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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Lost the best thing in my life

Here is my story, i want to begin a journal to help me through this process.

Separated with my wife the beginning of this year. Married 9 years and together for 14. We have two daughters, 6 & 3.

When we met we lived about an hour and half away from each other, so we mostly saw each other on weekends. About 6 mnths into the relationship I was offered a position in the rocky mountains. So i moved from the east coast and asked if she wanted to come along. She came and finished her masters degree while living with me. After 2 1/2 years i purposed and we moved back to the east coast to get married/start a family. We moved close to where i could transfer my job. We bought a house, our first daughter was born. Things were going very well.

After our second was born I believe we started to drift. We were both isolated a bit, her family and friends were a couple of hours away and mine were not much closer, our time was dedicated to our jobs and our daughters. A while ago she started to tell me that she was feeling sad. She basically was trying to tell me that I was emotionally unavailable. She had even asked me to go see a counselor, not because of anything that I did (she was trying to be delicate with me), but that something was wrong. I was prideful and didn't want to go. We would have long conversations where she was voicing her pain but I couldn't understand it or voice my own emotions. I didn't know how to get them out.

This continued for a while until we purchased a summer home where I thought we could afford it. She wanted to look in another location but I thought i wasn't feasible financially. This broke it. She finally put her foot down and said we had to move closer to her job and family. I finally began to see how much i had controlled things and agreed. We put our home on the market and it sold quickly so we had to find something to purchase. We also decided to see and marriage counselor. I began to see how I had not been open to her and took her for granted and took advantage of her giving personality. I was not hearing her. We were talking a lot more now but the damage was done.

We only went to two sessions tho and she had enough. Her pain was too much and she wanted to separate. She purchased a small home and I'm currently living at the vacation property a long way from anything I've known. I'm working remotely and pretty much isolated.

My job is still relatively close to her and on fridays i drive up to work in the office and she drops our daughters off so I can take them for the weekend. But on Sundays i drive up to her place to take the girls home and actually stay overnight so I can take them to school on monday morning and then work at the office before driving home.

We are on very good terms, we talk & text a lot. She says I'm her most important person. She has even said that "You're my everything". She just has to make herself happy and does not want a relationship. She just wants to be single.

I understand this from our history, I just love her so. I don't know how to deal with the loss. Ii am trying to do more things for myself. Starting to go to the gym, read and reflect but I can't shake my shame and regret over my own actions.
 

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Hi Lost and welcome. Are you seeing a counsellor to help you through this?

Right now, you wife has the best of two worlds. She has the single life she desired, but she also has ‘her everything’. She says she doesn’t want a relationship, but that is exactly what she has. She is not getting a true picture of what life without you would be like. If you keep this up, you will not move in any direction and you run the risk of hearing her one day say that she wants a divorce and/or has met someone else. And it will be a huge shock for you. Hard as it is, you need to start detaching. Stop talking and texting unless it has to do with the kids. Stop staying overnight. Go to a hotel and pick the kids up again in the morning.

I know this sounds harsh, but you need to give her what she thinks she needs.

I suggest you read The 180. You can search this site for it or just google it. It is a series of strategies that will help you to grow stronger so that you can face whatever comes your way.
 

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Long story short Frostflower is completely correct.

I have to say I probably hounded my wife with all the lines possible not have her leave since I found out honestly on December 30th, 2012.

Many here told me not to, many of my friends told me not to, my brother told me not to and he literally lives right down stairs from me. 12 steps away as the apartments are attached ( doors of course on both ends).

I did more harm then good. I pushed her away faster. I made her resent me more.

Now its the 28th of January and only just recently have I been able to calmly expressed my understanding and disappointments to my wife's actions.

Everyone has given me good and great advice, but Poster Carmen Ohio laid down some ground work in my post that really struck home for me.

Nutshell is you need to show your wife that your there for her and the kids but your going to move on as well.

Its hard I know. In the beginning I cried in front of my wife, I begged, I cried some more. I told her your gonna see what its like without me, its not gonna be good. All this nonsense.

Both of you made mistakes. Her mistake was that something was bothering her for a long time and didn't really address it. The job of a wife/husband/significant other is to tell the other person the truth. What is going on.

To say Hey STUPID your messing up and I am telling you because me out of everyone else loves you the most and I don't want to loose you because your too stupid to see this.

Also I'm not gonna lie, as I find it pretty amazing that your wife just left you to leave you. Usually there is someone else in the picture. You might not have seen it yet or know about it, but people leaving usually need someone else for support, like a monkey swinging in a tree. They don't let go of the first branch until they have a hold of the second.

I don't want to put things in your head either so take the last part with a grain of salt.

I just feel you should fix what needs to be fixed and be there for the mother of your kids, but also let know without saying it " I fixed what your complaining about but I'm not going to be punished on top of it".

