Lost and Confused

1030 Views 7 Replies 5 Participants Last post by Kekela, Oct 27, 2012

Kekela

Discussion Starter · Oct 25, 2012

I am 31yrs old and my husband and I have been married for four years tomorrow. Yes, our anniversary is a day away. About 5 weeks ago he went on a camping trip without me with his friends, came back and told me he wanted a divorce. I have been going through the standard grief ever since which most of the time is unbearable. I have been through every emotion imaginable and each almost on a daily basis. I have been trying the 180 however the hardest part is that he and I work for the same company. A job in which I got him. I have to see him on a daily basis and am unsure on how to cope with this. We have many mutual friends there and of course word has gotten around to everyone. It really does spread like wildfire. I have spent many days at my desk after seeing him get off the elevator or passing each other in the hall or having to speak for work related issues and have just burst into tears at my desk. I know i need to maintain a professional relationship with him but it is extremely hard. I try to avoid him as much as possible but at times it is out of my control. At this time it is not an option to look for another job. With my emotional state, job market etc. i am stuck as is he. I want more than anything to save this marriage as i am still very much in love with him and very devoted to our life together. He states he loves me too but due to all of our past arguments, the scars are too deep and we cannot be together as husband and wife. I of course got the friend speech and we did do lunch a few times after the dreaded "D" word but when i look at him he is not my husband. He is not the man that I married. He is a cold dark shell of the man that i married. I know longer see warmth in his eyes its as if they have glazed over. I guess my questions are this:

1. What can I do to save this marriage, i had hope until yesterday (a not so good conversation with him). Once i lost that hope, I started the grief process all over again which has been devastating.

2. How do i handle the work situation. I cannot afford to lose my job (especially now) and it is not feasible to seek one at this time. I do get messages from him numerous times a day asking me about the legal stuff and bills etc which of course i am emotionally not ready to handle at this time. I have asked him to PLEASE not message me at work as all it does is cause me more pain and i cannot function as i need to to perform my job duties.

This is by far the hardest thing I have ever had to go through and most days i feel like i cannot cope. I cannot handle this divorce, I do not want it! I want my husband back and our life together. I want to make him happy and work on our issues instead of run from them. Any advice would be most helpful.

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Chopsy

· #2 · Oct 25, 2012

So sorry to hear how hard it's been for you. I don't have much advice except do the 180. It's to help you heal. I know it will feel impossible, but you must out your all into it. It really will help. As for work, others may have better advice but I suggest faking it. Don't go around looking sad or miserable, do not cry at your desk or hide away.keep your mood light and carefree. You being needy, emotional and desperate will push him even further away. I know this won't be easy but you need to be strong. Be sure to keep your interactions light and friendly, and he may wonder what's going on with you. But do the 180 for you, it will save you through this.

Oh and insist he not text you during work. Try to arrange a time to discuss this things outside of work.

You can do this, you are a strong person. Sorry I don't have easy answers.

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dormant

· #3 · Oct 25, 2012

If he is texting you through the company IM system, you can probably block his texts.

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Eternal Embrace

· #4 · Oct 25, 2012

I'm with Chopsy on this one.

The 180 is your best bet - as hard as it might be - stick to it.

And work as well, someone on here once told me "Fake it till you make it" - it might sound corny but it's all you can do sometimes.

Good luck. I'm so sorry you're having to go thru this...

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Conrad

· #5 · Oct 25, 2012

Sounds like he is involved with someone else.

Are you sure this was a camping trip with friends?

Investigate cell phone, text, and email messages.

Buy voice-activated recorders and put them in places where he expects to have privacy.

You'll get your answer.

Kekela said:
I am 31yrs old and my husband and I have been married for four years tomorrow. Yes, our anniversary is a day away. About 5 weeks ago he went on a camping trip without me with his friends, came back and told me he wanted a divorce. I have been going through the standard grief ever since which most of the time is unbearable. I have been through every emotion imaginable and each almost on a daily basis. I have been trying the 180 however the hardest part is that he and I work for the same company. A job in which I got him. I have to see him on a daily basis and am unsure on how to cope with this. We have many mutual friends there and of course word has gotten around to everyone. It really does spread like wildfire. I have spent many days at my desk after seeing him get off the elevator or passing each other in the hall or having to speak for work related issues and have just burst into tears at my desk. I know i need to maintain a professional relationship with him but it is extremely hard. I try to avoid him as much as possible but at times it is out of my control. At this time it is not an option to look for another job. With my emotional state, job market etc. i am stuck as is he. I want more than anything to save this marriage as i am still very much in love with him and very devoted to our life together. He states he loves me too but due to all of our past arguments, the scars are too deep and we cannot be together as husband and wife. I of course got the friend speech and we did do lunch a few times after the dreaded "D" word but when i look at him he is not my husband. He is not the man that I married. He is a cold dark shell of the man that i married. I know longer see warmth in his eyes its as if they have glazed over. I guess my questions are this:

1. What can I do to save this marriage, i had hope until yesterday (a not so good conversation with him). Once i lost that hope, I started the grief process all over again which has been devastating.

