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I am a 65 year old male and thought I was the luckiest and happiest man on earth. I am married to a beautiful, much younger woman, and we have a wonderful, extremely smart and always happy 6 year old girl together. The perfect little family.
Up to about 5 weeks ago…

I met my wife 12 years ago when she was 23. I was lucky to look much younger and the age gap never was an issue, in any way. I had money then and gave her everything, including the US citizenship. We traveled all over, lived in the Caribbean for a while, had two homes, one in the USA, one in Europe where we spent the summer months. I was and still am working from home.

After 3 years she pushed to get married, and for a child. I was reluctant to have another child at my age, but consented with the condition that we would have only one baby. She agreed. Our little girl was born. She is my princess, I would do anything for her. She is the happiest kid I’ve ever seen; everybody says so. And smart beyond her years. We traveled with her, still spent summer in Europe, my wife did not work, we had an au-pair, we had a cleaning lady. A few years after our sunshine was born, I lost everything material first to fraud and then to the depression. We lost both of our homes. We moved into a rental home, still nice, but it caused some trauma with our little girl that she has overcome by now. No more trips. No more help for my wife. At my age and in this economy, I could not find employment. My wife, a foreigner, has no work experience and her education is not accepted in the USA. So I started a new business that involves her. She is a key part of it. Without either one of us, the business could not be sustained. We just sort of scratch by every month. It’s not the life we used to have, but it’s a lot better than many other people have to go through. Last year we decided that my wife should go back to school. She will graduate by the end of this month and would then have been able to get a job where she would be making slightly more money on her own than the median income for a family our size in our state today. I will get Social Security this year and some other small income, and the business would continue to generate a little revenue, too. So things looked a lot rosier, we would finally be able to get out of the whole.

For a year now she has been talking about another baby. My answer was always that (1) we can absolutely not afford one at this moment, and (2) we had agreed to have just one when we got married. My wife took the pill. Her gyn as well as I told her that she has to take the pill daily for complete protection. I kept asking her a few times every month if she took the pill regularly. She always confirmed.

Five weeks ago she dropped the bombshell. She was 7 weeks pregnant. I was devastated.Not only can we not afford another baby at this time, her pregnancy in two or three months will not allow her to work in our business nor in her new profession. In other words, our income will dry up, except for my social security and the other small income, all of which will not even cover our rent. She also admitted to have forgotten the pill a few times but claims she always took two the next day. Had she told me, I would have insisted on using additional protection. This makes me feel like she planned this pregnancy, basically tricking me, or at the very least she took the risk of getting pregnant. She knows that I love children and am usually adapting easily to new situations, so I guess she thought I would go along in the end. The problem is, it is just not possible. The impact on all of our lives will be extreme, mainly for our little daughter’s life. We would again have to move, probably to government housing (if we can get any with the 6 to 24 months waitlist in our state). Our daughter now goes to one of the nation’s best charter schools. She would have to change school to wherever it is we might be able to find affordable housing. She will lose her friends, the benefits of a great school. My other issue was and is my age, as well as my health conditions. I have hypertension, which was more or less under control with pills, am a diabetic 2 (not fully controlled), and have diverticulitis that required surgery a few years ago; all diseases that worsen with stress. Scientific medical research shows that at my age and with these conditions, a baby is 8 times more likely to be autistic, develop schizophrenia, or may have birth defects.

