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Discussion Starter #1
I have been in a relationship for 19 years that just ended. My significant other is an addict and I have stood by his side for so long. Even though we went through so many hard times I always thought eventually we would come through. I thought he was my soulmate. We have 2 kids together. In January he went to California for a long term treatment program and has been doing great. He is currently the manager of a sober living house and I was proud of him. He told me early on that he could not come back to NJ because he would die if he did. For the last few months we havent talked that much maybe once a week. I knew he needed to do his thing and I needed to heal. We went to visit him and he was a different person. He said he thought I was his trigger abd he couldnt be with me. I have been by his side for 19 years. It was so hard sometimes but I loved him. To be discarded like that broke my heart. We have 2 kids that I always wanted to have both parents together. I honestly dont know how to ease my pain. He is living in beautiful California taking care of him and I an here working, taking care of the kids during a pandemic by myself. I feel so hurt and angry and he is just done. I dont know how to go on.
 

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My cousin did the same thing. He got out to give the real world a try one more time. In very short order he was back on the dope and now doing time in jail. As bad as it is to hear.. your husband is where he belongs
 

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I'm so sorry your going through this.
This is clearly all about him and nothing about you. And I know that doesn't help things. But addicts are selfish, and they have to be selfish to be clean. You need someone to be an equal partner. Hang in there, things will get better. Find positive and healthy ways to stay busy during this tough time.
 

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You just have to realize it's more important that he stay sober than for you to be with him, because yes, you are a trigger. Addicts nearly always need to get away from their old people. Sorry. I know it can suck, but that's the way it is.
 

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It’s very difficult to be the one left behind while he creates this new wonderful life on the opposite side of the country, having left all of the old life for you to handle, but that’s where you are. Start by simplifying everything that you can. Cut out anything you and your children don’t need. Maintain as much of the “old life” for your children as they want (school, sports, activities, etc.). Have a family meeting every week or so to touch base with how everyone is feeling about whatever. Create new memories. Find new interests. Have fun with your children. Reassure them as much as they need — and remind yourself — that life hasn’t ended because of the decision their dad made. It won’t be an easy process — and it will take time — but you can get through it a step at a time and create your own new wonderful life.
 

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I can relate to some aspects of your story. Although I'm the partner (he's the addict) and I'm planning on leaving. It is truly awful to be on the other side of an addict's behavior. I have been trying and helping him (more than myself sometimes) for about 5 years straight. It is so draining. To be left when he's in recovery sounds absolutely frustrating. Although my husband isn't in the same situation, I would be pissed. Just here to validate your feelings x
 

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Discussion Starter #7
Yeah, I have been with him for 19 years and have done everything to help him, support him because I loved him and always believed we would get through it and be stronger and now he is finally putting in the work and has 7 months clean and is doing so well and really working on staying clean he no longer wants to be in our relationship. What is hard is I was there for him through all the ups and downs and when he is finally getting healthy and clean he doesnt want me. It is a hard thing to accept and understand.
 
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