2. How do i handle the work situation. I cannot afford to lose my job (especially now) and it is not feasible to seek one at this time. I do get messages from him numerous times a day asking me about the legal stuff and bills etc which of course i am emotionally not ready to handle at this time. I have asked him to PLEASE not message me at work as all it does is cause me more pain and i cannot function as i need to to perform my job duties.

This is by far the hardest thing I have ever had to go through and most days i feel like i cannot cope. I cannot handle this divorce, I do not want it! I want my husband back and our life together. I want to make him happy and work on our issues instead of run from them. Any advice would be most helpful.

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Kekela

Discussion Starter · #6 · Oct 27, 2012

Conrad said:
Sounds like he is involved with someone else.

Are you sure this was a camping trip with friends?

Investigate cell phone, text, and email messages.

Buy voice-activated recorders and put them in places where he expects to have privacy.

You'll get your answer.

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Kekela

Discussion Starter · #7 · Oct 27, 2012

Kekela said:
Posted via Mobile Device

Thank you all for you replies. *This has been very hard. *I have been trying everything I can to save this marriage to no avail. *My husband is treating me like a criminal. *I have been staying at my sisters because it was too hard to stay in the marital home that we bought together. *Me being an idiot and thinking "this is forever" foreclosed on my premarital house to buy our dream home. Which means, the house is in his name only. *He feels the house and everything in it is his. *I run a very small business out of the home and showed up on a day when he wasnt there to work. *I went to unlock the door to find the locks had been changed. *I know my rights and i know he has no legal ground to stand on to do this. *I have not officially moved out, my stuff (other than my clothes) is still there.*
I cslled the police department for advice and was told i have every ground to break in. *I didnt want to do this without police presence so I requested they come by. *I did message my husband to let him know, to which he of course immediately came home. *He told the police officer that he changed the locks two weeks prior because "stuff" was missing and he needed to protect "his" property. *The officer of course told him he cannot keep me out of the house without a court order. *At this point he hadnt even filed. After speaking with his step mother that night (who said wed always be bff's) told me i have no business being there without him. *So what gives him the right to be there without me. *His family is crazy and im convinced the apple doesnt fall from the tree. *His parents are divorced. *Dad cheated and married the other woman. *His mom, still bitter over her divorce after 18yrs is remarried as well. *She married her current husband a week after dad married the OW. ALL are unhappy in their current marriages. *His older sister, single mom living with her mother and step father is divorced from a drug addict who is currently in jail and i still VERY bitter about marriage. *
Up until this happened I have trusted my husband and have never spied. *Never read his emails even though i know his password and never read his text messages. *Looking for answers i did start checking his emails for a possible other woman. *I see no evidence of it. *His camping trip was with friends. *I know this for a fact. *They are mutual friends and coworkers that he went with. *I have however seen emails between him and his family. *They have been NASTY towards me. *I have been nothing but nice and cooperative and loving because i want to save my marriage. *They all feel i cannot be trusted although i have done nothing to warrant this. *I have not taken anything but a few personal items from the house nor have i spoken to his family at all. *They are convinced im out for blood. *The names and accusations that are being made are torturous. *My husband is a former drug addict. *He had a major problem with meth before he met me. *I understand the trust issues to a point. *He has never fully trusted me. He has believed that anything i do for him is strictly for my personal benefit only. *This has always been the case even though it isnt true. *Ive always had his interest at heart. *The trust im sure comes from the years of dealing with drug addicts and them always being out for themselves. *His support system (his family) is not much of a positive one. *I dont feel like I stand a chance no matter what i do. *Just yesterday she sent him an email telling him to run me over with the car that i asked for. *Keep in mind, hes been driving it this whole time while he has the house, all of our stuff and comforts of the marital home while i sit at my sisters house with none of the comforts of home. *After lots of pressure for him on my requests for how to split up our stuff i sent him my recommendation yesterday. *He of course read it and did not agree to any of it. *He is supposed to go camping again this weekend (dont know who with) and he asked his dad and stepmom to stay at the house to make sure i dont come in and "steal" anything. *I did tell him i was going to stay there while i was gone for some personal time and some quiet. *When i show up there i know his parents will be there and its going to be fight. *Its my house and stuff too and i have every right to be there. *Sorry for the long winded drawn out response but what do i do? *Do i go and call the cops till they leave? *Do i go back to the house and stay there until the divorce is final? *Why should I be punished when its not even me who wants this? *Why sm i being treated like a criminal??!!
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Kekela

Discussion Starter · #8 · Oct 27, 2012

Now he's playing dirty. I run a small business out of the house and decided to take advantage of him being gone for the weekend to do some work. I get there to find my very expensive sewing machine GONE!!!!! What the heck? He's expecting me to leave everything as is for now and not remove anything from the house (which I haven't) and he pulls this. Am I dealing with a psycho here???? I'm wondering if I should stay in the house with him until all of this is finally over. I worry for my emotional state with that accomodation but I don't want to be robbed blind either. I do have access to take something very valuable to him, should I play dirty too. I'm done being walked on and taken advantage of in this situation. I will be hiring a lawyer first thing Monday! Any advice would be greatly appreciated!!!!!

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