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Discussion Starter #1
I have been with my husband for over 14 years married 11, we have 2 beautiful kids together. Our marriage has never been perfect, but about 3 years ago I learned he had a drug problem and did everything I could to get him away from that lifestyle, by packing up and moving several times. Everytime he would find a way to lose touch with reality. Recently last year to be exact we were asleep and awakened by police at our door and being charged with trafficking drugs. I have never been so devestated as I am and always will be drug free, all I did was work and provide for my family, while I was working my husband was doing this in our home in front of our son! I was arrested and got out on an unsecured bond after 2 days while incarcerated my daughter broke her leg and was admitted into the hospital. So now I was left by myself with a hanicapp child in a wheel chair and a toddler to care for. I was devestated and quickly went into a major depression. During this time I met a man who I call my angel who picked me up when I had fallen, who I fell completely madly in love with, who never hurt me but helped me to stay strong and stable for my kids. The problem is my husband is out now and saying he has changed, and now realizes what he has lost, I hear what he is saying but am hurt so much from the past that I feel I cant get over it. I love him but am not in love with him I am in love with my angel!! I don't know what to do?When I take the kids to visit him, I dont feel the same as I once did, I cant kiss him and hug him without thinking of the other. I feel I need to let my husband go and be happy for once but I also feel it will crush him completely and I don't have the strength or the heart to do that. My angel is waiting in the corner for me to make a decision as is my husband. I want to do the right thing but I dont know what that right thing is? Please help me!!
 

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The right thing is to leave your husband.

You gave him chances. He gave you a record. Stop feeling guilty. Take a look at your kids, do you want them to make the same mistakes? Go, be happy.
 

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Your husband has earned it. Sometimes he must learn it the hard way or he never learned at all. You couldn't let your angel go now that you found your happiness with him. And you cannot live with two men. So the natural choice is to be with your angel and let your husband find his own eventually since you can no longer be his angel.
 

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My sister has been a drug addict since she was 13. She's 30 now. I've lived with this. An addict is an addict. He's doing drugs, he won't care.

OK. He might miss the money. Don't let him use you.

I hate to say that, but he's an addict. Go. Be happy. Live the dream.
 

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Sure he messed up, but he is still your H and father of your children. There is no scenario where he won't forever be part of your life. Don't kid yourself that D and co-parenting will be some happy bed of roses. It never is.

How long will you and your angel "be happy" with each other? You are presently in affair fog so your judgement is clouded to say the least. Neither of you have any idea how your future will play out if you D H and go with this person you only recently met. You haven't been together long enough. You or him could easily could end up in the same place (no feelings for the other) in a couple of years.

Give H one last chance and lay down all your requirements. Then stand back and watch. His words mean nothing, only his actions count, and only over a good period of time.

To truly give your H a shot, you need to drop your affair angel. A good spouse stands by their partner through thick and thin. Heck, it's even in the vows.

If you can't do this, that proves you are in the fog.

Is H aware of your Angel and your desire for him?
 

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Whatever you ultimately decide, I'd like to encourage you not to put the cart before the horse. Just because your H has "discovered" what he's lost doesn't mean he has stopped being an addict.

If you're not seeing some VERY significant signs of recovery and rehabilitation, there really is no good reason to consider going back to him. You'll be doing the same thing you did before, and you'll get the same result.

I didn't see any mention in your post that he's in any kind of recovery, that he has acknowledged his problem (and I don't just mean, "yes, I messed up and I'm sorry." I am talking about "I'm an addict and the rest of my life will have to include support and rehabilitation of some sort.")

It's critical for you to understand what happens with addicts and what's going on in his life. To an addict, their drug of choice IS the most important thing. As you saw, it was more important to him than his family was, and your family has paid a high price because of it. So he went to jail, where he felt lonely in some ways, but where he also got to know other people just like him. People who talked to him about what made them get busted... the mistakes he now knows to avoid! He's built his skills, not decreased them!

Then he gets out of jail. Where does he go? Well, back to the family he came from, of course! If they aren't there, he has nobody to rely on and to help him get back on his feet, so he has a HUGE reason to persuade you to come back even if nothing has changed about his addiction.

