[confused army wife]

This is new to me so I’ll try my best to explain my issue, with the right information (impossible, right?). It’s only been about six weeks since my husband told me. He went away for training for two months. When he came back he told me that he did not want to be married any more. He wants a divorce. He’s been unhappy for two years. He said that he’s given me chances and tried to tell me that he was unhappy and what about. Yes, in hindsight, I agree. I always knew that I’ve been depressed for the last few years. However, I didn’t know how depressed I was, still don’t. I started counseling about five weeks ago. Since it’s the first time and first counselor I’ve been to, ever, I’m not sure that it’s the right one for me. I don’t know when to start looking for someone else. All we do is sit there and talk. Sometimes there’s silences, awkward ones where she starts looking for something to talk about, like she’s trying to stretch our session out, at least for the last two meetings. Or she seems unbiased, like she’s surprised by my husband’s actions. I’m trying to work on myself and be productive and proactive and work on me in the meantime. But I just don’t feel I get that with this counselor. I know that he's got issues to work on too, but not sure that he's going to admit to that.
Anyhow, back on topic. I don’t know what to do. I FINALLY got the courage to talk to him two days ago about us. Finally. He’s unchanged. He told me that he has emotionally removed himself so that he doesn’t feel sorry for me and give our relationship another try. His reason? Because he knows that I’ll go right back to what I am right now, someone that’s not who he fell in love with. But how can he possibly know that?! I recognize I’m depressed. He’s in the infantry. You’d think he’d recognize depression in his own wife and encourage me to get help, a long time ago. But he won’t give us a chance, me a chance. We have a child and another one on the way. I’m due in a month! (Probably half the reason why this is so hard. Hormones.) He’s relying on his internet research and people he’s confided in. He says it’s the best thing for him. So, his children are now going to grow up without a father because he’s in the Army and now after six years of me begging him to move, he’s decided that he will move, … without us.
So, I’m not even sure what my question is. How do I get him to go to counseling? I've asked him three separate times and he's "too busy" being a drill sgt. How do I cope? He lives in the same house. How do I stop the pain? How do I get him to listen? He says that when I’m nice it makes him uncomfortable because he thinks that I’m doing it to win him back and he doesn’t want to give me the wrong impression. So there’s constant tension … I’m lost and confused. Divorce was never an option for me and now I’m going to be a single mother of two children under 3 and three large dogs and a house that I’m financially stuck in and nowhere to turn, no one to confide in. My family is clueless.

 

[HappyKaty]

It never ceases to amaze me how many sackless "men" leave their pregnant wives.

But, with that being said, he is showing you his true colors - exactly who he is.

You're doing the right thing by attending counseling sessions.

Let him go, work on yourself, and be the best Mommy you can be.

Your children don't need a walk-away father, and you damn sure don't need a walk-away husband.

 

[confused army wife]

Nothing has changed. He still wants to divorce, later on. I want to talk to him, have real conversations. He's so busy working that he's hardly ever home, which unfortunately by the nature of his work is normal. I think he's purposefully keeping me separated from work, not involving me such as contact information and FRG's and other wives. He sleeps in the spare room, uses the bathroom and showers with the door closed. I'm trying to be strong. I'm trying to stay busy. I'm trying to be productive. I'm about ready to give birth so anything I've been doing physically just isn't too easy anymore. I'm in the last home stretch so joints, ligaments, etc are all moving and loosening.

I've read in some posts about 180. Can anyone tell me more? I'm hoping and praying that my "maternity leave" will be more productive than I've been able to these last few weeks. Although, I'll be working from home instead of the office. Which means more opportunity to slip deeper in to this ridiculous depression. I need a way off of this emotional roller coaster!! Perhaps, talk to my IC about changing ICs? I'm clueless.

Is there a way to talk him into MC or IC?? It used to be an option, before our troubles, but now he's "too busy". ... Should I stop doing my "wifely duties" such as cooking and cleaning after him? I'm still in love with him, but I want to show him that he's wrong and that I am still what he wants and that this can work with minimal effort, on BOTH sides.

 

[Stella Moon]

If ur not connecting with ur conselor u deffinately need to find another one as soon as possible. If u can go to an entirely different office...and start by telling about how and why u didn't connect with ur other conselor...the awkward silences...the stretching of the hour etc....
As for my advice....
Stop. Your husband is a selfish ********* and as much as u want to work it out he doesn't want too and at least clearly not right now. Your going 2 have another baby any second and u don't have the physical mental or emotional energy for this. Stop. Stop taking care of him! Let him make his own meals...and u better NOT be doing his damn laundry. According to him...he fired you. You have 3 dogs and 2 kids and urself to think about...isn't that enough? How about having more of a selfish attitude urself? You've already shown you've wanted to work on it and work it out and where has that gotten u? And what has that gotten him? Dinner? Clean house? Clean clothes? Buy groceriess for ur meals and childs....not make extra....don't do his laundry...don't pick p his scrpits...don't do anymore of the wifely nothings....he's planning on walking out on you and ur getting walked all over daily. If u haven't yet...girl you need to do that 180 hard. BIG TIME...that list was written for you...right now...at this very moment. You have to start to detach. You have to start preserving urself and surviving for your two kids and ur 3 dogs because THAT is what's going 2b ur family. You cannot change him...u cannot control him...but you can control what u do and u need to 180 in his face all over the place. He walks into a room....girl....WALK THE FK OUT!
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[GutPunch]

Stella is right! He made his bed. Don't cater to him another minute. What a POS.

