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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Needed to get some help from someone. Quick background...16yr marriage gone stale due to me being a selfish guy not giving enough attention and not noticing. I did notice more contact with "just a friend" but caught it right on time.
I had been watching my wife due to many lies i caught her in and when it came down to being at a motel I had it! I tried to get there to confront them but since i work a long ways I got there too late. Her phone went dark and for close to 45 minutes they both were in a locked room fueled by alcohol. I have since been told that nothing happened and there is much remorse but there is still that time that cannot be accounted for. I was able to get them before anymore could happen but only they can say that....
We both have been under immense stress and I can't really fault her but I am torn up thinking something happened. I have agreed to keep together but still get gut wrenching thoughts of may have been........i guess i just restart the trust?
 

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sorry your here smokey.

Wife's that been married for 16 years don't date in motels. she is having a sexual affair. You may have stop it once but its too late.. sorry .

do you have kids?

do you know the guy?

get tested for std and call a lawyer as soon as you wake up. get mentally ready for a lot of strife and hardship.
 

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Have her take a polgraph this week. Only a couple hundred to prove/test her story.

You need to expose the OM - is he married have a gf? Tell her - you want him to dump your wife and throw her under the bus.

And this wasn't their first time. First times are in backs of cars. It's only long term affairs which plan out and organize hotels.
 

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What has your wife done to "restart the trust"?

Your in deniel, one two adults are in a locked room with booze you can bet that they had sex. Adults don't fool around like a couple of school kids, adults are experienced and know what feels good.

You need to address her adultory, and not sweep it under the rug, cuz if you do it will continue and at best it stops only to relaps in the future with a different man.

Until you wife addresses her adultous behavior and why she makes the choices she makes then she hasn't learned the tools to affair proof the marriage for the future.
 

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We both have been under immense stress and I can't really fault her
Hmmm.... big mistake IMO
I can understand not faulting her for asking for a divorce. But to not fault her for spending a drunken afternoon/evening at a motel with another guy ...and nothing happened?

Please... respect yourself -
 

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Most honorable folks get out of a unhealthy marriage, by divorcing or going to counseling. Your wife handled her unhealthy marriage by decieving you. That is not your fault, it was a choice your wife made in taking the easy way out instead of addressing the unhealthy marriage.
 

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There's no way you can 'restart' trust. Do you know the depth of her affair? Do you know the OM? How do you know he is permanently out? Was he the only other one?

If you really do 'restart trust' without knowing a lot more - you're going to regret it because it will be a false trust - like your marriage - in name only.
 

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Not good

The others are right. Get a polygraph done because the samrt money says that she's already had sex with this guy
 

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NI did notice more contact with "just a friend" but caught it right on time.
Pull up the phone records and follow the money. Put all the snooping tools in place you you find out on your own most of was going on, to test her honesty/level of commitment and to verify whether OM is really out of the picture.

Make your demands.
-She needs to send a NC letter
-She has to provice all her password, complete transparence in comunication devices. She also acountable of her whereabouts from now on. Add to this financial transparence.
-She must provide a full disclosure of the affair. To your entire satisfaction. She needs to come clean. It started as EA but become a full PA time ago.
-She has to make an complete STD test.
-She must get rid of enabler, toxic friends who encouraged or helped her at any capacity.
-Insert her whatever you want: reading books, IC, MC.. whatever

Sorry man.
 

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My wife tried that one on me as well. They do not go to motels to talk or just have a drink. I would put money on something happened. Once they are caught you get trickle truth. I would push for a lie detecor test.

She will either start telling you more or she will blame shift
 

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I had been watching my wife due to many lies i caught her in
Unless she came out of that motel room with a deck of cards or a board game, I'd add her explanation of 'nothing happened' to another lie you caught her in.

You are in shock and are willing to accept any explanation no matter how implausible it is. I understand that - you feel like a drowning man and want to grasp at any flotsam to keep from going down.