I discovered that once I fixed the complaints my wife had she had nothing else left to say but the truth. The truth was she loved someone else now. Of course she first said it was the computer then even she noticed how lame that was. Then proceeded to start to tell me I wasn't in the kids lives. Don't fall into those traps.

It's crazy hard stuff I know. Just keep posting in this same thread and people will continue to give you updated advice as time goes on and things change for you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Thanks for the input. It's helpful to get some guidance and kind words.

I believe there is currently an emotional affair. One thing about my wife is that she's very honest. There have been some friends she's been leaning on but nothing physical. She has stated that right now she can't trust any man to place her needs first and she doesn't want to give anyone a piece of herself. I know it may sound naive but she has been very honest with me, sometimes so much so it can hurt.

I have started to see a councilor. 2nd apt is tomorrow. Pretty standard stuff so far, focus on my communication and start working out etc... It helps but the demons in the evenings while lying in bed are vicious.

This past weekend was a rough few days. I took the girls up to my family and they helped immensely. Really helped to have a good time with my daughters. But just last night, took them over to my wife's and of course we spoke at length again. She has helped me gain insights into our relationship but there is obviously pain she isn't even remotely over. It's all so strange. We even slept beside each other in her bed, nothing physical other than some holding.

I can understand the need for the 180 but it's going to be a very hard thing to work through. Thanks for the support.
 

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If you wife is willing to talk and you can both continue to gain insight into your relationship, that’s great. A marriage is definitely something worth saving if you can. Just be careful that you don’t fall into thinking there’s hope if she is determined it is over. You don’t need any more hurt.

As for the 180, you can pick out the strategies that you think will be beneficial for you. There is no rule that you must follow them all.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
My counseling session was very helpful in establishing guidelines and goals for myself. Her direction was to focus on empathy and showing my wife that I'm able to communicate and give her love/understanding without expecting anything in return.

I think this is healthy but very difficult. Our conversations over the last few days seem a bit more distant and focused on money/logistics. I offer words of affirmation and I know i should not focus on any reciprocated words but it's still hard not getting any.

I also find it strange that I'm not as overwhelmed with the sadness. It a weird way, it concerns me. I know i still have affection and want to R with my wife but I feel the distance growing. Such a roller coaster ride!
 

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Frost-You had right advice. I know this sounds weird but do the counter of what your heart tells you. Throw away the Nice Guy t-shirts....grab a few PO'd Gordie Howe jerseys and wear them with zeal.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Well to Frost's advice of not falling into thinking there's hope, i think the hope is fading fast. So my path right now is to follow the advice of my counselor but not to expect anything from her.
 

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wise choice........stay focused..........your only concern is you and the kids. f-her
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Rough day today. No self confidence. Feel so isolated down here and it's going to take so long to sell and close on a new house.

Spoke with her briefly about some things with the kids and somehow got into the relationship again. She just has no desire to reconcile and work on our marriage. Said she is tired of working, she tried already.

This shall pass i suppose but i'm just getting tired.
 

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Tired of working on M......I hear that often.....I ask can you verfify those times you did......just for the record.

Let her go......wish her well.....180 and NC. It's focus on you-time dude. Spend time with the kids. Get her off your mind. Pick up an old hobby. Doesn't matter if you skip rocks across a pond.....do something to shift focus.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Some great/tough points here. I honestly haven't worked enough at it, at least in the right way. I'm being selfish in a lot of ways. And the relationship discussions are not helping, just becoming a vicious circle.

Points very well taken, now the tough part. Sometimes a swift kick delivers the message better.
 

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it takes two to blow up a M..............let her a$$ sit in that victim chair and lose touch with reality. Act as Conrad said, cool, firm, dispassionate. Restructure your focus 'young jedi"
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
Not even close to getting control over my emotions. She called this morning to speak with the girls and she seemed so happy and brief with me. I did t say anything dumb but these emotions still just fall on me like a waterfall. Grit teeth and get through it.
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She could be faking it ... or she could be happy without you. No way to know. Grit your teeth and get thru it. That's all you can do. Focus on you and the girls.
 

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overt happiness is usually a facade.
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
Hard to say. She's always been really good at being/appearing happy even when something is bothering her.

I know my own emotions and expectations are changing 'cause this is the first evening I'm not looking forward to going over there this evening. Can't really afford a hotel so going to sleep in the girls' room.
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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
Just not sure i have the strength to fight for this marriage. She is obviously not too interested in working on things right now but I want my marriage back. Speaking with my counselor, she felt i should fight because i do still want my marriage and love this woman.

I'm having a hard time finding the inner strength when I have to interact with her because of the girls or whatever comes up. I wish i knew which path was right for us.
 

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State your desire to work it out, then go dark. 180 / NC....She does not have to make up her mind if she knows you are still two steps behind her. If you back away, that forces a decision. Limbo is no friend.....
 
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