[soca70]

My story is similar to others on this site. At the end of Sept, W asks to talk to me and announces she's done and it's over after 11 years. She says that she's never been "in love" with me and that the qualities of my personality that attracted her to me have been erased over the last five years and replaced by negativity and cynicism.

Backstory is we moved cross-country from an expensive city when we decided to have kids to my home state 6 years ago. We had 3 IVF attempts before we had twin boys who are now 5 1/2. We also sold a hosuse and built a new one two years ago which was a financial and emotional nightmare during the real estate downturn. Couple this with my company going unstable and the stress was overwhelming. Unfortunately I did not handle this well and vented most of my frustration on her by being snappy and irritable and obseesively worrying about finances.

I immediately went into the "I'll change" mode and suggested counseling. She indicated she had brought up counseling 2 years before but I dismissed it. At the time, we were working to find a therapist for behavioral issues one of our boys was having and I was focused on that instead. We had always said we'd never get divorced because of the kids. She said it's too late for MC as she checked out over a year ago since I was never going to change and the lack of physical atrraction became an issue over the last 6-9 months (which I found confusing as we have sex every week or so).

She left for a business trip for 2 weeks but came back still firm in her decision and we have done an in-house separation with her in the guest bedroom. I said if she's walking out I'm keeping the house. She has secured a rental house in the neighborhood and will not leave until we sign a 50/50 co-parenting agreement as we have both been active parents. Agreement should be done in about 2 weeks as we both met with attorneys. She went to one MC session and told the therapist we had different goals as I was working to save the marriage and she was there to help me with the separation/divorce process. We both have been going to IC and hers confirmed for her "you know when it's done".

In the meantime, I have taken note of the similar results of this situation unfortunately as others - I've dropped 8 pounds in a month, can barely sleep, and am on 40 mg of Lexapro. I cannot believe that someone who was best friend a month ago is now an adversary in our house. We both work at home and it's surreal as we both go about the day. We just signed the refinance out of the construction loan on Friday and went to kindergarten parent-teacher conferences. She's convinced the kids will be fine with us divorced rather than have unhappy parents. Going forward though we re going toi have to cooridnate every day for the next 13 years for the kids' and our travel schedules. I cannot get over the fact she's not looking at the downsides of this and also how much she wants to be away from me to go through all this! My mind has accepted this but me heart is holding out for some kind of "Hail Mary" before she moves out in a couple of weeks.I've been wanting to do the 180 but we are both with the kids each day so not sure how. This is the most devastating thing I've ever experienced and I never see recovering from it.

 

[how was your day?]

soca...

im not in a good place right now

was married 6+ years... together 10 years, she left me about october 1st

today was the first time i saw her in almost 2 weeks, it set me back, good luck man... this is hard, no bull****

 

[NoWhere]

Your story sounds a lot like mine. My wife gave me the 'I love you, but I'm not in love with you' speech Sept 11. The date actually makes it worse since now it will be impossible to forget. Anyway maybe I was naive up to that point, but I come to find out she's seeing another guy.

You can do the 180 with kids. Though in my case it hasn't achieved any results. Maybe because I spent to much time at first pleading for our marriage or maybe I'm just not doing it right. My wife seems to not care a bit about me or any love we had together. I assume its because she is so infatuated with the OM. Others here have reported success with the 180 and it doesn't hurt to try.

 

[lostinspaces]

NoWhere - Trust me. I doesnt matter the date, you'll never forget it. Mine had no special significance until it happened and now I know I'll remember the date forever.

I'm also pretty sure the 180 doesnt work well when the mate has already bonded with someone new (as in a lot of our cases). I still think it is good for the healing process, but as far as trying to get your partner back, I think they will never feel what tehy've lost while they still have the "new" support network (especially while it is still new and exciting).

Soca - Just focus on making yourself better. You can't change what she feels right now, she'll either come out of it on her own ... or she won't. Unfortunately there is no "right" thing to do in these situations; every case is different, every person is different. What might work for one of us in saving a marriage may be what drives another's spouse away. That is whay (I think) you need to just focus on making yourself a better person.

If you make yourself better, you'll feel better about yourself, which will make you more attractive ... to the spouse, or someone new.

 

[Conrad]

Soca,

Before you waste a bunch of time, find out if she has someone else.

