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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My wife and i will be together seven years this year and we have a 3yo son. In the past we have never had a problem communicating but for the last 2 months as much as i try she won't communicate with me, Weather its healthy or not, I start fights with her just to get a rise out of her because she offers little emotion in our relationship, I hate fighting with my wife but its the only way she'll 'talk'. My job also tends to spark less than rational arguments with us, Im fdny and she'll have digs at me for missing out of important things weather it be about holidays or involving my son.

I always thought she'd be the one person to understand my job as it goes back generations in her family but she gets really annoyed when our son says to everyone that he wants to be one when he's older, mostly because she has lost many family members to this job, and says she'll never let him do it and again this leads to fights between us because i'd love my kid to carry on the tradition that's in my family too. Last Sept we both agreed to try for another baby but last month i found her BC hid in her drawer, I was so p*ssed off with her, When i asked her about it she just said she isn't ready for another baby yet, Its like shes angry at me for a lot of reasons but i don't know why, Its not hard to notice the distance with her and im worried that i might lose her, when i look at our wedding pictures I don't see the same girl anymore. I love this girl with everything i have and i don't want to lose her, Any advice?
 

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Jayson, how much time each week do you two spend together? (alone and not in front of the TV) Do you ever go out an date nights any more? Are you the man she would want to date? Have you forgotten him?
 

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First, thanks for your service! You've got a tough job. I've got several firefighters in my family, city and wilderness, and I know how hard it can be on families with the odd hours and the stress and uncertainty that come with choosing to put yourself in harm's way for others. Even though she may not be giving you much in the way of words, it sounds like she's communicating a lot through the emotional walls that she's put up, and you're wise to not ignore that. I like what curlysue321 said about marriage counseling. Might be a good venue to get some things out in the open that are bottled up and causing the walls. My hubs and I have been before, and it really helped give us some good tools to use as well. Also, I read a good article series once called "First Aid for the First Responders Marriage." You could probably find it with a google search.

Praying for wisdom and open communication for you two!
 

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Have you asked her why she is suddenly distant?

Are you angry with her that she does not want your son to be a firefighter?
 

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If you've gone from a good relationship with good communication to no commo at all, other than fighting, in only 60 days, the most likely explanation is that she's getting welcome attention from another man and she's subconsciously detaching from you.

Did she only start complaining about you being a fireman in this period? Same question about your son, was she previously okay with his wish to be a fireman and only started raising objections in the last 2 months?
 

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Stop the fighting, and get to the bottom of this immediately. Your wife is building a wall of resentment, and you need to find out why she is not getting her needs met in your marriage.

My husband is a volunteer firefighter, and it is indeed hard on the spouse. I do not like the time spent away from home. Calls invariably come during dinner, the middle of the night, and yes, on holidays. I put up with this because I love him, and I know what satisfaction he gets from this. However, he makes sure that he pays a lot of attention to me when he is home. We have date nights, he tells me often that he loves and appreciates me, he makes me feel sexy in bed.

If your wife will not open up to you about what is going on, make an appointment for counseling. Do not ignore her resentment. It kills love like nothing else.
 
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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Jayson, how much time each week do you two spend together? (alone and not in front of the TV) Do you ever go out an date nights any more? Are you the man she would want to date? Have you forgotten him?
If im honest, Not too much time. If i suggest going out for dinner or something she just tells me shes not in the mood and just order in instead or uses looking after our kid as an excuse. I am trying though, believe me.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Have you asked her why she is suddenly distant?

Are you angry with her that she does not want your son to be a firefighter?
Im not angry at her for not wanting him to eventually be on the job, Obviously he's only 3yrs old and doesnt have a clue what he really wants to do but deep down i would love my kid to follow on being a firefighter, He loves being in the firehouse and i'd be real proud if he did but either way i'm proud of him. I was just pissed that she constantly talks negative about my job. Its hard to explain it on this. :scratchhead:
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Did she only start complaining about you being a fireman in this period? Same question about your son, was she previously okay with his wish to be a fireman and only started raising objections in the last 2 months?
No, She has always been vocal on letting everyone know she never wants him to become one.

