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I am at a crossroads here and really need some outside perspective. My husband had a year long affair during which he asked for a divorce and we separated (kind of). During that time he carried on with his affair that I had no idea of. We moved back in together (still didn’t know about the affair) and just learned everything a couple days ago. I’ve known about the affair for a month. He’s been NC since last month with AP but now says he had no romantic or “in love” feelings for me anymore and hasn’t for a couple years. He says he’s scared he won’t ever feel the same way about me but that he cares for me deeply. He wants to take care of me and he loves me but he’s not “in love” with me.

What I’m wondering is, is the love really gone? Is there any coming back from all of this?
 

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I am at a crossroads here and really need some outside perspective. My husband had a year long affair during which he asked for a divorce and we separated (kind of). During that time he carried on with his affair that I had no idea of. We moved back in together (still didn’t know about the affair) and just learned everything a couple days ago. I’ve known about the affair for a month. He’s been NC since last month with AP but now says he had no romantic or “in love” feelings for me anymore and hasn’t for a couple years. He says he’s scared he won’t ever feel the same way about me but that he cares for me deeply. He wants to take care of me and he loves me but he’s not “in love” with me.

What I’m wondering is, is the love really gone? Is there any coming back from all of this?
The love was gone when he decided to have an affair. It hasn't returned. People who love you dont cheat on you. That is just the facts. If you love someone, you don't cheat on them.
 

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My husband had a year long affair during which he asked for a divorce ?
He lied and cheated for a year. He asked for a divorce and has now given you the I love you BUT.

Why did he move back in? Did his girlfriend dump him?

Do you really care if he can love you again after he robbed you of so many different things for a year? He "cares for you deeply"?

He has betrayed you and your love and your trust.

Can you love HIM again is the question you should be asking yourself.

Cut him loose.
 

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I am at a crossroads here and really need some outside perspective. My husband had a year long affair during which he asked for a divorce and we separated (kind of). During that time he carried on with his affair that I had no idea of. We moved back in together (still didn’t know about the affair) and just learned everything a couple days ago. I’ve known about the affair for a month. He’s been NC since last month with AP but now says he had no romantic or “in love” feelings for me anymore and hasn’t for a couple years. He says he’s scared he won’t ever feel the same way about me but that he cares for me deeply. He wants to take care of me and he loves me but he’s not “in love” with me.

What I’m wondering is, is the love really gone? Is there any coming back from all of this?
When someone invests themselves in you, when they GIVE to you, they create their feeling of love. Its not BECAUSE of you...its their investment. So, the more they give (time, appreciation, tenderness), the more the loving feeling thrives. When they stop giving, they stop loving.

There is a lot about this on the Mort Fertel Marriage Fitness Program. It felt spot on for me.
 

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Is this really what you want to work it out with? Someone who merely "cares" for you? Someone who cheated on you and continued to cheat on you even when you separated then got back together?

This had apparently been going on for a year. It's probably likely he got dumped and settled for plan B. Don't be Plan B. Don't let yourself be demoted to that position.
 

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I am at a crossroads here and really need some outside perspective. My husband had a year long affair during which he asked for a divorce and we separated (kind of). During that time he carried on with his affair that I had no idea of. We moved back in together (still didn’t know about the affair) and just learned everything a couple days ago. I’ve known about the affair for a month. He’s been NC since last month with AP but now says he had no romantic or “in love” feelings for me anymore and hasn’t for a couple years. He says he’s scared he won’t ever feel the same way about me but that he cares for me deeply. He wants to take care of me and he loves me but he’s not “in love” with me.

What I’m wondering is, is the love really gone? Is there any coming back from all of this?
That's up to you. If you want to give him another chance, then yes, your marriage can be repaired and be better than it ever has been.

You need to read the two books in my signature. Apply the knowledge gained from them, and you'll have a fighting chance of working things out.
 

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I'm sorry OP, but I can't help feeling like your husband is fairly manipulative. Affair ends, so he moves back? Moves back, but lost that lovin' feelin"? No. Honey. No.

This man is poisonous. You can do much better than this. Hire a good attorney, on the QT. Get your ducks in a row and do get your fair share. You do not deserve to be cheated on, and then, and I'm sorry but it looks like he is messing with your head.

Get away.
 

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Take this opportunity while he "wants to care for you" to get him to sign a very favorable divorce settlement. That will allow him to demonstrate his true "caring" nature and his "love" for you. Be very nice, sweet as saccharine, non-confrontational. If necessary, tell him you're open to the possibility of remarrying him when he's ready and has rediscovered his love. Then proceed to divorce him and find a decent man to marry.
 

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I believe you choose to love. It’s not about feels. Your husband told you that he hasn’t felt any love you for the past two years but instead of remaining faithful he had an affair. He followed his feelings.

Ask yourself what happens if a few more years pass and he feels the same way again. Will he cheat again? He has demonstrated that he is not capable of owning his own feelings and instead sought an affair to fill his emotional void.

I don’t think he’s a keeper. It hurts and wouldn’t risk offending you by quantifying the hurt, but this sounds like goodbye. He has to fix his own deeper issues before he can have a significant relationship with you.
 

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OP, this dude sucks. You can do so much better. You deserve better. Now play it nice and cool and get a good divorce settlement.

He's a loser.
 

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That's up to you. If you want to give him another chance, then yes, your marriage can be repaired and be better than it ever has been.

You need to read the two books in my signature. Apply the knowledge gained from them, and you'll have a fighting chance of working things out.
I agree. The two books are really good. Love is so much more than a feeling. The main question, however, is what you are willing to do at this point. Give yourself time.
You will go through so many different emotions. When the dust settles and you have a clear head, think about how you want to proceed.
 

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OP, I strongly disagree with you.

He doesn't love you. At all.

I think you should try to absorb this reality or you'll forever be stuck in limbo hell.

A person who loves you does not do what he did. Therefore, he does not love you. It's very simple logic based upon displayed actions.

I'd proceed towards divorce and cut any and all ties immediately, for your own sanity and wellbeing. You can have a bright and happy future without such a person in your life.

Please get STD tested. That's another reason this man does not love you. By lying and hiding the affair for a time, he has willingly and knowingly exposed you to possible STDs. That's an incredibly RISKY and DISRESPECTFUL way to treat you.

Please open your eyes.
 

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Discussion Starter #18
Is this really what you want to work it out with? Someone who merely "cares" for you? Someone who cheated on you and continued to cheat on you even when you separated then got back together?

This had apparently been going on for a year. It's probably likely he got dumped and settled for plan B. Don't be Plan B. Don't let yourself be demoted to that position.

No I don’t want someone who merely cares about me which is why my original question asked if the love was really gone. He didn’t get dumped, I wasn’t plan B. I discovered the affair and he cut all contact.
 

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He says before the affair but she helped him “see it”. Looking back I don’t notice anything until the affair started.

The affair ended when I discovered it.
Right, so had you NOT discovered it, it'd still be ongoing......

I will repeat myself: he does not love you. He's likely too scared of the fallout from divorce.
 
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