How to best handle this is vastly different if she already has a posOM.



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[soca70]

Thanks for the replies and advice. I had started working out again this year and have been keeping it up through this so I'm feeling OK physically.

Conrad - from the forums I saw that "ILYBNILWY" speech is often a sign of a posOM. Last weekend, for the first time in 11 years, I started checking through her email accounts, Facebook, etc. I did find a UserID to an online dating site which I confronted her about. She said she just registered to "check what's out there" after she indicated she was over us and on her trip but has not acted on anything and that she has been faithful for 11 years. I truly believe this as we work out of the house together, etc and have never once suspected anything. However, just finding that registration on that site made a part of me want to die.

 

[Nsweet]

My story is similar to others on this site. At the end of Sept, W asks to talk to me and announces she's done and it's over after 11 years. She says that she's never been "in love" with me and that the qualities of my personality that attracted her to me have been erased over the last five years and replaced by negativity and cynicism.

Backstory is we moved cross-country from an expensive city when we decided to have kids to my home state 6 years ago. We had 3 IVF attempts before we had twin boys who are now 5 1/2. We also sold a hosuse and built a new one two years ago which was a financial and emotional nightmare during the real estate downturn. Couple this with my company going unstable and the stress was overwhelming. Unfortunately I did not handle this well and vented most of my frustration on her by being snappy and irritable and obseesively worrying about finances.

I immediately went into the "I'll change" mode and suggested counseling. She indicated she had brought up counseling 2 years before but I dismissed it. At the time, we were working to find a therapist for behavioral issues one of our boys was having and I was focused on that instead. We had always said we'd never get divorced because of the kids. She said it's too late for MC as she checked out over a year ago since I was never going to change and the lack of physical atrraction became an issue over the last 6-9 months (which I found confusing as we have sex every week or so).

She left for a business trip for 2 weeks but came back still firm in her decision and we have done an in-house separation with her in the guest bedroom. I said if she's walking out I'm keeping the house. She has secured a rental house in the neighborhood and will not leave until we sign a 50/50 co-parenting agreement as we have both been active parents. Agreement should be done in about 2 weeks as we both met with attorneys. She went to one MC session and told the therapist we had different goals as I was working to save the marriage and she was there to help me with the separation/divorce process. We both have been going to IC and hers confirmed for her "you know when it's done".

In the meantime, I have taken note of the similar results of this situation unfortunately as others - I've dropped 8 pounds in a month, can barely sleep, and am on 40 mg of Lexapro. I cannot believe that someone who was best friend a month ago is now an adversary in our house. We both work at home and it's surreal as we both go about the day. We just signed the refinance out of the construction loan on Friday and went to kindergarten parent-teacher conferences. She's convinced the kids will be fine with us divorced rather than have unhappy parents. Going forward though we re going toi have to cooridnate every day for the next 13 years for the kids' and our travel schedules. I cannot get over the fact she's not looking at the downsides of this and also how much she wants to be away from me to go through all this! My mind has accepted this but me heart is holding out for some kind of "Hail Mary" before she moves out in a couple of weeks.I've been wanting to do the 180 but we are both with the kids each day so not sure how. This is the most devastating thing I've ever experienced and I never see recovering from it.

Yours is a very common problem with an easier solution than most provided there are not issues with affairs, abuse, or substances. You may have driven her crazy with a negative outlook but her poor self-esteem was the catalyst in this divorce.

By telling you she never loved you..... "and I just want out of this relationship" she's giving you a poor cop out and rewriting history so she can feel her decision to divorce you was right. Essentially what she's doing is she's avoiding responsiblity for her true feelings so she can feel better and agree with her bruised ego.

To put it another way it would be like you telling me you hated your children after they've done something that upsets you. You know you don't hate them but you want to be upset and so you fight for any negative feelings you may have to keep that hatred flowing. Ever have your wife tell you not to make her laugh when she's trying to argue with you?

If you want your wife back the solution is simple. Agree with her feelings 100% and act happy about her decision to avoid any friction. And learn to love yourself and be happy without her. By following the 180 you'll stop caring about what she thinks of you and show her you're changing for the better because you'll actually have hobbies outside of her you enjoy.

