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4 Posts
Hello all
It appears a backstory is the way to go with these things so here goes....I apologise in advance for the length and Im upset so I hope it makes sense.
My wife and I have been married for 7 years and together for 10. We have 2 beautiful daughters aged 3 and 6. We were the perfect couple until we had children. We both (especially my wife) had a hard time adjusting to the change in lifestyle compared to the freedom we had once had. It taxed our marriage and instead of pulling together for the kids we found ourselves turning against each other on the smallest of stresses. I dont want to give the wrong impression that the marriage was completely horrible or that we do not love our children but times were difficult. We built a new house 2 1/2 years ago and my wife landed her dream job after being stuck in one she despised for quite some time. I switched positions at work to accomodate the kids for daycare but it left us with little time for each other as I worked long hours and midnights.
Almost a year after starting her new position we had another couple over for some drinks and to watch a game. I noticed her texting quite a bit on her phone and she was being a little over protective of it. The couple left and we were on our way up to bed. I pretended to go up the stairs and snuck back down. Found my wife at the sink texting and tried to grab the phone. She quickly ran to the bathroom and tried to lock the door and I pushed it open. I asked her to hand me the phone and she shook her head no. I asked her who she was texting and she said her sister and that it was personal. I knew it was a lie by the look on her face and told her if she didnt hand the phone to me she could leave. After getting the phone from her I see that the name is a co workers and the message is "thanks youre hot too". I lose my cool and scream and yell. She tells me its nothing, just innocent flirting. She knows its wrong and she will stop. I have some guy friends that do similar with girls they work with so I buy it. I tell her no more texting and I leave it at that.
Flash forward a few months and my senses are tingling again. I install a few programs on our computer to monitor everything from keys typed to screen shots every 6 seconds. She has been going for walks quite a bit, 3-4 times a week as exercise. Usually lasts about 30 minutes but I suspect she is talking to this guy still. I wait until I am working midnights and make up a story about how I need her password for her online cell phone bill to check it against mine to make sure we are being billed the same. She tells me she cant rememeber it and she will have to find it. When I come home from work the next morning I get the kids off to school and daycare and come back to the computer monitoring program. The minute she had hanged up with me she went and logged into her cell account to check it. I now had her password and checked it myself. Maybe out of 12 walks she talked to the guy 3-4 times for 10-30 minutes. I wait until she comes home and have the printouts ready. I ask her if she is still talking to him....she tells me no. I ask her if she is lying, again no. I pester and pester her until she finally admits, yes she is talking to him. I show her the phone records. She breaks down and cries and tells me shes sorry. I ask her if its physical and she says no way, we are just friends, I like talking to him. I ask for a divorce. She tells me she doesnt want one and we agree to counseling. I tell her again that it must end and she agrees. I ask her to switch jobs and shes hesitant...she loves her job and doesnt want to leave it. I telll her she has to try and she says shell think about it. That was 6 months ago. She never books a counseling appt.
2 weeks ago I wake up to go to work. Its dark in the bedroom and I mistakenly grab her phone and head off. Once I get to work I realise the error but use it as a chance to snoop. I found nothing. Around 8 in the morning I receive a beep that she has a text....figure its from her laughing that I grabbed her phone in error. Its from the guy... says "good morning sweet cheeks". I text back good morning. Nothing. I text back again asking why the **** he is texing my wife and if he would like me to have a talk with his? No response.
I come home and for the second time in 6 months I ask for a divorce. She doesnt seem to resistent this time...says the right things but doesnt have the same conviction. I ask her if she has feelings for him and she says yes. I ask if its physical and she tells me no. I tell her she needs to make a decision, this family and me or him. She cries and tells me she cant, she loves him and me. I pack a suitcase and she begs me not to go. I realise its late and I dont really have too many places to go at 1 in the morning plus I have to get the kids off to school...I tell her to sleep in the basement.
