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Discussion Starter #1
I am looking for some answers and feel that only the WS, inparticular WH can help me out.

For personal reasons I am more interested in ONS, not long term affairs, or emotional affairs.

When you were about to cheat on your wife, when you knew it was on the cards, did you think about your wife at any point Before going ahead and being unfaithful? If yes, what did you think?

My H is struggling when I ask him the question "did you not think about me?"

I would appreciate any honest answers, and maybe your personal views on this.

Thank you in advance.
 

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I don't think Sigma had a ONS though. His was an EA. The OP said she wasn't interested in EA or long-term PAs.
 

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I think it might be hard to get some WS's to answer this, because once they do they will start getting flamed. (not by you, but other TAM lurkers/members)
 

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This question seems a bit odd. The WH is by definition selfish and self-absorbed. It seem self evident that they do not think of their spouses in a meaningful way before the ONS or at least not enough to not participate. Why torture yourself with such a question?
 

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Most men who have ONS are likely not on this board. It would be their spouses. Waywards on this board are typically EAs or LTAs and not wham-bam-thank you maam types. But I hope you get some information and I am wrong.
 

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This question seems a bit odd. The WH is by definition selfish and self-absorbed. It seem self evident that they do not think of their spouses in a meaningful way before the ONS or at least not enough to not participate. Why torture yourself with such a question?
I torture myself with her very same question quite often. You will always wonder why sex for one night was more important than you, the marriage or the family. Basically, we are married to extremely selfish people. :(
 

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Discussion Starter #10
I torture myself with her very same question quite often. You will always wonder why sex for one night was more important than you, the marriage or the family. Basically, we are married to extremely selfish people. :(
Yep, selfish, for sure....but I can live in hope that even selfish individuals might come forward and answer this question.

My H is on this board, maybe he will enlighten us all.
 

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Any reasonably attractive and/or successful guy who doesn't consider or fantasize about the occasional ONS while on business trips, back home with the boys, etc is lying.

I'll admit that it crosses my mind when I'm away or wife's away and I'm missing her... or it definitely crosses my mind when my ego is stroked by being propositioned by an attractive women. The bottom line is that I love my wife... and my kids... and they satisfy my needs. Anything I'd get would be a dollar menu hamburger when I have filet at home. It's all about values and priorities... and communication with your partner. Hanging out with other good people and avoiding high temptation situations (company of single ppl, company of friends who cheat on their wife, getting drunk when not with your spouse, etc) is a big part of the equation also. If I find myself tempted or in a sketchy situation, I get out of it and call to talk to the fam or sext my wife.

When it comes to cheaters, it's either "once a cheater, always a cheater" or "understand it, learn from it, and it'll build your relationship and affair-proof it going forward." Personally, I subscribe to the first school of thought. If your partner is weak or too immature for marriage, then there's not much you can do. All you can do is treat them well and try to provide for their emotional and physical needs. Temptation is everywhere... especially for attractive people, but still available to every person. If they're gonna cheat, they're gonna cheat. If they're gonna leave, they're gonna leave. If they're gonna cheat, I'm gonna leave... trust is the foundation of all human relationships and once it's gone like that, it's gone IMO. Life is too short.
 

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Gemjo, I'd like to thank you for asking this question. It's not one I'd really asked myself. At least not in any kind of honesty.

My first reaction was to say "no." But after a bit of soul-searching on this, I realize I did. A few times. Fleetingly, but in the "more innocent" steps leading up to the ONS (chatting more than I should have, flirting, ultimately heading to her room) I have to admit that I did think of her... in the context of "This isn't a big deal, what she doesn't know won't hurt her."

After the condom was presented to me, I have to admit I did not think of her again until I extricated myself from the situation.

I say thank you to you for it, because facing that in honesty made me realize that there's a common thread amongst the negative behaviours I've allowed to develop in myself. I think they all stem from a "It's harmless... what she doesn't know won't hurt her" kind of mindset. Those little allowances and assumptions started small (and honestly relatively harmless) and I think they ultimately led to this potential destruction of our relationship on my part.

That's a BIG part of what I have to work on myself. And hopefully my wife will be along to help.

I'm not sure if that helps you... and it's (needless to say) not everyone's experience. But at least as far I've gotten in trying to understand myself thus far, that's my experience.
 

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Discussion Starter #14
Gemjo, I'd like to thank you for asking this question. It's not one I'd really asked myself. At least not in any kind of honesty.

My first reaction was to say "no." But after a bit of soul-searching on this, I realize I did. A few times. Fleetingly, but in the "more innocent" steps leading up to the ONS (chatting more than I should have, flirting, ultimately heading to her room) I have to admit that I did think of her... in the context of "This isn't a big deal, what she doesn't know won't hurt her."

After the condom was presented to me, I have to admit I did not think of her again until I extricated myself from the situation.

I say thank you to you for it, because facing that in honesty made me realize that there's a common thread amongst the negative behaviours I've allowed to develop in myself. I think they all stem from a "It's harmless... what she doesn't know won't hurt her" kind of mindset. Those little allowances and assumptions started small (and honestly relatively harmless) and I think they ultimately led to this potential destruction of our relationship on my part.

That's a BIG part of what I have to work on myself. And hopefully my wife will be along to help.

I'm not sure if that helps you... and it's (needless to say) not everyone's experience. But at least as far I've gotten in trying to understand myself thus far, that's my experience.
Thank you for your honesty. So you thought about your wife, but thought she won't ever find out about it, so all is good. Did you cheat more than once?

Do you truly love and value our wife?

Was it just sex?

How did your wife find out?
 

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Thank you for your honesty. So you thought about your wife, but thought she won't ever find out about it, so all is good. Did you cheat more than once?

Do you truly love and value our wife?

