[sugar girl]

Hi everyone,
I've been reading some of the posts, and already I feel at least a little bit better becase I feel like I'm not alone. I'm 28 years old, and have no sex drive at all. I feel like, if it were up to me I would never have sex again, I just don't know what's wronge with me My husband and I have been together for 10 years, and have been married for 7, we have a little girl and she's almost two. At the begging of our relationship, I was SO ettracted to him, he's really good looking, and a really great guy, I could barley keep my hands off of him. After we got married the sex was amzing, and it was always fun and easy. The only thing was that do get in the mood we would smoke a joint before. Slowly, slowly, I just felt less and less "in the mood", at first I blamed the bith control pills, then something else, I just felt less sexy, less attracted to him and even less interested in pleasuring myself. I would need to smoke more and more each time to be able to get in the mood. Then we wanted to get pregnent and so weed was off the table, and we were just having less and less sex. There was a certain exitment about making a baby that would sometines get me in the mood, but the sex was nowhere near as often or as good as it was before. Then during pregnancy and after birth my sex drive just died. My husband is really so amazing and patient, he's loving and caring, so it's not a relationship thing. And I just see how hurt he is and how rejected he feels and I just feel awful, like it's my fault He tried to bring up the topic a few times, and everytime I would freak out and get all defensive and say there's no problem, it's just sress/being a mom/ no sleep/ but I feel now that he is right. There is a problem. And I'm also worried, I know he's not the kind of guy that cheats but he's really hot, and woman hit on him all the time, and I'm just worried that he's gonna break at some point. I don't want to lose him, and I don't want him to feel un-loved. The other day he told me he feels like I love the dog and our baby more then I love him. Please help me, I don't know what to do!

 

[waiwera]

Hi sugar girl...glad you posted. Your right to worry about this.... men need sex and the connection and loving feelings that come with it.

Rejection cuts like a knife...be very aware of this. Every cut hurts.

Sometimes when we're not in the mood just starting is enough to get the motor running... once we start having nice body sensations and just 'inhaling' our beloved can get the juices running.

What DOES turn you on? Whats 'sexy' to you?

I'm sure your lovely husband would entertain any fantasies or desires you have.

PS: Birth control does horrid things to sexual desire...is there any chance you can come off this?

 

[DTO]

I've never smoked weed, so I'm guessing here, but doesn't smoking kind of give you that lethargic "whatever" feeling? I also noticed that you ramped up the usage (possible addiction?) then had to stop for the baby.

Three suggestions:

1) It is imperative that you admit to your husband that you understand you have a problem. You also need to resolve yourself to do whatever is needed to overcome it.

2) See a medical doctor and come clean about your issues, including the pot usage.

3) Is there a reason you needed the weed to get in the mood? Any anxiety issues surrounding sex? Maybe some IC would help?

 

[PHTlump]

As DTO said, go to a doctor about your libido. Don't just mention it at your next checkup. Make an appointment specifically for it. Maybe your hormones are out of whack. Pregnancy and birth can do a whammy on your hormones, but it's temporary and you said this was an issue before you were pregnant. So it's likely not an issue that will just go away on its own.

If your hormones check out as normal, then you need to do some mental work. See a sex therapist. And try just having sex with your husband. Men need sex and you are correct that denying him that need is dangerous for your marriage. Even if he doesn't cheat on you, you're giving him one less MAJOR reason to stay married to you. One of the primary reasons men marry is for regular sex.

Libido is kind of a "use it or lose it" thing. Having sex can actually release the chemicals in your brain that will increase your libido. And if you can't get excited about regular sex, try new things to see if you can recapture that spark.

Good luck.

 

[wiigirl]

As DTO said, go to a doctor about your libido. Don't just mention it at your next checkup. Make an appointment specifically for it. Maybe your hormones are out of whack. Pregnancy and birth can do a whammy on your hormones, but it's temporary and you said this was an issue before you were pregnant. So it's likely not an issue that will just go away on its own.

If your hormones check out as normal, then you need to do some mental work. See a sex therapist. And try just having sex with your husband. Men need sex and you are correct that denying him that need is dangerous for your marriage. Even if he doesn't cheat on you, you're giving him one less MAJOR reason to stay married to you. One of the primary reasons men marry is for regular sex.

Libido is kind of a "use it or lose it" thing. Having sex can actually release the chemicals in your brain that will increase your libido. And you can't get excited about regular sex, try new things to see if you can recapture that spark.

Good luck.

:iagree:

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[Trying2figureitout]

OP... I feel for you as a husband myself trapped in a sexless marriage.

