[Phil179]

I'm in a desperate situation here and I need help.

I'm losing my best friend, my wife. We have been married for 2 years and together for 7. A little history of us first. We met in college through some friends. Dated for 5 years and split up a few times during that time. Those breakups were initiated by me being an idiot young man and not wanting to commit. About a year before we were engaged we moved in together. Bought a house 6 months ago. She is a nurse and I am in-between jobs.

Myself - I'm not in the running for the Best Husband Award anytime soon and its finally hit home for me. I never truly treated my best friend the way she deserved and wanted. She told me many times that I needed to change or she wouldn't be able to stay. Well I made changes a few months ago as I realized I was losing my wife for real and I didn't want that, EVER!

About 2 months ago I noticed some changes. She told me she was losing the feelings she once had for me and that she wasn't sure what she wanted to do in regards to our marriage. We discussed what some of the problems are/were and she praised me for making huge strides in changing my attitude the last few months but that it may be too little, too late. We chose to work through our problems and revitalize our marriage.
Two weeks passed and things seemed better but I could tell she was still distant. Yesterday she told me she couldn't do this (marriage) anymore and asked me to move out for awhile. I left for the night and returned home (can't keep a hotel forever) to figure out where I was going to stay. She says she's not actively seeking a lawyer for D and she's not so sure she wants this to be a Trial Separation. She says she needs time for herself and space to figure out if our marriage is worth staying in.

I'm losing my best friend in the world. I can't think of a life without her. I have very few friends in the city we live so no real social support. Most, if not all, of my friends are hers as well. I have a couple of close friends here but they are in serious relationships so I can't count on being around them all the time for support.

I don't know what to do! I don't know where to turn! I'm seriously scared to death of leaving our home and having to start over without her. I need help. I need advice.

I've read The 180 a couple of times and plan on using that as a foundation to rebuild.

 

[warlock07]

Have you tried marriage counseling ?


And just make sure that there is no one else involved in the situation(coworker, friend). You cannot fix anything if there is a 3rd party in the marriage

 

[anchorwatch]

Don't jump to the 180 so quickly. That's for letting go. Are you ready to let go? Have you asked her to go to MC yet?

And do what Warlock advised. Discretely check that another person is not filling her needs.

 

[tom67]

Have you tried marriage counseling ?


And just make sure that there is no one else involved in the situation(coworker, friend). You cannot fix anything if there is a 3rd party in the marriage

Check phone records if you have a joint bank acct. take half out set one up for you before she takes all of it get a couple vars set one in her car and house if you want to find out who it is.Let HER move out!

 

[PBear]

The 180 is intended to prepare YOU to move on. Doing it with the hope it will change her mind is risky business, especially if her complaints had anything to do with you being distant, uncommunicative, an "absent father", etc. Choose your tools carefully.

C
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[RClawson]

Phil,

Above all else you must find gainful employment even if it is not your cup of tea. I am telling you until this happens she does not respect you.

 

[Phil179]

We have briefly spoke about MC and at this point I am all for it. She seems to be ok with it. I just never figured I would let us get to this point where she is nearly "I love you but I'm not in love with you."

She feels that she has given so much over the last 7 years with nothing in return from me now I'm paying for it. I hate this empty and lonely feeling inside. I just keep hoping this is a nightmare I get to wake up from soon.

Today I realized that I can't even hang around our friends without it all reminding me of us. God I hate this!

 

[Machiavelli]

Didn't you post this before and then delete the thread? The advice is the same: trial separation is to give her time and space to have fun with her affair partner without you cramping her style.

 

[Phil179]

Didn't you post this before and then delete the thread? The advice is the same: trial separation is to give her time and space to have fun with her affair partner without you cramping her style.

No this is the first post I've ever done.

 

[Chris Taylor]

I think jumping to an affair because of a trial separation is a bit hasty. It sounds like the car is already over the cliff and you are trying to figure out where the brake pedal is.

If she is willing to go to marriage counseling, it has to be because she wants to save the marriage. If she isn't there, she should go to individual counseling and figure out what to do.

I don't think the 180 is called for here unless she's unwilling to commit to fixing the marriage.