Was it just sex?

How did your wife find out?
I did not think it was all good. I fooled myself into believing that it was "all innocent and harmless" until it became clearly not at all innocent nor harmless, at which time, as I admitted, I did not think of her again until I removed myself from the situation.

I do love and value my wife. I clearly need to work a lot, though... on my esteem of her, on my self-esteem, on how I deal with stress, and on so many things.

Yes, it was just sex. It started as an attempt to feel better about myself at a time when I was feeling very bad about myself, and I allowed it to go very wrong.

My wife does not as yet know. I'm still working on my confession of my wrongdoings, and what all I can offer in the way of contrition and steps forward, if she'll allow them.
 

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This is from a private message by a guy who used to visit here called Finding my Way. He was a cheater who gave his honest - if disturbing - views quite candidly.

*************************************************

My perspective- as a serial cheat. Before I start, I'm no GQ model look alike and I'm not wealthy.

For me, it was always about extra sex. The thrill of the chase and ego boost was a plus, but I just wanted more sex than my wife did. I always loved my wife and certainly never ever wanted to leave her or lose her. Especially not over someone else's wayward wife.

I had a simple method. I used it because it worked. I targeted married women. I figured they were safer for several important reasons.
1- Less likely to be sleeping around with random guys (STDs).
2- Less likely to pull the crazy girlfriend BS and call my wife.
3- In case of an unwanted pregnancy, I had a built in schmuck to pay the tab and would have claimed to have had a vasectomy.

The most important part of being a player is to hide it. I started with shy looks making certain I'd get caught and then doing my best to look embarrassed. If she started to come around more or dress sexier then I'd try a safe compliment. If she called me on my BS (yes, it happened) I simply acted highly offended. After all, I'm a married family man. That usually got me an apology. A few really smart ones just avoided me altogether.

If she accepted the compliment, I knew I had a chance. I never ever wasted time with someone that I didn't want to bed. If the compliment was successful, I simply followed with more as time permitted and just let things develop. Who knew where it would go? When she would speak with me about her frustrations with her husband (they always complained about their husband) I used that to my advantage. If they complained that he didn't do enough with the kids, I was dad of the year. If he didn't help out around the house, I did everything at home so my wife didn't have to. Yes, it was complete BS, but so what. My job was to make them feel special, pretty and needed and to paint the fantasy. After all, my goal was not conversation or friendship. I wanted to score.

Once things progressed and I had to keep it intense unless it was simply a once and done kind of thing. I would do that by pushing her boundaries for sex. Anal, public hook-up whatever. Keep in mind, I'm in it for the sex so I tried for everything I liked and heard more than once statements like... I never even let my husband do that. That was usually with anal, but sometimes public hook-ups also.

I certainly didn't want to be paying for hotel rooms out my pocket. If she wanted to pay, that was fine. Otherwise, we could hook-up anywhere, it didn't matter to me.

I always advised them to keep the secret between us, because it was so special. Actually, I didn't want to get busted. If they got busted, and some did. That was their tough crap to deal with. I certainly never vowed to love/honor/cherish them.

As I look back, I'm stunned at how easy it was and how many fell for my crap. I had some that would try to pull away and I'd feed them the star crossed lovers BS, you know... kept apart by the cruel hand of fate. That worked like magic to seal the deal. I also used things like I think my wife may have cheated on me. Then I'd work in how I got tested for STDs and it was clear and somehow manage to mention my vasectomy (never had one). Understand? I'm safe, you won't catch anything if you sleep with me and I won't get you pregnant. That was the message.

The one thing that sent me running was the fear of getting caught and sometimes I just wanted a quick bang and wasn't in it for a couple of months of an affair. I'm still also amazed by how many didn't see through my crap either. They didn't have to deal with the day to day stresses that adults face with me (finances, mortgages, car payments, child care, time commitments, etc.). With me, it was just fun and sex. The poor bastard at home didn't have a chance once the play was in motion. It also helped me to see him as a douche-bag when his wife whined about him for whatever reason.

I work with a woman that has lost everything over an affair with me. The house, husband, family, etc. It's difficult to see. She hates me now, but I never vowed anything to her or forced her to do anything. That's her tough crap. Her kids are in therapy, their grades tanked and she's struggling financially and the kids blame her, etc. Honestly, I wish she'd quit so I didn't have to see her every freaking day.


I do know a few like me that I consider even worse. They brag and laugh about getting wayward wives to do things and try to get email or text proof to show off. It's pretty easy, just tell her how much he liked doing X with her last night and let her respond. Then they had proof to brag about and trade notes. I didn't do that. I just wanted the sex and avoided the women they talked about. I liked to find the ones who would seem to be the last to ever do anything like this. Goes back to my 3 reasons.

I never flirted with a married woman unless I wanted in her pants. Plain and simple, you do have to hide it so they don't see it coming, but it's really that basic. Other players use different methods, but we all use what works and modify sometimes if we're not progressing to try a different angle. Not all women are the same, and sometimes deviations are required if she'll let you in her pants.

It was never about love, just sex. I sold the fantasy, yes. But that is all it ever was. A fair trade. They were adults and quite frankly should have known better. Am I a predator, I certainly never thought so and I certainly never thought about what would happen to them when we were done. Yes, all my affairs ended. Most stayed married to their H they *****ed about and screwed around on. Therefore, he must not have been that bad. People just get caught up with unrealistic expectations on life I think. For goodness sake, Prince charming is only charming because he wants a blow job.

Before I close, I'll say this as well. An engaged woman would have worked for me also, but I never found one that would go for me. Also, newly married women are much harder to get. I had the best luck with women who had been married for at least several years, throw a kid or two in the mix and they were usually more susceptible to being chased.

It was a fair trade. Attention and compliments for sex.
 
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