Throw some cold water on your face and work toward real reconciliation - not a fake one - but first follow the advice above from Acabado.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Sorry for the late post....
So the back story goes like this. Before we were married I hooked up with my ex and this was never dealt with until about 5 yrs into the marriage. We have had our ups and downs but nothing to the point of her sneaking around. I myself have not been completely faithful but for me it was just some **** licking not actual sex in a hotel...not that thats any better.
Earlier in the yr we sat down a spoke cause she was ready to leave but we both agreed to work together and keep it alive. Now from what I can tell I was the only one putting in the work ( she agreed) so i started to notice her distancing herself and being more involved in her work. of course i was not listening cause i just wanted sex and not to hear her talk about ****. it wasnt till i noticed she was being a little shady on her explanations on who an where so i started to track via gps.
I caught her in two lies, two diff locations but she was with multiple peoples so it was just odd. the week of, i could tell something was going to happen on that friday so i made plans with friends for that evening. I thought my gps was just off but when the signal went blank i freaked out and jammed to the hotel. I saw the cars, and thats when i dont remember much :-\ Of course you try and plan for this (who can) but I had no clue, ran around aimlessly and eventually ended up getting ahold of the OM stating that I had a bike accident. Her phone magically turned on and then I called her out. After much discussion she stands behind that she drank, went to the room, had no plans and the only thing was that she tried to kiss him an got sick spending the rest of the time in the bathroom until i called. she has since cut the OM out completely, tell me everything, checks in, actively makes sure I know her location and claims to have had a moment of insanity. That day she did get her prescription of Xanax & Prozac but had not taken any....I'm trying to rebuild out lives but have many bad days.
 

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The motel's story is the poorer attempt at gaslighting I've ever read.
Yeah noting happened.
If it wasn't so hurtful I would be laughing my a$$.

Man, if you wan't to remain married, beyond dealing with this crap you are going to put way more on the table.
 

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Needed to get some help from someone. Quick background...16yr marriage gone stale due to me being a selfish guy not giving enough attention and not noticing. I did notice more contact with "just a friend" but caught it right on time.
I had been watching my wife due to many lies i caught her in and when it came down to being at a motel I had it! I tried to get there to confront them but since i work a long ways I got there too late. Her phone went dark and for close to 45 minutes they both were in a locked room fueled by alcohol. I have since been told that nothing happened and there is much remorse but there is still that time that cannot be accounted for. I was able to get them before anymore could happen but only they can say that....
We both have been under immense stress and I can't really fault her but I am torn up thinking something happened. I have agreed to keep together but still get gut wrenching thoughts of may have been........i guess i just restart the trust?
If my wife went to a motel with a guy and they verifiably just watched TV, or any other innocent sounding event, I would be done. That in itself would be enough. In fact going to his home or apartment. Anywhere to be alone it would be enough for me.

Something did happen. She went to a motel with this guy. Is that not enough?
 

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Needed to get some help from someone. Quick background...16yr marriage gone stale due to me being a selfish guy not giving enough attention and not noticing. I did notice more contact with "just a friend" but caught it right on time.
I had been watching my wife due to many lies i caught her in and when it came down to being at a motel I had it! I tried to get there to confront them but since i work a long ways I got there too late. Her phone went dark and for close to 45 minutes they both were in a locked room fueled by alcohol. I have since been told that nothing happened and there is much remorse but there is still that time that cannot be accounted for. I was able to get them before anymore could happen but only they can say that....
We both have been under immense stress and I can't really fault her but I am torn up thinking something happened. I have agreed to keep together but still get gut wrenching thoughts of may have been........i guess i just restart the trust?
If I was locked in a motel room with a woman for 45 minutes, something would have happened, guaranteed.....just sayin.
 

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No one goes to a motel to watch tv or chat. They go there to have sex. No other reason.

You are being played as in when you walk into the bedroom and there's another guy on your wife and she tells you it's not how it looks.

You give her a pass on this one and she and the OM will both be able to have a good laugh at you next time they meet up at the hotel to watch tv together.
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
I want to have some sort of trust and believe that nothing happened even though behind a motel door we all can assume what happened. She is pretty gullible and what kills me is the blatant slap in the face kind of a cry for help and I think there maybe some white lies in place to possibly "keeping me safe" or a kind of what I don't know won't hurt kind of thing. Don't get me wrong I was out the door at first but I had to take into account my faults and how she stayed with me. I have been reading the book prescribed by other members in the forum and have made great strides but sometimes get stuck with bad thought speed bumps. I don't hold grudges (yes I'm a sucker) yet this one...
 
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