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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
this is my first post and the first step i've taken in trying to reach out to others who are or have gone through a similar situation.

two years ago, i married my best friend and partner. we started dating in college, lived abroad together several years after, and when we came back, got married. we're still "young" (in our late-twenties) but were happy--hopefully not too naive but not too cynical, either. friends praised us for our practical and communicative stances on marital life, and i really felt like we had everything in the world going for us.

several months ago, i was asked if i would like to be promoted to the HQ for my company. it was a shock--and a scary one--since it would take me from the east coast all the way to LA. he and i deliberated for months before agreeing that it was worth a shot. and then everything went to hell.

he's always been a procrastinator, but i did basically all of the packing myself. i found new renters for our apartment, arranged furniture pick ups on craigslist, figured out all the logistics for shipping our car and things across the country. he was still busy at work and although i was frustrated, i just knew he would make it all up to me once we got out there.

but a week after moving to LA, he left. he went back east and said he had to finish work on one last project because his boss had gotten fired and there was no one else to clean up the mess. i begged him not to go, but he went anyway. for a month, we talked, but it felt strange. a day would go by without him picking up, but he always had a story.

last week, he finally came back. i was thrilled. in the past month, i'd found a great apartment and couldn't wait to just finally start our new life together. but i was suspicious beneath all of that happiness. he kept going outside for long phone calls and although he attended multiple job interviews, refused to decide on which job to take. and saturday night, i finally found proof of his infidelity through a text conversation with one of his co-workers. eventually, he told me everything--they'd slept together twice, he still viewed her as a friend, etc. it was like a punch in the face. i couldn't stop crying. even though i've always had a strong work ethic, i asked to take leave from work to get things sorted. i hated that i had to do this, because i'm still new and they had flown me all the way out here and given me a massive promotion. i felt like i was a disappointment.

two nights ago, we talked and he agreed to stay in the city while we worked things out. i was happy, for the first time in a week. i felt like a human. but then, last night, his brother called me and told me that my husband was on a plane, going back to the east. he ignored me calls all night and until i finally tracked him down--he had just gone into work like a normal person. he asked, "how are you? what's up?" in this calm voice, as if nothing had happened. i felt sick, thinking that he was eating lunch with Her, confiding in Her, letting Her help him, when i was just not even worth a text or a call yesterday. this betrayal was even bigger than the cheating--he had allowed me to have hope of rebuilding our relationship only to put me through all this misery again.

so now i'm stuck in LA with a job i don't love, with an apartment that i can't afford on my own, and without any real support system out here. i have a few college friends (the type you partied with and had classes with but just stopped talking to after graduating) that live out here, but my family lives on the east coast, too. i want to hate him more than anything, but when you've been with someone since you were 18, that person becomes part of your life and who you are as a person. honestly, i don't know what it feels like to be alone.

my sister is out here for now and my mom is flying out here tomorrow when my sister has to leave. i'm so afraid of being alone in this. i don't know what i'm doing in my life anymore.
 

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First, this infidelity would not matter if you were there or where you are, he'd still be a lying cheater.

Focus on you - this great promotion and opportunity for your future. Enroll in a gym (we lived in LA for 10 years - there are some great gyms).

Get in touch with those friends and go out with them often. Get involved in social activities and volunteer activities.

This hurts without a doubt but by him choosing to leave, he made the healing process start a lot faster than dragging it out for another year.
 

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What a sonofabeatch!

I'm so sorry.

File for divorce, detach, hard 180. Only by text/email, only logistics, practical things. Don't give him more of your heart, he doesn't deserve you.

I'm glad your family is going to help you.

You talked with his brother, does his family know?
 

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he ignored me calls all night and until i finally tracked him down--he had just gone into work like a normal person. he asked, "how are you? what's up?" in this calm voice, as if nothing had happened.
Master gaslighter, he's too far gone. Someione capable of doing this is...
What he "diclosed" is just the tip of the iceberg.
BY hhis actions he's teeling you who he is, believe him.

I'm so sorry.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 · (Edited)
What a sonofabeatch!

I'm so sorry.

