?
What message does that communicate to your wayward spouse?
They have lots of value and you have none because now you have to compete with another person for their love? Competing with your wayward spouse's affair partner never works, it just prolongs an ugly drama filled process.

And for your last point,
The easiest way to show you will not tolerate cheating in your relationship is to let that person go. That is the easiest and most effective way to show this.

"Look wife/husband, I won't be in an open relationship with you, I won't give you X number of days, weeks, months to make your mind, if you really feel like you need to sit on the fence on this decision and can't decide between your affair partner and me well I will make the decision for you, you can be with them because I'm no longer an option. I love you and wish you a good life with them and hope it works out for you because it didn't work out for us. Now the best thing we can do for each other is to make this process as graceful and peaceful as possible for us and our children, I'll contact a lawyer/mediator and get started on the process of our legal separation/divorce."

You give them what they want.
You don't fight them on this issue.
You agree with their feelings,
they want to be with the other person, fine they should be with the other person, let them be with the other person.

You will never convince a person to change their feelings with your arguments and logic. You can not find one member on this website in a situation where they are dealing with infidelity where they got their spouse to change their mind about how they feel about their affair partner.

You can't say "don't love them, love me instead",
you can't say "look at me, I'm better in every way compared to your affair partner, pick me instead of them",
you can't say "you took marriage vows, you promised to love me"

I agree, you don't have to make it easy for your wayward spouse to have an affair, but when you let them go, "lovingly detach", you don't have to worry about making it easy for them. It's no longer your concern, they can have you or them but not both and not at the same time and since they've chosen to have an affair, they've made their choice, there is no profit in fighting that decision. Let them go and move on with your life, that is the quickest, easiest way to get them back.

You definitely don't support them financially and enable them, that would be weak, wussy, clingy, insecure behavior - something in you telling you that you need to support them financially while they're having an affair, hoping they'll realize how nice you are and come back to you.

Just let them go, have them move out or you move out and live a good life without them
 

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Just focus on your kids and what they need from you. It is going to be hard to ignore her while she is still living in the house. Why is she doing that? Why is she not with her lover in fantasy land?

Once she is gone you will miss her for a time but DO NOT contact her unless there is an emergency with one of the kids that you think she should know about. By emergency, I mean a major injury or illness requiring hospitalization. Getting a boo-boo, or a sprained ankle or even a couple of stitches is not an emergency.

You will get over her.

DO NOT tell her the details of your new life. She no longer has the right to know anything about what you are doing.
 

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Yuck, I don't envy what you are going through right now. Was there 4 years ago. Took me longer to decide to divorce (my XW would have been happy for me to stay her chump while she went out and partied).

Sounds like you have agreement on the custody of the kids and fair division of assets. That's good. Get it in writing and filed with the courts ASAP. Start with the custody issue. You should be able to file a 'Joint parenting agreement' with the court if both of you sign it. It should spell out visitation and who pays for what. This will help protect you if at the 11th hour she decides to fight for custody so she won't have a child support obligation to you.

Speaking of child support. Even if you don't need her to pay you, don't 'waive' the right to. Firstly, most judges won't allow that. Secondly, just don't. If circumstances change, you may want and or need to have her pay child support. Luckily I didn't, but knowing I could was good. And it helps keep the STBX in check.

On separation of assets, don't give her more than you are legally obligated to under your state law. Don't let her guilt you into thinking you were a bad H. You were not. Could you have done things better? Probably, but not the point. You maintained a job, you didn't hit her or your kids, you provided a home and built a life. Her feelings of neglect are a problem of privilege. She had a good life and was bored and craved excitement. Unfortunately instead of being a good wife and finding a way to do that with you, she cheated. That's on her. Follow the law, be fair, but stop being her chump. She forfeited that when she cheated. Treat it now as a business transaction.

On future relationships? Don't fret it. You will be a single dad, with custody and a job who treated his cheating EX fairly well in the divorce. You sir will be a hot commodity. But don't rush it. Take a year to clear your head and build a routine and relationship with your children. Make sure you have 2 nights per week for you. For now that can be support group or a hobby or church group. But it builds in a routine of a couple of days where your life isn't just work then kids. You can use those nights for dating in the future.

You sir have a good future ahead of you. Start thinking what you want that to look like and build the foundation now. Your last 'loving' act to your STBXW will be to divorce her with grace and dignity. But make sure she realizes it is indeed over. Make sure you file, if you didn't, be sure to counter sue for divorce. Then she can't stop the proceedings. Get her out of the house. At some point OM is going to dump her. You don't want her under your roof when he does. She will try to make a run back at you. Don't fall for it. Read the 180, live it, love it.
 

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First off she didn't become this new and shiny suddenly sexier version of herself because she met this guy.

Right now she's playing a role, very true she gets to talk dirty, drink, do things with him she never did with you and in her mind it's exciting, but don't believe for one second this is some sort of awakening, right now she'll do whatever it takes to keep this guy on the hook.

Not going to mince words, it might last it might not, the best thing for you is what you did, file and start to move on with your life. No doubt because of the kids you'll always be in contact, and no doubt she might be doing what's she's doing because she wants to see if the grass is greener knowing that she has you to fall back on of it goes to sh*t.

Best to use this time to work on yourself and detach from her. Yes love her but for god's sake man, this woman is willing to divorce you to get this guy.

She deserves no second chances.

Start working on yourself to ensure she never gets that chance if her plans fall apart.
 
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