I'm going to speak for your husband....

Just as an idea of what I myself a sexless husband am willing to accept is .....four years of trying to turn it around.... since ILYNILWY. Four years then that's it.

Here's the good thing...

I will not leave my wife over sex (especially if there is good reason)

Here's the bottom line from a husband perspective that has his #1 need on hold in my case no sex this year, twice last year, 7 times year before.....

Personally my brain allocates 10% of its processing power to WTF happenned...its like a constant drag. Been that way for almost three years! That means I always operate at a deficit. I make more mistakes, less happy, more stressed... you get the picture.

I will leave her if she refuses to admit there is an issue, blames me, seemingly does everything else besides sex and dances around the issue, does not want to be educated, holds a grudge, refuses to meet halfway, refuses to go outside herself for help, refuses to do anything until it she feels right...etc.

Guys want the issue identified and a solution path followed that you and he agree on. As long as you are completely honest (don't sugar coat it) with your husband. Work it out together and take all avenues to attempt to address the issue head on. Also make this the #1 priority in your marriage to solve. Don't bury your head in the sand like my wife mostly has.

Kudos for you for reaching out... tell your husband about this he needs to know you are searching for help!

The worst part as a husband is.... Being kept in limbo and out of the loop and the sense that you (husband) are putting in way more effort to resolve the issue that your wife who has the issue.

Your husband will not leave you if he is a decent man. Men understand when they have the facts and are kept informed of progress. WE actually do love you wives and will care for you if you are sick.... lack of libido is a form of sickness to us. We mostly cannot fathom that at all.

If my wife ended up injured so she could never have sex I would not leave her... if she holds resentment and withholds sex intentionally for more than four years I will. My wifes issue is fixable... yours sound fixable also.

Let your husband know you really did enjoy sex with him, you did find him very attractive but now not as much etc. Make sure he know its not him at all. BE 100% HONEST WITH HIM.

Parter with your husband and keep him in the loop always!

Its both your issue so deal with it together in lock-step.
Good luck.

Your husband can thank me later.

 

[Liam]

Agree with the others that have mentioned going to see a doctor. This might sound crazy, but how is your diet? Eating lots of fruit and vegetables so you can get all the right nutrients and vitamins into your system can make a big difference.

 

[TommysDad]

In my own relationship I have a hard time figuring out how to reconcile people that have two very different sex drives.

Either way someone is left with their needs unmet. That is a big problem and someone has to be satisfied with what they get or willing to meet the other partners needs.

From someone that is going through this since the start of my marriage and has let it get to the point where I have a truckload of resentment, please don't let it get to that point or your asking for trouble.

Maybe a medical doctor can help identify the problem, maybe there is some lingering effects from the marijuana, (I can tell that it has affected your ability to spell) so maybe there are some lingering effects over the years to your sex drive. Someone said be honest with your Doctor and I would echo that sentiment. Good Luck, I hope things get repaired.

 

[indiecat]

Don't you find that once you start making love that you enjoy at least the touching and the closeness? The more sex you have the more your libido will increase. Do you not feel that you should be doing it to make HIM happy? If it doesn't physically hurt you to have sex then why deny an otherwise good husband??
Fake it till you make it. Come on to him tonight whether you FEEL like it or not, it's part of being a loving partner. Meeting HIS needs, even if you don't share those needs. You are worried he's going to break.....but you don't care enough to just get down and make love to him? I don't get this at all. It isn't all about you. I did lots of things with my h that I didn't like, car shows, visit his relatives etc. Why take a chance on losing your marriage over this?

 

[sugar girl]

Thank you all for your support and responses.

TommysDad- lol, yeah, my spelling sucks, sorry English is my second language, so it's not the weed

Indiecat- "If it doesn't physically hurt you to have sex then why deny an otherwise good husband??" I find your response really insulting. I should fake it? Are you serious? You can pay woman to do that,and I'm not one of them, sorry...

Regarding going to a doctor, that some of you have suggested, I don't know, it's just really not my thing. I don't even take Advil. I think that taking medication is in most cases a way to deal with the symptom not the problem, in that respect, it's exactly like weed, in that it's a quick fix. I eat very well and am very into health and wellness, I do regular checkups and blood tests so I don't think it's a health issue.