In the morning she comes to me crying before the kids wake and tells me shes sorry, she'll end it. She cant do this to her family and me. She comes home from work and tells me its over, she went for coffee and told him she couldnt do it anymore. He told her he loves her but she says she cant bear to wake up in the morning without her kids.
I dont know what to do. Without kids the decision is a simple one....I have a hard time looking at my children and know that they could end up with divorced parents.
She schedules counseling appts for us and makes an effot at home with me. We go to a couple appts and I'm not sure of what to do. Its getting close to Christmas and I am caving a bit. I still love her which makes me even more depressed when I think of what she has done to me.
The other day I am out with a friend for lunch. He tells me he knows. I play dumb and say "know what?". He says the guys name and my heart sinks. He tells me that my wife confided in one girlfriend and that friend blabbed to all others. Everyone knows. He also lets it slip that he knows theyve slept together at my house.
I corner my wife yet again in the garage. She denies the sleeping together part for a bit then admits it happened one time close to 6 months ago. It never happened again because they didnt have a chance or time to do it. She confesses everything but swears on the kids it did not happen in the house and proceeds to tell me exactly where and when. I have a hard time believing it happened too many times as she is always home straight after work and very rarely goes out with her girlfriends.
I dont know what to believe. Some of the rumours I heard are definitely untrue as some of them were impossible. One was that he had been on walks with my wife and kids while I'm at work or asleep after night shifts. My wife didnt know but whenever any of those happened I always asked my oldest if anyone else was there or if they saw any friends of moms. She always answered no and I know that my daughter doesnt have the capability of lying yet.My problem is sorting the fake from the true. Sometimes I dont think it matters anyways as she has finally confessed to pretty much the two biggest things...loving him and sleeping with him.
During the length of the affair our sex life never suffered and she still told me she loved me every day....
So here I sit, depressed and on a roller coaster of emotions. I am having anxiety attacks and am dropping weight like crazy.I stare at my children and wonder what future is worse for them... Parents divorced or together and struggling through this.
Not sure what I am looking for as far as support or anything. I guess mostly I just wanted to write it all down in a place where others understand. I appreciate any advice at all...thanks
It appears a backstory is the way to go with these things so here goes....I apologise in advance for the length and Im upset so I hope it makes sense.
My wife and I have been married for 7 years and together for 10. We have 2 beautiful daughters aged 3 and 6. We were the perfect couple until we had children. We both (especially my wife) had a hard time adjusting to the change in lifestyle compared to the freedom we had once had. It taxed our marriage and instead of pulling together for the kids we found ourselves turning against each other on the smallest of stresses. I dont want to give the wrong impression that the marriage was completely horrible or that we do not love our children but times were difficult. We built a new house 2 1/2 years ago and my wife landed her dream job after being stuck in one she despised for quite some time. I switched positions at work to accomodate the kids for daycare but it left us with little time for each other as I worked long hours and midnights.
Almost a year after starting her new position we had another couple over for some drinks and to watch a game. I noticed her texting quite a bit on her phone and she was being a little over protective of it. The couple left and we were on our way up to bed. I pretended to go up the stairs and snuck back down. Found my wife at the sink texting and tried to grab the phone. She quickly ran to the bathroom and tried to lock the door and I pushed it open. I asked her to hand me the phone and she shook her head no. I asked her who she was texting and she said her sister and that it was personal. I knew it was a lie by the look on her face and told her if she didnt hand the phone to me she could leave. After getting the phone from her I see that the name is a co workers and the message is "thanks youre hot too". I lose my cool and scream and yell. She tells me its nothing, just innocent flirting. She knows its wrong and she will stop. I have some guy friends that do similar with girls they work with so I buy it. I tell her no more texting and I leave it at that.