File for divorce, detach, hard 180. Only by text/email, only logistics, practical things. Don't give him more of your heart, he doesn't deserve you.

I'm glad your family is going to help you.

You talked with his brother, does his family know?
yes. i talked with his oldest brother, a sister, and his mom. the latter were infuriatingly calm and rational and kept talking about "if you take him back" until i just shouted that it's not about him wanting to come back anymore. and then i hung up. it's never felt so good to hang up on someone. ever.

his brother and his brother's wife had more normal responses and didn't make me feel insane. his brother lives in LA, as well, but i don't know him very well compared to his east coast siblings.

he has taken so much from me, most importantly my ability to function like a normal human being. i don't want to have to take time off from my new job to "heal", because i don't want them to think it was a mistake for giving me this very uncommon promotion. my respect at work as always been of immense importance to me--being the first person in the office, the last to leave, the one who will come let someone in when they've forgotten their keys, who will always pick up the slack even if it's not my particular area of expertise. and for him to make me feel like i can't even prove myself as an intelligent, worthy person is crushing. i don't feel strong, i feel weak. these people whom i barely even know...that this is the impression they are getting from me makes me miserable.

i know i should get into my old hobbies again--buy an easel, paint, and a fresh canvas. or i could join a choir. i'm not even religious anymore but there is a church next door where maybe i could just sing at mass. i'm not much of a gym person, and i'm actually quite healthy and small as it is. these past two months have taken a huge toll on me (the move, the cheating, the aftermath), so even though i have been a steady size 26 inch waist for years, i dropped to a small 24. but every time i eat, i just feel nauseous and have to run to the bathroom to be sick.
 

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Well, I don't know if what I'm going to say will be much comfort at the moment, but here goes...

You're better off. Far better off. And lucky you found out now before you had children with this coward.

He was tested with the long distance relationship part of this, and failed. Miserably. In a pretty short period of time I might add.

LDR's are tough. And the weak people usually don't make it through. He didn't. Better to see it now than later.

My W and I can relate. She took a promotion that put her 4 to 5 hours away. We talked it over before hand. We were both scared of what could happen. I came to the conclusion that we should do it. It was good for her career, AND, it was a test for us. I figured that while I could avoid the uncertainty of a LDR if she just did not move, that by not doing so, I'd never have the certainty that we could weather such a "storm". I gave my blessing. I figured if she couldn't stay loyal for that 6 months without me there, she was not worth having.

Now, on her side. While she was afraid of what the long distance may do to us, she was also afraid of living alone. She had never done so in her 45 years. Went right from home with the parents to a 20 plus year marriage. Had never had to live alone.

Well, she handled it pretty good. She gained a ton of confidence in herself, and in us. Towards the end of her time there though, after she did what she had to do, she was getting very anxious to live together again as planned. And we again are.

That time for us was such a rewarding, confidence building, and fun time.

It can be so for you. I know it sucks right now being alone and going through this. My advice would be this:

File for divorce from this cheating COWARD immediately. Who does that? Leaves their wife without having the balls to say goodbye, and having his brother do the dirty work he was not man enough to handle? Aside from the fact he betrayed you when your trust in him had to be at its highest, the fact he is such a coward should be enough reason alone to ditch him and never look back.

Get involved in your new job. Throw yourself into it big time. Make some friends at work, and start socializing with them outside of the office.

Find a place you can afford, and turn it into YOUR home. Your bachelorette pad. Make it everything you've always wanted in a place to live, but that you never could before. Make it a place you love to come home to. Find a new place that he has not been to. Never allow him in the new place.

Sorry for you, but you'll get through this and be better off, believe it or not. On the other side of this current heartbreak and lonliness is a new, fun, exciting life out there waiting for you to grab hold of. Start doing so NOW. Don't wait for him to "make his mind up" or for anything else. Start now. He's not worthy of saving.

You've got a lot going for you. Don't lose sight of that, or throw it away on a cheating coward of a "man".

It will be hard, but it is time to go no contact with him. You can't heal as long as you're in contact, with the constant reminders and refreshing of heartbreak. File for divorce, change your number, and move. Dropping off the face of his earth is the best thing you can do for yourself.
 

