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STBXW had texted me what time I would be back tonight and I texted 10:45 pm. I decided to extend trip one night after sending.

Received 8 texts after I checked into new hotel about how she transferred the money she took back into the joint account for me (off her cash advance) and how she's late for a client report due tomorrow and has been working on it all night and will need to get up at 5:00 AM to finish and I will need to take the boys to school, etc so she can get this in on time, etc ect. Sent a text tonight saying change of plans will be back at 1:00 PM tomorrow.

I know she will be ballistic as she won't be able to get this done and will catch hell from her boss but it's not an "us" thing anymore as she's made very clear. My feeling is that she needs to realize the consequences of kicking me to the curb as I think I'm dealing with a cake-eating mentatlity here. Is this the right thing to do? I'm getting a kick out of it but maybe I'm being somewhat vindictive also.
Refusing to let someone wipe their feet on you is "vindictive"?



 
New friend is in Los Angeles where her corporate office is and where we relocated from to Ohio 6 years ago. She goes back to that office 4 times a year for 2 weeks and had a trip scheduled two days after D-Day. Maybe it's a friend of a friend of hers? We're both from there so who knows? Just seemed really suspicious with the timing. A date? A one-night stand? Unbelievable that I'm even considering this as I have trusted her totally for 11 years and now I'm snooping on phones,emails, etc.

I'm 99% sure nothing is going on here in Ohio but who the hell knows at this point? She was saying how sad and lonely she was at the new place working during the day with no one really to talk to. I huess that how "being true to herself" feels for now.

Only a few people at church know about this and I was thinking of scheduling a meeting with our minister to discuss. The thing is SHE DOES NOT CARE what any one thinks, etc. We just moved into this neighborhood two years ago and have really made an effort for the kids to get out and connect with people, school, neighbors (even through a block Christamas party last year) I asked if she's even concerned about this and she says "Well these things happen."
Anymore information on posOM?



 
Thanks indiecat for the encouragement. Yeah I don't get it either. She was walking around our $500K home and saying "all this means nothing unless there is love".

She went to one MC session and told the counselor our goals were different as I was trying to save the marriage and she was wanting me to have help with the separation/divorce. She didn't even what to do an evaluation of is this salvageable as she's not in it anymore. No use going back so we're just doing IC.

My family seriously thought she was having some kind of psycholgical breakdown. My sister says she's out of her flippin' mind. From what I see that doesn't seem to be the case (unless you look at the big picture here).
No offence mate, but it doesn't take Nostradamus to figure out she has switched off to you completely and totally because she now has a new man.

"The monkey doesn't let go of one branch until is has a hold of another, otherwise it will fall"

She is completely and utterly besotted with some other man, and like the rest of us (me included) your "male blind spot" makes that difficult for you to conceive or believe.

Better wake up fast brosephina.
 
Discussion starter · #44 ·
OK - an update.

Got back from trip and one of our kids had a stomach virus and had to stay home from school with her on Thurs. As expected, she blew her deadline at work and was in trouble from the boss. She says to me "You need to communicate better with me" which made me laugh inwardly as she's kept this checking out process to herself for a year and here we are. Thursday night, she made dinner for us and left it in the oven when she went back to work at the rental.

Friday, I kept both kids home from school as one was still recovering and the other one looked exhausted the night before and had been sick last week. I asked what time they had been getting up while I was gone (since last week they were getting up at 5:00 AM when she woke up as she can't sleep much now). She hemmed and hawed so I know they've been getting up with her. I said your schedule and actions are affecting the boys health so when are you leaving? No clear answer given but she said "I hear you".

Friday night, she's working and I have our weekly "movie night" with the boys and order in a pizza. She gets there in the middle of it and I see I have a missed call from her. I said I see you called and she said yes I was calling to see if you needed me to pick up a pizza for tonight. I said "I got it - thanks".

After the boys went to bed, she says I seem angry. I said yes I'm angry as I'm still trying to understand how a parent would walk away from their family like this and willingly cede 50% of their children's life away. She said we've hashed this out before and I was what she needed at the time when we met (as she was in a bad space) and met the criteria on paper for what she wanted in life and thought she could make her feelings grow for me over time. So we moved from one house to the next expensive house and so on, had the kids, etc but then she accepted she had "made her bed and now had to lie in it" until she realized she could not keep the truth from herself or me anymore and was unwilling to work on this anymore.

