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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hello,

I have been married for over a year. I had a previous relationship of about 8 months which I didn't tell my wife about.

She asked me few times if I had a past relationship and initially I said no. I will admit I was scared inside of losing her.

But one day I admitted it and came clean. But now she doesn't believe me. She thinks I had more relationships and I didn't.

She is fine for few days but then the resentment takes over and she feels hurt and cries. I try to be there with her but now she doesn't think I am her true friend. What do I do?

She also says that I don't share my feelings but this is the way I am. I tell her how I feel but she thinks I keep things inside.

Please help. I love my wife and she is the love of my life. I am not great at expressing emotions but internally I feel that my heart bleeds.

Thanks
 

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You're talking about relationships before you even met your wife, right?

If so, how is telling her about that 'coming clean'? You say you didn't tell her because you didn't want to hurt her & the truth would have been easier and better, but it certainly doesn't amount to a betrayal.

If you had only one relationship before you met your wife & this is what she's giving you a hard time about, she's making a mountain out of a molehill.
 

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Did she think you were a virgin when you got married, and now she thinks that were not? Maybe she has been living in a fantasy world for the last year thinking that you both saved yourselves for each other, and now that fantasy is shattered.
It sounds like you didn't tell her because you wanted her to believe the fantasy. It was like a fairy tale.
Just guessing...
 

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Hello,

I have been married for over a year. I had a previous relationship of about 8 months which I didn't tell my wife about.

Yes, this is a big, big omission.I really would find this a big problem

She asked me few times if I had a past relationship and initially I said no. I will admit I was scared inside of losing her.

This is indicating you are a habitual liar, she indeed can not trust you anymore. Internal you weigh you options, and choose the best for yourself.


But one day I admitted it and came clean. But now she doesn't believe me. She thinks I had more relationships and I didn't.

That is not very probable, you see, you lie here also I think

She is fine for few days but then the resentment takes over and she feels hurt and cries. I try to be there with her but now she doesn't think I am her true friend. What do I do?

Change yourself, and your world will change. Start being honest from now on

She also says that I don't share my feelings but this is the way I am. I tell her how I feel but she thinks I keep things inside.

Please help. I love my wife and she is the love of my life. I am not great at expressing emotions but internally I feel that my heart bleeds.

Probably you are too scared to feel your own emotions, let alone share them with someone else. Learn to do that or let her go, she deserves a better person than you are now

Thanks
Sorry if you are not an habitual liar, but what you say indicates that.
 

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cmndodhruv:

I am assuming you and your wife are quite young. What are your ages?

How did you two meet? Do you two have a strict religious affiliation that forbids premarital sex? When you say 'previous relationship' is your wife upset that you had another girlfriend before her, or that you had sex with this girlfriend?

You two need to LEARN to communicate better (it IS a skill you can learn); it is not enough to say 'I am not good at expressing emotion'. You must LEARN to expess your emotions and share your feelings (as your wife points out), BUT SHE MUST learn to respond in an adult/mature manner and make you feel it is SAFE to express your feelings and emotions to her WITHOUT being attacked for them. Counseling will help with this.

Please answer the questions at the beginning of my answer to you as the answers will help us better understand your situation with your wife.
 

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Yes, how old are you guys? A few things come to mind here...is the woman you dated for 8 months in your social circle and you've passed her off as just a friend? Huge no no....

Did you wife outright ask you about this particular person? If so, did you outright lie? Again, your age will help...if you're very young, and this can be chalked up to inexperience, it's not so bad. If you're middle aged, say, and are lying about your past, this is a problem, as it indicates habitual lying or leaving things out.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Sorry if you are not an habitual liar, but what you say indicates that.
Thanks for your reply. I have been working on this. Things have been getting better.

I share everything with my wife now. Anything that I feel I say it. It is a change for her too so sometimes she slips back to being insecure but I understand that I caused it so I face it calmly and try to make her feel better. It is working.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 · (Edited)
cmndodhruv:

I am assuming you and your wife are quite young. What are your ages?

How did you two meet? Do you two have a strict religious affiliation that forbids premarital sex? When you say 'previous relationship' is your wife upset that you had another girlfriend before her, or that you had sex with this girlfriend?

You two need to LEARN to communicate better (it IS a skill you can learn); it is not enough to say 'I am not good at expressing emotion'. You must LEARN to expess your emotions and share your feelings (as your wife points out), BUT SHE MUST learn to respond in an adult/mature manner and make you feel it is SAFE to express your feelings and emotions to her WITHOUT being attacked for them. Counseling will help with this.

Please answer the questions at the beginning of my answer to you as the answers will help us better understand your situation with your wife.
I am 32 years old and she is 30. Yes we belong to a religion where traditionally it is considered a sin to have sex before marriage. Yes that relationship was before our marriage and before I met her.

I have been sharing everything with her now.

There is one more question though. She has not been able to find a job and has been out of job from last one year. She is more educated than me and I know that she has a great potential but things are slow in her field right now and she does not have much Canadian work experience. I know it is just a matter of time. She has excellent communication skills and has both international and Canadian education. She has a Masters degree.