 

[HiRoad]

Its MoFo's like this that give us good dads a bad name. Your pregnant and the [email protected] is leaving you. Pfffft.... freakin military. He should grow a pair for his COMMITMENT to fatherhood.

The few ..the proud.. the dead beat dad!

180, absolutely NC... not even about the kid!! Get family out there to help.

Stay strong honey, you can do this, and get the h$ll outa there!
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[Homemaker_Numero_Uno]

When it boils down to it, everyone is lost and has an uncertain future.
You are on your way to getting a grip on this.
In the best world, a husband has enough b*lls for both himself and his wife. But most of us have to grow our own, and it works out okay, more than okay...it's just a somewhat painful psychological process. I've been in a large beach house (rented) with no job (by choice) with a newborn/nursling, a three year old with special needs and a teenage prep school hockey player (2 or 3 leagues, I lost count...) and the dog and the cat. Somehow, I established a routine and got through it, one thing was that I enjoyed my baby when I had her with me, there is something about a newborn that brings structure to a household. I had to send my kids for visitation...that was tough. Try to enjoy your life with your kids for now...obviously he doesn't want to be a part of it. His loss. It's the holidays, make yourself as psychologically secure as you can, and settle in for a long while. Worry about work and all that later on, there's no way with what you have on your plate that you could even try that avenue.

 

[confused army wife]

Thank you for your responses. I still can't help but wish I could get through to him, wake up from this unbelievable dream!! I've been put in a situation that I never thought I'd be in. Now I know I have to learn a different lifestyle. I've got my hands so full. In one POV nothing's really changed as far as responsibilities. As an army wife you take on a S*$T load of responsibilities, which I'm more than happy to do, as long as I had him by my side, a REASON for the chaos. I knew that going into the marriage and accepted my role and responsibilities. Another POV, I'm now responsible for EVERYTHING. I'm now a single parent of a family.
So, I think I have to get in between the two POV's and come up with another one. .... It's still painful, very painful. I find myself, in hindsight, over-thinking his actions, and eventually just snap, real quick snap. Which pushes him even further away!! Grrrrr! I really hope it's the hormones. I wish I had the answers. I think I'm going to ask for a recommendation for a different therapist from my midwife. This IC I found online. I liked her profile. It showed that she had a very strong background and knowledge of military life, issues, and diagnosis. But I've begun questioning them. She said that she's been successful with them as most of her patients didn't like the care they received on post. I have an appt with both, one today and another tomorrow. Hopefully the midwife has advice.
The reason for this post was originally to ask about this 180 thing. I've Googled it several times. Today, I found a website "Divorce Busters". Let me tell you, E.X.P.E.N.S.I.V.E.!!!!! I don't have that kind of money! ... I found this on Amazon.
Divorce Busting: A Step-by-Step Approach to Making Your Marriage Loving Again: Michele Weiner-Davis: 9780671797256: Amazon.com: Books
Is this what everyone is referring to? I can afford that for less than $20.
Thank you everyone! I do appreciate the feedback. I do like coming on here, reading responses, responding, and other posts/threads (not sure what they are called, sorry).

 

[HeartbrokenW]

Here's something I saved when my h first asked for a divorce. Btw, I think you need to kick yours out the door.

--
So many on here are at a loss at what to do with a WS who is
fence sitting, cake-eating, ignoring boundaries, still seeing and/or contacting the other person, etc...

Many BS's are urged to go No Contact with their WS after ALL ELSE has failed.


This 180 list may help.
--------------------------


For those that are interested in Michelle Weiner Davis's divorce busting 180 degree list, here it is:

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.


2 things to think about if you do this:

1) You have to do the 180 list NOT to be manipulative but because it's the right thing to do for you. You have to heal from this experience. You have to back off for your own sanity now. You have to have a plan and know that you will be a better person with or without them after all is said and done -- that you will live and learn and move on no matter what. So you have to be geniune when you follow these ideas, rather than faking it and being insincere because your only goal is to get them back. That's not what you want to do. Having a certain person as our spouse is not a need, it's a want. When I wrote down a list of all the definite needs in my life, I realized that almost everything beyond food, clothing and shelter is a want. 10 seconds after I looked at the list, I stopped making decisions based on emotion. That's when I realized that my wanting to have her was causing me to beg and plead for her to come back. That was driving her away more so I stopped doing it immediately. In doing my own version of the 180 list I could tell nearly an immediate change in her behavior.