(On a progress note, this statement didn't cause that bloom of panic in my chest like when this started but rather p****ed me off. )

She then accused me of trying to drag out the custody agreement so she would stay in hopes of her changing her mind and making this difficult (ha!). I reminded her that my lawyer had asked for certain documents two weeks ago from our files that are now in the rental that she still hasn't produced, I have seen no first draft from her attorney, and that she needs to sign a release for my attorney allowing him to represent me as he's from the firm that handles our estate and I cannot even talk with him anymore until he receives it. She said yes I will get those ASAP. As of this Monday morning, it is still sitting here on her desk.

I ended that conversation by saying "OK I need to make some decisions now". She aks what decisions nervously as she knows I'm prepared to really take her on with the custody and I just repeat "Some decisions". I'm pretty much bluffing here but let her sweat this out.

Saturday, she had the stomach virus and was home with the kids and I went over to a friend's house for the afternoon. Sunday, I took the boys to church and a birthday party and then went to my parents for dinner.

I researched that FB friend and it is an old friend of hers. Plus she's only in California 4 times a year so really what could come of something like that anyway? I've looked high and low on her computer, email accounts, etc and have found no evidence of any OM. What I do believe is she's got the idea of an OM and new life and I wouldn't be surprised if that happens within a month after she's on her own.

So the issue is how do I move this forward the best way possible for me and the kids? She won't leave until the custody agreement is in place but she can't get her act together enough because of her work schedule (please recall she is a lawyer and has to bill 9-10 hours a day which requires working like 12) to get it done. I can force it by getting her to agree to tell the kids and we can work out a temporary schedule until a formal one is finalized but she wants to take the kids over to the rental as soon as we tell them and I'm not good with that. I'm thinking I can make a big fuss about this in the family therapy session coming up and get the transition I want. On the other hand, she's the one that is so uncomfortable here now but she's still doing the cooking, etc and even self-cleaned the oven last night and it's not really phasing me any more so I'm not in a hurry.

Bigger issue is really how to deal with her after this. My ego and pride want to show her just how difficult I can make this for her for the next 13 years as a "F You" but is that the best solution? We will have to work so closely together with the kids and I know if I'm amicable and agreeable I can pretty much have her as an "assistant" (that sounds bad but I know buttons to push too). But then I feel she "wins" with me out of the picture, kids at her convenience, etc. at the cost of our kids stability which I find hard to accept as well. Any input here would be welcome.
 
Discussion starter · #49 ·
Last night, the boys wanted STBXW and I to go out to a family dinner and then get ice cream. We did and they were so excited as we hadn't done anything with all 4 of us in over a month since this started. Before we left, STBXW hands me the documents my lawyer had requested (gee - thanks). Our son with behavioral issues did so well all day yesterday and at dinner. I'm so concerned for him with what's coming up.

Late last night, I got to thinking about when this bomb dropped in Sept I accepted all the blame for this because of my crappy behavior the last couple of years due to the financial/emotional stress of the last years. But then I started making a list of what her life has been like since we met and what I have been able to provide for her and our family the last 11 years:

1. A stable and secure foundation for her to become a successful attorney, a memeber of the Board of Trustees of one of the largest Methodist churches in our state, active in PTO and community activities
2. 4 houses - one totally remodelled, 2 custom-built, the last one designed to her tastes in one of the best school disticts in the state
3. 2 beautiful, healthy twin boys
4. A full-time private nanny until the boys were 3 so they didn't have to go to day care
5. The best pre-school programs available for our kids
6. A loving and supportive extended family
7. Family vacations to the Caribbean, South Carolina, California, and New England
8. Trips to Europe
9. Cruises
10. A remodelled waterfront lakehouse with dock, boats, and jetskis
11. 100% unconditional trust
12. The financial wherewithal to go and do just about anything
13. A 100% dedicated, involved, hands-on father to the kids
14. A 100% dedicated partner

As she said, "We've built the perfect life, but it's not perfect". Yes I can clearly see I have created a living hell that would "kill someone's soul" and "suck the life" out of someone.

When we met, she was days out of rehab for cocaine abuse, a casualty of the LA party scene, fired from her first job out of law school because of it, and flat broke. My friends told me to stay away but I found her so sexy, vulnerable, and full of potential and I was infatuated and head over heels. In hindsight, I probably should have listened.

OK - end needy, clingy "How could you?" rant and file it here. As Conrad advised, I'm keeping my mouth shut.
 