About me being on the job, She knew when she met me that i was a FDNY and obviously married me knowing that too, But yeah, As i previously posted, She respects the job but always says that it has taken too many people from her and as i love my job and will never do anything else she has accepted that ( or so i think). :confused:
 

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Jason,

I did 30 years with the city. Here's the thing. Your not a Monday to Friday, 9 to 5 man. Your going to miss a lot of time with your family and wife. Because of that you must work harder at your relationships than other husbands and fathers. You can't just go along like other husbands, just not paying attention to her and thinking everything should be fine because I'm a good man and provider. There's more to it.

We all have emotional needs, if they are not filled by our spouses, they will be filled somewhere else or by someone else. You need to learn what those needs are and which ones she needs from you.

Take for instance the amount of time you spend together. The reason I asked about it is we need to spend at least 15 hours a week with our partner in order to keep a romantic bond. Does that make sense, that with out time together your going to drift apart?

How about admiration. Do you tell her how well she does at home, with the child, how she looks good, ect. If you don't she'll believe you don't think so.

Do you give her undivided attention when she talks about her day?

You need to learn what these needs are, like tools to do the job, once you know them you can have a better marriage than most. I could go on but let me recommend some reading for you both to see for yourselves what a real marriage looks like.

"His Needs, Her Needs" by W Harley

Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts

"The Five Love Languages" G Chapman

Home | The 5 Love Languages®
 

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BTW, I knew my wife's concerns about my son following me. I would have loved him to follow in to civil service. Don't fret about it. They become adults and decide on their own. Your job is to give him a good family life, and education and teach him to be a good person.

PS, Don't take any excuses from her. Get a sitter and take her out!
 

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No, She has always been vocal on letting everyone know she never wants him to become one.

About me being on the job, She knew when she met me that i was a FDNY and obviously married me knowing that too, But yeah, As i previously posted, She respects the job but always says that it has taken too many people from her and as i love my job and will never do anything else she has accepted that ( or so i think). :confused:
I would check out her phone history and her texts. Put a VAR under her car seat for 3 weeks. Does she work?
 

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Im not angry at her for not wanting him to eventually be on the job, Obviously he's only 3yrs old and doesnt have a clue what he really wants to do but deep down i would love my kid to follow on being a firefighter, He loves being in the firehouse and i'd be real proud if he did but either way i'm proud of him. I was just pissed that she constantly talks negative about my job. Its hard to explain it on this. :scratchhead:
Your son is going to grow up and be whatever he wants to be. The two of you having arguments about this will only serve to push him away. Stop fighting with her about this.

It would be good to be proactive and have a conversation with her about it. Tell her that you understand why she is hopes he does not become a fire fighter. Tell you that you think that the two of you should show allow him to explore all kinds of career fields and figure out for himself what he wants to do. On this topic the biggest stickler with her is probably that you do not acknowledge the validity of what you feels and thinks. She’s the one stuck at home all the time while you are gone for long hours on even holidays, etc. Show her some understanding. That’s usually an important thing that women want.

Then after that, if she brings it up again just acknowledge that you understand her point of view. And that you son is a smart boy who will be able to pick whatever career field he wants.

As your son is going up suggest things he can do to explore what’s out there… like field trips to places of interest like hospitals, museums. Bring home videos of different things that are interesting. If you do these things you will be showing her that you support her.

In the end your son will be whatever he decides to be. The two of you arguing over this is such nonsense.
 

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About her hiding birth control. What she did was not a good thing but something is wrong. Here is another area where you can show that you are a reasonable man who really cares for her.

Have a conversation with her telling her that you understand that she feels that having another baby right now is not a good idea for her. Tell her you support her decision to do this right now. You were only upset that she did not tell you her concerns. Also mention that you have noticed that things do not seem to be going well between the two of you right now and you want to work on this. The marriage has to be working better before the two of you can have another child.
 
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