Flash forward a few months and my senses are tingling again. I install a few programs on our computer to monitor everything from keys typed to screen shots every 6 seconds. She has been going for walks quite a bit, 3-4 times a week as exercise. Usually lasts about 30 minutes but I suspect she is talking to this guy still. I wait until I am working midnights and make up a story about how I need her password for her online cell phone bill to check it against mine to make sure we are being billed the same. She tells me she cant rememeber it and she will have to find it. When I come home from work the next morning I get the kids off to school and daycare and come back to the computer monitoring program. The minute she had hanged up with me she went and logged into her cell account to check it. I now had her password and checked it myself. Maybe out of 12 walks she talked to the guy 3-4 times for 10-30 minutes. I wait until she comes home and have the printouts ready. I ask her if she is still talking to him....she tells me no. I ask her if she is lying, again no. I pester and pester her until she finally admits, yes she is talking to him. I show her the phone records. She breaks down and cries and tells me shes sorry. I ask her if its physical and she says no way, we are just friends, I like talking to him. I ask for a divorce. She tells me she doesnt want one and we agree to counseling. I tell her again that it must end and she agrees. I ask her to switch jobs and shes hesitant...she loves her job and doesnt want to leave it. I telll her she has to try and she says shell think about it. That was 6 months ago. She never books a counseling appt.
2 weeks ago I wake up to go to work. Its dark in the bedroom and I mistakenly grab her phone and head off. Once I get to work I realise the error but use it as a chance to snoop. I found nothing. Around 8 in the morning I receive a beep that she has a text....figure its from her laughing that I grabbed her phone in error. Its from the guy... says "good morning sweet cheeks". I text back good morning. Nothing. I text back again asking why the **** he is texing my wife and if he would like me to have a talk with his? No response.
I come home and for the second time in 6 months I ask for a divorce. She doesnt seem to resistent this time...says the right things but doesnt have the same conviction. I ask her if she has feelings for him and she says yes. I ask if its physical and she tells me no. I tell her she needs to make a decision, this family and me or him. She cries and tells me she cant, she loves him and me. I pack a suitcase and she begs me not to go. I realise its late and I dont really have too many places to go at 1 in the morning plus I have to get the kids off to school...I tell her to sleep in the basement.
In the morning she comes to me crying before the kids wake and tells me shes sorry, she'll end it. She cant do this to her family and me. She comes home from work and tells me its over, she went for coffee and told him she couldnt do it anymore. He told her he loves her but she says she cant bear to wake up in the morning without her kids.
I dont know what to do. Without kids the decision is a simple one....I have a hard time looking at my children and know that they could end up with divorced parents.
She schedules counseling appts for us and makes an effot at home with me. We go to a couple appts and I'm not sure of what to do. Its getting close to Christmas and I am caving a bit. I still love her which makes me even more depressed when I think of what she has done to me.
The other day I am out with a friend for lunch. He tells me he knows. I play dumb and say "know what?". He says the guys name and my heart sinks. He tells me that my wife confided in one girlfriend and that friend blabbed to all others. Everyone knows. He also lets it slip that he knows theyve slept together at my house.
I corner my wife yet again in the garage. She denies the sleeping together part for a bit then admits it happened one time close to 6 months ago. It never happened again because they didnt have a chance or time to do it. She confesses everything but swears on the kids it did not happen in the house and proceeds to tell me exactly where and when. I have a hard time believing it happened too many times as she is always home straight after work and very rarely goes out with her girlfriends.
I dont know what to believe. Some of the rumours I heard are definitely untrue as some of them were impossible. One was that he had been on walks with my wife and kids while I'm at work or asleep after night shifts. My wife didnt know but whenever any of those happened I always asked my oldest if anyone else was there or if they saw any friends of moms. She always answered no and I know that my daughter doesnt have the capability of lying yet.My problem is sorting the fake from the true. Sometimes I dont think it matters anyways as she has finally confessed to pretty much the two biggest things...loving him and sleeping with him.
During the length of the affair our sex life never suffered and she still told me she loved me every day....
So here I sit, depressed and on a roller coaster of emotions. I am having anxiety attacks and am dropping weight like crazy.I stare at my children and wonder what future is worse for them... Parents divorced or together and struggling through this.
Not sure what I am looking for as far as support or anything. I guess mostly I just wanted to write it all down in a place where others understand. I appreciate any advice at all...thanks