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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I am newly married to one of my childhood friends who in a million years would ever think that that's who I would be married to and my first marriage at that. He is a great guy and very sweet and takes care of me however I still have questions or shall I say doubts about his past relationship. We were both in relationships when we reconnected and we only dated for a year before we were married. We've known each other since we were 10 years old and our families know one another.

My now husband was dating a girl whom he went to high school with for 2.5 years and they were engaged to be married but quickly went south towards the end because he found out she was talking with another man and spent her birthday and etc with the new guy. He found her car at his house and they soon broke up. he didn't physically see her cheating on him but was spending a lot of time with this new guy. They were totally in love and this really hurt him. He contacted me a moth later after their break up and suggested we should hang out. I agreed and then we started dating a few weeks later. My questions are about how he really still feels for her. I have read a few emails where he has written to her that he's the one who messed up and took her for granted and she was the smartest, most independent, beautiful etc and that he could never love anyone else they way he loved her and that their break up has runied him and his feelings for another person would always be guarded.

He asked me to move in with him a month after we were dating and asked me to marry him after 3 months of dating. She attempts to contact him but he never has responded to her. My question and for my own piece of mind is, why did he marry me if he felt so deeply and strong love for her as he said? He says he doesn't love her and that he realizes that she was wrong for him and that he was in a bad relationship and knows he is with the right person now and he is where he wants to be and has no regrets and would not take her back even if we were to divorce. With that being said, my mind still wonders how he really feels or has any regrets. Why did he marry me so quickly? Don't get me wrong, I love this man with ALL my heart and this is my first marriage but I just don't want to be used or be with someone who is in love with someone who is in love with someone else or doesn't love me as much as I love him. He does take care of me in every way and I apppreciate and LOVE him to the moon and back. Is this wrong to feel this way?

Thank you for listening :)
 

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Is this wrong to feel this way?

My question and for my own piece of mind is, why did he marry me if he felt so deeply and strong love for her as he said? He says he doesn't love her and that he realizes that she was wrong for him and that he was in a bad relationship and knows he is with the right person now and he is where he wants to be and has no regrets and would not take her back even if we were to divorce
Why can't you accept his answer and be happy with that? Feelings aren't wrong or right, but seriously you need to accept his answer and let this go. There's nothing productive about you going over and over some past relationship your husband had. He's with you. He married you. He's good to you. What else do you want??
 

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My guess is that he wrote the emails shortly after the breakup. The wording is pretty typical of "the fog" some are in after a relationship ends.

At this point I think you should drop it, because she has attempted contact and he has not responded. You have discussed your concerns with him and he has reassured you that you are the right one for him.

He chose you, focus on making happy memories, and building your lives together. Don't borrow trouble.

However, to protect your marriage he should maintain No Contact with her for life.
 

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He chose you to be his partner and you chose him. Let the past go and start proving to each other every day why you guys made the right choice. :)
 

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Believe him.

But if you want to work on your marriage (i.e. raise your game) this is a great forum from which to learn.

You might be interested in the Five Languages of Love and His Needs Her Needs

Best wishes
 

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I am newly married to one of my childhood friends who in a million years would ever think that that's who I would be married to and my first marriage at that.
Why do you call your marriage to your husband your "first marriage"?
 

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I am newly married to one of my childhood friends who in a million years would ever think that that's who I would be married to and my first marriage at that. He is a great guy and very sweet and takes care of me however I still have questions or shall I say doubts about his past relationship. We were both in relationships when we reconnected and we only dated for a year before we were married. We've known each other since we were 10 years old and our families know one another.

My now husband was dating a girl whom he went to high school with for 2.5 years and they were engaged to be married but quickly went south towards the end because he found out she was talking with another man and spent her birthday and etc with the new guy. He found her car at his house and they soon broke up. he didn't physically see her cheating on him but was spending a lot of time with this new guy. They were totally in love and this really hurt him. He contacted me a moth later after their break up and suggested we should hang out. I agreed and then we started dating a few weeks later. My questions are about how he really still feels for her. I have read a few emails where he has written to her that he's the one who messed up and took her for granted and she was the smartest, most independent, beautiful etc and that he could never love anyone else they way he loved her and that their break up has runied him and his feelings for another person would always be guarded.

He asked me to move in with him a month after we were dating and asked me to marry him after 3 months of dating. She attempts to contact him but he never has responded to her. My question and for my own piece of mind is, why did he marry me if he felt so deeply and strong love for her as he said? He says he doesn't love her and that he realizes that she was wrong for him and that he was in a bad relationship and knows he is with the right person now and he is where he wants to be and has no regrets and would not take her back even if we were to divorce. With that being said, my mind still wonders how he really feels or has any regrets. Why did he marry me so quickly? Don't get me wrong, I love this man with ALL my heart and this is my first marriage but I just don't want to be used or be with someone who is in love with someone who is in love with someone else or doesn't love me as much as I love him. He does take care of me in every way and I apppreciate and LOVE him to the moon and back. Is this wrong to feel this way?

