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1,183 Posts
My story is similar to others on this site. At the end of Sept, W asks to talk to me and announces she's done and it's over after 11 years. She says that she's never been "in love" with me and that the qualities of my personality that attracted her to me have been erased over the last five years and replaced by negativity and cynicism.
Backstory is we moved cross-country from an expensive city when we decided to have kids to my home state 6 years ago. We had 3 IVF attempts before we had twin boys who are now 5 1/2. We also sold a hosuse and built a new one two years ago which was a financial and emotional nightmare during the real estate downturn. Couple this with my company going unstable and the stress was overwhelming. Unfortunately I did not handle this well and vented most of my frustration on her by being snappy and irritable and obseesively worrying about finances.
I immediately went into the "I'll change" mode and suggested counseling. She indicated she had brought up counseling 2 years before but I dismissed it. At the time, we were working to find a therapist for behavioral issues one of our boys was having and I was focused on that instead. We had always said we'd never get divorced because of the kids. She said it's too late for MC as she checked out over a year ago since I was never going to change and the lack of physical atrraction became an issue over the last 6-9 months (which I found confusing as we have sex every week or so).
She left for a business trip for 2 weeks but came back still firm in her decision and we have done an in-house separation with her in the guest bedroom. I said if she's walking out I'm keeping the house. She has secured a rental house in the neighborhood and will not leave until we sign a 50/50 co-parenting agreement as we have both been active parents. Agreement should be done in about 2 weeks as we both met with attorneys. She went to one MC session and told the therapist we had different goals as I was working to save the marriage and she was there to help me with the separation/divorce process. We both have been going to IC and hers confirmed for her "you know when it's done".
In the meantime, I have taken note of the similar results of this situation unfortunately as others - I've dropped 8 pounds in a month, can barely sleep, and am on 40 mg of Lexapro. I cannot believe that someone who was best friend a month ago is now an adversary in our house. We both work at home and it's surreal as we both go about the day. We just signed the refinance out of the construction loan on Friday and went to kindergarten parent-teacher conferences. She's convinced the kids will be fine with us divorced rather than have unhappy parents. Going forward though we re going toi have to cooridnate every day for the next 13 years for the kids' and our travel schedules. I cannot get over the fact she's not looking at the downsides of this and also how much she wants to be away from me to go through all this! My mind has accepted this but me heart is holding out for some kind of "Hail Mary" before she moves out in a couple of weeks.I've been wanting to do the 180 but we are both with the kids each day so not sure how. This is the most devastating thing I've ever experienced and I never see recovering from it.
Backstory is we moved cross-country from an expensive city when we decided to have kids to my home state 6 years ago. We had 3 IVF attempts before we had twin boys who are now 5 1/2. We also sold a hosuse and built a new one two years ago which was a financial and emotional nightmare during the real estate downturn. Couple this with my company going unstable and the stress was overwhelming. Unfortunately I did not handle this well and vented most of my frustration on her by being snappy and irritable and obseesively worrying about finances.
I immediately went into the "I'll change" mode and suggested counseling. She indicated she had brought up counseling 2 years before but I dismissed it. At the time, we were working to find a therapist for behavioral issues one of our boys was having and I was focused on that instead. We had always said we'd never get divorced because of the kids. She said it's too late for MC as she checked out over a year ago since I was never going to change and the lack of physical atrraction became an issue over the last 6-9 months (which I found confusing as we have sex every week or so).
She left for a business trip for 2 weeks but came back still firm in her decision and we have done an in-house separation with her in the guest bedroom. I said if she's walking out I'm keeping the house. She has secured a rental house in the neighborhood and will not leave until we sign a 50/50 co-parenting agreement as we have both been active parents. Agreement should be done in about 2 weeks as we both met with attorneys. She went to one MC session and told the therapist we had different goals as I was working to save the marriage and she was there to help me with the separation/divorce process. We both have been going to IC and hers confirmed for her "you know when it's done".
In the meantime, I have taken note of the similar results of this situation unfortunately as others - I've dropped 8 pounds in a month, can barely sleep, and am on 40 mg of Lexapro. I cannot believe that someone who was best friend a month ago is now an adversary in our house. We both work at home and it's surreal as we both go about the day. We just signed the refinance out of the construction loan on Friday and went to kindergarten parent-teacher conferences. She's convinced the kids will be fine with us divorced rather than have unhappy parents. Going forward though we re going toi have to cooridnate every day for the next 13 years for the kids' and our travel schedules. I cannot get over the fact she's not looking at the downsides of this and also how much she wants to be away from me to go through all this! My mind has accepted this but me heart is holding out for some kind of "Hail Mary" before she moves out in a couple of weeks.I've been wanting to do the 180 but we are both with the kids each day so not sure how. This is the most devastating thing I've ever experienced and I never see recovering from it.