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I love my wife, M, of 38 years but we never have sex anymore. We're both 53 and in excellent shape for our age. We used to have sex constantly, but it began dropping off about 15 years ago and has been almost non-existent for the past few years. It's my fault, because M wants to have sex with me but I very rarely want it with her. Why is that? Why do I no longer love my wife sexually?

I'm no longer excited by M sexually. She's in very good shape and wants to have sex, but I just don't get excited by her like I used to. I am very excited by other women of all ages but have kept this as a fantasy. To be frank, I've been unfaithful a handful of times in 38 years, but not in the past 15 years. Paradoxically, I've never been unfaithful to M during this period of sexual abstinance. I know that M has an one extra marital affair but I harbor absolutely no hard feelings towards her. She said she strayed because I was not satisfying her sexually, and I simply can't argue with that...I was not. That was about ten years ago.

The last thing I want is a divorce. The very best thing for me would be to be once again attracted to M. She would also love for that to happen. I am still turned on easily and consider myself a very sexually oriented person but I now get my release through masturbation and pornography, not with other women. I do recognize that this is also a form of infidelity.

In a nutshell, what can I do to rekindle sexual attraction to M?
 

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Nothing really. You are attracted to who you are attracted to. I can't see any way around that. You could force yourself to have sex with M, but what does that solve really?
 

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Love but no sex

I think there is a problem in your relationship that you haven't figured out. If you love your wife and you value your marriage, you should find out why you don't want to have sex with her and why it doesn't appeal to you. It sounds like something is missing and I am sure she feels that way too. It also sounds like you have substituted pornography and other fantasies with other woman for your partner. I hate to sound cliche but it sounds like you are going through some kind of mid life crisis. But truthfully, if you really love your wife, you should be in love with her and want to be with her. Why don't you try to date her and see if you can rekindle the ROMANCE first and then try and see if your love life can be rekindled. The pornography has gotta go,unless you try and include her--otherwise, it's just like having an affair in your mind which is where everything starts. I hate to sound cliche and tell you to try marriage counseling but if you love her enough to do the work for your marriage, it may suprise you down the road.
 
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