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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hey guys, new user here. Was using Reddit to seek out advice (lol) but my girlfriend found them and rained hell on me, so we're trying here! At least I can use a little more detail than previous.

My GF and I have been together 2 years, me being 26M, her 26F. I've ignored literally every red flag since day 1. She and her previous husband had a kid together, who's now 8 years old. Their relationship was messed up and unhealthy. They thought it appropriate the marry and have a child at 18 despite still living with his mother (he's 30 now, still lives with his mom). Under a month of her and I together, she essentially forced herself into my house after getting kicked out of her previous living situation. I agreed to let her stay with us (living with my brother) until she found her own place. 2 years later, here we are.

So let's go to today, what's really setting me on a wild depression ride...

She's made the decision on her own to now let her child live with us full time. She works part time minimum wage, has bounced between part time jobs m.w jobs at least every 6 months, has no solid schedule, no financial responsibility, and thought it was good to bring a child into the picture. I work full-time, make a good amount of money, but was recently laid off due to Covid ( I will be returning in the new year). The child is an 8 year old girl that is being home-schooled now due to pandemic- both her parents don't think it's safe to send her to school.

My girlfriend has now forced me into the role of a stay at home dad, which I hate. I'm a photographer by profession and a lot of my income depends on me being out on the road and travelling. I can no longer leave the house because I'm babysitting, so income is very tight until I return to full-time work. I've expressed to my girlfriend multiple times that we do no have the resources for this child. We have little money coming in, very little food, I don't have the time or patience to be a tutor to her child- she's very educationally behind. Grade 3, reads and writes at Kindergarten level. She's shown improvement drastically since I've taken over as the primary parent, but this isn't what I signed up for.

When my girlfriend comes home, or has a day off, she pays no attention to her child. She comes home, makes a mess of dirty dishes, and sits on the couch scrolling through social media for literally every waking moment. Meanwhile, I'm cooking, I'm cleaning, I'm babysitting, hell, I'm STILL the one paying for groceries....

She tells me that I'm not affectionate anymore, that I don't touch her anymore, that I barely have sex with her anymore- all of which is true. I've been so turned off by this relationship, I feel nothing anymore, that I don't want to do these things anymore. I've told her this and she just ignores it, changes the subject, then gets mad when I don't touch her.

I knew when we first met that she had a child and that I would have to eventually take on the role as a step-father, which is fine and I am entirely okay with, it's that she's forced me into a position I don't want to be in right now, under the worst conditions.

I need to leave before this gets worse, but with Christmas so close I feel like it's a bad idea. Any advice on the matter is much appreciated!
 

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BRUH What a F'ed up situation. I feel horrible for this kid. It sounds like a very sad situation. I think this is something you need to get out of immediately. I would tell the girlfriend, you never agreed to be a parent and frankly she needs to start being a responsible mom. She needs to focus on finding a career not a bunch of part time low pay jobs. Give her a few weeks to a month or so to get a new living arrangement sorted out and she has to be gone. At 26 she is still acting like a teenager, she is going to bring you nothing but aggravation. Don't try to be the knight in shinning armor.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
BRUH What a F'ed up situation. I feel horrible for this kid. It sounds like a very sad situation. I think this is something you need to get out of immediately. I would tell the girlfriend, you never agreed to be a parent and frankly she needs to start being a responsible mom. She needs to focus on finding a career not a bunch of part time low pay jobs. Give her a few weeks to a month or so to get a new living arrangement sorted out and she has to be gone. At 26 she is still acting like a teenager, she is going to bring you nothing but aggravation. Don't try to be the knight in shinning armor.
Appreciate the feedback. I feel horrible for her, too. The dad is just as wack as the mom. I've told her we need to send the child back to be with dad (a little more "stable" situation than us), but he's suddenly started hobbies and "jobs' that require him to be gone every day. He sees her weekends, at the absolute minimum amount of time possible. I am literally the only adult who is helping her, and I feel terrible that I too want to run.

My girlfriend is absolutely still a teenager by how she acts, and I've outgrown her.
 