But here's what makes your case special...... If you both work at home then you're seeing an aweful lot of each other as it is. You have no room to breathe without running into each other and you can't fake that work is going great because she's right there with you. Your 180 will be astoundingly easier once you separate and actually get a chance to miss each other. That is if you can show her you're not head over heels in love with her when she's pulling away and a completely conquored man.

I have a feeling in just a few short months you'll be making excuses to see each other.

 

[Orpheus]

Soca, sorry for your situation. I'm a few more months in front of you. What i've learned from countless hours here is that very little of the details matter. Over is over until it isn't. Why they've left matters little if at all. The only direction for you to go is towards you and to drag your kids and your finances along with you. If your stbxw ever had a change of heart she would be certain to let you know. There wouldn't be hidden signals and there isn't any soft dance you can do that's going to make a damn difference.

It sounds like you understand on some level that you've let yourself go. And you know what you have to do to regain yourself for your own benefit. Processing my divorce is some of the most emotional pain i'll ever go through. Worse than when my father passed away. Stick to YOU; seek distraction; push for separation and division as soon as possible; create "new" experiences and relationships (friends etc).

And writing and reading here helps a great deal.

 

[soca70]

I don't know why reading other people's hideous stories on this site brings some comfort but it does. It helps to see that these feelings I have are "normal".

As an update, W still insists that marriage is over/done and has moved forward with securing rental house a 5 minute walk away. I found out she was writing large checks for security deposits, rent, furniture, utilities out of our joint account. I went to the bank and transferred our available checking/savings into a new account I opened as my therapist agreed I needed to protect myself. W comes home after having debit card being declined at Subway and angrily confronts me about wanting to "play it that way". I said she's free to go but I'm not paying for it. She has since opened up new credit cards and run up about $7K for cash advances, etc. and to pay me back $2500 from the joint acccount.

We had a meeting with our family therapist for ways to break the news to the kids once we have the co-custody agreement in place. I was seething thge entire time as she is going on and on about how this is the best solution for our kids, etc. Absolutely no concern over this! Therapist agreed that the best solution is 50/50 since we have been equal throughout in terms of parenting due to travel schedules.

She has always been very close with my family and we have all vacationed together over the years, hung out at our family lakehouse, etc. I let her know this weekend that my parents have chosen to remove her from our family as she has decided to remove herself from ours without any counselling effort and putting the kids in this situation. She was more hurt by this by anything I've said and turned it around on my parents for treating her like that and it would be their loss. I said "What loss? A W that walks out on her family?"

Yesterday, my sister let me know that she has a new "friend" on FB from when she was out of town or work after she dropped this bomb on me. I looked and this guy friended her on the Monday after she supposedly had to extend her trip at her boss' request over the weekend through the next Wed. WTH?

The thing that is getting me the most is that while I've been an emotional wreck over this she looks stressed as hell also. However, she says not from second-guessing her decision or the kids but from how to finance this move out. At times, she looks happy as a clam and asked me to bring down the toaster (toaster!) from the lakehouse when I go up to get some furniture to put in the office since she moved that out on 11/1 to the rental. I've noticed from others that the spouses look the same but start acting like "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" - who is this person????

We sat down yesterday to figure out an asset/payment agreement which I am trying to expedite as it's pretty favorable to me. I know her main concern is the 50/50 custody but I am meeting with my attorney tomorrow to figure out a way to gain majority control. My thinking if someone is going to destroy 3 lives, they sure as hell are not going to do it without repercussions. I'm holding back the FB info pending what the lawyer says.

Just wanted to get this out as I'm starting to slip into the "angry" phase of this I think.

 

[oncehisangel]

there's been a ufo landing and its taken all the nice out of them... i think they're all on a big ship talking about their crappy marriages.

Im sorry you're going through this. Just take comfort in the fact that you are not alone in the whole mess.
And it's ok to get angry-thats better than the sad days.

Look after you and your kids ok

 

[soca70]

Thanks oncehisangel! Another nugget this week was "Do you mind watching the kids on Saturday night? I'm going to a concert with (mutual friends) out of town and I deserve to have some fun during this!"

 

[oncehisangel]

I hear you. I got "Im going to Apollo bay and then America. I said 'great send me a postcard"
meanwhile Im let wih a house that needs repairs to sell and confusion and no money.



Ive dropped 11 kilos in nine weeks. Its yuch.