Trying2figureitout- I really appreciate your point of view, it's really importiant for me to hear. I know my husband is a great guy and he would never leave me for a sex thing, but I see that he's hurt and that he feels rejected and that hurts me very much. I'm very satisfied in my marrige and it hurts knowing that he feels something is missing. Up untill now, everytime he would bring it up, I didn't admit that there was a "problem". When he suggested sex therapy there was nothing to talk about, I just felt like it was his problem, and he was pressuring me. And I think your right that that's really hard to deal with. I do feel like now I'm in a diffrent place where I feel like it's not "his" problem, but it's "our" problem, beacause if he's not happy then I'm not happy. I have started looking online about diffrent books and stuff, and even though now I feel like I would be open to go to a sex therapist, we really can't afford it. It's not like we never have sex, but even when we do, it's not fun and easy like it used to be, the smallest thing can turn me off and I lose focus. I have tried to "play along" and kind of start even if I'm not in the mood, but then the sex is usually bad, and then I feel like what's the point of it if I'm not enjoying it?

 

[Relic]

You initiate. Tell your husband today that the two of you are going to do this on Saturday night (in two days).

Try laying in bed together with your computer and watch porn together.

Do you own a vibrator? Get one. Use it when you're together. A cheap one is about $15.

Put the weed away and have two glasses of red wine each.

Lose the kid for a few hours or make sure Jr. is fast asleep. Wear the kid out during the day.

I'd bet my prescription will work better than a doctor's appointment :>)

Report back.

 

[sugar girl]

Relic- I come fom a very religious backround and when I first found out that my husband watches porn I was shocked. Yes, really. I don't know, I guess I didn't think that's something guys really do. But now I know it's normal and everyone does it, I tried watching porn with him a few times, honestly, most of the time it kind of grosses me out... About the vibrator, I have 3! not that they're in use, but I own them. My husband bought them at diffrent times as gifts trying to get me to feel more sexual. At the time I was really hurt and told him it's like buying a fat person a exercise machine. Now I get that he ment well but I just am not feeling the jive. And together? I just don't feel comfortable enogh to do that...

 

[SadSamIAm]

Thank you all for your support and responses.

TommysDad- lol, yeah, my spelling sucks, sorry English is my second language, so it's not the weed

Indiecat- "If it doesn't physically hurt you to have sex then why deny an otherwise good husband??" I find your response really insulting. I should fake it? Are you serious? You can pay woman to do that,and I'm not one of them, sorry...

Regarding going to a doctor, that some of you have suggested, I don't know, it's just really not my thing. I don't even take Advil. I think that taking medication is in most cases a way to deal with the symptom not the problem, in that respect, it's exactly like weed, in that it's a quick fix. I eat very well and am very into health and wellness, I do regular checkups and blood tests so I don't think it's a health issue.

Trying2figureitout- I really appreciate your point of view, it's really importiant for me to hear. I know my husband is a great guy and he would never leave me for a sex thing, but I see that he's hurt and that he feels rejected and that hurts me very much. I'm very satisfied in my marrige and it hurts knowing that he feels something is missing. Up untill now, everytime he would bring it up, I didn't admit that there was a "problem". When he suggested sex therapy there was nothing to talk about, I just felt like it was his problem, and he was pressuring me. And I think your right that that's really hard to deal with. I do feel like now I'm in a diffrent place where I feel like it's not "his" problem, but it's "our" problem, beacause if he's not happy then I'm not happy. I have started looking online about diffrent books and stuff, and even though now I feel like I would be open to go to a sex therapist, we really can't afford it. It's not like we never have sex, but even when we do, it's not fun and easy like it used to be, the smallest thing can turn me off and I lose focus. I have tried to "play along" and kind of start even if I'm not in the mood, but then the sex is usually bad, and then I feel like what's the point of it if I'm not enjoying it?

You are wrong. You say how you felt this was his problem. Now you are saying it its 'our' problem because "if he's not happy then I'm not happy."

This is YOUR problem. Your husband is perfectly normal. Everyone has a way THEY feel loved. For most men, the way they feel loved is through physical intimacy/sex. He is perfectly normal, you have the problem.

Your response to 'Indiecat' proves my point. Indiecat is trying to tell you that if you love your husband, you will care about him feeling loved. He feels love through physical intimacy/sex, like most men. Your answer is 'he can pay for that'. Do you really want him getting his needs met somewhere else?

This is your problem. You need to find out what is causing you to not care whether your husband feels loved or not.

 

[indiecat]

Making love to your husband once in awhile is not prostitution! It's going outside your own wants and needs to make your partner happy and fulfilled.
"What's the point if I'm not enjoying it"... You made the point; he feels rejected, and if he's not happy, then you're not happy".

 

[Relic]

Watching porn is something that a lot of men and women do, and if it's in the context of trying to raise some excitement while you're together, it's not such a bad thing. Tell your husband to find some tame stuff for you to watch together.

