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I have been married for 10 years. We've had problems from day one but have managed to stick things out. I am completely in love with my husband and can't see me being with anyone else. That being said, here's where we are now.

This summer we got in a very stupid fight (over brownies and jelly beans) that got way out of control and he ended up hitting me. I kicked him out for that. (I was raised in an abusive home and do not want my son to see anything like that). We talked after that and decided that neither one of us wanted out of our marriage but we needed help. We agreed on counseling but he always has an excuse to cancel it. Then an old female friend of his comes to town. He lies to me about going out of state with her for a week. Then he starts acting weird and picking fights. I find out later that she was staying with him at his friends house while we were supposed to be working on our marriage. They both say that nothing happened. She is also married. She did tell me that she started falling in love with my husband and did everything she could to get him to have sex with her but he wouldn't.

He has moved back in with me. We still have not started counseling. He says that he is punishing me for kicking him out by withholding sex. He doesn't work, he doesn't do anything. He will bring me to work in the mornings and take my car all day. He will pick me up from work and we will go home. When we get there he will leave and go to his friends house until around 3am when he knows that I'm asleep. This is our routine.

I have talked to him about how I feel. I have told him what I want and need from him. I have said that he needs to grow up and realize that this is a marriage and we need to work on it together.

Then last week I noticed a change. He wasn't talking to me but was always on my phone texting. When I would get the phone all text and pictures and emails were deleted. When asked he said that the phone must have done it. I broke down and checked his email. I saw emails from other women, very sexual messages. I saw that he was now a member of several places to meet singles. He was even a member of a "married, want to mess around, but not divorce my spouse" group.

My husband is a very jealous person. He doesn't like me to hang out with friends so I have given them all up. He doesn't like me to talk to my mother or sisters but I refuse to give them up. I'm lonely and feel like I'm all alone in my relationship. I'm still very much in love with him. I can't think of my life without him. We have had good times as well but right now these bad times are far more.

I really just need advice and suggestions.
 

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You ARE alone in your marriage. Why would you stay in a situation like this? And don't say because of love since you need two willing partners who love each other and right now you don't even love yourself.

Have some dignity and get out of this situation.
 

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OK, wow. This man physically abused you over brownies and jelly beans, cheated on you (yes, he cheated on you!), refuses to make any effort to go through with marriage counseling, leaves you at home to go to a "friends" house until 3am, controls you by leaving you with a car while you are at work, blames YOU for his worthless behavior and is obviously texting someone he doesn't want you to know about. Using YOUR phone??? Like I said -- WOW!

I get that you are "in love" with him but like one responder said.....you need to love yourself. You need to have some self respect. Stop being a doormat. You left him when he put his hands on you so why are you sticking around for this too? Because somehow mental abuse is "better" than physical?

Honey, please leave this person until he is able to get help. Oh, and get yourself an STD test.
 

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So sorry to hear of the pain and struggles you are going through. It seems as though you are the only one in the marriage that is willing to work on it. I hope that doesn't sound too harsh..just an observation based on what you posted. :( Have you considered going to counseling by yourself? You need some sound advice for yourself even if your husband won't go. Just a suggestion here...a really good book for your situation; The Emotionally Destructive Relationship by Leslie Vernick. I really hope you guys can turn things around.:pray:
 

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It doesn't look like you're in a relationship at all. That requires two people to be present and together, which you guys obviously are not. He's not in your corner, and he doesn't love you. A man that wants his woman is there with her 24/7 if he could be. Not staying out all night, on dating sites... and worst of all hitting her.

Men in love don't abuse their love, they nurture it.
 

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He was out of town with another woman. He stayed at his friends house with this other woman. Sexual emails from other women, texts etc. No job, no car. The guy is using you and God only knows how many woman he is sleeping with. Ick. Run and run fast. He will try to hang onto you because he needs a place to stay, money, transportation. So you know he is going to say anything he thinks you want to hear so that he isn't out on the street. Kick the dog out and change the locks fast and don't look back.
 

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Anytime there is violence in a marriage, not to mention jealousy which can be a predictor of violence and control, there should be careful assessment of safety concerns, as well as whether there can be a balance of responsibility in the marriage. If he is not willing to go for marital therapy, go by yourself to begin carefully assessing the strengths and weaknesses of the marriage, and begin working on yourself. David Olsen, Ph.D, LMFT
 
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