People should love us in the good and the bad you know. But sometimes they just cant
Dont be mad at you. This is her issue. ok

 

[the guy]

Tell her you will watch the kids and keep the kids and that you don't want the stink of the other man to get on them.

or


Tell her until we have a custody aggrement you will not tolorate her acting single when she has kids to look after and if she goes you will consider this abandonment.

Or

tell her you will watch the kids and watch them for the rest of there life and she can go phuck off and don't even bother to come back.

Or

Tell her you will watch them this weekend and she can watch them next week end cuz you have met someone else.

 

[soca70]

Oncehisangel - I've dropped 11 pounds in a month down to goal weight now so I guess that's a positive.

The guy - the friends are good friends of both of ours from church (W is on the Board of Directors) so I could verify that pretty easily. I do, however, agree with you on point #2 that until we get this custody settled we shouldn't be running around acting single while I'm with the kids.

I have a feeling I will be needing #4 in the future.

 

[the guy]

Hold the phone here...... is your wife having an affair and is board of directors for the church? No wonder she looks like hell...trying to keep her "new friend" under wraps must be trying for her!

Man, what do the folks in the chuch think about your walk away wife?

 

[soca70]

New friend is in Los Angeles where her corporate office is and where we relocated from to Ohio 6 years ago. She goes back to that office 4 times a year for 2 weeks and had a trip scheduled two days after D-Day. Maybe it's a friend of a friend of hers? We're both from there so who knows? Just seemed really suspicious with the timing. A date? A one-night stand? Unbelievable that I'm even considering this as I have trusted her totally for 11 years and now I'm snooping on phones,emails, etc.

I'm 99% sure nothing is going on here in Ohio but who the hell knows at this point? She was saying how sad and lonely she was at the new place working during the day with no one really to talk to. I huess that how "being true to herself" feels for now.

Only a few people at church know about this and I was thinking of scheduling a meeting with our minister to discuss. The thing is SHE DOES NOT CARE what any one thinks, etc. We just moved into this neighborhood two years ago and have really made an effort for the kids to get out and connect with people, school, neighbors (even through a block Christamas party last year) I asked if she's even concerned about this and she says "Well these things happen."

 

[indiecat]

She seems too calm, it's very odd. Just knowing that she can't be with her own kids full time anymore should make her very upset in itself. These are very young kids to have their mom be gone half the time. I wonder why she doesn't care about the effect it will have on them to have their worlds turned around.
I can only guess that there is a OM, maybe she has not cheated yet, but it's very odd behaviour for a mother with children this age.

 

[soca70]

She's an attorney and is used to working very long hours, weekends, etc where I have had the kids on my own for a long time and then I work in sales and travel for work often so we have always parented in "shifts" about equally. She thinks this 50/50 in different houses will keep the kids with us the same time and allow for her to spend more quality time with them as she can catch up on the "off" days.

My take on this is she is so unhappy in with me now that come hell or high water she's getting out the door.

 

[oncehisangel]

i agree with indie...

its that damn fog again


makes them all bananas

 

[soca70]

I was on an anger roll earlier but I need to be two-sided here. We did speak last week and she said if I remembered her sitting on our stairs 3 years ago, crying saying we were losing our connection, we might be in trouble, etc. The thing is I don't remember this at all. With two rowddy toddlers (one developing behavioral problems), working/travelling full time time, financial strain, etc, these issues did not register with me. I guess I figured it would work itself out. She told me last week that I've been unbearable for the last few years and that 18 months ago she would have tried anything to save our R but about a year ago realized I would not change and started checking out.

I think the decision to leave has been like this:

1. House in neighborhood - check
2. Kids in same school/same friends - check
3. Soca used to be stable, successful, and level-headed and now I am stable, successful and level-heaeded - check
4. No Soca *****ing, complaing, obseesively worrying about finances, kids behavior, economy, college fund, construction loan and basically bringing me down with his negative attitude - check
5. Young enough to find someone else - check

I have been angry but a lot of this anger has been directed to myself as I feel like a lot of my behavior has brought this on. My frustration is her unwillingness to work on this with me. She told me that I had really stepped up to the plate on this to save the family but it's too late. I just cannot accept this in a part of my mind. If it was just us I could but with the kids I find this heartbreaking.