Dust off the vibrators. Your husband didn't get it to help you out. A vibrator is an essential basic equipment in any marriage. Like a microwave oven in the kitchen.

Have a glass of wine or two.

Try this out!

Many people here have made helpful suggestions. Many doors have been opened for you to walk through. Choose one. You have to do something to try to change things.

You've got no hang-ups making choices like smoking dope. Try to get past the sexual hang-ups from your religious upbringing.

Get healthy so you can raise a healthy child in a happy home.

I think your husband is fine. These are your issues and you have to own them and actively do something to deal with them. You are putting your happy home at risk. These sex issues seem not be his problem or the two-of-your problem. Rather it sounds like this is your problem and your husband has been trying to help you lovingly and he is getting selfish responses in return.

I refer you back to your thread title: Lost my sex drive, don't want to lose my husband.

Well, do you or don't you? A sexless marriage is not an option. Do something quickly to repair the bond that you are severely testing.

 

[PHTlump]

Indiecat- "If it doesn't physically hurt you to have sex then why deny an otherwise good husband??" I find your response really insulting. I should fake it? Are you serious? You can pay woman to do that,and I'm not one of them, sorry...

If that's your attitude, then just tell your husband to hold out as long as he can. Personally, I get nothing out of taking out the trash. It's just not my thing. When one trash can fills up, I can easily put another can beside the first and wait until they're both full before taking it out. That means half as many trips to the curb for me. But, my wife likes a clean house. So, I take out the trash. It's not for me. It's for her.

For your husband, sex is even more important than my wife's preference for an empty trash can. He needs it. He will crack without it. I don't know if he'll cheat on you, divorce you, or just continue living with you while he steadily grows to despise you. But he won't just accept your lack of interest in him the way you wish he would.

Regarding going to a doctor, that some of you have suggested, I don't know, it's just really not my thing.

Well, if it's not your thing, maybe you can just tell your husband that. Maybe masturbating isn't really your husband's thing. But you expect him to keep doing that.

Trying2figureitout- I really appreciate your point of view, it's really importiant for me to hear. I know my husband is a great guy and he would never leave me for a sex thing, but I see that he's hurt and that he feels rejected and that hurts me very much.

Trying2figureitout is atypical. He's been in a sexless relationship since the beginning of his marriage. His wife has shown many indications that she is cheating on him. Three years ago, she basically told him point blank that she was no longer interested in having sex with him. And he's done nothing but blame himself, refuse to believe that she would ever cheat on him, and keep insisting that he won't continue to take it much longer, even though he does. At two years, he swore it wouldn't go three. At three years, he's now swearing it won't go four. At ten years, he'll be swearing it won't go eleven. I'm guessing your husband has more self-respect than Trying2figureitout.

I do feel like now I'm in a diffrent place where I feel like it's not "his" problem, but it's "our" problem, beacause if he's not happy then I'm not happy.

It's good that you are starting to see this as your problem, as well as his. But I can tell you that it was never his problem at all. A man expecting to have sex with his wife doesn't have a problem. He's normal and typical.

So, to solve your problem, you need to start taking action. You've listed the actions you're not interested in, such as having sex when you're not turned on, even though you never get turned on, and going to the doctor. But you have to actually do something besides apologize to your husband for denying him sex.

One other idea I have is to buy your husband The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011 | MMSL Primer | By Athol Kay | Married Man Sex Life

There is some good information in there about how to help men cope with sexless marriages.

Good luck.

 

[PHTlump]

Making love to your husband once in awhile is not prostitution! It's going outside your own wants and needs to make your partner happy and fulfilled.
"What's the point if I'm not enjoying it"... You made the point; he feels rejected, and if he's not happy, then you're not happy".

:iagree:
If all she values her husband for is his paycheck, then at least give him permission to get a girlfriend to make him feel loved and desired.

 

[AsTheStoryGoes]

As a woman in a very similar situation as you..it's good that you're seeking help, that's how I found my way to this forum as well. But with all do respect, it seems like you are turning down most of these great ideas people are throwing out to you. If you're just not willing to try anything (like seeing a doctor, you don't have to take any medication they prescribe you, but at least see what one has to say just to make some kind of effort?) then what is the point?

Have you tried any kind of role playing? I did while I was pregnant and I honestly had so much fun (I found my husband's story plot to be hilarious) it got me in such a playful mood that I enjoyed the sex, where as like you, it's hard for me to really get into it at times. For me, after having kids, there's just less sensation down there.