Thank you for listening :)
If he wanted her back he could have her. Believe him and stop making yourself crazy before you end up ruining a good thing.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
I can accept his answer however, it is difficult to accept after reading the emails. I came on here to get answers to my unanswered questions and let it go one and for all. I appreciate your advice and it does make me feel more at ease.
Why can't you accept his answer and be happy with that? Feelings aren't wrong or right, but seriously you need to accept his answer and let this go. There's nothing productive about you going over and over some past relationship your husband had. He's with you. He married you. He's good to you. What else do you want??
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Yes, you are right about some being in a fog and I was once gulity of being in the same fog. I have just had these going over and over in my head and needed some advice from someone outside the box. What you said makes complete sense to me and he has not given me any reason to doubt what he has told me. And yes he did choose me but I was still unsure why after I saw those emails from him to her and vice versa. I do appreciate your advice very much and am going to put this behind me and work on us. :)
My guess is that he wrote the emails shortly after the breakup. The wording is pretty typical of "the fog" some are in after a relationship ends.

At this point I think you should drop it, because she has attempted contact and he has not responded. You have discussed your concerns with him and he has reassured you that you are the right one for him.

He chose you, focus on making happy memories, and building your lives together. Don't borrow trouble.

However, to protect your marriage he should maintain No Contact with her for life.
 

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Because this is my first time being married so it would be my first marriage.
Calling it your first marriage implies that you plan to have multiple marriages. By saying it's the "first", you imply that eventually there will be a "second". It's not your first. It's your only.
 

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I can accept his answer however, it is difficult to accept after reading the emails. I came on here to get answers to my unanswered questions and let it go one and for all. I appreciate your advice and it does make me feel more at ease.
When were these emails you're talking about written? What is the date in relation to when they broke up? Were the emails close to the break up time? Or are these recent emails?
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Very well spoken and that is EXACTLY what my own mother has told me today. I am making myself crazy and am going to ruin a very good thing. It's to the point where things are going excellent and I start to think about this and I instantly start treating him badly and get an attitude with him and he knows nothing about what I'm thinking and why I am upset. It definitely has to stop. Thank you so much for listening.
If he wanted her back he could have her. Believe him and stop making yourself crazy before you end up ruining a good thing.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
You are correct, but I didn't mean it to come out that way. I would like for it to be my ONLY marriage.
Calling it your first marriage implies that you plan to have multiple marriages. By saying it's the "first", you imply that eventually there will be a "second". It's not your first. It's your only.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
The emails were written a few days after they broke up and continued two weeks after we were dating. She initiated some and then he would respond and vice versa. They finally stopped and then she was starting to contact him through IM on AOL and he would not respond to her and then she has text him a few times in the past year and he hasn't responded. The contents of the emails are what sticks with me. It makes me feel as if he's just with me to have someone but as I said previously he has told me he is no longer in love with her and he is in a better place with me and where he wants to be and that I have made him a better person. They used to drink and party together a lot and I'm not that type so they part has gotten better. Says he has no desire to be with her and that I need to quit letting his past bothe rme and move on and build a life with him and let things happen.
When were these emails you're talking about written? What is the date in relation to when they broke up? Were the emails close to the break up time? Or are these recent emails?
 

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He dumped her and married you. That should be enough. Now if they are still in contact I would be worried. I don't think one should be close to an ex.
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
He didn't exactly dump her, when he found her car at his house he called her on her cell phone and started verbally abusing her and calling her names etc. She was scared to come back to their home at the time and she went to the house when he was working and moved all of her stuff out and thats how it ended. Then that is when the emails started.
He dumped her and married you. That should be enough. Now if they are still in contact I would be worried. I don't think one should be close to an ex.
 

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Semantics. You are determined to borrow trouble. Keep picking at it and bringing it up and you are going to turn him away from you.

He hasn't shown any interest in her, he married you, he has tried to reassure you that he knows marrying you was the right decision. you need to stop before you change his mind!
 

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A woman could be beautiful, fun in bed, a great housekeeper, earn well and a lot more- but would struggle at keeping her man attracted to her if she was insecure, had attitude or came with a lot of drama...

at the same time, men could STAY more attracted to a woman who's not really all of the above but is still self-dependant, not insecure, with minimal attitude and doesn't come with drama....

Look up the thread where men reply on the 'Things about women that turn them off' and these traits possibly feature the most...
so, whatever she is...she possibly was not faithful and drove him away...she's also showing signs of insecurity by trying to contact him...Now, YOU have the advantage- the advantage of have been faithful all through - make it a DOUBLE advantage by being confident/secure/giving him space and not showing him wrong attitude...then he should be yours forever!

If you feel you've treated him unfairly because of your insecurities, make it up to him with a lot of positive compliments - I've observed that men love them (even if they don't acknowledge it straightaway):)
 
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