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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I married my husband some 16 years ago, knowing that he was not particularly affectionate but over time I hoped it would improve. Sadly it didn't and now I am finding that it is affecting my health.

My husband has never acknowledged my birthday, Christmas or Valentine's day and when our son came along there was never a Mother's day either and still isn't. He never admits to loving me and when I ask his response is always 'maybe'. Over the years I grew to accept his irrational behavior but now I am older, approaching my 50's I am feeling a little less confident about myself and I need him to make me feel that I have a special place in his life.

He has never defended me, always put his family and friends first, does everything on his terms, and will not admit he's wrong. On a social note he refuses to socialize with my friends and will on some occasions chose to ignore them. He's also been unfaithful to me, and in the early stages of our marriage would disappear for days with his friends. During my pregnancy he would have regular weekend trips to Amsterdam deliberately coming back with half empty packets of condoms.

Over the years this has made me very sad, unstable and angry. I now suffer mood swings, depression, and find myself thinking about suicide.

Should I be thinking about a new life away from him. We have tried counselling in the past, our relationship is good for a while but it's not sustainable.

Any advice would be very welcome.
 

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Yes, you should be thinking about a life away from him.

You married him in one condition, expecting him to change and he hasn't. In fact, he has done more to disrespect you and by staying, you have implied that his behavior is acceptable to you.

Start to do a 180 on him, for no other reason but to prepare yourself to move on while you are young enough to do so.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Thanks Chris, perhaps you could answer this question being a male. His father reacts in the same way so perhaps it could be his upbringing. Or maybe I just wasn't that woman he loved enough to change his ways for - is that possible?
 

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You found condoms in his pocket and stayed with him? Was this ever resolved?

It sounds like you have a ton of resentment built up which is poison to a marriage.

From what I am reading between lines is that you have allowed the type of relationship you have had for many years and are now deciding you have had enough.

I can tell you your number of years married and assumed age is prime for a MLC, which may be playing into this perfect WAW syndrome.

I am Pro marriage and believe all steps should be made to preserve marriages, but reading your story I have to agree with Chris. Learn the 180 and prepare your new future.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
This is me - Don't think it ever was - knowing my husband I was brain washed into believing it was totally innocent.

I will focus on the 180 and start setting some goals for my new life.
 

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Thanks Chris, perhaps you could answer this question being a male. His father reacts in the same way so perhaps it could be his upbringing. Or maybe I just wasn't that woman he loved enough to change his ways for - is that possible?
STOP! STOP! STOP!

You're looking for an answer to why he does what he does because then you can partially justify it and also believe that when the problem is defined, it can be solved.

Let me explain rule number one of men.

YOU CAN'T CHANGE MEN. YOU CAN ONLY ESTABLISH AN ENVIRONMENT WHERE THEY WANT TO CHANGE!

If your husband has cheated, it's because your his little safety net at home but he gets no thrill from you.
If he puts others first, it's because he doesn't value you.
If he doesn't involve you in things, it's because he doesn't respect you.
If he never acknowledges you (birthdays, mothers day etc.) it's because he treats you as his servant, not his equal in life wife.

How many more years are you going to waste on him?

EDIT: And let me state fully that you deserve 1000x better. You deserve a husband who does value and want you. Your husband won't change, he's too set in his way. Find a man who wants these things from and for you without having to change.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Just confused. People tell me I am stunning but yet my husband treats me like I wear a garbage bag 24/7. There's nothing really attractive about him so why would he treat me this way? surely he would be doing everything in his power to make me feel special - unless he doesn't love me. Does he get off on other people complimenting me perhaps?

I am having a really hard time understanding how he can treat me this way. Where's his conscience? I am not trying to find excuses so that I can forgive and forget and live happily ever after. I want to better understand this behavior so I can justify it to myself.
 

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While I cant say what his reasons are for it starting, he continues to treat you this way because you have allowed it. Stop trying to justify it. It sounds to me like its time for you to take away his control of you and get out.
 

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This is not about losing faith. You have lost your self-esteem and self-respect. Please try to focus on what your needs are. Don't worry about how your husband feels. Your spirit needs to heal.:)
 
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