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yes. i talked with his oldest brother, a sister, and his mom. the latter were infuriatingly calm and rational and kept talking about "if you take him back" until i just shouted that it's not about him wanting to come back anymore. and then i hung up. it's never felt so good to hang up on someone. ever.

his brother and his brother's wife had more normal responses and didn't make me feel insane. his brother lives in LA, as well, but i don't know him very well compared to his east coast siblings.

he has taken so much from me, most importantly my ability to function like a normal human being. i don't want to have to take time off from my new job to "heal", because i don't want them to think it was a mistake for giving me this very uncommon promotion. my respect at work as always been of immense importance to me--being the first person in the office, the last to leave, the one who will come let someone in when they've forgotten their keys, who will always pick up the slack even if it's not my particular area of expertise. and for him to make me feel like i can't even prove myself as an intelligent, worthy person is crushing. i don't feel strong, i feel weak. these people whom i barely even know...that this is the impression they are getting from me makes me miserable.

i know i should get into my old hobbies again--buy an easel, paint, and a fresh canvas. or i could join a choir. i'm not even religious anymore but there is a church next door where maybe i could just sing at mass. i'm not much of a gym person, and i'm actually quite healthy and small as it is. these past two months have taken a huge toll on me (the move, the cheating, the aftermath), so even though i have been a steady size 26 for years, i dropped to a small 24. but every time i eat, i just feel nauseous and have to run to the bathroom to be sick.
I'm sorry - this is terrible for anyone to go through.

Staying busy is a good thing for you right now. My comment about the gym was more about an activity to get out of the house, not losing weight. Make sure to eat as healthy as you can manage right now.

Some individual counseling might be good right now too to get some coping mechanisms in place to start healing.

LA is a great place to get out and see things. Make a list of things to see and start tackling it in your free time. Don't spend a lot of time sitting at home alone over the next month or so.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
i don't think i have to worry about moving since he's over 3,000 miles away.

i'm cutting our shared mobile plan now, since it was under my name. but his name is also on the lease for this apartment, even though he only lived here for a week.
 

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First, this infidelity would not matter if you were there or where you are, he'd still be a lying cheater.

Focus on you - this great promotion and opportunity for your future. Enroll in a gym (we lived in LA for 10 years - there are some great gyms).

Get in touch with those friends and go out with them often. Get involved in social activities and volunteer activities.

This hurts without a doubt but by him choosing to leave, he made the healing process start a lot faster than dragging it out for another year.
I agree that he would have cheated whether you were back east or not.

I like Red's suggestions. Keep your body active (gym - or dance classes) your emotional state active (yoga?, counseling?) your mental acuity sharp (learn as many process at work as you can - stay the 'go-to' person)
Don't overdo work though.

Don't respond to his texts or emails. He needs to be present for a face to face. If he comes for a f2f just listen calmly. Don't argue. Let him make his 'case' if he has one.

At most tell him "you've given me something to think about and I will"
 

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donny64, I don't think it's the LDR thing. I think he was involved with this OW way before the move. That why he resisted it.
And i'm sure in his mind it's not the end.
Poeple in affairs become so self centerd who completely lose perspective of the reality, their self importance. I'm sure he still believes he can go to LA and OP will accept him. Even after the running as a coward without telling a word. Even after exposure.

They are that deluded.

If I knew how OW is I'd likely try to mess with their jobs.
 

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First, go through the newbies link in the first page.
Go and see a doctor, LA is a new place for you.

Be in the company of your mom and if possible your sister.

Got kids? I dont think.

Hang in here, experts will talk about exposing your WH to OWH etc. Wait......
 

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They work together, so Tuesday morning you contact his HR and report the relationship.

Next you track down the OW and find if she's got a bf or husband. I'm betting she does since your H isn't staying with her.

Blow up the affair on him, that will resolve the question of him picking a new job, and it will put distance between him and the OW.
 

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Lost - keep in touch with folks here if you can. They can be a really good means of support.

How was the weekend?
 
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