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I have a feeling the GF is using her daughter to try and hook you. Basically get you to care enough for the kid to put up with your GFs immaturity and irresponsibility. Does your girlfriend have parents around. Maybe after you tell the GF she needs to get out, you need to reach out to them and tell them them you don't think she is capable of caring for the girl on her own. I doubt the woman had the best parents but maybe at least they can provide a place for them to live.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
I have a feeling the GF is using her daughter to try and hook you. Basically get you to care enough for the kid to put up with your GFs immaturity and irresponsibility. Does your girlfriend have parents around. Maybe after you tell the GF she needs to get out, you need to reach out to them and tell them them you don't think she is capable of caring for the girl on her own. I doubt the woman had the best parents but maybe at least they can provide a place for them to live.
Her dad lives 3+ hours away, mom's out of the picture. I have the advantage of having family in town that I could move back in with for a while, but that leaves her here in a rental she'd never afford on her own. She's using her child for financial gain though 100%. She gets government checks for her - I've said that I want the money so I can get actual food for the kid, my girlfriend just gets mad and refuses.
 

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OP, your gf reminds me of my sister. Thanks to our parents constantly enabling (she was the baby) she is now 40 and still can't function on her own. Her entire adult life has been spent looking for ways to mooch because that's all she can do. Our parents are now gone and nobody is willing to let her mooch.

The same thing is going on here...if your gf was an adult who was just struggling she'd be busting her ass with full time work and efforts to better herself. Instead she continues to mooch because that's all she knows how to do.

Not only is it not your job to fix this, you can't. She'll continue to mooch as long as she can.

Give her a timeline to get out, but know that of she's like my sister you'll probably have to move to get away from her. She'll find another schlep to support her.

WARNING: My sister got knocked up 3 times to try to keep men. It didn't work with any of them and she currently has custody of none of them. Do. Not. Get. Her. Pregnant. Don't think for one second she won't try once you give her a timeline.
 

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Her dad lives 3+ hours away, mom's out of the picture. I have the advantage of having family in town that I could move back in with for a while, but that leaves her here in a rental she'd never afford on her own. She's using her child for financial gain though 100%. She gets government checks for her - I've said that I want the money so I can get actual food for the kid, my girlfriend just gets mad and refuses.
Not your problem.

Move in with your family.
 

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Her dad lives 3+ hours away, mom's out of the picture. I have the advantage of having family in town that I could move back in with for a while, but that leaves her here in a rental she'd never afford on her own. She's using her child for financial gain though 100%. She gets government checks for her - I've said that I want the money so I can get actual food for the kid, my girlfriend just gets mad and refuses.
On top of everything else your gf has done, which is extremely wrong and she's just using you....this should confirm that she's using you. As if you didn't know.

Break it off now, get her out of your life.

It will only get worse and tragic for you if it drags on.

There would a little empathy for her if this last tidbit of info didn't slam the door on her being any kind of good partner.
 

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At some point she'll turn on you if you cause problems for her, btw. I see a false domestic abuse accusation in your future when you break out. Be ready for that.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
OP, your gf reminds me of my sister. Thanks to our parents constantly enabling (she was the baby) she is now 40 and still can't function on her own. Her entire adult life has been spent looking for ways to mooch because that's all she can do. Our parents are now gone and nobody is willing to let her mooch.

The same thing is going on here...if your gf was an adult who was just struggling she'd be busting her ass with full time work and efforts to better herself. Instead she continues to mooch because that's all she knows how to do.

Not only is it not your job to fix this, you can't. She'll continue to mooch as long as she can.

Give her a timeline to get out, but know that of she's like my sister you'll probably have to move to get away from her. She'll find another schlep to support her.

WARNING: My sister got knocked up 3 times to try to keep men. It didn't work with any of them and she currently has custody of none of them. Do. Not. Get. Her. Pregnant. Don't think for one second she won't try once you give her a timeline.
I'm sorry your sister is like that. My one brother (23) started to become like that, but we've been getting him on right track!