I would encourage you to get to some Al-Anon and Nar-Anon meetings ASAP! It can be more challenging to find Nar-Anon meetings, but that'd be my first choice for you. Al-Anon is more geared toward alcoholism, but the principles are the same and you'll get a HUGE benefit from participating in either or both groups. Many Al-Anon members have loved ones who are cross-addicted to drugs other than alcohol, too.
 

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I am on the fence on this one! Personally I knew some addicts and the reality is only a couple of them completely kicked this habit. Even they will admit to this day that it's a day-to-day struggle just not to use. I would not make any major decisions yet. Your H needs to work on himself before he can commit to his family. Time is on your side so you don't have to make any moves one way or the other.

One thing to remember is if you do decide to R with your H do not let him back in without securing your finances and having a secured "out plan" just in case he relapses. I have seen an addict not use for almost 5 years than out of the blue he became active user again, selling every thing he could get his hands on just for a fix
 

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Discussion Starter #11
My husband took AA and NA while incarcerated. He has admitted to me that he is an addict and his mind was just clouded and never realized his love for me. He is currently living with his sister in another county and I am alone with our 2 children. I am trying to do what is right for me and my kids, I know they want their father and need him, but me, I need security and stability. My husband does know about my angel and knows he took care of us when he could'nt! They actually know eachother, my husband cannot say one bad word about him because he knows he is a good man! There is another part to the story that makes things even harder, My angel was married for 13 years and 2 years ago awoke to find his wife dead from a massive heart attack! He felt he would never love again and then I came into the picture, he did his best to not persue a relationship but things just didnt happen this way. i hate that he is hurting and feel he deserves love as well! I do love him and know he would make me very happy but i also feel like my husband deserves a shot too! I honestly dont know what to do? I dont know how to let either one of them go!
 

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My husband took AA and NA while incarcerated. He has admitted to me that he is an addict and his mind was just clouded and never realized his love for me.

A LOT of prisoners do this stuff when they're in because it helps them be less bored than staying in their cells all the time. Has he continued a recovery program since he got out? If not, I wouldn't waste another moment entertaining the idea of getting back together.

He is currently living with his sister in another county and I am alone with our 2 children. I am trying to do what is right for me and my kids, I know they want their father and need him, but me, I need security and stability.

If he knows he's an addict but isn't staying in treatment NOW, then you won't be likely to get security and stability for very long.

My husband does know about my angel and knows he took care of us when he could'nt! They actually know eachother, my husband cannot say one bad word about him because he knows he is a good man! There is another part to the story that makes things even harder, My angel was married for 13 years and 2 years ago awoke to find his wife dead from a massive heart attack! He felt he would never love again and then I came into the picture, he did his best to not persue a relationship but things just didnt happen this way. i hate that he is hurting and feel he deserves love as well! I do love him and know he would make me very happy but i also feel like my husband deserves a shot too!

Why exactly does your husband deserve a shot? Didn't you already give him several?

I honestly dont know what to do? I dont know how to let either one of them go!
 

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Husband issue aside, your 'angel' is the kind of man who would allow a relationship to develop with someone who is married.

Choose to either stay with or leave your husband but do not leave the husband and rush into the arms of another man. You developed a relationship under unusual circumstances. You don't need a man to rescue you. You need to rescue yourself. Husband or no man.
 

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Your right Kathy! He has not continued treatment, he is currently living with his sister and on Home incarceration til May. I have been taking the kids to visit on the weekends and spending time getting to know him again! He seems very depressed and alone as I am also. He stated he graduated from NA and AA and realizes his mistakes and how important we are to him! Throughout our 14 years of marriage I have done everything alone, still births, our youngest being hospitalized for RSV, Our past has truly scarred me and I dont know if I can ever get past it! But I do love him almost like his mother not a wife! The reason I feel like he deserves one last shot is because I have never known the sober husband always the pill addict! but I am also scared of what the future holds and losing my angel to all of this! Anytime I need him he is there taking care of me and making sure I am the happiest woman alive. I am praying for strength everyday to make this decision but this is the hardest decision I have ever had to make!
 

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I think you need to take a step back on both fronts.. you 'angel', on the surface, seem to be a rebound. He may very well be a good man and I will not question that.

However, you were the one who needed a hand up, and he was there for you.

I think you should watch your husband from afare and see how he does...

Meanwhile, you need to also not pursue this relationship with the angel..

Trying to 'run' two men is clouding your judgement.. If the 'angel' is for real, he should respect this.
 
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