For those reasons I was and am scared. My wife and I had many discussions and some arguments, nothing violent, but I did get loud sometimes which I never ever did before in our relationship. Finally, she decided to terminate the pregnancy because she realized the problems as well as the danger to the happiness and future of our daughter. She made an appointment for the procedure for the week after. The day before the procedure, she disappeared. My daughter and I were to pick her up from her school as we always did. She did not show. We called her cell. I left her messages, so did our daughter. Nothing. After an hour of waiting and looking for her, we drove home. Finally, I got a text message that she could not go through with the termination, and if I wanted I could text her, but she did not want to talk to me, did not want to get “intimidated” by me, as she wrote. I texted back that this cannot be resolved by text, and to please come home. She did not respond. Our little girl was very worried. We did not know where Mammy was, so I made up lies that Mammy was just out with friends and would come back very late. That night, I had to go to the ER as my blood pressure reached unsafe levels. Luckily, a friend of ours could take our little girl for the night as they kept me for treatment and observation for over 5 hours. I tried to call my wife with no success, but texted her that I was in the ER. No response; until after I was already back home, around 7am, when she texted with the question where our little girl was. I texted back for her to check her email as I had a suggestion to make that was too long to text. By 11am she finally said she was reading the email. But she wanted to think about it. What I suggested was for her to come home and I would refrain from talking about terminating the pregnancy. At long last, at 1pm, she said she would be home by 4pm. When she got home, she told me she had been to a home for abused and distressed women for the night! Another blow.

Since I know about the pregnancy and especially since she did her disappearing act, I cannot sleep. My glucose levels and my blood pressure are out of whack. I can hardly eat. I shake. All of it out of concern for our little daughter. She will be hurt the most in all of this. My wife does not listen to any reasoning, not even from her friends. We went to two counselors, nothing helped. It’s like all she cares for is the baby in her belly, a baby that may be born with mental or physical problems into an impoverished family.

I’m lost.
 

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What's done is done at this point, but with a much younger woman, such as your wife...perhaps you might want to consider a vasectomy, rather than go through this again?
 

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"It’s like all she cares for is the baby in her belly, a baby that may be born with mental or physical problems into an impoverished family. "

She is a mother. My baby sister was born with water on the brain, several other issues, and severely deformed after the dr.s made my mom sit through 72hours of labor. She would not take back that pregnancy for the world, nor would she take back the 5 weeks of life she got to spend with my sister.

Further, I think it is awesome that you're able to put your daughter through a fancy school and have such a lifestyle. But let's be realistic here, PLENTY of people go to a regular school, and turn out just fine. My mom is 42 and just now in her life making almost $40,000 a year, and she raised 3 kids who never suffered or felt impoverished.

I think any parent of a disabled child would be extremely offended by your stand point. I know parents of disabled kids, autism, downs, learning disabilities, wheel chair bound, and they love their children and those children are not suffering.

It sounds to me like you're more worried about having to give up a lifestyle than your wife, her feelings, or YOUR CHILD that is growing inside of her. Yes you have a daughter, but you also have that child in your wifes womb. Why should that child be less important than this one?

I understand being upset at your wife's pregnancy, but frankly, no birth control is 100% and being of the age that you are, you should know that. Accusing her of trapping you, or not taking her birth control properly is going to do absolutely nothing but harm. Life is full of challenges, embrace it. If it was that big of a deal to you, perhaps preventative surgery should have been considered, or something other than the pill, which is easy to mess up should have been used.

Your daughter will make friends in a new school, I went to at least 5 different schools throughout my life. The only one who will really see this as a tragedy is you, and perhaps you are the one who needs counseling, not your wife.
 

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Are you saying that your daughter will be hurt the most by your wife having a baby or will she be hurt because you will divorce your wife?

I can understand you being upset with you W. I don't think this is something you really need or want at your age. I don't have any advice for you, I'm sorry you are in this situation and I hope things work out for the best... I would not mention terminating the pregnancy again... To some that's comparable to asking them to murder their child. I would respect that.
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My first thought... You made a decision that your wife should go back to school and get a job to support you and your daughter (along with your income), and she decided she didn't want to do that. So she did the passive aggressive thing and got pregnant. Then, when you decided she needed to get an abortion, she again did the passive aggressive thing and went along with it, only to bail without telling you.

But I could be way off on all of that... You know your wife much better than I do, obviously.

Second, you're screwed. Your wife controls if she has the baby or not, and if she does, you're on the hook for child support no matter if you're with her, or if you divorce. The only way out of that is giving the baby up for adoption, but I suspect your wife won't go through with that, and I can't imagine the impact that would have on your daughter. She's old enough to understand that Mom's got a baby. Then she'll wonder when you're going to give her away too...