She has also gained weight and mostly feels guilty for sitting at home and being lazy. I have been trying to motivate her to stay active. We have joined swimming classes together. But sometimes she feels depressed and loses track of her diet. She has mood swings sometimes and fights with me over very small things. And then she uses very hard words that really hurt me. I love my wife and try not to keep a resentment. But lately she said I am spineless as I try to please everyone. I am successful in my career and have always had healthy relationship with friends and family. I can (and do) say NO when needed. I don't accept anyone's interference in our life and there is none. So I was shocked to hear this.

Anyways even after saying such things, she is unapologetic and every time I still make-up and let go of everything she said. But I don't see this being a long term solution. I love her and want to have a happy healthy life with her.

Please guide me.
 

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Glad to hear that things are IMPROVING for you!!!

If your wife is willing, go to a couples counselor/therapist and see if BOTH of you can learn some techniques for letting go of resentment, fighting fairly, and the differences in the way men/women (or even specifically YOU and SHE) express yourselves.

If therapy is NOT an option, there are BOOKS you can read.

1.) The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman will be REALLY USEFUL to you both as you learn WHAT is important to each other (time spent together, kind words, thoughtful gifts, etc.)

2.) Check Amazon.com or your library for books on how to fight fairly (no bringing up the past CONTINUALLY, etc.)

You might get some other responses on USEFUL books to read on this thread.

Tell your wife that YOU want a loving, harmonious relationship with her FOR A LIFETIME and that you acknowledge you BOTH have some work to do.

Offer her the choice of therapy OR books. If it's books, then you two need to carve time out to read them together. Either read them aloud together, or you each read Chapter 1 alone, then you discuss it at a specified time (Thursdays right after dinner, etc.)

There are MANY things your wife could do to feel more useful. There are CHARITIES where she could donate her time, schools where she could donate her time, she could try working part-time through a temporary placement agency, your religious affiliation may have charitable opportunities. Remind her that you LOVE her, you want her to be happy, you KNOW she'll get her career started soon, and you want her to feel better about your (combined) current situation.

She may be lashing out because she's angry, frustrated, scared. Reassure her that you two will be fine....and you're going to work on being GREAT because you're both worth it!

Best wishes to you both!
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Glad to hear that things are IMPROVING for you!!!

If your wife is willing, go to a couples counselor/therapist and see if BOTH of you can learn some techniques for letting go of resentment, fighting fairly, and the differences in the way men/women (or even specifically YOU and SHE) express yourselves.

If therapy is NOT an option, there are BOOKS you can read.

1.) The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman will be REALLY USEFUL to you both as you learn WHAT is important to each other (time spent together, kind words, thoughtful gifts, etc.)

2.) Check Amazon.com or your library for books on how to fight fairly (no bringing up the past CONTINUALLY, etc.)

You might get some other responses on USEFUL books to read on this thread.

Tell your wife that YOU want a loving, harmonious relationship with her FOR A LIFETIME and that you acknowledge you BOTH have some work to do.

Offer her the choice of therapy OR books. If it's books, then you two need to carve time out to read them together. Either read them aloud together, or you each read Chapter 1 alone, then you discuss it at a specified time (Thursdays right after dinner, etc.)

There are MANY things your wife could do to feel more useful. There are CHARITIES where she could donate her time, schools where she could donate her time, she could try working part-time through a temporary placement agency, your religious affiliation may have charitable opportunities. Remind her that you LOVE her, you want her to be happy, you KNOW she'll get her career started soon, and you want her to feel better about your (combined) current situation.

She may be lashing out because she's angry, frustrated, scared. Reassure her that you two will be fine....and you're going to work on being GREAT because you're both worth it!

Best wishes to you both!
Thank you!!! I will see which one she prefers and will implement this immediately. I will talk to her and hope for the best.
 

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You guys have a fighting chance! Try to empathize with her depression. It's not easy to get through. Be strong and hopefully you'll find your path. You did the right thing. It was prior to your relationship. She needs to get past it. There aren't many people who go through life my only a few, let alone a single sexual partner.
 

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I think you need to fully apologize to her (Make her cry)

Let her know how terrible you feel about lying to her.

let her know you did it because you were afraid of losing her if you told the truth in your mind... but now you totally understand secrets cannot exist in a marriage and that you learned that even ones that don't affect the marriage directly need to be shared. That you want to be with her always and that you chose her. Never lie again!

And then ask her if she can give you another chance?

If you get a yes...great. Just time now for healing.

If you get a no response/no....

Tell her you are on a journey to become a better man and if its ok if you check in every once in a while about your discoveries along the way.

Every two weeks talk to her about what you learned.

You can recover... takes work.
 

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I guess I'm in the minority here.

If this angst is only over you lying about one past relationship, and you aren't a habitual liar (in my mind lying about the past relationship several times isn't a habitual liar), and you have done nothing during the marriage that indicates you don't deserve her trust, then

1 - Make ONE sincere apology. Explain why you did it, recognize it hurt her and tell her you learned from it.

2 - She now has to move on. This isn't an earth shattering thing like cheating or abuse and doesn't warrant your continued apologizing.

If she can't move on you need to consider how this will ultimately affect your marriage.
 

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Thanks for your reply. I have been working on this. Things have been getting better.

I share everything with my wife now. Anything that I feel I say it. It is a change for her too so sometimes she slips back to being insecure but I understand that I caused it so I face it calmly and try to make her feel better. It is working.
This sounds very good. What a change!
 
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