When we met, she was days out of rehab for cocaine abuse, a casualty of the LA party scene, fired from her first job out of law school because of it, and flat broke. My friends told me to stay away but I found her so sexy, vulnerable, and full of potential and I was infatuated and head over heels. In hindsight, I probably should have listened.
I'm a rescuer, too.

Those red flags are there, for a reason. ;)
 
Discussion starter · #51 ·
Yeah - I ignored them at first but she quickly pulled her act together. No issues or problems - sober for 12 years now. Got the career back on track. I always looked at that as a phase of life - I was in that crowd a bit in my early 20's as a lot of people are when they move to LA so I could relate. Now she's saying I was a safe place and what she needed at the time. I'm like we're about 10 years too late for that realization.
 
Discussion starter · #53 ·
So this afternoon I'm in the car, she calls and the Bluetooth kicks over before I can decline the call. Conversation is as follows:

STBXW: "What are you doing?"
Soca: "Driving to Kinko's." (since you took the copier/printer/fax machine and I haven't replaced it yet)
STBXW: "Well I have about 6 hours of work left for this document production, blah, blah, blah so can you pick up the boys after school, do dinner, baths and I will be home around 7:30 PM before their bedtime?"
Soca: "I can do that."
STBXW: "And I can take them to school tomorrow and pick them up early since I will be done with this project, blah, blah, blah. I'm heading to my therapist for my weekly ***** session - ha! ha! ha!"
Soca: "OK - bye."

I'm glad she finds her IC so amusing since she refused to go to MC. I just don't get her. She makes these grand statements "I'm done. I have to get out of here as soon as possible. I may have used you (with the best of intentions) for the last 10 years. " and then keeps chatting me up like one of her girlfriends. Is this normal? Insight would be appreciated. Thanks!
 
Yeah - I ignored them at first but she quickly pulled her act together. No issues or problems - sober for 12 years now. Got the career back on track. I always looked at that as a phase of life - I was in that crowd a bit in my early 20's as a lot of people are when they move to LA so I could relate. Now she's saying I was a safe place and what she needed at the time. I'm like we're about 10 years too late for that realization.
So, you were trying to earn her love all that time.

You figured she would stay because she would appreciate all you did for her - even though she didn't ask.



 
Discussion starter · #55 ·
Nail on the head with that one, Conrad. She actually became resentful of this as thought I took credit for her "turnaround" and didn't really give her any (not entirely true but there is a kernel of truth there). And yes, I thought with our history she would stay - never once questioned it (naively I see now).

However, I thought she did ask in a way because in the beginning, she was the one that initiated our R.
 
I submit this as firm evidence of "why" we offer the strategy we do here.

Fixing oneself with IC and a renewed zest for life

Omitting all the "victim-based" explanations of how wonderful we've been to them and how grateful they should be

Leaving the next move to them.

When they ask the question, they're ready for the answer

Likewise, when they ask for your help, they're ready to appreciate it deeply.

Anything else is salesmanship and smothering - and destined to fail.



 
Discussion starter · #57 ·
Conrad - I agree with the IC (which I'm doing) and have needed the renewed "zest" for some time. I'm working on a plan to how to accomplish this - I became somewhat lost the last few years with the pressures of the kids, etc so this will be a time to re-discover myself. The alternative is to isolate and stagnate and that is not an option.

I didn't realize my thinking was so "victim-based" and I will need to correct that mindset. I think by becoming the best possible me will go a long way.

And yes, I am a sales executive so my natural inclination and interaction has been "selling" her throughout our R (and as you see here, failed).
 
Soca,

Persuasive power is an opiate.

Males, being as competitive as they are try to win any game they're in.

Applying our persuasive power in relationships is a natural - albeit wrongheaded - step.

Do yourself a favor and forgive yourself.

You didn't know any better.

Going forward, you have no excuses;)



 
Discussion starter · #59 ·
Yes, I didn't know any better and did the best I could at the time (or mostly). And I know I've always done the right thing for my family.

And I'm trying to balance the "need to win" with the best actions for this situation which is very difficult. We will see how this unfolds.
 
Yes, I didn't know any better and did the best I could at the time (or mostly). And I know I've always done the right thing for my family.

And I'm trying to balance the "need to win" with the best actions for this situation which is very difficult. We will see how this unfolds.
Have we spoken of the Victim Triangle?



 
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