Have you guys gone through any pre-natal testing to determine if there's any abnormalities to worry about? I know that won't tell you everything, but sometimes you just have to do what you can.

Personally, I think you might as well start figuring out how you're going to make this work, as it's likely coming with or without your planning.

Oh, and get a vasectomy. If you didn't want kids, you had the option of making a permanent decision, and you chose not to.

C
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 · (Edited)
I appreciate the comments. Maybe I should add that we both went to counselling, that I did want to have a vasectomy but my wife did absolutely not want me to, that I am not worried about my lifestyle, but about what my daughter and the baby will not have, and that I did not decide for her about going back to school and what to become. That was her decision, and we discussed it, so it became ours. As parents we have a responsibility that goes far and beyond of just having babies. As parents we should strive to make sure that our children have the best education, the attention and the love they deserve, and the priority there, at least in my opinion, is with the one that we have already put into this world. Before we start making babies, we as parents should be responsible enough to think of the consequences, not just thinking about how nice it will be to have a baby. That is why, before we had our daughter, and because of my age - I did not have hypertension, diabetes and diverticulitis then - we did all the tests we could to make sure that my sperm was okay; you probably know that sperm deteriorates rapidly, causing a whole lot of dangers for a baby. We were responsible, and to me, what is happening now is totally irresponsible to everybody involved, including the unborn baby. Why I think I got tricked is that a 65 year old, and having diabetes, usually does not conceive immediately and takes a lot longer than just a few weeks or even months...
I know I'm screwed, as PBear says, because whatever happens, I love my wife, and I certainly will not leave my daughter. But I would like to hear more opinions, as I find them all very helpful. Thank you all.
 

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You can't undo the past. She's pregnant and she plans on having the child. Accept it. See what you guys can do next.

Worrying yourself sick is going to worsen your health and create more problems for you. Stop obsessing about that. Instead, look for new solutions to solve the problem. If things are so bad, is it possible to request temporary welfare assistance of some kind? I know it's not ideal, but it's something. Additionally, businesses are risky. Is there not some kind of employment you could pursue elsewhere that might give you a steady income without the stress? It doesn't have to be a great job or even in your field, but it sounds like your goal right now is money not career advancement. See if you can find other means of getting by.

Remember that worrying about what's going to happen is just going to make things worse. Accept it and move forward.
 

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Not only can we not afford another baby at this time, her pregnancy in two or three months will not allow her to work in our business nor in her new profession.

I am curious--what is your business and her new profession that pregnancy will be an obstacle?

17% of people 65 and over are now in the workforce. You will have to find whatever job you can to support your family.
 

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I appreciate the comments. Maybe I should add that we both went to counselling, that I did want to have a vasectomy but my wife did absolutely not want me to, that I am not worried about my lifestyle, but about what my daughter and the baby will not have, and that I did not decide for her about going back to school and what to become. That was her decision, and we discussed it, so it became ours. As parents we have a responsibility that goes far and beyond of just having babies. As parents we should strive to make sure that our children have the best education, the attention and the love they deserve, and the priority there, at least in my opinion, is with the one that we have already put into this world. Before we start making babies, we as parents should be responsible enough to think of the consequences, not just thinking about how nice it will be to have a baby. That is why, before we had our daughter, and because of my age - I did not have hypertension, diabetes and diverticulitis then - we did all the tests we could to make sure that my sperm was okay; you probably know that sperm deteriorates rapidly, causing a whole lot of dangers for a baby. We were responsible, and to me, what is happening now is totally irresponsible to everybody involved, including the unborn baby. Why I think I got tricked is that a 65 year old, and having diabetes, usually does not conceive immediately and takes a lot longer than just a few weeks or even months...
I know I'm screwed, as PBear says, because whatever happens, I love my wife, and I certainly will not leave my daughter. But I would like to hear more opinions, as I find them all very helpful. Thank you all.
You married a woman a generation younger than you. Surely you had to think at some point while you're on your way to retirement, she's still got a lot of life to live. Most women her age are out having kids, or settling into middle age life... Your marital situation is not the norm in terms of age. Perhaps this is partly why.
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