Do you enjoy reading? Have you tried some romance or erotic novels? That's how I ended up pregnant with my second child. Reading erotic books also helped get me more turned on to my husband and interested in doing things with him, new and old, where before it was harder for me to get turned on by him because there was less attraction..I can't quite explain how that all works, but it did help me at least.

Tried any new sexual positions or something you've never done before? Strip tease, lap dance, etc.. for me seeing my husband get so worked up, it most of the time gets me pretty excited too and makes things go a lot smoothly. Do you enjoy giving him oral sex, that way you don't have to always have vaginal sex, and he gets satisfied? I don't want to gross you out, but I tried letting my husband finish on my face (one of the things he and I had never tried before) and it was so new and exciting (and easy!) that it made us both happy haha. I used to be freaked out by the idea, but it wasn't at all how I thought it would be and I got so much enjoyment out of making him happy and seeing his reaction.

I also completely understand outside factors affecting your concentration during sex. I have a 2 year old, a 4 week old, and my husband and I live at my dad's and grandfather's house for the time being while my husband is in school. Definitely try finding a babysitter for your little one and having just an adult night, spend some quality time with each other and start trying to do this regularly (I know..easier said than done sometimes).

Good luck! I hope you find something that works for you.

 

[Tall Average Guy]

Indiecat- "If it doesn't physically hurt you to have sex then why deny an otherwise good husband??" I find your response really insulting. I should fake it? Are you serious? You can pay woman to do that,and I'm not one of them, sorry...

Do you think that everything that you husband does for you is something he loves and is into? Or does he do things he does not like or is not into because he loves you and knows it is important.

Regarding going to a doctor, that some of you have suggested, I don't know, it's just really not my thing. I don't even take Advil. I think that taking medication is in most cases a way to deal with the symptom not the problem, in that respect, it's exactly like weed, in that it's a quick fix. I eat very well and am very into health and wellness, I do regular checkups and blood tests so I don't think it's a health issue.

Sounds like an excuse to do nothing. You don't like medication, but admit to weed. You also have no problems with birth control pills, or getting regular checkups and blood tests. so which is it?

Trying2figureitout- I really appreciate your point of view, it's really importiant for me to hear. I know my husband is a great guy and he would never leave me for a sex thing, but I see that he's hurt and that he feels rejected and that hurts me very much.

Actually, don't be too sure. It will likely not just be about sex, but sex will be a big part of it. It tends to be a slower process for men, but no sex leads to resentment. Once that ball starts rolling, it gathers every little annoyance that was cute when you two have a happy fullfilling sex life but now turns him off.

I'm very satisfied in my marrige and it hurts knowing that he feels something is missing

Of course you are. You are getting your needs met and don't need to meet his needs.

Up untill now, everytime he would bring it up, I didn't admit that there was a "problem". When he suggested sex therapy there was nothing to talk about, I just felt like it was his problem, and he was pressuring me. And I think your right that that's really hard to deal with. I do feel like now I'm in a diffrent place where I feel like it's not "his" problem, but it's "our" problem, beacause if he's not happy then I'm not happy. I have started looking online about diffrent books and stuff, and even though now I feel like I would be open to go to a sex therapist, we really can't afford it. It's not like we never have sex, but even when we do, it's not fun and easy like it used to be, the smallest thing can turn me off and I lose focus. I have tried to "play along" and kind of start even if I'm not in the mood, but then the sex is usually bad, and then I feel like what's the point of it if I'm not enjoying it?

So does he not get to do the things that he does not enjoy? If he, for example, has a crap day and just does not feel like talking to you, can he lock himself in his den to drink beer and watch the game while ignoring you?

I know I am being harsh, but I see a lot of excuses. That you recognize it is a problem is good, but you sound too much like many low drive people who acknowledge the problem but don't do anything to fix it because at a gut level, it is not their problem.

Work with your husband to fix this. Figure out what external factors (hormones or birth control) that may be effecting your drive. Figure out what things you are doing to hurt your drive (not letting go of resentment, bad body image). Figure out things that he is doing that hurt your drive (his gaining weight, his losing traits that you found attractive).

Don't just tell him you recognize the problem, but show him that you really want to fix it.

 

[Interlocutor]

Wow, PHT and Tall Average, great posts!

Very refreshing... Sometimes when people want advice, they seek it out of guilt, and asking for some relieves that guilt... Now FOLLOWING the advice and making changes... Well, many people are surprised that it actually takes effort... Who'd of thunk, right?

I hope this is not another one of those posts where somebody has a problem and then vents for relief but resists and comes up with excuses for carrying out any resolutions...
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