I do appreciate the feedback though. It's a tough situation and it seems most people I ask try to make me out to be the bad person, especially her. I've gone to her expressing how this is effecting my mental health, how this isn't what I signed up for, and again how "not good" this is for her child, and she just gets mad. She'll say things like "well you're not working, I would expect you to step up", and "it's your job as the step-dad" which of course makes me feel like garbage and a **** dad (like my own father), so naturally I try to do better at my own expense.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
At some point she'll turn on you if you cause problems for her, btw. I see a false domestic abuse accusation in your future when you break out. Be ready for that.
Unfortunately she does have things she could hold over my head if I tried to leave (nothing illegal or concerning ultimately, just could cause more trouble than I want). She insists she never would, and I do believe her to some extent, but I dunno. I'm lucky enough to be living with one of my brothers and his girlfriend as well, so if she tries anything I'll have an enormous support wall there.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
My advice, get out as fast as you can. No need to delay, start taking action today.
It's hard with Christmas only a few weeks away. We've both already spent money, our families have already spent money. I know it's not the best excuse in the world. It's sad, but I'm actually counting down the days with excitement for the new year so I can leave :ROFLMAO:
 

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Unfortunately she does have things she could hold over my head if I tried to leave (nothing illegal or concerning ultimately, just could cause more trouble than I want)
I have no idea what she's holding over your head. But you claim it's "more trouble than I want." That tells me it's not as simple as you claim. This poor child is being used by her own mother as a bargaining chip. That in itself is reprehensible. But you are the one that allowed this deadbeat into your home. So take responsibility for it rather than claiming she forced her way in. Nobody can force their way into your home unless they are armed with a shotgun and threatening to kill you. Add to the mix that you claim she forced you to take care of her child. Again, nope.

Sounds to me like you want to remain the nice guy and don't want anyone to be ticked off at the hard decisions you need to make. So be it. I'd tell this lazy bum to get off her ass, get a real job, and start pulling her weight around the house as far as chores go. If that meets with resistance, show her the door. Like it or not, we all have to make decisions in life that won't win us a popularity contest.

Let her stay and you will be nothing more than a paycheck for her. Let her stay and you will be nothing more than a doormat. Your life. Your choice.
 

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she just gets mad. She'll say things like "well you're not working, I would expect you to step up", and "it's your job as the step-dad" which of course makes me feel like garbage and a **** dad (like my own father), so naturally I try to do better at my own expense.
She knows she can get away with this crap because you allowed her to force her way into your house and then she brought in her child and you allowed that to happen as well. The first thing you have to do is grow a pair and take control of this situation. Second, you have to set some boundaries as to how she is going to behave while living in your house. If she doesn't like it, tell her to get out and cut all ties with her. Right now, you are raising two girls and it's not going to get any better on it's own.
 

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You said it yourself. You did not sign up for this. Make the stand. Advise the squatter in your home she needs to find another arrangement for herself and child. Sure, you may feel bad about removing the child but this child is not yours to nurture and support.

Cut the cord. Today!
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
I have no idea what she's holding over your head. But you claim it's "more trouble than I want." That tells me it's not as simple as you claim. This poor child is being used by her own mother as a bargaining chip. That in itself is reprehensible. But you are the one that allowed this deadbeat into your home. So take responsibility for it rather than claiming she forced her way in. Nobody can force their way into your home unless they are armed with a shotgun and threatening to kill you. Add to the mix that you claim she forced you to take care of her child. Again, nope.

Sounds to me like you want to remain the nice guy and don't want anyone to be ticked off at the hard decisions you need to make. So be it. I'd tell this lazy bum to get off her ass, get a real job, and start pulling her weight around the house as far as chores go. If that meets with resistance, show her the door. Like it or not, we all have to make decisions in life that won't win us a popularity contest.

Let her stay and you will be nothing more than a paycheck for her. Let her stay and you will be nothing more than a doormat. Your life. Your choice.
Appreciate the candor. What she has over me is business related- basically one of the businesses I oversee is a "technical" violation of a non-compete from a previous job. She knows it and the damage it could cause if she came forward to my previous employer. She ultimately wanted her child back because she felt bad that she was a fairly distant parent. We took her the occasional weekend while her dad had her full time, and now she wants to make up for lost time essentially, but is failing hard.

You're absolutely right, I allowed these things to happen and no one is going to fix it except me.
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
You said it yourself. You did not sign up for this. Make the stand. Advise the squatter in your home she needs to find another arrangement for herself and child. Sure, you may feel bad about removing the child but this child is not yours to nurture and support.

Cut the cord. Today!
I have a feeling we'll be having a big "discussion" tonight. I dropped her off at work with some bad attitude, so I guess we'll see how it goes
 
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