2) Realize that when your spouse sees your new attitude they are very likely to be a little jealous or at least have some curiosity about what's going on in your life to cause this change. However, they very well may react the same way towards you for some time (especially if they read books or go to message boards also). REALIZE that this tactic can also work simultaneously on you if the spouse begins to likewise. Be aware of it and plan to have your own feelings of jealousy and curiosity in advance. However, like with #1 above, if you're doing the 180 list to better yourself and everyone involved, then it will matter less what they are doing.

 

[Stella Moon]

Thank you for your responses. I still can't help but wish I could get through to him, wake up from this unbelievable dream!! I've been put in a situation that I never thought I'd be in. Now I know I have to learn a different lifestyle. I've got my hands so full. In one POV nothing's really changed as far as responsibilities. As an army wife you take on a S*$T load of responsibilities, which I'm more than happy to do, as long as I had him by my side, a REASON for the chaos. I knew that going into the marriage and accepted my role and responsibilities. Another POV, I'm now responsible for EVERYTHING. I'm now a single parent of a family.
So, I think I have to get in between the two POV's and come up with another one. .... It's still painful, very painful. I find myself, in hindsight, over-thinking his actions, and eventually just snap, real quick snap. Which pushes him even further away!! Grrrrr! I really hope it's the hormones. I wish I had the answers. I think I'm going to ask for a recommendation for a different therapist from my midwife. This IC I found online. I liked her profile. It showed that she had a very strong background and knowledge of military life, issues, and diagnosis. But I've begun questioning them. She said that she's been successful with them as most of her patients didn't like the care they received on post. I have an appt with both, one today and another tomorrow. Hopefully the midwife has advice.
The reason for this post was originally to ask about this 180 thing. I've Googled it several times. Today, I found a website "Divorce Busters". Let me tell you, E.X.P.E.N.S.I.V.E.!!!!! I don't have that kind of money! ... I found this on Amazon.
Divorce Busting: A Step-by-Step Approach to Making Your Marriage Loving Again: Michele Weiner-Davis: 9780671797256: Amazon.com: Books
Is this what everyone is referring to? I can afford that for less than $20.
Thank you everyone! I do appreciate the feedback. I do like coming on here, reading responses, responding, and other posts/threads (not sure what they are called, sorry).

Checking in on you... you checking in on here???

 

[confused army wife]

hey stella, hello all ... Same old same old. Today was a good day. I LOVE cooking and I cooked for my office since the office will be closed. That was a hit! Overnight Blueberry French Toast, the crock pot version. Very busy, somewhat stressful day at work, not too bad.
Some how that good feeling went away when I walked into the door. I don't know if it was because I could tell that husband was getting ready to go out for the night, or because my son was misbehaving, or because of the shooting in CT finally sunk in, or because of these pregnancy hormones, or the lack of sleep in the past week, or the increasingly uncomfortable contractions that I've been having for the last week, or because he was actually cleaning! for once! (I sat my happy ass on the couch and let him "clean".) Or was it because the ONE bill I forgot to pay, the water, was shut off yesterday so couldn't shower this morning and he was making little comments here and there about "oh! i forgot. there's no water" ... Thank GOODNESS it's back on. One whole 24 hrs later and couldn't not be miserable! Seriously?! ... So, while he was "cleaning" I spent my last hour, since I got home from work, yelling at my son because he was misbehaving and not listening. So, that angers me because it's a viscous cycle that I'm trying so hard to break. The more I'm upset inside the more he can sense it and I end up projecting at him which makes him misbehave even MORE. Grrr! Children are sensitive beings! Sometimes, in that case, I wish he wasn't.
Anyways, I talked to his dad this week as he is the ONLY family or friend that knows about this "I don't want to be married anymore" business. He was comforting. He's a good guy. I tried not to overwhelm him with my thoughts or seem too weak but it was the first time that I talked to him about it. I told him that I knew he knew. He asked me more questions so we got to talking (or texting rather). I was hoping he could use his influence on him but I could never ask him to do that. He's only been in his life for less than a year. I couldn't risk tearing them apart again. No one deserves that.
Oh! Went to the IC and I was just so annoyed because now I notice every little time that is awkward or a little dragging on. But I couldn't bring myself to tell her that I wasn't going back. I'm going to have to cancel my next appointment. I'll think of some excuse... Probably end up blaming it on the baby.
I've been thinking about that book. I'll probably buy it. I'll have plenty of time to read it on "maternity leave" and find another IC.
Other than that ... Trying to keep my cool, keep my distance. He was actually initiating conversations the other day. He does that sometimes, but for the most part short and emotionless. So, I'm trying to do the same. It's crazy to that I have to remind myself not to fantasize about my own husband, even just a look at me or a kiss on the cheek or out having a good time with him. It's crazy to find myself telling myself to "snap out of it! probably not gonna happen!" I don't know if it's really clicking. It still feels like a dream...
thanks for asking